So so angry!!!!!

[LittleTiger]

This one took off in a strange direction didn't it?

 

It is funny how some people like to 'mind read' what the OP is thinking based on such a small amount of information.

 

We all have different arrangements and agreements concerning money within our relationships, LDR or not, and it's not for anyone else to say whether that's right or wrong. Some people consider all money joint money, others keep their own money for themselves - it depends on the two people involved what works for them. We can all have our own opinions but we can't tell the OP how they should organise their finances.

 

If Omei and her bf had an agreement that X money would be used for their visit (which is a joint thing) then, if one person goes back on the agreement, that's out of order. What if it had been the other way around and Omei had spent the flight money on going out with her friends? Her bf would have every right to be angry because she would have ruined their plans.

 

Relationships are supposed to be partnerships which means a bit of give and take and a certain amount of responsibility for both your partner and your relationship. Sometimes one partner doesn't fulfill their end of the bargain and that needs addressing. To ignore it or excuse it would be foolish.

 

To say the relationship isn't working is a very big step too far! No relationship is perfect and many will survive major hurdles, never mind little hiccups like this one, provided both people are willing and able to negotiate the rough patches.

 

Omei, I think what you're experiencing re the 'communication' when you're online is to be expected in a LDR, especially one that's been going for a few years. Have a chat with your bf when he visits and make plans for dealing with those 'not much to say' times.

 

I have a great relationship with my SO and although we can talk for hours, we sometimes fall silent on skype. We just smile at each other and he'll joke that he's 'dry', but the truth is we talk much more than most couples do IRL so it's no wonder that we reach a dead end sometimes. It's not a sign that anything is wrong so try not worry so much about it.

 

Apart from playing games, maybe you could read magazine articles and discuss them, or talk about current affairs. When we're in a silly mood, my SO other and I will do relationship quizzes which, although good for a laugh, can often help us to learn useful things about each other and that never hurt any relationship.

[Els]

 

Elswyth you may be right about the prolonged distance we're getting through our 3rd year now, visit's month's apart, there's still another 2-3 year's to get passed, we get along very well and we're still very much in love, there's no lack of contact but more of a lack of communication during contact, tonight we downloaded a new game I convinced him to play with me we had a great time it's been a while since we played a game together and it made us talk a bunch

 

Yes, new games always help! I frankly find it MUCH easier and more natural to find topics to talk about IRL.. based on that guy you both just saw while eating together, or spurred by an action, etc. Also, even when not talking IRL, the space can be filled in so many other ways, so you don't feel so disconnected. It's different at the beginning of a relationship online (first year or so) because you're just getting to know a person and there's so many new things to talk about. To be honest, if the bf and I ever went LD again at this stage, I really don't think we'd be able to chat for hours and hours online anymore. I don't think that means there's anything wrong with us fundamentally.

[Omei]

Apart from playing games, maybe you could read magazine articles and discuss them, or talk about current affairs. When we're in a silly mood, my SO other and I will do relationship quizzes which, although good for a laugh, can often help us to learn useful things about each other and that never hurt any relationship.

 

Thank's little tiger, what you have there is a great idea, he DOES read articles all the time but the guy is a brainiac hell talk about molecules and therorys and a whole wack of stuff im just lost on lol, Sometimes we talk about a normal articale maybe I can try to actually go off and find an articale of interest.

 

Maybe we can read the same book.

[HeavenOrHell]

Agreed! I'm finding Tokyogal's posts ignorant as she is not listening to what the OP is saying. I think it's totally reasonable to be upset that he's spending THEIR spending money on booze, I'd be annoyed if he was spending it on ANYthing other than our trip unless it was on health costs or something important, she is paying for his flight, so surely he should be helping with spending costs during his trip.

It's good he's realised it was a mistake, Omei I hope your time together is going well.

 

 

Why do you keep insisting she's pissed because she secretly doesn't want him having fun with his friends??? She already SAID she is going to have to pay for both of their expenditures when he is here because of his actions. Yes, she could refuse to do so (and thus the visit wouldn't happen), and she is unhappy about the lack of online contact, but that doesn't automatically mean she is resenting him spending the money BECAUSE he is having fun with his friends - they are two separate issues. Are you some sort of clairvoyant, that you can know what is going on in the OP's mind better than the OP herself?

 

OP, as for your online contact, I find that happens with prolonged long distance for me. It usually gets better after a visit though. I would just stop thinking about it and see what happens after the visit.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

i am not being ignorant, i don't think you are trying to all look at things both ways. ignorance is not seeing things on both sides.

 

the guy is 20 years old, for goodness sake. haven't you guys been young once and partied ever? like i said, if the OP finds his actions irresponsible and not suited for her, then it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. of course, she won't listen to that so i don't have any advice for her anymore.

[Els]

i am not being ignorant, i don't think you are trying to all look at things both ways. ignorance is not seeing things on both sides.

 

the guy is 20 years old, for goodness sake. haven't you guys been young once and partied ever? like i said, if the OP finds his actions irresponsible and not suited for her, then it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. of course, she won't listen to that so i don't have any advice for her anymore.

 

Or... instead of re-evaluating the relationship she could talk about it with him, or forgive it as a singular incident of selfishness, or...?

 

Do you 're-evaluate' your relationship every time your partner does ONE thing that you dislike?

[TokyoG33kyGal]

why are you guys turning this on me again? i am not the one who has a problem. the OP.

 

first of all, i won't give something or pay for anything if it is against my will. if i am gonna take it away from him just to show i am in control, isn't that being immature?

 

if you looked at my first post, i did ask her questions that she can discuss with her SO. but instead she answered with rage.

 

second, i won't be getting into any relationship in the first place if we don't see each other eye to eye. i won't push something that is obviously not working for me. it doesn't mean you have to be a martyr just because you are in a long distance relationship.

[LittleTiger]

TokyoGal, what some people are trying to say is that relationships aren't perfect. The types of problems which come up in LDRs are not always specific to LDRs, they are often applicable to normal close contact relationships too.

 

You may say that you won't get involved with someone if you don't see eye to eye and that's great. However, you will not see eye to eye with anybody all of the time - that's just not possible.

 

You can be in a relationship with a wonderful person who is right for you in every way and who you generally get on with 'like a house on fire' BUT sometimes that person will almost certainly annoy you, upset you, irritate you, make you sad or angry, be immature or even childish, disagree with your POV ....... etc etc etc. Hopefully not all of those things of course, but thats what being in a relationship (any relationship) is like, that's what human beings are like. None of us is perfect and nobody has a perfect relationship.

 

So what people are saying to you is that you're a little quick to suggest someone jumps ship when their relationship is going through a rough patch. We all have them. If you don't, then you're either very lucky or you're just burying your head in the sand. Relationships are not a 'bed of roses', at least not all the time, and if you think they are, or should be, then you're just kidding yourself.

 

People come here asking for advice on how to deal with a particular situation, circumstance or event within their relationship. It's impossible for any of us to know everything that's going on 'behind the scenes' and the OP (and others) will get upset if you try and guess the stuff you don't know about.

 

None of us know the details of Omei's relationship, other than what she has chosen to share with us. At the moment she is struggling with some issues and she needs support. What she doesn't need is someone telling her that her boyfriend is immature and she should break up with him if she doesn't like it. That sort of 'advice' just isn't helpful.

 

My SO is also very immature at times, despite being 45, and at times he makes my blood boil, do you think I should split up with him too? I would certainly hope not, because he's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

 

Nobody is trying to turn anything on you, they are just asking you to be a little more open minded and to try and see things from the OPs POV rather than your own.

[Els]

I completely agree, LT. If it were as simple as breaking up with someone whenever they do something that we disagree with, this board need not exist, because every thread could be answered with, 'Break up with him/her!'. Also, everyone would be single.

[creighton0123]

i know his birthday was on the 5th. geez...go cancel the ticket if that's what you wanna hear

 

It kind of sounds like both of them are being either irresponsible or irrational.

 

If he ends up spending too much to celebrate his birthday and go out with a few friends, what harm is there in having some quiet time together when he comes down only able to eat ramen and take out?

 

His trip down could cost $300 or it could cost $30 (after travel costs). I'm kind of wondering where the problem is....

[TokyoG33kyGal]

However, you will not see eye to eye with anybody all of the time - that's just not possible.

 

i agree with that but what i mean is the MAJOR things, you should be able to see each other eye to eye. is being responsible a major thing for the OP? is it not? she is 24 as opposed to the guy who is 20 (just starting his life to commit mistakes). their priorities might be different and his immaturity stems from his age and lack of experience. i am not saying the guy is excused from his behavior. however, we should look on our actions as well. again -- there are two sides of the story.

 

What she doesn't need is someone telling her that her boyfriend is immature and she should break up with him if she doesn't like it. That sort of 'advice' just isn't helpful.

 

okay, her bf is mature and she should not break up with him. does that solve her problem?

 

plus she's begging for that answer anyway -- that she is right and he is irresponsible. that's what this is all about, validation.

 

It kind of sounds like both of them are being either irresponsible or irrational.

 

If he ends up spending too much to celebrate his birthday and go out with a few friends, what harm is there in having some quiet time together when he comes down only able to eat ramen and take out?

 

His trip down could cost $300 or it could cost $30 (after travel costs). I'm kind of wondering where the problem is....

 

that was what i was saying. which led me to think that she's pissed off that he's having fun while she's working and spending money on him. i would be pissed too if that guy is already my husband or a live-in partner. because in that sense we already have a shared responsibility.

 

the guy is 20 and still studying, so let's take into account that he:

 

- wants to experience being young

- would still commit mistakes due to his immaturity

- cannot have that much money since he's still studying

 

what are the OP's expectations?

 

does she

 

- want to work LDR by continuing to finance the relationship (since she's the one who has a job)

- see this relationship as a long term and eventually get married with this guy (in this case she needs to take account how much time he needs to finish school, find a job, work on his dreams and goals plus take into account his sense of responsibility to have a family)

 

can't you guys see the bigger picture?

 

personally, i would like my guy to be able to take me out sometimes so my criteria of dating won't include students. so from there i have eliminated the possibility of facing this problem.

 

i think that eventually this relationship will not work, unless the OP embrace the fact that her bf is still young thus she needs him to make mistakes on his own and learn from it rather than telling him what to do.

 

funny how people say i like to read minds yet they do happen to know what the OP thinks as well by justifying the behavior. let's all baby each other!

Edited March 16, 2011 by TokyoG33kyGal

[Els]

Uh, no. I based my advice solely on the OP's words. Her words are that this is a one-time thing, she understands that her guy makes mistakes, and she is willing to let that go. Unless this crops up again, I see no point in trying to make her feel insecure.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

well that's how we differ, you listen only to one side and disregard the other

[Els]

Where are you getting your information of the 'other side'? Supernatural premonitions? Her SO talks to you in your dreams?

[LittleTiger]

Where are you getting your information of the 'other side'? Supernatural premonitions? Her SO talks to you in your dreams?

 

I have to admit, I was wondering the same thing myself!

[Omei]

 

okay, her bf is mature and she should not break up with him. does that solve her problem?

 

plus she's begging for that answer anyway -- that she is right and he is irresponsible. that's what this is all about, validation.

 

 

 

 

How am I begging for that answer? I have said many times I will not re-evaluate my entire relationship with this person because they made a mistake.

 

This problem was about an agreement, an agreement he wasn't holding up to and that's it.

 

I notice when you read post's you seem to skim them give a reply based on what you *sorta read* and then try to actually understand it later.

 

While I do take his age into consideration many times and let things fly it can't always be the case and sometimes I do get upset to me this is a very serious, long lasting, going into it for the long run as equals relationship.

 

And thank you LittleTiger you're very wise and understanding.

 

Btw my trip's going excellent, he DID manage to get the money back he spent before he came, in fact more, I was extremely surprised he managed that! and very grateful.

 

He even showed up here with a silver necklace. He pretty much blew all my concerns out of the water with fixing everything so quickly, 3 More night's left it's going so fast!

[Els]

I am very glad to hear that. Not to be a wet blanket, but I do think you should take this as a lesson that you need to chill a little. See, you were so worried about the money issue before he came, and he not only managed to settle it, but there was no bad consequences from him staying out late before his flight too!

[heartshaped]

I was wondering how your trip was going, OP. So glad to hear things are going good! Enjoy the time the two of you have left together!

[folieadeux]

Glad to hear your trip's going well and I'm hoping you can resolve your issues longterm.

 

Now stop posting here and enjoy the rest of your visit.

[HeavenOrHell]

So glad things are going well Omei!

[Omei]

I am very glad to hear that. Not to be a wet blanket, but I do think you should take this as a lesson that you need to chill a little. See, you were so worried about the money issue before he came, and he not only managed to settle it, but there was no bad consequences from him staying out late before his flight too!

 

Yeah I have took it as a lesson, im still surprised he fixed it, I underestimated him greatly.

[HeavenOrHell]

I see you doing a lot of this, listening to only one side and disregarding the other.

 

 

well that's how we differ, you listen only to one side and disregard the other

[Omei]

So he just left now and im really sad for some reason this goodbye was really hard, we spent a lot of our time laying in bed talking about our plans together, about the future we have before but we really went into depth, he spent so much time with my daughter it wasn't the first time but I could see how close he's getting to her and me and I couldn't go with him to the airport I had to say goodbye at the cab (we thought it best to save money and be less upsetting for my daughter) this goodbye was hard, I could even see him crying as he left and quickly rubbed his eyes so I wouldn't tell, and he never cries, I miss him already I only have to wait 2 months and he'll spend 3 months here in the summer!!!

[folieadeux]

Glad your trip turned out great Omei. I find that saying goodbye actually does get worse and worse as time goes by; it's something you never really ever get used to doing.

 

Ah, three months together. That will be SO worth the wait. If I had that long with my boyfriend, there's no way I'd go back home.