ZXC123 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 20 yr marriage, just found out about LDR going on for 3+ years a couple weeks ago. They were meeting a few times a year. He is a MM for 15 yrs. w/10month old baby. Our plan was for her to move there(where he is) with kids(job transfer) get situated. For me to stay here, finish out the year with current job and to sell the house then move down next winter. Now what I think the plan was for her to get situated for six months with the kids then file for divorce that way I would have to chase custody out of state. She denies that this was her plan but states divorce has been in the back of her head. Once I discovered the affair on 21 Feb I had her move out, she saw an atty and filed that Friday 25th and was told to move back in. We have been discussing reconciliation since. I told her I don't know if I can deal with the pain later on and I don't know at this time. She seems to want to want to work on the marriage now. Prior to this she thought I could care less about our marriage and I did probably indicate that at the time. I am not sure where I am at now. I have been prodding her for information since I found out. She has been mostly open to who where when and why. How much info should she be telling me about it. Who has known details etc etc. I feel like if I asked she should tell. I have asked about some details or certain things and she tells me a few lies. I know they are lies because since then I have been either told otherwise from other people or she tells me on later. If I tell her that I know something new she won't deny it and tell me yes it was true. I asked specifically who else knew of it. She said no one. Last night I find out a good friend knew as did her sister. I also asked her what her friends opinion on the situation was. She refused to tell me. Pretty much said none of my GD business. That pretty much tells me the friend was giving her advise on how to get out. I really don't care if she was giving her that info or telling her she was crazy. Aren't I entitled to know the truth if I ask or is her hiding things fair. She is the one who did this not me. I think I have the right to know everything. We have been talking very openly up until last night until I found out the latest info. Seems like every day there is something new discovered and it is now pissing me off. I have told her over and over to lay it all out from day one. She still won't, what am entitled to as to the information.
PegNosePete Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 If she wants to work things out then she should be 100% honest with you. The first sign that she has lied, kick her the hell out. If she takes reconciliation seriously then she will put 100% into it which means she will tell you the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Tell her that if she is not prepared to take reconciliation seriously then you are not interested and will divorce HER. It seems she is a master manipulator and schemer. It's fairly obvious that what you thought was going to happen, is true. She was going to move out, get established elsewhere, then divorce. So what reason do you have for thinking that this "reconciliation" is not another scheme?
Author ZXC123 Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 There are lots of twists to the deal. She was offered the job one week prior to me finding out about the affair. This is not really an offer, either she takes it or she chooses a career sabotage. Either way things turn out, I could not do that to her. I was honest with her and told her if she stays here and we attempt recon. that my lifestyle(work etc.) will not change as it would be very difficult for me to do so, this has been the biggest issue with our marriage since we have been married. We have two kids, there is no doubt she cares for them. She knows if she takes job now chances of her getting custody is slim to none existant if she moves out of state. One child is almost 18 she is a non-issue sort of, the other is 15. We have talked to them both, the 15 yo wants to stay here with me, friends, school and family. I went to counselor yesterday solo. Something I thought I would never do. She wants to see counselor together, making appt. sometime today. She seems like she wants to work through the issue. We both know things need to change with our marriage for it to work. I just don't know if I can trust her down the road. I'm not saying that I think she may continue the relationship or do it again. I just don't know if I can recover from what has already has taken place. I just sent her "Letter to Wayward Spouse". See how it goes tonight or if I get a response from it during the day.
PegNosePete Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Well if she is serious about recon then you need to lay down some rules and she needs to agree and stick to them. 1) She will be 100% honest with you. Any question you ask, she will answer without hesitation or lying or withholding any relevant information. 2) You will have all of her email passwords, phone records, etc. She no longer has any privacy. Any communication she has with any other person will be available for you to see if you want. 3) No contact ever again with the other man. 4) You will go to MC, it's a good sign that she already wants this, but if she is scheming something else, she may use MC as a smokescreen. Do not think that MC alone is enough. Any disagreement to these rules or and breaches, kick her out and file for divorce.
What_Next Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 PegNosePete has given you what you need to know to start. I for one completely and 100% agree with him. My wife is adhering to all 4 points PegNosePete has outlined, in fact she is adhering to them like glue. The funny thing about details as I have discovered is that in a way it's only valuable if you believe what she is telling you. See the things I could verify myself that she fessed up to helped me out a lot. The things she told me that I could never verify without talking to her AP didn't help me much since our trust was already destroyed via the affair. How could I believe a lot of what she was telling me? Honestly, I still don't believe most of the things she told me that I cannot verify, likely never will. The bottom line is that your BOTH have to decide whether or not you want to reconcile. It will take both of you. First and foremost NO major life decisions right now. DO NOT let anyone pressure you, take your time sort out your own feelings first.
Binster Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Have you told the other guy's wife. Get her to write a letter ending contact, you send it. Keylogger on the computor.
Author ZXC123 Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 Have you told the other guy's wife. Get her to write a letter ending contact, you send it. Keylogger on the computor. The day I found out I started to go through everything. Found his name and scoured the internet for hours. Found one phone number and called the next day to confirm it was right number. I talked to the her, she didn't want to believe me. Told her some facts that I had. She called later and I e-mailed her some proof. I told her if she needed anything else she could either call or E-mail me. She sounds like a weak person as she hasn't followed up on anything. I have info that he has confronted her or vise-versa but no clue where they stand. I guess I could really care less. Not my problem. If she wants info I will give it though. I let my SIL know that I now know she knew this AM. She called and apoligized. She told me that the OM texted her last night wanting info. She told him she is not getting involved and will not give any info. My guess he will try to contact my wife next.
WorldIsYours Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 You shouldn't have to keep asking her to be honest. Just leave her for good. The cheating, lies, and her attempts to justify her destructive behavior shows she doesn't care about you or the family. She's trouble.
mark982 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 i gotta agree with pegnose. i do believe your wife is a master manipulator, and shes just biding her time and getting her ducks lined up. women like her just cannot be trusted. good luck and keep your eyes open.
Author ZXC123 Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 If we see a MC and when the infidelty is discussed, is the MC going to say the same things as above or or they going to just try to get us to work on the problems with the marriage in general. Will they tell her that she chose what she did and what she now needs to do so I can try to trust her again. Basically I feel she has been convicted and has no more rights but at the same time I feel like I would be alienating her.(waiting for it) She read the "Letter to Wayward Spouse" last night in front of me. She spent a good ten minutes looking/reading it. When she was done I didn't say much but I think she finally understood how I felt. I did ask some datails last night and this AM. she gave me answers to all. I think at this point she doesn't want to tell me things as she is afraid I will run, but now she knows I feel like I need to know even if she thinks it doesn't matter. At this point there has been nothing that has hurt me except the fact as to what has happened(MM/affair). Not sure if that makes sense. I did ask for some things about the relationship, so far I feel she has been honest. I have asked for times dates etc. and she has told me the info from the beginning when we started to talk. I also have access to that info as she really didn't try to hide it or cover it up. It was there in front of me the whole time, CC bank statements etc. Like I said earlier I called myself ignorant or naive but I never would have guessed she would have done something like this. I look back now I see the puzzle pieces all coming together. I will admit I am still confused about everything at this time. A lot of things have been going through my mind. I know many of you think I am crazy for even thinking of a reconcile. Not sure if I can throw it all away or not. I want to add, I am not a weak person in general. If I read these posts from someone else I would be telling them to run as far as they could, but this is just killing me. Still lost and confused
What_Next Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 You are going to continue to feel lost and confused, and angry, and bitter, and sad, and, and, and. Don't worry about thinking about reconciliation, divorce, hell pushing her off a cliff (for heavens sake don't do that...). It'll all come in waves. NO major life decisions right now. NONE! Not right now. Give yourself time. If you can get away from her for a little while that's not a bad idea. Just to give yourself time to think. A MC may or may not agree with the points PegNosePete outlined. The bottom line is that most if not all are just common sense in the aftermath of an affair. If you wife has nothing to hide then why would she have a problem with them any way. Get a journal, use it. Write in it. It's OK to ask the same question five thousand times if that is what you need to do. This is about YOU. Many of us have been right where you are right now. I know in your head you must think you're going insane. YOU ARE NOT. You'll make it through. Keep posting.
Author ZXC123 Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 How much time is enough and how will I know. I basically haven't been to work since this has begun (3 weeks)so I have had a lot of time to think and digest the situation. Work/job (fulltime) right now is not an issue, under my work situation they understand what I am going through and this time of year I do have that luxury to come go as I please. I am getting the stuff done that needs to be done there but up to this point it has only been a 15-20 hours max. Income/pay will not change there and I am not concerned about that changing. Maybe I need to get back at it to get things off my mind, IDK.
Snowflower Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 How much time is enough and how will I know. I basically haven't been to work since this has begun (3 weeks)so I have had a lot of time to think and digest the situation. Work/job (fulltime) right now is not an issue, under my work situation they understand what I am going through and this time of year I do have that luxury to come go as I please. I am getting the stuff done that needs to be done there but up to this point it has only been a 15-20 hours max. Income/pay will not change there and I am not concerned about that changing. Maybe I need to get back at it to get things off my mind, IDK. Maybe work would be a welcome distraction for you. I know that I absolutely couldn't wait to go to work some days, especially in those early days. At work, I could think about other things, I felt valued and needed, and being around other people helped me. As for how long it will take, this is individual for everyone, so no one but you can say how long it will take. I agree with What Next's advice that you should give yourself some time before making any big decisions. If it comes to the point that you can't live with her, then make arrangements so that the two of you live separately for awhile while you continue to think things through. IMO, you don't need to make any hasty decisions even though some people might urge you to "dump her cheating azz." Do what feels right to you and forget what anyone else thinks. When you look back on this whole painful episode in a few years, if you realize that you followed your own instincts and did what was best for you, then you will likely feel better about the outcome--whatever it is. Hope that makes sense. Things will become clearer for you, and you will just know when you have reached that point. Again, it's individual for everyone.
Author ZXC123 Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 As for how long it will take, this is individual for everyone, so no one but you can say how long it will take. I agree with What Next's advice that you should give yourself some time before making any big decisions. If it comes to the point that you can't live with her, then make arrangements so that the two of you live separately for awhile while you continue to think things through. I agree with the separation. Now the difficult part. She is taking the job. We both think it is the best no matter how things turn out. It will separate us and will help clear the air. The difficult thing is that is where he is. Now all are saying WTF/WTH. If she does not take the job and stays she would be sabotaging her career. Maybe this will be the easiest way to find out her real objective if there is one now. The kids will stay here for now. One turns 18 next month so choice will he hers when that time comes. The other wants to stay with me no matter what the final outcome is. Her choosing the re-locate will be very tough on her with the kids staying here. She leaves the end of April.
What_Next Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Has she confirmed her A is over? What about contact with the OM?
ver13 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 No matter what you do she will determine the outcome of this because she started it. The fact that they had a 3yr A is really something that you just don't get over. An it would appear that she had a well worked out exit plan to boot and the support of friends and family. IMO you need to let her go completely, when a person has been lying that long to you the truth will never fully be known. Whatever happens from now on between her and the OM is not your concern just focus on your kids and let her make her way by herself in the world. Love is a powerful thing but contrary to popular belief it's not blind, it's just something that hates to quite. Yet sometimes you have to know when to cut your losses and tell love to shut the H**L up for a few while you work on saving those you love(kids) and yourself from destruction.
Author ZXC123 Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 Has she confirmed her A is over? What about contact with the OM? After she came into the house we talked for hours on end about the situation and the choices of where things could go. From best case to worst. We both chose not to go down the ugly path. I told her that I don't know if I can/want to deal with the A later on. We discussed R and if it was possible. I told her I was un-sure at that point. We have since discussed many things and after she thought that maybe there was a shot at R she said she was done with him. As far as I know there has been 0 contact with her, but he has been trying to get info about our situation from her sister. She(sister) is now staying out of it and told him no info as to where we stand.
justsam Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I don't think its over for him. By the sound of it, he is going to try and reel her back in.
Author ZXC123 Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 3 weeks since the discovery, 2.5 weeks since she has been back in the house and talking. Ever since she read read "Letter to Wayward Spouse" things have been different. She is not being defensive when I ask questions at all, I can tell she doesn't want to tell me things but she does. Some of the things I've asked have been personal, questions that I may not want to hear the answers to but she does answer them. We are still talking reconciliation. I have told her I still don't know if this is something I will be able to deal with down the road. It would not be fair to either one of us if we reconcile and I can not trust her later. All that will be doing is delaying the whole process. We have both agreed to put any divorce proceedings on admin hold/suspension but not dismiss. She is leaving in just over 5 weeks. We will see how it goes from there and maybe over time my head (and hers) will clear some. Still NC from the MM as far as I know. I still think that will happen, either E-mail text or phone. She says she will not reply or talk and will inform if/when it does happen. If there is nothing I will guess he will attempt to make contact when she gets down there. What are the recommendations for me to do if he persues her at that time and she wants none of it. I am MANY MANY miles away.
What_Next Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Since you have already tried to reach out to her AP's wife and you have gotten little results, maybe it's time for you to reach out to her AP. To let him know in no uncertain terms to stay away from your wife. I think there are many ways to accomplish that, some of which I cannot post on an open forum.
PegNosePete Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 If he persists, then SHE needs to tell him to F*CK OFF forever.
Author ZXC123 Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 If he persists, then SHE needs to tell him to F*CK OFF forever. That was agreed upon without any hesitance. I can handle it after that if necessary as I am also sure he is aware of that. He knows all about me, I know nothing of him. I am on many forums and my info is out there, picts vids. etc. I was told this by my S, He has enough info on me he probably knows more about me than I do. He did make a statement to my S, when s%&t hit the fan, that if I did do anything he would be prepared..
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