jaygirl Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 My bf and I have been dating for 8 months. I'm 25 and he's 26. We have known each other since we were 4. We haven't said "I love you" yet but I am feeling it, just have not verbalized it. BUT he makes my heart absolutely BREAK sometimes. He hates his job and I'm beginning to think he is depressed. He received a DUI a while back which I think really disappointed his family. He wants them to be proud. He is becoming such a negative person. He complains about things all the time. To get out of this negativity he turns to an alternate world and plays online video games. To the point in which he has chose them over me. It's so hurtful and he doesn't see it. When he is not playing we do have fun together. He has said I'm the only person he can be his "old self" around. He CAN be a lot of fun and a happy person, I don't know why he doesn't just choose this outlook ALL the time? We had a huge talk last night and I just want him to be happy. I don't know if it is worth continuing this relationship. I care SOO much about him and haven't felt like this before (even though I was in a 6.5 year relationship previously). I'm not ready for this to end...do you think he is?
PegNosePete Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 We had a huge talk last night and I just want him to be happy. What about you, do you want to be happy yourself? Does he want you to be happy? If he said he does, then did you point out that his actions do not support his words, and that he is making you unhappy?
Author jaygirl Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 I want to be happy. And really I AM happy, I'm a positive person and he DOES make me happy. But there are times when he can bring me down with his negativity and lack of communication due to his other interests. He knows and I have pointed it out to him that some of his actions make me unhappy. I never asked him if he wants me to be happy though. I can't see him saying he wouldn't. But I also really think that he under-appreciates me and everything I do for him. Really I am easy to please.
Author jaygirl Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 Do you think I should see go and see him tonight? He said I am more than welcome to come over tonight but that I know what he will be doing....referring to his online game. I don't know, I'd really like to see him but I don't want to spend my evening there and have him play his game the entire time. It's not fair to me. THAT is not a relationship. I know I should give him space and then see if he will reach out to me more (like playing hard-to-get) but it's such a hard thing to do when you care so much about a person.
PegNosePete Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Well I guess you have to balance whether the positives outweigh the negatives in the relationship. The fact that you are on this forum suggests it's not clear cut. Don't expect him to get better on his own, and don't just think that if you ignore the problem it will go away. If you guys are simply not compatible because he does not fulfill your needs, then best to split and find someone who does.
Author jaygirl Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 That's true. Hard to take but I know what you say is true. He has a lot of positives, he's a great person and wants to make a difference, he has an awesome family, he's althletic and good looking. BUT the negatives are huge....the priorities and negativity. Ughh, definitely not clear-cut!
PegNosePete Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Well you can talk to him about the negatives, let him know that they are putting a huge strain on the relationship. If he wants to change then you can help him and work through it. But if he does not want to change then you need to decide if you can live like this forever. Also be prepared for him to point out your negatives, it probably goes both ways! He may feel that you are smothering him and demanding too much time and attention. You will need to find a level which makes you both happy. If no such level is possible then time to go your separate ways.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Since it bothers you that he will be playing his game, don't go over there. If the two of you have good communication, and since you don't live together, I would think you'd be able to establish with him that you need to have "dates" or activities; whatever, where you'll be paying attention to one another and not being online. He has all the time when you are NOT together to play his game. Right? If he's not up for that, I don't think you're going to have much fulfillment in this relationship.
Author jaygirl Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 Yeah I will ask him about that too. He says he would rather me be at his house than not. He likes having me around, but yeah maybe more time apart would be a good thing too. I can develop my hobbies and he can have his own game time. I just hope he can become a more positive person as well. Optimism is a great trait! And I think date nights would be a good idea. I took him out on a surprise date last week and he really enjoyed it. He had his time online and then we went out and had an awesome time. We saw a comedy show. I think we need to do that more often, thanks for the suggestion. I hope he will be up for something like that. Doesn't hurt to try!
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