sofiasofia Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Sorry for this long post, but I'm really desperate for advise. Me and my partner have been with each other for 11 years and we have 2 small children together. He is working away a lot (in different countries) - I'm a full time mum. Our relationship has been good in many ways, but for the last 3 years things have not been great in a romantic sense due to different things (I had a terrible pregnancy with my last child, suffered from a mild post natal depression, was breastfeeding for a long time which caused my sex drive to dissappeared). We have been affectionate though - cuddling and telling each other "I love you" a lot. During the last two years we have also been moving countries twice, and had the stress of buying selling houses, renovating the new house etc. Anyway, last summer I noticed a change in my partner. He wasn't his normal self. He was irritable, he was picking fights, he started telling me how little we had in common etc. I asked him if he had met someone else on several occasions, but he strongly denied this and said he was just tired and stressed. But, for the first time in our history together, I started to worry about our relationship. I suggested counselling and trying to bring back the spark in the relationship, but he didn't seem interested. Six months later he told me that he didn't have the right feelings for me anymore, and that he wanted to end our relationship. Again, he said it was no one else involved in his decision. It didn't make sense to me, and I went through his computer and found an email from another woman (in one of the countries he regulary visit). He denied an affair, but I started to dig and dig - going through credit card statements and the history in his computer. The following week was the worst in my life. I was a total wreck - I couldn't eat or sleep, I was smashing up crockery, I was crying and screaming, I was pleading with him. But he was just lying and lying about everything - until I could prove he was lying. I think he was shocked at my reaction (as I'm normally a very composed person). He said he was sorry, and promised to end his affair with this woman. He did not show that much remorse though. A week later I found an email that he had sent to her the previous day. He was telling her that he was madly in love with her, and that his plan was to continue with her regardless of the consequences. I made it clear to him that I would not accept this, and I told him that I could cause him a lot of financial and social damage should he continue to treat me badly. When he realised this his attitude changed. He ended his relationship with this woman, and he started to treat me with more respect. The following 5 weeks were intense - I was going though so many emotions. I went away on holiday to my home country, I was going on dates, I was trying not to think about what had happened. And then something reminded me of it, and I was feeling low and depressed and angry. I was forcing him to be there for me. I was forcing him to have endless conversations about what had happened. I was saying nasty things to him. And then sometimes I was thinking that he is really a good guy (because that is what I have believe for so many years- never would I have thought that he would do this to me) and that this was just a blip, and then I would feel guilty and thinking we could be friends. Things could be fine for a couple of days, but then I would again think of how completely heartless he had been (because he really was, both during the affair and the first week after I found out). Anyway, I came back from my holiday, and he went away to work again. I did admit to myself that I did want to save the relationship- I did want my family. I started to google infidelity and reconciliations. I sent him some links to different "save the marriage" web sites. He asked if I wanted to get back together again, and I said yes. We did talk about the lack of romantic feelings and if it would be possible to get them back. But we decided to try again. When he came back we went on a romantic date. We had dinner and drinks and stayed in a hotel. It did feel really nice. We were kissing, cuddling and having sex all night long. The next morning we both said that we felt that we had something to build on. Things were good for a couple of days, we were doing normal family things, helping each other out, being nice to each other. Cuddling on the sofa in the evenings. But I was disappointed that he did not make more of a romantic effort. I told him that, and he said that although he felt great about us getting on, having sex etc, he still felt that something was missing. This unsettled me, and I began to ask him almost daily about his feeling- looking for reassurance. He was not keen to talk about this, he said that he just wanted to get on with things and that me pursuing these discussions made things worse. He told me on a couple of occasions that he didn't have "in-love" feelings for me, but when he noticed that I got upset and questioned how he can kiss me and have sex with me without the right feelings, he said he didn't mean it like that. That he does have feelings but that he is unsure about how strong they are. I felt that the situation was so unfair on me. I did make an effort. I did try to focus on positive things and I tried to make him feel good. He also made an effort, but basically he was just using me to figure out if he felt it was worth committing to the relationship or not. One night I forced him to make a decision. He then said that he didn't think his feelings were strong enough, but he was happy to continue and see if they would grow stronger. I told him this was not good enough for me. I felt sad and upset, but at least I wasn't in limbo land anymore. The following days we were being nice to each other. And he was saying things which made me think that he still thought that a future together would be a possibility. He left for work a couple of days later. The first few days things were fine. He was sending me some "good morning - have a good day" emails, and calling to speak to me and the kids in the evenings. I felt that he could have made more of an effort to find out how I was coping etc, and again I was getting annoyed with him. I told him this, and he sent me flowers the next day. But I was hurt that he did not feel the need to talk about everything that has happened.I bring up the affair again-asking how he could have done this to me etc. He says he feels bad thinking about it, and just wants to forget it happened. He is avoiding questions, says he can't remeber things clearly. He says it doesn't matter anyway, he told me to just leave it. But this is making it worse for me. I feel that whatever happened between them has taken away his feelings for me. I demand him to tell me everything about the affair - what were they doing, what were they saying etc. After endless discussions he finally goes through it all cronologically. It did make me feel better, as everything just made more sense with the timelines. But it also makes me angrier. We were having big arguments again. I was telling him what an evil person he is for being able to do this to his family. After a few intense days with me being so angry and upset, I come to point where I felt that this is just eating me up. It has to stop. So I send him an email telling him that I'm done with him. That I never want to see him again. That he can see the children as much as he likes, but I do not want him to stay in the family home anymore, because it is just making it harder for me to move on. He agrees to stay in a hotel when he comes back. The next day he sent me an email saying that he is so sorry for everything. That the reason that he is not able to commit to the family is because he feels like I would be happier without him. That I deserve more that he can give me. That he needs me to know that he loves me, and cares about me. Etc. This was 5 days ago, and I have not spoken to him since (just emails about practical issues). I found this forum a couple of days ago and have been reading about NC and LC. He is back in the country on Saturday, and I don't know what to do. My problem is that I do still love him. I do want my children to grow up in a family. But is there any hope? A part of me still wants to believe that we can make this work. I'm sure I can convince him to give it another try- the problem is should I really press for this? Should I really swallow my pride and be with a man who obviously does not have the right feelings for me? I know that he would like to keep his options open - but can it be because it's easier dealing with me when I'm trying to save the relationship - even though he knows that he does not want it? Or does he really want to get his feelings back (this is what he has been telling me over and over again)? Is it possible that his feelings are still influenced by his affair (it's been 3 months since he last had contact with her and he tells me that he does not even think about her anymore)? And if he really is over her, does a part of him long for the excitement of a new relationship - is that what is "missing" for him? If I want to salvage my relationship (which obvioulsy a big part of me does) is it really best that he stays in a hotel, so he will feel what it's like not coming home to his family? Or is it better for him being with his family to feel how nice it is being part of the family? I would be so grateful for any advise!
Don_da_Ho Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Sorry, but once a cheater always a cheater. Ever heard the saying "a leopard never changes his spots"? Move on.
heartshaped Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 At the end of the day, you cannot make anyone want to be with you. I'm sure he does love you and care for you, but more in the sense that you are the mother of his children and the two of you were together for so long. I don't think he wants to continue anything with you and you forcing him or begging him to is only going to prolong things. He would cheat again or leave you eventually, it's best just to make a clean break of things now. Besides the fact that his feelings for you aren't what they should be, it doesn't sound like you would be able to get over the affair. Don't feel bad about that- a lot of people can't and for good reason, but be honest with yourself. This is pretty much irreparable. I understand you wanting your children to have a family, but two happy separate homes is better than one unhappy home.
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