whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 You know what? Not all can forgive and work through an affair. And, that's okay. He put you this spot by cheating and betraying you. He has been lying and gaslighting you (still lying, denying, giving trickles of the truth he sees fit, on his terms, making you feel like you're the one who has the issues and is going crazy) so he is the broken one, not you. IF you feel you can't get past this, that's okay. If you want to work on things, that's okay too. No decision has to be made at this moment, but if YOU feel you're better off by having him out of the house, so you can figure things out, then ask him to move out and do a separation.
Snowflower Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I do tend to hold grudges - clearly a weakness. Also, it's naturally hard for me to trust. Given both of these character flaws I'm not sure I will ever really move forward from this, even if he truly tries to make this right... I'm not sure that's fair to him (i know, I know - I shouldn't care about this) and would I only be fooling myself to think that I can forgive and forget. You know what? This sounds a lot like me in regards to the grudges and trust. I wasn't sure that I could ever get over what my H had done. But first things first. Your H is not at a place right now where he can even make the commitment to you to make things right. Take care of yourself first.
What_Next Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Do find a friend that you can talk to, heavens yes. To feel ashamed over what he did, yes that is normal. In fact most if not all BS go through those emotions. Finding someone you can trust to confide in will help you more than you could ever know. On D-day and the few days following I did tell my family of my wife's affair and her family, and well you get the picture. I wish I hadn't. Now that we are reconciling it makes things much more difficult. I agree, there's no need to tell them unless you are going to divorce. Snowflower is RIGHT, take care of YOU. I also agree boot his sorry a__ out for a while. Make it clear that he doesn't get back in right away. Unless he is willing to 100% come clean you have nowhere to go. Also like has been mentioned is is more than OK to say "I cannot get over this and I want to divorce". That is fine. DO NOT make any major decisions for a while though, clear your headspace first.
Author Reiney Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 Thank you all VERY - VERY much for the great insight, advice and well, just for listening. I have an appointment with a counselor next week and hope that between that and your recommendations I will soon have a plan or at least some direction. I have also made a lunch date with my friend who I'm going to try to confide in. Again, I can't that you all enough.
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 You need to tell her H. He has a right to know and you are robbing him of the truth by not informing him. Good luck You have also persuaded me to contact her husband She is going to tell her H.
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