jaygirl Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 My bf and I have been dating for 8 months. I'm 25 and he's 26. We have known each other since we were 4. We haven't said "I love you" yet but I am feeling it, just have not verbalized it. BUT he makes my heart absolutely BREAK sometimes. He hates his job and I'm beginning to think he is depressed. He received a DUI a while back which I think really disappointed his family. He wants them to be proud. He is becoming such a negative person. He complains about things all the time. To get out of this negativity he turns to an alternate world and plays online video games. To the point in which he has chose them over me. It's so hurtful and he doesn't see it. When he is not playing we do have fun together. He has said I'm the only person he can be his "old self" around. He CAN be a lot of fun and a happy person, I don't know why he doesn't just choose this outlook ALL the time? We had a huge talk last night and I just want him to be happy. I don't know if it is worth continuing this relationship. I care SOO much about him and haven't felt like this before (even though I was in a 6.5 year relationship previously). I'm not ready for this to end...do you think he is?
xpaperxcutx Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Your bf needs to figure out what his priorities are. He needs to stop playing video games ( how many hours does he play?) or lessen his game time and find more productive means of spending his time. If he is depressed, suggest that he take up some sort of exercise ( for endorphins) and you join him so you can spend more time together. I have seen couples enjoy time together by running. Maybe you can set a goal to train for a marathon or something.
Author jaygirl Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 hey thanks for replying. I agree that his priorities are in the wrong order. He plays maybe 3 hours a day. But he would play more if he didn't work. He's at work for about 11 hours a day. I like the idea of exercising together. I will bring it up to him. I am interested in getting back into running anyway. He just always seems to have an excuse for everything. Will you go for a walk with me? He will say he doesn't like walks unless there is a purpose to them or he just doesn't feel like it.
carhill Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 OP, welcome to LS I would suggest, in the future, cross-posting only if you do not receive a response after awhile. I found this thread from one of two other duplicate threads in other forums. Do you and your BF live together? Are you sexually active? How long ago did he get the DUI? Do you feel he has a drinking problem? About you- How long were you single after your last relationship (apparently a serious and substantial one) ended? What lessons would you say you learned from that relationship? Are you looking for a LTR and a potential marriage in your future? My advice, absent further information, is to accept how things are now and decide whether it is healthy for you. Communicate that to him clearly. He's in charge of his life and 'happiness'. It's not a matter of 'if you love him enough he'll be happy'. If you were married, my advice would be different, but you are in the 'getting to know' stage and what you've related here is good information. Accept it. Good luck
Author jaygirl Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 hey sorry. New to this and haven't posted to a forum before. He and I do not live together. We live about a 5 minute drive from one another though. Yes we are sexually active. He got the DUI almost a year and a half ago but only lost his license about 5 months ago. He definitely does not have a drinking problem. It was a one time thing where he was drinking at a wedding and thought he was able to drive home. He will have maybe one or two beer a week. We weren't separated for long after my last LTR, just a couple of weeks. This just happened, I wasn't expecting it at all. He had not been in a relationship for about 4 years prior to this one as well. From that past relationship I learned that you cannot be with someone just because you have fantasies about the future if the reality of the relationship isn't great. I am looking for a LTR. I would like to one day get married. Thanks for your advice. I know I have to accept it for now and see what happens in the near future. Some things definitely need to change in order for us to have a future. I hope that we can work it out...
carhill Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Other relevant thread As the 'separated' part has me a bit confused, have you ever been involved romantically with this old friend before? What I meant by 'single' after your last relationship was absent male companionship, interest or interaction. IOW, healing yourself from the ending of a quite substantial relationship for a young woman, essentially the entirety of your adult life at that time. So, what good information would you say your lessons from the last LTR have brought to this moment in time? Can you accept the reality of those lessons and their relevance here? I'm wondering out loud, absent other information, if this old friend is your transition man. He's familiar, has liked you as a person for essentially your whole life, and he's convenient, being five minutes away. Since your families likely know each other well, any input from them? Families usually have opinions.
Author jaygirl Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 Oops, I don't know why I even typed separated. I meant my ex and I were not broken up for too long before my current bf and I got together. No I have not been involved with this bf before we started dating 8 months ago. I had a crush on him wayyyy back in elementary school but that's it. I understand what you mean about the lessons I learned from the past relationship and how it is relevant to this one as well. I again am hoping for a bright future when really it might not work if we are currently having problems. I was stuck in a dream with the last relationship when reality wasn't where it should have been. We were always just acquaintances throughout school. I honestly don't think he is my transition guy. It just happened, I wasn't looking for it. If it was just a transition thing, I don't think it would have lasted this long or that I would care so much. Our families have never met since they live in different towns (25 minutes away). My family likes him and his family likes me. Both families do not know about his gaming situation though. They are happy that we are together though.
carhill Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I'll suggest you check out some posts by a contemporary of yours, zengirl, and see if some of her perspective can assist you. Apparently, she just experienced a breakup and isn't posting much right now, but her historical advice and experience might speak to you.
Author jaygirl Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 Thanks, I'm reading some of her posts now. Seems like where her boyfriend is very empathetic and they can get into disagreements over it (i.e. he takes on her stress too) mine is not that way. We often have conflict because he puts himself first. I can understand WHY but it's still hurtful. Thanks for sending her name to me though
carhill Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I would suggest reading her advice to others regarding their relationships; she offers some good advice regarding perspective about dynamics and how to process the relevant feelings and come to healthy decisions. The reason I suggested her to you is because she is of the same generation and is female. I thought perhaps her words would speak more clearly to you. Hope it works out
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