zetkin Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I haven't been dating for quite a while now. It's not that I didn't have any contact with men, it's just that all the encounters failed very quickly. It was either just sex, or there were guys who liked me, and I went out with them and thought I liked them too, because they were so nice and sweet and seemed serious about me. But after a second or third date before anything serious would actually start I understood that it's not what I need. So now I met somebody. I went with my girlfriends to visit a friend in another city. We went out to some bar and there I met this guy. He was very nice, and the next two days I spent a lot of time with him. We were walking around the city, he was showing me nice views, we had dinners in nice restaurants and so on. He obviously liked me a lot and seems very serious about me. Now we communicate on the internet almost every day, and next weekend we are planning to make another citytrip together. And here comes my fear. I am afraid that I might stop liking him after spending more time with him, like it happened several times before with other guys. There are some things that I don't like so much about him, and I am afraid I am gonna concentrate on them too much, more than on the positive things, and it will spoil everything. What to do?
Survivor12 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 "There are some things that I don't like so much about him,..." I'm confused. You say that you are afraid that after spending more time with him you may find that you don't like him, but you already know that you don't so why would that be a surprise? And what does it matter that he "seems very serious" about you? What kind of "things" about him don't you like?
Author zetkin Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 (edited) And what does it matter that he "seems very serious" about you? Seems serious means he doesn't want just sex, and it means a lot to me. What kind of "things" about him don't you like? The problem is that after having some bad experiences I am paying attention to some very small details, trying to read something in any of them. For example, he was holding my hand, but then when we were running for the train, he would let it go. Or I like that he is smart, but sometimes he starts to talk too smart, I don't mind, I understand it, but I think that from the third side it might seem like he's a nerd maybe. He seems to be very serious, which I also like, but sometimes he just takes some small issue too serious. And also how he looks- I liked him when I first saw him, but I was drunk, so I don't trust it))) Now I am not so sure anymore. He is almost 30, he doesn't look that age, but he has some grey hair and receding hairline. So far it is interesting to communicate with him, when he talks aboput his life, jobs he did, places he's been to. But I am not sure that he has more stories to entertain me, and I will get bored soon. Edited March 10, 2011 by zetkin
Celestine Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 The problem is that after having some bad experiences I am paying attention to some very small details, trying to read something in any of them. For example, he was holding my hand, but then when we were running for the train, he would let it go. Or I like that he is smart, but sometimes he starts to talk too smart, I don't mind, I understand it, but I think that from the third side it might seem like he's a nerd maybe. He seems to be very serious, which I also like, but sometimes he just takes some small issue too serious. And also how he looks- I liked him when I first saw him, but I was drunk, so I don't trust it))) Now I am not so sure anymore. He is almost 30, he doesn't look that age, but he has some grey hair and receding hairline. So far it is interesting to communicate with him, when he talks aboput his life, jobs he did, places he's been to. But I am not sure that he has more stories to entertain me, and I will get bored soon. I fear I don't understand how people around here could help you. Because you will never know if you don't meet him again. So, why don't you just meet him and see what happens? You don't have to marry him tomorrow or something.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 . But I am not sure that he has more stories to entertain me, and I will get bored soon. Sounds to me like you look at the little things as a defense mechanism to avoid getting attached. Its become a constant habit now when you cant look past the little things to avoid getting hurt in the future. You got used to doing this, you have to practice avoiding the flaws. But you dont have to get attached right away, just ride it out for a month to see how you feel about him then, he might grow on you.If he bores you then, bail out. But heres one question since you need to be entertained so badly, how do you know youre not a mental bore to him?
Author zetkin Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 Sounds to me like you look at the little things as a defense mechanism to avoid getting attached. Its become a constant habit now when you cant look past the little things to avoid getting hurt in the future. You got used to doing this, you have to practice avoiding the flaws. But you dont have to get attached right away, just ride it out for a month to see how you feel about him then, he might grow on you.If he bores you then, bail out. Yes, I think that's what's going on with me((( But how can I break this habit? But heres one question since you need to be entertained so badly, how do you know youre not a mental bore to him? Actually I wrote that not to say that I need entertainment, but just in general. But your question is very relevant. I often think that I actually suck at dating. When I am communicating with friends, I interact normally, I participate in the conversation adequately, I joke, and so on. But when on a date I tend to be more quiet and prefer to listen more than talk. I can make jokes and be funny, but when I talk about myself, I always think twice before saying if I actually need to say that. And it sometimes causes weird pauses in the conversation. But in this situation I think it is good that we have a couple of weeks to communicate through internet, because it is much easier for me, and I don't have the same problems as being on a date.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Its a mental game you have to play with yourself to break the habit. If you start thinking about things that turn you off about him, think of something else, or something that turns you on. But if these things are so obvious and blaring you in the face, then you just dont like him. You cant force yourself to be attracted to someone either. Are you active in going for the guys you want, or do you just wait for guys to come to you? That could be another reason these guys are not appealing to you.
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