yeah Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 This is just a thought, so please don't anyone take offense in either direction. My personal belief is that during the NC period, in the upper 90th percentile of scenarios, the only action that the MM realistically considers is in fishing out or "grooming" an easier OW (to prepare themselves in the event that the original OW actually sticks to her guns), not even in trying to fix up their marriage, and definitely not in taking steps to end their marriages. Any thoughts on this?
East7 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 My personal belief is that during the NC period, in the upper 90th percentile of scenarios, the only action that the MM realistically considers is in fishing out or "grooming" an easier OW (to prepare themselves in the event that the original OW actually sticks to her guns), not even in trying to fix up their marriage, and definitely not in taking steps to end their marriages. Any thoughts on this? Not necessarily. It depends on the MM, if serial cheater or not. Making a general rule is not accurate.
Silly_Girl Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 In my view if MM wanted to fix his marriage there'd be no reference to NC because he'd have been long gone way before. The A simply wouldn't exist.
spice4life Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 This is just a thought, so please don't anyone take offense in either direction. My personal belief is that during the NC period, in the upper 90th percentile of scenarios, the only action that the MM realistically considers is in fishing out or "grooming" an easier OW (to prepare themselves in the event that the original OW actually sticks to her guns), not even in trying to fix up their marriage, and definitely not in taking steps to end their marriages. Any thoughts on this? If that's the case then the person who went NC is doing the right thing if she can't handle an affair. It's sad really...that people choose to settle for an affair instead of taking a stand and doing the right thing. Personally, I will never travel down that road again. Not a chance. I solved the problems that put in that place to begin with and if I was with a MM and he was content with the affair, then leaving would be the right thing to do.
jthorne Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 This is just a thought, so please don't anyone take offense in either direction. My personal belief is that during the NC period, in the upper 90th percentile of scenarios, the only action that the MM realistically considers is in fishing out or "grooming" an easier OW (to prepare themselves in the event that the original OW actually sticks to her guns), not even in trying to fix up their marriage, and definitely not in taking steps to end their marriages. Any thoughts on this?I think you are looking at it backwards. You seem to be saying here that NC is used to manipulate. That's not the true intent. It's really none of the OW's concern what the MM is doing during NC; she should be making efforts to move on with her life.
OWoman Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I think you are looking at it backwards. You seem to be saying here that NC is used to manipulate. That's not the true intent. It's really none of the OW's concern what the MM is doing during NC; she should be making efforts to move on with her life. This is why it's pointless advising NC to an OW unless she is done with the A. NC is not a means of "pushing the MM off the fence" and helping him come to his senses by seeing how impoverished his life would be without her - that would amount to manipulation, and runs the risk of backfiring, apart from anything else. NC serves (to the OW) one purpose only - to remove the MM from the OW's life so that he can't cause her any further pain (or pleasure, or anything else). (Of course, it serves another purpose to the couple, which is to allow them the opportunity to work on the M in the absence of the OW complicating things with her distracting presence.) NC is a friend of the reconciling couple, and the departing OW. NC is not a friend of the confused OW, the conflicted MM or the AP couple who hopes to be together at some time in the future any more than deafness is a friend to music.
Silly_Girl Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 This is why it's pointless advising NC to an OW unless she is done with the A. NC is not a means of "pushing the MM off the fence" and helping him come to his senses by seeing how impoverished his life would be without her - that would amount to manipulation, and runs the risk of backfiring, apart from anything else. NC serves (to the OW) one purpose only - to remove the MM from the OW's life so that he can't cause her any further pain (or pleasure, or anything else). (Of course, it serves another purpose to the couple, which is to allow them the opportunity to work on the M in the absence of the OW complicating things with her distracting presence.) NC is a friend of the reconciling couple, and the departing OW. NC is not a friend of the confused OW, the conflicted MM or the AP couple who hopes to be together at some time in the future any more than deafness is a friend to music. Such total clarity. I'm so glad you're here!!!
Confused4Now Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 This is why it's pointless advising NC to an OW unless she is done with the A. NC is not a means of "pushing the MM off the fence" and helping him come to his senses by seeing how impoverished his life would be without her - that would amount to manipulation, and runs the risk of backfiring, apart from anything else. NC serves (to the OW) one purpose only - to remove the MM from the OW's life so that he can't cause her any further pain (or pleasure, or anything else). (Of course, it serves another purpose to the couple, which is to allow them the opportunity to work on the M in the absence of the OW complicating things with her distracting presence.) NC is a friend of the reconciling couple, and the departing OW. NC is not a friend of the confused OW, the conflicted MM or the AP couple who hopes to be together at some time in the future any more than deafness is a friend to music. I would have to agree with you on this one OWoman....I was of the opinion in the past that I used NC as a means to get my xMW off the fence and what I found was myself waiting rather than moving forward with my life. After almost 3 years she's still there. So if I used NC the way it was intended I would been so much further ahead. I want to say GREAT POST!!! thanks
TigerCub Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 This is just a thought, so please don't anyone take offense in either direction. My personal belief is that during the NC period, in the upper 90th percentile of scenarios, the only action that the MM realistically considers is in fishing out or "grooming" an easier OW (to prepare themselves in the event that the original OW actually sticks to her guns), not even in trying to fix up their marriage, and definitely not in taking steps to end their marriages. Any thoughts on this? I never used NC as a means of manipulating to get xMM to come my way. I used it as an attempt to end what I didn't feel right doing - end a situation that brought me so much pain. It just took a few dozen tries - because like OWoman said, it has to be done when someone is really ready. But each NC attempt, made it very slightly easier to do the next one - but only very slightly, and I had to absolutely reach my rope's end to finally go NC (not LC) and be completely fine with it. As for your question: my xMM is a serial cheater - so it could have been very likely that he was on the prowl for another OW that would be easier to handle - that's entirely possible. He was aware I was dating others while with him (it seemed only fair - since he had a long time gf). Honestly, I wouldn't put it past him - but I do agree with the others that said, that its not every MM that would do that.
spice4life Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I totally agree with OWoman and the others. NC should never be used to bring the AP back. It should strictly be used as means to break a cycle and move on with your life. I openly admit that I used it in the beginning of my A as a means to push him off the fense and then my therapist called me out on it. The many attempts after were truly me trying to get out of situation that was just too painful for me. I caved many times...too many to count! Great thread. Thanks!
Emme Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 (Of course, it serves another purpose to the couple, which is to allow them the opportunity to work on the M in the absence of the OW complicating things with her distracting presence.) This is beyond on point. I really in all these years never thought of myself as a distraction. Being friends in the beginning and at the end of the affair, I just saw us as friends without the sex. It just seems like a friendship that has ended. Not a distraction in both our lives that's come to an end. Yes the emotinal affair was needed and still is. I feel so sick. Wow... *sigh* Thanks for the objective view point Owoman.
desertIslandCactus Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 This is just a thought, so please don't anyone take offense in either direction. My personal belief is that during the NC period, in the upper 90th percentile of scenarios, the only action that the MM realistically considers is in fishing out or "grooming" an easier OW (to prepare themselves in the event that the original OW actually sticks to her guns), not even in trying to fix up their marriage, and definitely not in taking steps to end their marriages. Any thoughts on this? Whatever it takes. For the poor imprisoned MM to either live with his M - or take on more OW(s), it shouldn't matter. If the present OW is set free - and for more positive endeavors - that's all that matters.
Silly_Girl Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Whatever it takes. For the poor imprisoned MM to either live with his M - or take on more OW(s), it shouldn't matter. If the present OW is set free - and for more positive endeavors - that's all that matters. This surprises me. This is the first non pro-M/pro-W post I can recall seeing from you DIC. Not that I have an opinion of it but it struck me so much I wanted to make the observation.
desertIslandCactus Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 (edited) This surprises me. This is the first non pro-M/pro-W post I can recall seeing from you DIC. Not that I have an opinion of it but it struck me so much I wanted to make the observation. I am very much pro-M, SG. But as for the MM users, I am also all for the OW's escape. I believe that the MM who have strayed, are using most of these OW, for their ego - and the putty of their so-called marital issues. Edited March 12, 2011 by desertIslandCactus
Silly_Girl Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I am very much pro-M, SG. But as for the MM users, I am also all for the OW's escape. I believe that the MM who have strayed, are using most of these OW, for their ego - and the putty of their so-called marital issues. I know you are, and I wasn't being unkind. In fact, thinking again I probably appreciated the content as it's easy to turn every OW board thread in to a 'poor BS' thread, not just you but anyone.
Heather1 Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 For me, NC has been a way to end something OM says he doesn't want. He wants to go back to being friends, I have too much chemistry w/ him for that. If that's what he wants, the only way is NC.
Summer Breeze Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 My xMM initiated NC after each dday and failed miserably. He was back in touch in a few weeks each time. I initiated it when I was done with the A and knew it was time to move on and I have never initiated contact with him. Actually the only contact is 1 sided. He sends flowers on my birthday and Valentine's Day and he sends me emails once in a while. I enjoy the flowers and I keep the emails. I respond to nothing. I think OW has put it so perfectly by the way. That was an excellent post and completely sums up the good and bad in people almost demanding an OW go NC when she isn't ready.
desertIslandCactus Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 My xMM initiated NC after each dday and failed miserably. He was back in touch in a few weeks each time. I initiated it when I was done with the A and knew it was time to move on and I have never initiated contact with him. Actually the only contact is 1 sided. He sends flowers on my birthday and Valentine's Day and he sends me emails once in a while. I enjoy the flowers and I keep the emails. I respond to nothing. I think OW has put it so perfectly by the way. That was an excellent post and completely sums up the good and bad in people almost demanding an OW go NC when she isn't ready. I am one who does agree, that an NC works out best - when an OW readies herself in the spirit, prior. It is steps..
Summer Breeze Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I am one who does agree, that an NC works out best - when an OW readies herself in the spirit, prior. It is steps.. Absolutely. When I ended things I often wondered how uncomfy he was in the NC since it was forced on him. The first couple of days were always a little uneasy for me because I missed him horribly but I knew what it was from the start so I just always assumed he was serious and we were done and I got on with things.
TurboGirl Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 (edited) here in the forum. I think my xMM is a serial cheater... and when the shine of his brilliance begins to wear off, and the current OW sees that he is truly not even a decent human being... and starts questioning him and not being as sweet & compliant.... that's what happened with me. He is off to the next one. And hell will freeze over before I speak with him again. I know the day will come & he will email or call, but NO WAY am I going back for more pain and abuse. Edited March 12, 2011 by TurboGirl
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