ZXC123 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 20 yr marriage, just found out about LDR going on for 3+ years a couple weeks ago. They were meeting a few times a year. He is a MM for 15 yrs. w/10month old baby. Ourr plan was for her to move there(where he is) with kids(job transfer) get situated. For me to stay here, finish out the year with current job and to sell the house then move down next winter. Now what I think the plan was for her to get situated for six months with the kids then file for divorce that way I would have to chase custody out of state. She denies that this was her plan but states divorce has been in the back of her head. Once I discovered the affair on 21 Feb I had her move out, she saw an atty and filed that Friday 25th and was told to move back in. We have been discussing reconciliation since. I told her I don't know if I can deal with the pain later on and I don't know at this time. She seems to want to want to work on the marriage now. Prior to this she thought I could care less about our marriage and I did probably indicate that at the time. I am not sure where I am at now. I have been prodding her for information since I found out. She has been mostly open to who where when and why. How much info should she be telling me about it. Who has known details etc etc. I feel like if I asked she should tell. I have asked about some details or certain things and she tells me a few lies. I know they are lies because since then I have been either told otherwise from other people or she tells me on later. If I tell her that I know something new she won't deny it and tell me yes it was true. I asked specifically who else knew of it. She said no one. Last night I find out a good friend knew as did her sister. I also asked her what her friends opinion on the situation was. She refused to tell me. Pretty much said none of my GD business. That pretty much tells me the friend was giving her advise on how to get out. I really don't care if she was giving her that info or telling her she was crazy. Aren't I entitled to know the truth if I ask or is her hiding things fair. She is the one who did this not me. I think I have the right to know everything. We have been talking very openly up until last night until I found out the latest info. Seems like every day there is something new discovered and it is now pissing me off. I have told her over and over to lay it all out from day one. She still won't, what am entitled to as to the information.
woinlove Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 20 yr marriage, just found out about LDR going on for 3+ years a couple weeks ago. They were meeting a few times a year. He is a MM for 15 yrs. w/10month old baby. Ourr plan was for her to move there(where he is) with kids(job transfer) get situated. For me to stay here, finish out the year with current job and to sell the house then move down next winter. Now what I think the plan was for her to get situated for six months with the kids then file for divorce that way I would have to chase custody out of state. She denies that this was her plan but states divorce has been in the back of her head. Once I discovered the affair on 21 Feb I had her move out, she saw an atty and filed that Friday 25th and was told to move back in. We have been discussing reconciliation since. I told her I don't know if I can deal with the pain later on and I don't know at this time. She seems to want to want to work on the marriage now. Prior to this she thought I could care less about our marriage and I did probably indicate that at the time. I am not sure where I am at now. I have been prodding her for information since I found out. She has been mostly open to who where when and why. How much info should she be telling me about it. Who has known details etc etc. I feel like if I asked she should tell. I have asked about some details or certain things and she tells me a few lies. I know they are lies because since then I have been either told otherwise from other people or she tells me on later. If I tell her that I know something new she won't deny it and tell me yes it was true. I asked specifically who else knew of it. She said no one. Last night I find out a good friend knew as did her sister. I also asked her what her friends opinion on the situation was. She refused to tell me. Pretty much said none of my GD business. That pretty much tells me the friend was giving her advise on how to get out. I really don't care if she was giving her that info or telling her she was crazy. Aren't I entitled to know the truth if I ask or is her hiding things fair. She is the one who did this not me. I think I have the right to know everything. We have been talking very openly up until last night until I found out the latest info. Seems like every day there is something new discovered and it is now pissing me off. I have told her over and over to lay it all out from day one. She still won't, what am entitled to as to the information. From what you write I wonder if your W isn't staying in the marriage for some practical reason, such as finances or custody. Because she isn't acting like someone who wants to repair her marriage. If she did, she should be more open and not tell you its not of your GD business. She has had legal advice about your marriage. You should also, because if she doesn't really want a real marriage with you, it is not going to work. Also, if you post this in the Infidelity forum, you will likely get more experienced responses from people who have gone through something similar to you.
Author ZXC123 Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 Thank you, I missed the sub-forum. I will post it there.
spice4life Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 20 yr marriage, just found out about LDR going on for 3+ years a couple weeks ago. They were meeting a few times a year. He is a MM for 15 yrs. w/10month old baby. Ourr plan was for her to move there(where he is) with kids(job transfer) get situated. For me to stay here, finish out the year with current job and to sell the house then move down next winter. Now what I think the plan was for her to get situated for six months with the kids then file for divorce that way I would have to chase custody out of state. She denies that this was her plan but states divorce has been in the back of her head. Once I discovered the affair on 21 Feb I had her move out, she saw an atty and filed that Friday 25th and was told to move back in. We have been discussing reconciliation since. I told her I don't know if I can deal with the pain later on and I don't know at this time. She seems to want to want to work on the marriage now. Prior to this she thought I could care less about our marriage and I did probably indicate that at the time. I am not sure where I am at now. I have been prodding her for information since I found out. She has been mostly open to who where when and why. How much info should she be telling me about it. Who has known details etc etc. I feel like if I asked she should tell. I have asked about some details or certain things and she tells me a few lies. I know they are lies because since then I have been either told otherwise from other people or she tells me on later. If I tell her that I know something new she won't deny it and tell me yes it was true. I asked specifically who else knew of it. She said no one. Last night I find out a good friend knew as did her sister. I also asked her what her friends opinion on the situation was. She refused to tell me. Pretty much said none of my GD business. That pretty much tells me the friend was giving her advise on how to get out. I really don't care if she was giving her that info or telling her she was crazy. Aren't I entitled to know the truth if I ask or is her hiding things fair. She is the one who did this not me. I think I have the right to know everything. We have been talking very openly up until last night until I found out the latest info. Seems like every day there is something new discovered and it is now pissing me off. I have told her over and over to lay it all out from day one. She still won't, what am entitled to as to the information. Everyone deals with processing stuff like this differently. If you feel she is making an honest effort then maybe you can guide her on the best way to communicate this to you. With me, when I unintentionally hurt someone by communicating in a way they don't understand, I want them to tell me. I would tell them, "I'm sorry if I am not communicating in a way that makes you feel better about this. I'm more than happy to answer questions and will tell you anything you want to know. I'm just trying to wrap my head around what happened and understand it myself. My head and heart are in the right place, I'm not lying, I'm just having a hard time explaining." Perhaps she coming from a more "subjective" mind set? Meaning, you want time lines and details and she is giving you "where her head was at". Does that make sense? For me, where the person's head and heart are at is more important to me than actual time lines and details. So I have a tendency to communicate the subjective picture not realizing it's not what the person wants to hear. If the person tells me outright, "no! I only want time lines and details...that's it", I would comply. Hope this makes sense. In any case, good luck and best wishes.
Emme Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I am sorry for the pain that you are going through right now. I will say that honesty is hard. I think if everyone was honest it would be a episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I think that in her mind she still wants to protect you even though it seems out there... its true. I once heard a guy make the statement that you lie to the one you love and you tell the truth to the one you don't care about. In some sense it's true. She feels she's hurt you enough there is no point in digging a deeper wound. She's ashamed. If you feel you need to know keep asking and tell her that it's something that you would like to know to help you better understand. I am no sure if you are looking for ammo or maybe her lawyer told her not to speak of it. That might also be the case. But she is reliving what she did to you when she talks about it. *sigh* I don't know what else to say... I'm sorry you're going through this.
2sure Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 This wasnt just cheating. She was planning on taking your children away, uprooting lives, turning yours upside down...all without your consent or even knowledge. You would have sold the house and had to give her half the cash. She moved back in and wants to reconcile because she saw an attorney who told her that now that you know what was happening...her plan will not work. See a lawyer. The betrayal is worse because she laid all these plans involving her children ...with a man who is married and probably has no idea of her intent or at least will not follow up. She is a nut job as far as a mother goes and you really really better watch your back.
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