Crazy Magnet Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I've been reflecting a lot on my dating strategies of past and how I going to approach this next venture into finding a relationship. (The point of a break up is to grow, right?) In the past, if there wasn't a large amount of physical attraction from my side for the guy I would keep looking. I'm also interested in smart, funny, motivated, snugglie, etc. BUT I want all those things AND I want to have urges to rip the guys clothes off. I've been rethinking this strategy. I know the very recent ex has always dated for personality rather than looks whereas I have gone for the total package. (Yes, I want it all!!) I was wondering how many people held out for the total package? How many LSers gave people a shot when they didn't find the person completely unattractive and then as they got to know them/fell in love began to find that person attractive? I ran across someone who's personality was really great but looks wise I'd put them at a 5.5 or 6 on my scale of hot. It's not terrible, but it's not great either.
tigressA Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I used to not hold out for the total package. One guy who I was iffy on for awhile I fell for and we were together for almost 2 years, my longest relationship--but I cheated on him less than a year after we got together. In my most recent multi-dating venture I was holding out; I came across a couple of prospects who could've been the total package but they faded out. Not long after I decided to take a break from dating, I met my current BF and he's all that I could want. IME, holding out for the total package is best. In a way, getting that is like winning a prize--it's rare, and valuable, so there's more incentive to hold onto it. It's high risk/high reward.
paleblue Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 ive tried to date less than the total package and always came up short. so now i wait and i date and i go crazy looking for someone that ignites my romance furnace but its worth it
SteveC80 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 STandards are fine as long as you can get what you want otherwise you might have to revise them Most average couples are not head over heels over each other from a physical standpoint they just tolerate their partner from a physical standpoint
Alma Mobley Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I tried that and it didn't work out for me. I found it hard to have sex with the person. I decided to wait for the total package and found him!
xpaperxcutx Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 If I am looking for someone to date right now, I think I would date in hindsight. That is, I will avoid all the behaviour and red flags that were present in past dates and avoid them in future dates. I certainly would not want to date my ex again.
TouchedByViolet Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I am pessimistic about this. IME, I have had women tell me I have a great personality, am a good person, and some are surprised to learn I am single but they show no interest in me Having said that, I think a person CAN change who they are attracted to and what qualities matter to them (to a certain degree). Maybe try viewing this 6/10 looking guy through a different perspective, or with a different background or maybe in an environment that he will shine in. Just some ideas
Imajerk17 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I think right now, you would be better off giving yourself time to grieve/heal, honestly.
Celestine Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I'm in a similar situation. I got to know a guy who's really funny, smart, caring, has his goals set in life. He is honest with me, I don't have to take a guess at what he wants from me, because he's speaking what's on his mind. All in all he's just really a nice guy. I'm just not so physically attracted to him, I mean, he's not ugly or something, it's just he's not "my type"(even though I wouldn't know how to describe what would define "my type"). Bottom line, I decided to give this guy a chance and see where it leads me. I just have to keep reminding myself to be honest with him. I doesn't deserve me playing a game with him. I think it's always good to give a person time to show you their personality because it also changes the way you think about thier looks. Physical attraction at the first sight doesn't really mean too much in the end. I don't believe in love at first sight and stuff like that. So what I like to do is, maybe go on a couple of dates and see what feelings I develop. As long as you don't lead the other person on and pretend that they are the love of your life, you can have a great time and maybe it will develop into something or not. Just be honest.
Phateless Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I've been reflecting a lot on my dating strategies of past and how I going to approach this next venture into finding a relationship. (The point of a break up is to grow, right?) In the past, if there wasn't a large amount of physical attraction from my side for the guy I would keep looking. I'm also interested in smart, funny, motivated, snugglie, etc. BUT I want all those things AND I want to have urges to rip the guys clothes off. I've been rethinking this strategy. I know the very recent ex has always dated for personality rather than looks whereas I have gone for the total package. (Yes, I want it all!!) I was wondering how many people held out for the total package? How many LSers gave people a shot when they didn't find the person completely unattractive and then as they got to know them/fell in love began to find that person attractive? I ran across someone who's personality was really great but looks wise I'd put them at a 5.5 or 6 on my scale of hot. It's not terrible, but it's not great either. In the past I settled despite red flags. I can tell you from experience that if there isn't initial attraction, when things go bad the attraction wanes pretty fast. Don't settle. Hang out with him as friends a few times and if your feelings grow, they grow. If not, make sure he knows you're not interested.
Els Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 (edited) I personally have always found physical attraction to be something that can be developed, assuming other sorts of attraction is present (for instance, sheer hyperintelligence makes a guy HOT, to me). It's funny how love/infatuation works. Once it worms its way inside me through other means, I begin to find a guy physically attractive in SOME way, although if you asked me to rate his looks objectively I would give him a 5 or even less. I had that once, with an ex. In fact, I would probably have objectively rated him a 3, but I eventually grew to love his smell, his skin, his eyes, etc, and that made me crave him physically as well. Then again, I must stress that hearing an exceptionally witty statement from a guy, or a demonstration of brilliance (solve Monty Hall in a snap of the fingers, ooh!) makes me want to tear his pants off, so I'm probably not the best person to ask. Current guy does it for me in both ways, and it's a nice little bonus to have instant physical attraction as well. But not necessary IMO. Edited March 10, 2011 by Elswyth
Imajerk17 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I think right now, you would be better off giving yourself time to grieve/heal, honestly. By that I mean, you just got out of a serious relationship; looking to get back into another one so soon isn't fair to either of you.
Celestine Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I personally have always found physical attraction to be something that can be developed, assuming other sorts of attraction is present (for instance, sheer hyperintelligence makes a guy HOT, to me). That's so true!! On the other hand, pure physical attraction doesn't give you anything, except for maybe a good(or disappointingly bad) one-night stand.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 By that I mean, you just got out of a serious relationship; looking to get back into another one so soon isn't fair to either of you. I'm certainly not getting into anything soon. I've got lots of self reflection left to do. The good news is I've got a couple of great girl friends who listen to me go on and on non-stop. I've even found an interesting connection with the girl exBF dated before me. We talk on the phone a lot and write to each other daily. She helps me get through another day. We are so similar and our experience with him was so similar it's creepy. Though I had never mentioned it on these boards, she validated what I've been thinking for nearly a year, that he likely has Aspergers. It doesn't make him a bad person, and in fact, he's got many good qualities. Unfortunately where he is in life is likely as far as he will go and I need an equal partner, not someone I have to take care of like a child. It's going to take a while for me to realize what is normal and not normal again after this. But back to the topic: Looks like the total package is what most people go for. I honestly didn't know what kind of answers to expect here but this helps me think about things. Last time I found myself single I didn't stop dating until I found the total package...he just turned out to not be what I personally needed. I don't think I've gone significantly downhill in the past 2 years so I don't expect dating will be a problem. Getting out there is the scary part!
notwhatIwanted Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I've been reflecting a lot on my dating strategies of past and how I going to approach this next venture into finding a relationship. (The point of a break up is to grow, right?) In the past, if there wasn't a large amount of physical attraction from my side for the guy I would keep looking. I'm also interested in smart, funny, motivated, snugglie, etc. BUT I want all those things AND I want to have urges to rip the guys clothes off. I've been rethinking this strategy. I know the very recent ex has always dated for personality rather than looks whereas I have gone for the total package. (Yes, I want it all!!) I was wondering how many people held out for the total package? How many LSers gave people a shot when they didn't find the person completely unattractive and then as they got to know them/fell in love began to find that person attractive? I ran across someone who's personality was really great but looks wise I'd put them at a 5.5 or 6 on my scale of hot. It's not terrible, but it's not great either. I dated a girl for 3.5 years once who I didn't find attractive at all.. the sex was decent.. but she was just a great, positive person and a lot of fun to hang out with and be around... I would rate her a 6 out 10 on my scale as far as looks / attraction. After I broke it off with her.. I met a girl about three months later that was an absolute 10 out of 10 on looks and attraction scale... she was independent and intelligent... just not very affectionate... however teh sex was also 10 out of 10... We ended up getting married... had three beautiful daughters... and just last month I found out she had been having an affair and even having sex with another man in my home. So basically... what I am saying is.. looks and attraction really do not mean anything... because that really nice, not as attractive girl probably would not have ever cheated on me. The hot girl had some stress in her life.. didn't feel she was getting what she needed from me.. and very easily caught the attention of another man.. jumped in bed with him.. and she now claims to be "In love" with him.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 I dated a girl for 3.5 years once who I didn't find attractive at all.. the sex was decent.. but she was just a great, positive person and a lot of fun to hang out with and be around... I would rate her a 6 out 10 on my scale as far as looks / attraction. After I broke it off with her.. I met a girl about three months later that was an absolute 10 out of 10 on looks and attraction scale... she was independent and intelligent... just not very affectionate... however teh sex was also 10 out of 10... We ended up getting married... had three beautiful daughters... and just last month I found out she had been having an affair and even having sex with another man in my home. So basically... what I am saying is.. looks and attraction really do not mean anything... because that really nice, not as attractive girl probably would not have ever cheated on me. The hot girl had some stress in her life.. didn't feel she was getting what she needed from me.. and very easily caught the attention of another man.. jumped in bed with him.. and she now claims to be "In love" with him. The least attractive guy I ever dated (my exH) cheated on me the entire relationship! I can never tell if I find him the least attractive b/c he truly was or b/c I realized what a *&^%$%^& he was and now he's nothing but nasty in my eyes.
Arasae Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I found the whole package on a dating website once. He was tall. He was dark. He was handsome. He had muscles. He had eyes like velvet, a strong chiseled jaw, the perfect shadow beard around his perfect lips. He was intelligent, read books constantly, was musically inclined, believed in integrity and loyalty (he even had a tattoo that said "integrity always" on his arm). He had a stable, well-paying job. 4.0 College student. Basically book-perfect. It turned out that Mr. Perfect-On-Paper was the most judgmental person I'd ever encountered (and hyper-hypocritical about it), didn't have a clue what integrity actually meant, couldn't have been more passive aggressive, didn't respect anyone's feelings but his own, and loved himself more than he'll ever love anyone else. He presented himself so well, seemed so together, was super smart, read so many books, and was so darned pretty that I made excuses for his borderline-awful behavior. Now, consider the man I'm currently dating: had I stumbled across his profile on a dating website, I wouldn't have messaged him. Why? He's fit and runs four or five times a week, but he's not covered from head-to-toe with muscle. He has beautiful eyes, but his nose is a little crooked. He has a great smile, but his lips are a bit on the small side. Because he didn't fit my pretty-boy "ideal," it's unlikely anything would have happened had this started online. Because I met him in real life, I discovered that I LOVED the way he smells. Because we met in real life, I LOVE the way he speaks. Thank God we didn't meet online;I LOVE the way he looks me in the eye when he's listening. All of that was incredibly sexy--but there were times in the first few months where I wasn't sure about my attraction to him. Nearly nine months later, I am attracted to everything about him physically. When you really fall in love with someone, the stuff that shouldn't matter doesn't anymore. My advice: Pick your top two or three qualities, and keep an open mind about the rest. Mine were/are "Pretty eyes, physically takes care of himself, and taller than 5'6". Then, figure out what's mentally most important to you--integrity, honesty, and intelligence will go a lot farther than a totally perfect face/ideal 6'3 height. Give guys who aren't physically "beautiful" in your eyes (initially) a chance, go on a few dates (not just one!), because you might just discover a diamond in the rough. And then you might discover that all the things that seemed like "imperfections" initially are endearing, totally sexy, and adorable.
PJKino Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Most women seem to be only really hot for guys who are 9's and 10's
New Again Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 How many LSers gave people a shot when they didn't find the person completely unattractive and then as they got to know them/fell in love began to find that person attractive? I ran across someone who's personality was really great but looks wise I'd put them at a 5.5 or 6 on my scale of hot. It's not terrible, but it's not great either. Attraction usually comes more slowly for me, based more on personality. Only twice have I been instantly attracted to someone. The first was a very passionate relationship that did not end well, and the second I put up with more crap than I should have. You could always give the guy a shot, but I lean towards thinking that it's a personality thing - if you're someone who dates people you're initially attracted to it might not work out that you'll develop an attraction later on.
Cee Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Early attraction for me is not a good sign of compatibility. One guy I was bonkers for in the looks department treated me horribly. With my current boyfriend, I liked his looks but wasn't bowled over. But during the dating process, this guy revealed to be a major catch. His beauty has been revealed like a veil lifted from my eyes. I think his most special qualities are his intelligence and perceptiveness. He knows what to say and do before I know it. It shows up a lot in bed when I say, "I don't think X will work" and he's right - it inevitably does. Gah, I can't wait to see him tonight.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 I'm not looking for Mr. Adonis, I'm looking for attractive to ME. It's not like the last guy had a 6 pack, worked out, or had the dark and handsome thing going on. To me he was insanely hot, even with the lack of a defined physique. I pulled my head out of my butt and made a profile on match. There were plenty of guys I found attractive who were also highly educated, could put together a sentence, had a sense of humor (in writing) etc. Half my problem is I've gone into panic "oh no I'm going to end up alone" mode and that's just nuts on my part. There WILL be someone else out there for me when the time is right. I will find them attractive and I will like their personality. Otherwise I'm going to keep looking. I rather be alone than end up in a good enough relationship. How would that be fair to the guy?
Cee Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I wouldn't worry about not finding a man you are attracted to. There are so many of them out there. OK Cupid was awash in cuties. And Match too. However, it's hard to find mutual attraction and compatibility. And both wanting a LTR. That combo seemed like the Holy Grail. That's why I quit the online dating thing. I was tired of having my chain yanked by handsome faces across a table. You are right about timing. When I was completely ready for a LTR, like magic, a good man appeared.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 I wouldn't worry about not finding a man you are attracted to. There are so many of them out there. OK Cupid was awash in cuties. And Match too. However, it's hard to find mutual attraction and compatibility. And both wanting a LTR. That combo seemed like the Holy Grail. That's why I quit the online dating thing. I was tired of having my chain yanked by handsome faces across a table. You are right about timing. When I was completely ready for a LTR, like magic, a good man appeared. Around here match is known for being the hook-up and serial dater website. Not that I'm looking for either, but I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect to latch onto right now either. At worst I'll have some dates and meet some people. At best I'll have some dates, meet some people, and somebody will light my fire, like me back, and want an LTR. I won't know until I try. I guess it's time to launch another multi-dating thread.
AD1980 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Dont settle its not fair to you or the other person..Attraction is either there or its not.. I never get women but i still wont settle for somebody im kind of ehh on..just wouldnt work for me
Kamille Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Back when I was single, I dated a guys who I found interesting, but for whom I did not feel that initial strong attraction. In some cases it developed (as with ex), in others it did not. I'm usually like New Again, where it takes me awhile to feel attraction for someone. Usually. The one major exception is current bf. I literally saw him across the room and felt strongly attracted to him. It's wonderful and the attraction I feel towards him continues to be strong, but I don't think there's any reason to hold out for the "whole package". After all, my initial attraction to him was purely physical, before I even knew if our personalities were compatible. Another thing I would caution against is "pity dating". If you date someone you don't really feel physical attraction for, remind yourself that someone else will likely think that person is the hottest thing since sliced bread. In other words, I recommend only dating when you see potential and for as long as you think attraction could develop.
Recommended Posts