ljcoburn Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I've read several posts on here about men using porn and how it upsets the women involved and I can completely understand this. My issue with my husband looking at porn is that we have not had sex in over a month, because he didn't want to. But apparently he did want, just not with me. I used to try and initiate sex all the time, but he would reject me and eventually i gave up. I'd wear the outfits, be sexy but he didn't feel good about himself (according to him) so he would consistantly reject me. All along he was looking at porn. Instead of trying to tnteract with me and putting forth some effort, he used the porn to get himself off. When we would have sex, it was mechanical and his actions were exactly like those you see in the porn movies. So basically he wasn't having sex with me, I was just a tool to live out his porn fantasy. Now I'm finding sites like Hotsingles.com, Fling.com and Youpornmate.com as well as porn site depicting teenagers. I don't know if he actually conversing with any of these girls but my thinking is, if he's looking for real women, it's only a matter of time before he starts. I don't know what to do, talking to him is pointless, as i have tried and he always apologizes and says he'll put in more effort. But he never stays true to his word. The part that kills me is I'm not a gainst porn, if our relationship and sex life are on track but apparently one doesn't go with the other.
Green Light Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I wish I had some advice to give you... After reading all these posts about men and porn and men and their fantasies I'm beginning to wonder if there isn't some truth behind men not being monogamous creatures. It's like there is something in our DNA that we can't be satisfied with one woman. It seems like men and women are a million miles apart about the issue of sex.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Its obvious that he just isnt attracted to you anymore. There could be many reasons physically, but for some reason he doesnt want to be honest with you about it. (thats IF you told the whole story) The only thing you can do is take it as a sign that he has no interest in you and separate for a while. If youre there all the time, he is just reminded of what he doesnt want. He could very well have checked out of your relationship emotionally long ago. All you can do is live somewhere else for a while until he misses you, then you can have a real honest talk. or at least see if he wants to talk when you tell him youre going to move out for a while. He might not want to dissolve the marriage sim ply because of the expense. If theres nothing physically you can do about yourself (if needed0 to get his attraction back, I suggest moving out.
Linda9999 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 He's cheating on you. It probably has nothing to do with whether he's attracted to you or not - that's not why people cheat. He could have a sex addiction - my hubby did the same types of things on line and ended up trying to meet up with other women for sex, and he's a sex addict. If you haven't already, read up on doing a 180 on him.
Author ljcoburn Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 It's like there is something in our DNA that we can't be satisfied with one woman. The sad thing I don't necessarily think its just men. I think women are just as vulnerable when it comes to this. Women just tend to reach out for emotional comfort more often, while men look for physical comfort. To me it just shows a lack of committment.
Author ljcoburn Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 Its obvious that he just isnt attracted to you anymore. There could be many reasons physically, but for some reason he doesnt want to be honest with you about it. (thats IF you told the whole story) The only thing you can do is take it as a sign that he has no interest in you and separate for a while. If youre there all the time, he is just reminded of what he doesnt want. He could very well have checked out of your relationship emotionally long ago. He might not want to dissolve the marriage sim ply because of the expense. All you can do is live somewhere else for a while until he misses you, then you can have a real honest talk. or at least see if he wants to talk when you tell him youre going to move out for a while. If theres nothing physically you can do about yourself (if needed0 to get his attraction back, I suggest moving out. Ironically, I have left him before and of course there was the big long talk and the promise of better days. We've been married a year and together for three. I work out, take care of myself and have not let myself go by any means, to the contrary he stopped showering regulary, gained 150 pounds and started sitting around all the time and sleeping. When I would try to initiate sex he would push me away and say he just doesn't feel good about himself. If that's the truth, then what makes me angry is the fact that instead of working on the marriage and our intimacy does run to the porn and ignore the person that accepts him and wants him.
Author ljcoburn Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 He's cheating on you. It probably has nothing to do with whether he's attracted to you or not - that's not why people cheat. I have thought the same thing often. There have been other behaviors too that have thrown up red flags and I have checked them out and either is james bond material or I've missed something. I usually don't say anything to him when I know something but I'm just so incredibly frustrated at this point. You know the "roomates" situation that is mentioned so often in these posts...Well that's what we have here too.
Jonah Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 He is wasting his time and yours. That list of sites there... that is sick in the original sense of the word. He will never be satisfied. Treat him like a heroin addict and put the tough love on him. Full cold turkey treatment center for him or leave him. That is your only chance at any kind of a life at all.
luvstarved Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I don't necessarily think he is cheating on you and I don't think he is necessarily not attracted to you anymore. I don't necessarily think that it is sheer desire for "variety" that drives this behavior. And I do think that his self-esteem could be part of the mix. I had this same problem for a long time before I just blew it wide open. It has taken years of confusion and mixed messages and sorting lies from truth to figure this out, but basically... For some guys, jerking off to porn is just EASIER. For some, it was a big part of their sexual history, which exacerbates the problem. They have comfort from this "self-care" that they can't get with ANY woman...where performance anxiety, effort, caring about someone else's satisfaction, make things more difficult. It isn't necessarily boredom with their partner, it's just that porn is immediate, hassle-free stimulation and they are totally in control of the situation. Yes it is lazy and selfish, but if he's gained all this weight as you say, then it can also partly be about feeling unattractive himself, and maybe not having the energy to perform... This is a very difficult problem. I had to give an ultimatum to turn things around. My H still masturbates, of course, but does not look at porn anymore. Sure, he's thinking about SOMEONE and having external thoughts when he masturbates,but as it no longer completely leaves me sexless, I am willing to let that go...even though I can't say I like it. Eventually, you're going to have to get the truth out of him, or figure it out on your own by looking at things and making sense of them, as I did. If it is about laziness, selfishness, performance anxiety, etc as it was for me, then there is hope of correcting it. If it is about him no longer being attracted to you, or about him having sexual needs that you cannot possibly fulfill, then there isn't much hope. Bottom line, you need to know what the true motivation of this behavior is with him...
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Porn in itself is not a bad thing. It can actually spark a couple's sex life, if they choose to use it in that way. Your husband is not using it in a healthy way. He is like a little boy in many ways, running to the porn instead of using the porn for a healthy purpose. I might suggest, and I think this is the best solution: couples therapy. It's clear that he has issues, and needs to work them out himself. Every man, whether in a relationship or single, will find the women on those porn sites attractive. The only difference is, some will find the woman who actually is "real", more appealing than, say, the virtual reality. And that is what you're not facing here.
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