Reiney Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 May 28, 2010, my daughters 24th birthday. My husband of 28 years comes home to tell me that he “made out” with someone from work. He tells me this because he thinks he "caught something" from her. Leading up to this he has spent the month since the encounter going to doctors and specialists because he had a rash.... My world changed I married my husband in the summer of '84. I knew him well. Great guy, attentive, loving, wonderful, great provider, gentle - a family man. Life has been wonderful. 3 kids great kids, 3 dogs and 3 cats - I guess everything came in 3's to us. We are your average dual income middle class family. My husband, a dependable hardworking blue collar man from a family of men that also share a union brotherhood. Me, I went the other route as a marketer trying to keep my head above water in the ever-changing business of technology. I'm not sure when we stopped connecting. Our children and our jobs consumed us. A few years back my husband began working along side a woman in his shop. She is married with 4 children, 1 fully grown and the others, under the age of 10. Her husband also works for the same company that she and my husband work for. She and my husband became friends - this is normal right? After all, I work with men all day long and never found this disturbing to have a friendship with a man. I guess you could say that I trusted my husband completely. About 2-years ago my 25 year old niece who also works for the same company as my husband, shared with my husbands family that she thought he was friendly with his co-worker. She referred to this woman as his at-work girlfriend. My husband who heard about this “rumor” from his father, instantly became defensive and upset at his niece. Painting his niece as a trouble-maker that loves creating lies and drama. I laughed it off and chalked it up to her loving the drama of it all. But, one thing always stuck with me. Why was my husband passionately defensive and upset? Fast-forward - Last year. May 28, 2010. My world crashed. My husband tells me that he "made out" with let's call her Roxanne… In the following moments he then tells me that a. he's gone to the doctor to be tested because of a rash he has b. that he does not want to lose "us" - the family. Okay - here is where I paused in thought. As if I was at the back of the line when God was handing out brains!?! Chances are if your being tested for a rash "down there" it's because you’re fearful that it's a sexually transmitted disease. It requires a little bit more than a make-out session with someone to get that kind of a rash... Needless to say you can only imagine my response. Although I was calm, did not cry (at least not in front of him), did not hit or scream - I was mad, and above all disappointed. The person I trusted COMPLETELY let me down. I asked him to leave. He did. After learning of the escapade I researched his every move - I wanted to know was it truly a one-nighter or was there something more? What I can tell you is that he and Roxanne talked frequently on the phone. When I was traveling on business their calls tripled. When I would call him he would hang up with her, call me, then call her back. The calls were before and after work. Yes, it's normal to blow off steam with co-workers after work. But come on, remember - I wasn't waiting at the back of the line for brains. After returning home 5-days later we talked about the infidelity and next steps. We decided that giving up on nearly 27 years of marriage was not an option. Letting our children know about this was also not an option. Though they are 19, 21 and 24 it's still not okay in my opinion to involve the children in anyway it would only break their hearts and possibly destroy their relationship with their father. Roxanne? She never told her husband. I didn't confront her, in fact I've never seen her. My husband talked with her and said that he told her that what happened between them was a huge mistake and that he told me about their "Make out session". Yes, my husband continued working along side of her. Why? The long-hard truth is that my husband has 23 years in with this company and is only a few years away from being fully vested in retirement. I was apprehensively okay with this as long as the only time talked was at work, about work. So, what did we do to heal... We spent more time together. We talked more. I didn't hold back with my questions. If I had concerns I brought them up. After all this was on him. Penance, perhaps - but it was my right to ask. I was not going to internalize my thoughts and walk on eggshells. Wondering, wondering, wondering… Yes, he apologized over, and over again. He said that it was the worst thing he ever did and I honestly believe meant it. Intimacy finally began to get back on track. But, for some reason trust had not returned. Then the storm hit. November 23rd 5:13AM - Yes, is said AM. A snowstorm decided to pound our water side city. When snow hits here, it hits hard. This particular morning as my husband was driving to work, he exchanged a phone call with Roxanne... Apparently Roxanne went to my husband the night before asking him if he could pick her up the following morning as she was terrified to drive in the snow. How did I find out about the call? Remember when I did all of that research? I tagged her phone number - OR what I believed was her number. I wasn't sure, but had a hunch it was. When the number was dialed or a call came in from this number an alert would come to my cellphone to let me know that a call to this particular number took place. When I awoke later that morning and discovered that this had taken place I immediately dialed the number. A woman answered I asked "Is this Roxanne?" she replied "Yes". That was all I needed to hear. All of those months between May and November trying to repair the marriage boiled down to an early morning call leaving me once again upset and very angry. Yes - I immediately confronted him that day when he came home. He apologized and claimed that he would had done this for anyone he worked with - that he was trying to be a "nice guy" - His words, "nice guy". Yes - I confronted her too for the first time. She told me not to over-react that it was innocent, she needed a ride and that my husband was nothing more than a gentleman by offering. This pretty much made me lose it. Now, 4 month later? I'm at a loss... This whole thing consumes my every waking moment of thought, intimacy is abysmal and now I have moments of complete disgust for him. I find myself now tuning him out. I can’t shake the fact that I do love him, I do care for him and I don't want to give up on us, but I am truly finding it hard to move forward with the relationship. Trust has been violated, and I have a deep belief that they were in an emotional relationship and that this went on much longer than what I was told. I’ve kept this to myself – my friends and family do not know. I’ve not talked with a single soul, but am dying for advice. I would love to hear your thoughts. Oh, and BTW – the rash??? It was just a heat rash. Thank goodness because we did have sex between the time he “made out” with Roxanne and when he told me about it.
dbtmarley Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Reiney, Sorry about your terrible situation. As someone who speaks with great knowledge about STD's, I would suggest you get a full panel done at your local health department. If it's a rash down there then I think he suspects he may have caught something from sex and not "making out". Of course, it may very well have been a heat rash, but his suspicion's point to unprotected sex. I would get one done just to be on the safe side. It's hard to trust his word at this point so it would be best to cover the bases sort of speak. HPV is one of the leading causes of cervical cancer and it usually goes undiagnosed. It's always best to look out for yourself when you suspect your spouse is cheating. I found out this out the hard way in September 2005. Now regarding the other stuff, I'm a bit perplexed. You say you love him and that he's a great guy, but he's not really that great because he's making you feel like crap. He's taken away all the trust you've built for the last 28 years, and then the moment you start building an ounce of hope that this can be repaired, he throws it all away because she can't find a ride from anyone else. It's seems to me, after his first screw up, that you've done everything possible to make the marriage work. Where's her husband at? If this was me, I would tell him to move out for a while because I need some space to work things out in my head. I would tell him that if I decide I want him back I will let him know, but that if I so much got one hunch, even if wrong, that he was seeing Roxanne I was leaving him for good. I would remind him that the onus is on him to convince me from the day he leaves that he has no interest in her anymore, and that it's me he wants. Because really, do I want someone that doesn't love me? Not only does he not respect your marriage but he doesn't respect the marriage of another man..... I think I would even throw out there," next time I find out you're even looking at Roxanne I'm going to tell her husband Jim everything". I mean why honor his secret? He's surely not honoring his wife?
jnj express Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Hey reiney---you are handling your R., very poorly 1st you have basically allowed his A. to be swept under the rug---did you ever at any point find out all the details, and everything that happened---or is it you just don't wanna know-----Your H. needs to tell you everything---and you who have already turned a blind-eye continue to just let his A. slide--- Who you owe one very large apology to is your neice who tried to warn you---but you of course---you wouldn't even consider what she said---you in your pompous way said---no you are wrong and stay out of my life-------guess what the karma bus is hitting pretty hard What you need to do if you want a mge---is to take an extremely hard line---tell your H., absolutely NC---and he needs to leave his job---cuz he is still in contact---but of course you in your infinite wisdom will tell us for financial reasons your H. can't leave---well then guess what the A. continues--- A's. end because there is NC---if your H. continues to work with this woman---he sees her, she is in his mind--hence the A. continues---and I am willing to bet your H. had plenty of sex with this woman---he certainly isn't gonna come clean---cuz you are letting the whole A. just slide under the rug That woman had a H. to drive her to work---but what does she do, she calls your H. and he goes running---wake up---your H. is still in his A. You have to, as I said before, take a very hard line---give your H. specific boundaries, with dealbreaker consequences that you will act on- -- somehow I doubt that will happen cuz you love your cheating H., and you want it all to work---well if that is the case then just stop whining, and suck it up--cuz your H. is gonna continue to do as he pleases whether you like it or not
woinlove Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 This sounds like a lot more than just a physical relationship, since not only do they work together, but he has spent a lot of time connecting with her outside of work. He chose to deceive you over his relationship with her. Your H has clearly demonstrated that he cannot be trusted and him revealing his affair was not a wakeup call to him. He also sounds capable of cruelty in the way he undermined the reputation of his niece to keep his secret affair going. You need to protect yourself. Yes, get checked for STDs. Don't believe your H as he has already lied to you. Also, contact a lawyer and check out your rights and options. The way your H has been behaving, you have no way of knowing whether he is planning his retirement with you or with Roxanne. Don't ignore the information he has given you about how little respect he has for you and your marriage. Maybe your marriage can be repaired, maybe he can change, but I wouldn't count on either as a certainty - so you need to be prepared. I'm very sorry you are going through this. You should confide in a friend or family member and also professional counselling can help you get through this.
Snowflower Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Reiney, welcome to LS...I hope you found that when you posted your story, that it was therapeutic for you. Sometimes just writing out everything that happened helps you gain a new perspective. I hope you will find some answers here. A couple of things that hit me from you story...is yes, your H is involved in a classic affair. I know it always seems like our stories are unique, but if you hang around here long enough, there are a lot of common denominators. Please don't fool yourself into thinking what your H did wasn't that bad or that serious. Not saying that you are, but it is a common defense mechanism for a BS (betrayed spouse-YOU) in the early days. Also, your instincts were right about the rash down there. I think he is lying to you about the heat rash. If he had nothing to worry about, then why was he worried? Follow your instincts. Not your head, which will try rationalize everything you find out. Or your broken heart, which desperately wants to believe him because you love him and have known him all these years. Follow your gut. Listen to your woman's intuition which has likely been screaming at you these last several months that something is terribly wrong. Also, why don't you contact her H about what you do know? I think he has a right to know, don't you? He is in the same situation that you are...probably knows there is something wrong with his marriage. Or, maybe he does know and the two of you can compare notes. Also, don't tell your husband that you are going to her husband or ask his permission to do this. He will definitely try to stop you. I also think that your H and Roxanne can no longer work together if you want this A to stop. There is a lot more I could write but I'll wait to see what else is posted on this thread first. I'm sorry for your pain. In the meantime, take care of yourself first. Focus on you, your job (you may find your career to be a lifeline in more ways than one now), your friends, interests, etc.
Spark1111 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Reiney...you need a support system and fast! No one should have to bear this burden alone --NO ONE! If it was truly innocent, why did he not tell you he was picking this woman up? Hell, why did he not ask you if it was okay with YOU to pick this woman up? Affairs thrive in secrecy. Time to tell a trusted family member. Time to blow a whistle. Time to demand you be treated with respect. Time to get tested for STDs. Time to throw a few plates and curses around your kitchen! Time to tell her husband. Time for this work couple to face the music for all this deception and dishonesty. You have given him one, two and now three strikes! He's OUT!
Author Reiney Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 Thank you so much for the advice. I did immediately go in for tests the Monday after he told me about this. I also went in for a second round of tests 3 months after this just to confirm that everything was okay. I was so terrified and humiliated. He has also agreed to marriage counseling and requesting a transfer to another shop. The only problem is that moving to another shop still keeps them in the same space. Why haven't I told her husband? Trust me when I say I think even daydream about it ALL THE TIME but at the end of the day I can't see how that would help my situation. Jobs would be lost, relationships destroyed and children left without parents. I just think it would cause too much damage. Damage that I don't want to be responsible for. I did tell her that if she had half an ounce of respect or love for her husband she would tell him. Regarding my niece... My husband apologized to her at Christmas. But of course never admitted to the crime. I've always been friendly with his niece and at the time thanked her for the heads-up. I can't believe that at the time my reaction was to laugh it up because surely my husband would never cheat on me... Yeah, right. I don't want to sound weak or without self confidence, I'm truly not those things. I'm a person that always thinks about actions, outcomes and others. This is why I think I need help. I'm completely conflicted. There is one side of me saying to myself kick him out, move on, you deserve better. The other side of me is saying he will never do this again, get over it, think about your family. Perhaps there is a tall tale sign in all of this... I find myself looking for him to do something wrong so that I can walk... Does that mean I want to leave, but just don't have the willpower to do it? Which then breaks down to me just being done with the marriage... I'm beginning to think so. A couple of things are sticking with me. 1. beyond the constant apologies and crying (which seems to happen a lot) he hasn't proven to me that he's not interested her anymore and working along side of does not help the situation. 2. my gut is telling me that there was at the very least an emotional relationship here and or possibly a long term affair. 3. i believe talking with a counselor will help give me the tools to take some sort of a next step. Thank you for the advice - it's been incredibly therapeutic!
Linda9999 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 (edited) I am living through trying to reconcile after infidelity, and it sounds to me like your husband needs to step up to the plate and fight for his marriage. My last D day was Nov 6/10. Just yesterday I did a ton of reading about what needs to happen after infidelity. Some of it you guys are doing, but it sounds like it's mostly you who is doing it. If my husb and was acting like that I wouldn't be with him any more. He needs to prove to you he is committed to you - answer ALL your questions (as many times as you need him to), come COMPLETELY clean, break off all contact with her, apologize to you ten thousand times, etc. He may regret that you found out, but it doesn't sound like he is really remorseful. There's a huge difference. Edited to add - it takes AT LEAST two if not more years to recover after infidelity. You need a LOT more time. Edited March 10, 2011 by Linda9999
What_Next Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Any recovery and/or reconciliation begins with honesty, complete, utter and brutal honesty. Now I'll caution you to only answer those questions that you can handle hearing the answers for. Your husband is trickle truthing, he is downplaying what he did. I suggest you find the letter to a wayward spouse (http://http://members.tripod.com/betrayed_spouses-ivil/id38.html) and use it. Ask whatever you want to ask, and DEMAND honesty. Good luck, and I agree with Spark111 it's time for YOU to seek assistance, DO NOT attempt this alone. I feel for you, I really do.
jnj express Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Hey R---You need to tell the other H.---No more excuses from you---the other H. is entitled to know what he is dealing with for a wife---and he should have full knowledge so he can make an informed decision about the rest of his life---also if done right the 2 of you together can become allies and fight any future contact that your wandering spouses might attempt Your H. needs to move from his job, or find employment elsewhere---he is still in contact---and that is your no. 1 enemy--- Next what you now need to do---is an extremely hard 180, and continue it no matter what---you do these things you will get the results you desire------how do I know cuz THOUSANDS OF BETRAYEDS HAVE USED THEM SINCE TIME BEGAN AND THEY WORK
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Jobs would be lost, relationships destroyed and children left without parents But, this isn't your fault. It's his and hers alone! If that happens, you are not to blame, and neither is her husband. He has a right to know as well, so he can make an informed decision if HE wants to work on his marriage or divorce. Your H has been lying for so long. Sorry to say this, but it's been going on alot longer than you thought and it isn't just emotional, it's physical. The A never really stopped..Maybe physically it did, but emotionally it didn't. I am sorry for your pain. And I'm sorry that he has done this to you and your kids. He's the one who is risking everything for this OW.
Author Reiney Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 Wow - you guys have given me so much to think about. Thank you so VERY - VERY much. I just made an appointment with a marriage counselor for just me. Not him, not now. You have also persuaded me to contact her husband. This is so scary to me.
kuma Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 (edited) 2. my gut is telling me that there was at the very least an emotional relationship here and or possibly a long term affair. Reiney, trust your gut. He's not being completely honest with you. He only confessed to cheating because he had an STD scare. Edited March 10, 2011 by kuma
dbtmarley Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Reiney, trust you gut. He's not being completely honest with you. He only confessed to cheating because he had an STD scare. Good point, I agree. You should definitely contact the OW husband and make him aware of what has been going on. Your husband has betrayed any allegiance you have with him by cheating on you. He did not care about your feelings and continue's to do so. It is time to let the cat out of the bag. This will be a very big move on your part and it won't be easy. Doing so will not make you feel any better about the situation, you'll still be hurt. But, it will either bring the affair to an end or perhaps even push the two together. You are going to need a strong support system on this one sister. Doing what's right is not always so easy and my heart goes out to you because this is some real janky sh&t you are having to deal with. Think it through before you make your move. Get more advice from the others here, and, of course, see that marriage counselor for yourself. You're in my thoughts, keep your chin up.
freestyle Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I know there may be a few who will disagree with me---but I'm also firmly in the camp of informing the other betrayed spouse. From everything I've read about stopping, and recovering from affairs---it's one of the first things that's needed. First , because the other betrayed party has a right to make an informed decision about where he's continuing to invest his emotional currency, as well as knowing that he could be at risk for an STD. Second--once the affair gets exposed to the light of day, it may very likely lose the hypnotic hold it has over the participants.Sometimes seeing the pain in a spouse's face is the ice water in the face needed to break the spell. (not always-but it can't hurt.....) I'd like to reiterate what WhichWayIsUp said.......this is NOT your fault. Any consequences or fallout from THEIR actions is THEIR responsibility. They are BOTH adults who made the decision the behave deceptively to their loved ones...............so don't allow your H to place any blame on you for telling the truth.
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Wow - you guys have given me so much to think about. Thank you so VERY - VERY much. I just made an appointment with a marriage counselor for just me. Not him, not now. You have also persuaded me to contact her husband. This is so scary to me. This is good. Put you first for now, get stronger so when/if the time comes you do need to make a decision, you'll be better equipped to handle it and also not let him manipulate you, control you, gaslight you, or try to blame you. Who knows why he did this. Just know, it isn't your fault and you didn't push him to do this. It sounds like you two had a very good marriage, a good life.. He screwed up it by choosing this path. He is broken inside.. I doubt very much he actively went looking for the affair, sounds more like these two just let whatever happen, happen without thinking of any consquences, without thinking of you and her husband, kids.. They are both selfish and for that, their consquences and fallout they'll have to deal with is going to be tough. Oh well.. Just hope they both own it. Is there a trusted friend, someone you're close to that you can talk to? Doing counselling is great, posting here is good too, but it'll be good too if there's a friend you can talk to as well, for support, for a hug..
Author Reiney Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 Thanks DBTMARLEY - Oh, boy. This is exhausting. Something I failed to mention... When he told me about this I asked him if he wasn't afraid that he had an STD would he have told me.... He replied "eventually". With all of the advice this forum has given me, it's come crystal clear that my gut has right and that he had no intentions on every telling me. If it wasn't for the scare I bet the affair would still be going on. Thank you, all of you so much.
Author Reiney Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 Just noticed several posts that I didn't see before - This forum is so helpful! I'm embarrassed to tell a friend - Sounds stupid right? I truly feel like an idiot, I should had known better. There is one friend that I could go to who went through something similar. her husband cheated during their 6th year of marriage. Now 20 years later they are still together and worked through it. I don't want to tell my family, they will never-never get over it.
uncool Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 ..."my husband continued working along side of her because he is only a few years away from being fully vested in retirement" ..."I was apprehensively okay with this as long as the only time talked was at work" - I wasn't waiting at the back of the line for brains. where were you in that brain line ?
freestyle Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Just noticed several posts that I didn't see before - This forum is so helpful! I'm embarrassed to tell a friend - Sounds stupid right? I truly feel like an idiot, I should had known better. There is one friend that I could go to who went through something similar. her husband cheated during their 6th year of marriage. Now 20 years later they are still together and worked through it. I don't want to tell my family, they will never-never get over it. actually feeling embarrassed to tell a friend is a normal, knee-jerk reaction--- It also indicates to me that you are bearing the brunt of the blame upon YOUR shoulders. It doesn't belong there. Your H's actions are HIS responsibility. The humiliation belongs to HIM, not you. that being said--it's still a normal reaction. Especially since you have been gaslighted. It's also normal for a BS to beat themselves up, wondering what they did wrong, what they could have done better, etc.... ,,,,,because somehow it's less painful than facing the truth that your partner has something broken inside him, to be able to carry on with a deception of this magnitude.
Author Reiney Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 I think i was 2nd to the last in the back of the line - Clearly, I know.
Spark1111 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 actually feeling embarrassed to tell a friend is a normal, knee-jerk reaction--- It also indicates to me that you are bearing the brunt of the blame upon YOUR shoulders. It doesn't belong there. Your H's actions are HIS responsibility. The humiliation belongs to HIM, not you. that being said--it's still a normal reaction. Especially since you have been gaslighted. It's also normal for a BS to beat themselves up, wondering what they did wrong, what they could have done better, etc.... ,,,,,because somehow it's less painful than facing the truth that your partner has something broken inside him, to be able to carry on with a deception of this magnitude. Your humiliation is a normal response! I agree with Freestyle. But you did not have an affair, risk STDs, your reputation, the love of your spouse and children and family to be with another....for apparently a long time. Unfortunately, without consequences, many a WS just keep going underground with the affair. It is time to expose this. Maybe throw him out for awhile. You sound like a sweet and loving woman. He has/is taking advantage of your loving and kind nature. What does Reiney want?
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Just noticed several posts that I didn't see before - This forum is so helpful! I'm embarrassed to tell a friend - Sounds stupid right? I truly feel like an idiot, I should had known better. There is one friend that I could go to who went through something similar. her husband cheated during their 6th year of marriage. Now 20 years later they are still together and worked through it. I don't want to tell my family, they will never-never get over it. Don't tell your family unless there's going to be a divorce. Just keep in mind that as much as you may want to salvage the marriage, try to fix it, give him a chance, he HAS TO BE WILLING to change and put in the effort too. He has to be a complete open book to you (email passwords, cell phone texts visible to you etc) and most of all, the OW has to be out of his life. No contact. One of them has to quit. Though once you talk to this woman's husband, she may be the one to quit, he may make that a priority if they are to fix their marriage. If he is unwilling to be an open book or to change his ways, not accept FULL responsibility for his choice, get counselling to fix himself, then there's no point in doing MC with him to save the marriage. Anyway, time will tell as to which direction he's headed.
Author Reiney Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 Thanks SPARK1111 - What I REALLY want is for this whole thing to go away. I keep thinking that I will wake-up and find out that it was all a terrible dream. I do tend to hold grudges - clearly a weakness. Also, it's naturally hard for me to trust. Given both of these character flaws I'm not sure I will ever really move forward from this, even if he truly tries to make this right... I'm not sure that's fair to him (i know, I know - I shouldn't care about this) and would I only be fooling myself to think that I can forgive and forget. Clearly I need help in a big way.
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