LonelyHusband Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Let me start by giving a bit of background. My wife and I have been married for 4 years, and been together for 7. It started as a high school sweet-heart thing, then went through the military (me) with a long-distance relationship and we finally settled down for the passed 2 and a half years. We have been a happily married couple. I.E. we fight about once every 6-9 months usually over something stupid, then we don't talk to each other for a day to cool off and are fine afterwards. We started out as good friends and it has just been great ever since. No kids, both of us going to school and working full-time jobs. This new year, actually the Jan. 1st... she woke up to me coming home as I work the graveyard shift. She said she was "numb" and unhappy and had been for some time. How long? She said it felt like years, but I doubt it has been that long. She is great, but she is also has a very impulsive personality. After that she shut down and would not speak to me about the issue. I could talk to her, but I got tears and silence in return. After three weeks of me probably smothering her and making it worse because I did not know what to do she said "she needed space to figure herself out." She moved out a week later when one of her good friends had a room open up at her place. Now it is a week into march, I have seen her twice and talk to her twice on the phone besides random e-mails concerning financial issues and how we are working them out. The first time I broke down and composed a nice letter telling her how I really felt. She came over and discussed them, I again got tears and silence where she said she was numb. She did let hint that there was more than just her there, it was me as well. A week ago, we got into a fight of sorts. You see, I have been an emotional wreck since she left. I have had bad things happen to me all my life, and I am always the guy you fall back on... well, I really lost it. Little sleep, little to eat, basically went to work and stayed on the couch feeling horrible for myself. After 2 weeks of that, I picked myself up, cleaned up and did the best I could though still felt horrible. This is when our fight occurred because that self-pitying had turned to a bit of rage. We both got upset on the phone and decided to meet and talk it out. She said it was a lot me, and a lot her. She said 50% of her wanted to stay 50% just wanted to be done with it because she was at her wits end. After we talked we came up with a few things. She is always the nice person to everyone, and apparently including me. She has held off on her feelings for a long time because she did not want to hurt me. I was already hurting due to lots of things. Military = extreme insomnia and mild depression; needless to say I did not re-enlist when my time came. After a year in civilian loss, I got laid off (thats when the market hit rock bottom). Then my little brother of 14 committed suicide. In the passed 3 years 9 of my family members (extended family) has died. I am not listing it as an excuse for me being a bad husband, merely what happened. I because depressed, rarely been wanting to do a whole lot besides work. I was always tired or not in the mood. I put on a good bit of weight, neglected the house work a lot, not always, but a lot. Either way, it has not been a joy ride. I always thought I was just hurting myself, but apparently I was hurting her too... that why she never wanted to hurt me any further. But she cannot stand it anymore, and I understand that. Something has needed to change for a while, for myself. Losing her, my only real love and support system, really opened my eyes to what I have become and it needs to change. But it is so extremely hard to do anything but fall further without her being here. I have told her this but I don't think she believes things will change. I will do anything for her... but more especially I will work my ass off for this marriage to work. Especially to for myself because I have felt bad for a long time. Not having her around and actually leaving her alone is incredibly hard. It is probably me being weak, but the longer she is away the more resentment builds up. I feel like I was a bad husband now that I look back on it... but she never let me know. She never told me anything until she left. She enabled the situation and did not give me a chance to correct it. I am sure I can fix it, or at least try my hardest so I would not feel so bad it if did not work. But she won't talk to me to tell me if she is even going to try or if it over. And it is tearing me apart. Hence some of the resentment. The longer this goes, the more resentment will build until I will not want to be with her at all... and I don't want that to happen. But it slowly is. I just don't know what to do or what to say. I am extremely lonely most of the time, hate her for a little of it, then trying to do myself better the rest of it... but probably failing at all of it. I just don't know what to do or what is running through her head.
worldgonewrong Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 You NEED space from her, man. If she's this unhelpful to you, particularly since she has a bird's-eye view of what's gone down with you (e.g. the passing of your brother, for which I'm sorry), then you need to clear your own head without someone complicating things for you. You need unconditional love & simplicity right now, not b.s.
Author LonelyHusband Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 It is just so damn difficult. If we were to call it off, then maybe I would go through that process and be alright eventually. Or if we got back together, I could go through with what I needed to... But being in the middle with no control of the situation at all (other than breaking it off, which I still love her and don't want to) is nerve wrecking. I know I am not thinking straight a lot, and is one of the big reasons I have posted here. I know my best friend is pissed at her, but I am not sure if it is a legitimate reason or because he's always been my best friend. What I need is an outside perspective and advice from those who know a bit more than I do. I can give any additional information about the situation that is needed. All I have now is time, so any advice is welcome. Thank you all in advance.
notwhatIwanted Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 It is just so damn difficult. If we were to call it off, then maybe I would go through that process and be alright eventually. Or if we got back together, I could go through with what I needed to... But being in the middle with no control of the situation at all (other than breaking it off, which I still love her and don't want to) is nerve wrecking. I know I am not thinking straight a lot, and is one of the big reasons I have posted here. I know my best friend is pissed at her, but I am not sure if it is a legitimate reason or because he's always been my best friend. What I need is an outside perspective and advice from those who know a bit more than I do. I can give any additional information about the situation that is needed. All I have now is time, so any advice is welcome. Thank you all in advance. we have a similar situation... except my wife ran to the arms of another man.. and subsequently fell "in love".
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