loveagain Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 I have posed on here under marriage in the past. My situation seems to be almost infidelity at this point. My husband has detached emotionally and sexually from me due to being enthrawled in porn DVD's. He sleeps on the couch and we have not had sex for 6 weeks. he watches them several times a day and j-off. He has no sexual interest in me at all anymore. My mind is driving me crazy. From anger to "maybe we can work on this" thoughts. One minute I want to cover his 50 porns in corn oil.....the next minute I try to ignore the problem. I tried to talk to him about this but he wont. I wrote him a letter about how his actions made me feel as a women, but then he wouldnt talk to me for 3 days until I apoligized for writing the letter. I am having a horrible struggle in my head from anger, to self esteem issues, to distructive thoughts. can anyone help me sort this out and what I should do? he wont go to couceling at all. Help.
jnj express Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Unfortunately---the only thing at this point that will wake him up--is a VERY SERIOUS threat of divorce---the loss of his ease of life as he now knows it will change, and that probably will be the only think to wake him up---it is too bad you have to kick him hard in the pants to wake him up--but that is what it will take Don't cheat on him---if you can't stay with him then get your divorce and go forward from there
Phateless Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 It's pretty clear cut that it's time to leave this guy. Start by contacting a divorce lawyer, get all your ducks in a row and then come home and tell him you're going to leave him unless he goes to counseling with you. Then you have to mean it and be ready to follow through.
Author loveagain Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 it is just so hard because I do love him. This problem has been going on for several months but never to this extreeme. The hardest part is all the negative talk in my head and his unwillingness to care about my feelings. I just dont know how to fix this. Or how to fix me.
Author loveagain Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 thank you persephone1. He seems to have pulled away from everything emotional. he calls me a nag and a nazi for wanting him to stop giving all his sexual attention to the porn. Even told me to go back to my ex-husband. Very hurtful. How do i just go about my life? It seems that we have just become roomates. I want a husband, lover and partner in life.......not this yankin wankin to other women kind of husband. I am so confused as to what to do?
Spark1111 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I have posed on here under marriage in the past. My situation seems to be almost infidelity at this point. My husband has detached emotionally and sexually from me due to being enthrawled in porn DVD's. He sleeps on the couch and we have not had sex for 6 weeks. he watches them several times a day and j-off. He has no sexual interest in me at all anymore. My mind is driving me crazy. From anger to "maybe we can work on this" thoughts. One minute I want to cover his 50 porns in corn oil.....the next minute I try to ignore the problem. I tried to talk to him about this but he wont. I wrote him a letter about how his actions made me feel as a women, but then he wouldnt talk to me for 3 days until I apoligized for writing the letter. I am having a horrible struggle in my head from anger, to self esteem issues, to distructive thoughts. can anyone help me sort this out and what I should do? he wont go to couceling at all. Help. Your husband has a porn addiction. Some men cannot handle the viewing of porn images because it overstimulates a region of their primal limbic system. They, unlike many men, cannot view porn in moderation. It affects them like a drug. The more they view, the more they need to view, to get the same visual and sexual high from it. Here is the problem: It affects every area of their lives. They become cold, detached, insensitive, depressed, with all of their other relationships. It is a drug and an addiction. They also grow very, very angry at anyone who tries to separate them from their drug of choice. If he does become physically intimate with you, he will treat you with the detachment befitting a prostitute or a porn star...You will get nothing to make you feel loved, special or cherished. If he refuses to give up his porn drug, or go to counseling, you will live without emotional intimacy and physical intimacy, incrrasing anger and depression forever! If he won't get help, just like any other addict who's personality is changing into a hostile distant person, your choices are limited, whether you love him or not.
alexandria35 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I have posed on here under marriage in the past. My situation seems to be almost infidelity at this point. My husband has detached emotionally and sexually from me due to being enthrawled in porn DVD's. He sleeps on the couch and we have not had sex for 6 weeks. he watches them several times a day and j-off. He has no sexual interest in me at all anymore. My mind is driving me crazy. From anger to "maybe we can work on this" thoughts. One minute I want to cover his 50 porns in corn oil.....the next minute I try to ignore the problem. I tried to talk to him about this but he wont. I wrote him a letter about how his actions made me feel as a women, but then he wouldnt talk to me for 3 days until I apoligized for writing the letter. I am having a horrible struggle in my head from anger, to self esteem issues, to distructive thoughts. can anyone help me sort this out and what I should do? he wont go to couceling at all. Help. He probably does have an addiction but the bolded makes me think he is also a selfish manipulative ass! You had to apologize to him for telling him your feelings? I think you should tell him you want a divorce.
jnj express Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 You can talk, and think and plan, and do whatever till you are blue in the face---the only thing at this point that will work---is an immediate real threat. You can read on the various websites that deal with infidelity----the only time the cheater finally got around to waking up, was when they were threatened with divorce or something akin to that Why should your H. change his ways---he knows you arn't gonna do anything----so either do something or stop complaining If you don't wanna spend money on an atty. at this time---go down to the courthouse---buy a divorce packet--they cost around 10 bucks---bring it home and put it where your H. has to see it---Or even start filing it out!!!! He will react, and tell him either he once again becomes a proper H., or you are gonna get a D., and take half of everything ---and he can watch porn 24 hrs. a day as a single----Its time to get serious, try the bluff 1st, and go from there---but you need to do something!!!!!!!
Phateless Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 thank you persephone1. He seems to have pulled away from everything emotional. he calls me a nag and a nazi for wanting him to stop giving all his sexual attention to the porn. Even told me to go back to my ex-husband. Very hurtful. How do i just go about my life? It seems that we have just become roomates. I want a husband, lover and partner in life.......not this yankin wankin to other women kind of husband. I am so confused as to what to do? I feel for you. To be honest (and tough love) you know exactly what you are in for. From this point forward you are doing this to yourself by staying with him. If you want to feel good again you need to leave, the sooner the better. Our hearts are with you.
PollyIvy Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I don't know if I agree with the other posters... if the problem has only been going on for a few months, and acutely for 6 weeks, it seems a bit drastic to split up. I could only wish that my marriage problems were only a few months old! It sounds like he is totally shut down towards you. Has he been like this before? What do you think will pull him out of it? Is this your couple's dirty little secret, or do other people know about his problem? I would say it's definitely addictive behavior.
Phateless Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I don't know if I agree with the other posters... if the problem has only been going on for a few months, and acutely for 6 weeks, it seems a bit drastic to split up. I could only wish that my marriage problems were only a few months old! It sounds like he is totally shut down towards you. Has he been like this before? What do you think will pull him out of it? Is this your couple's dirty little secret, or do other people know about his problem? I would say it's definitely addictive behavior. On the other hand the very real threat of her leaving might be what it takes to get through to him.
YellowShark Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I don't know if I agree with the other posters... if the problem has only been going on for a few months, and acutely for 6 weeks, it seems a bit drastic to split up. It is a bit too early to pull the plug. No need to be so reactionary at this point. But you do have to read him the riot act... verbally, not on paper. Tell him what boundaries you are willing to accept, and which ones you are not. He definitely has become hooked and must speak to a therapist if he cannot stop cold turkey immediately .... that would show respect for your marriage. If he tries to turn it around on you and make it your fault, minimize, blamescape, show anger, he is gaslighting you so don't fall for it. Remain calm, firm, and resolute. Do not let him beat you down. He's simply reacting to your objections like a 5 year old who doesn't want his toys taken away. If he becomes unwilling to change this behaviour then ask him to go to a motel and take his porn with him. If this doesnt make him realize what's at stake then level 3 is talk to an attorney. Good luck.
Author loveagain Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 Well there has been a "tinie" bit of progress.......The other day when I got home from work we didn't talk. I asked him how his day was and he said "fine". then again we didnt talk. It finally swelled up in me and I told him that he had become so distant that we cannot even have a normal conversation anymore. I told him I felt he was emotionally detatched from me, that we no longer have anything in common, we dont sleep together...nothing.....not even sex. He started the "what do you mean" and "your crazy imagination" stuff on me. making exuses. I just said....please listen to what I am saying and take it to heart. Still no sex but at least he slept in the bed with me. I just dont know how to tackle the porn viewing without starting a fight. I am not a prude.....and not oposed to porn itself when couples use it in fun unless it has replaced me in the marriage......which I feel it has done. He only wants to look at it alone. I would love to just go home and break every dvd into pieces......but I guess he would just go online or buy more.
jnj express Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Loveagain---your H. is not gonna change his ways unless you force him to----you know your options---talk is cheap---action has to happen---so either do something to force him out of his porn addiction, or just continue to suffer---the choice is up to you---but please stop whining, about your situation, if you refuse to do nothing about it
Author loveagain Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 thanks JNJ express. I took your advice and made the ultimatum that it is me or the porn. He chose the porn. So I smashed them all over the street. Not he says he is going to kill me and my son. I will never know where or when I will be beaten to death and burried alive. Plan B anyone?
What_Next Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 He threatened you and your boy? Call the police and get the hell out of there NOW! That is not acceptable. Get a TRO taken out against him.
TigerCub Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 thanks JNJ express. I took your advice and made the ultimatum that it is me or the porn. He chose the porn. So I smashed them all over the street. Not he says he is going to kill me and my son. I will never know where or when I will be beaten to death and burried alive. Plan B anyone? So what happened after he threatened you? Are you 2 still at the same house? Did you call the police? There is no plan B - you call the police, file a report against him, kick his a$$ out and get advice on your next moves from the police and from a lawyer.
Author loveagain Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 this happened thursday. he made me apologize for breaking his stuff. then if I ever do it again he will kill me and my son and no one would ever find us. He blamed everything on me and threatened to call the cops on me since I was going crazy. He told me that I ruined everything and that he would move in a month. we are in a lease together and I cannot afford the house on my own. he also said he is no longer going to contribute one penny to the rent or expenses. this is just such a big mess. An he turns everything into my fault. Heck we could be living with 5 prostitues and that would be my fault. i am just tierd and emotionally worn out. Just trying to keep my job at this point and ignore what he does.
TigerCub Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 this happened thursday. he made me apologize for breaking his stuff. then if I ever do it again he will kill me and my son and no one would ever find us. Ok, I'm sorry loveagain. The first time you posted, I was very sympathetic and I was advising you to have some self respect and not put up with his crap. Now he "made" you apologize? What the hell does that mean? No one "makes" you do anything - you do what you do. I'm sorry, but I just really don't understand why you can't stand up for yourself. You LET him treat you like crap. You allow it. we are in a lease together and I cannot afford the house on my own. he also said he is no longer going to contribute one penny to the rent or expenses. Ok, I really don't get this part here. You say you can't afford to keep the house on your own (I'm assuming you wrote that in reply to my 'did you kick him out of the house' question) YET...He's going to stay there for a month AND not contribute to anything - so how are you any better off if you can't afford it on your own, doesn't that mean you STILL can't afford it with him living there and not contributing? It makes absolutely no sense to me....but I dunno, somehow you seem to think it works out better... this is just such a big mess. An he turns everything into my fault. Yeah, because you let him, by apologizing and admitting fault. i am just tierd and emotionally worn out. Just trying to keep my job at this point and ignore what he does. I understand that you're tired, and I'm sorry if I'm coming off harsh in my reply to you - but it really pisses me off to see how you allow him to treat you like a piece of trash and you still come up with flimsy excuses on why you're not kicking him out, why you're still putting up with it. I'm sorry, but at this point - you are responsible for what you're putting yourself through because you allow it to happen, you keep him there, you cater to him, you take his sh** and you're surprised that nothing changes..... No one deserves the type of humiliation / abuse you allow to happen to you. I hope that sooner than later you will get the strength to separate from him, if not for yourself, then at least for your son.
fltc Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 this happened thursday. He made me apologize for breaking his stuff. Then if i ever do it again he will kill me and my son and no one would ever find us. He blamed everything on me and threatened to call the cops on me since i was going crazy. He told me that i ruined everything and that he would move in a month. We are in a lease together and i cannot afford the house on my own. He also said he is no longer going to contribute one penny to the rent or expenses. This is just such a big mess. An he turns everything into my fault. Heck we could be living with 5 prostitues and that would be my fault. I am just tierd and emotionally worn out. Just trying to keep my job at this point and ignore what he does. get a lawyer! Now! Do not wait!
Silly_Girl Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 this happened thursday. he made me apologize for breaking his stuff. then if I ever do it again he will kill me and my son and no one would ever find us. He blamed everything on me and threatened to call the cops on me since I was going crazy. He told me that I ruined everything and that he would move in a month. we are in a lease together and I cannot afford the house on my own. he also said he is no longer going to contribute one penny to the rent or expenses. this is just such a big mess. An he turns everything into my fault. Heck we could be living with 5 prostitues and that would be my fault. i am just tierd and emotionally worn out. Just trying to keep my job at this point and ignore what he does. Love again. You are suffering needlessly my love. But I see that right now you are doing the very best you can, in the harshest of circumstances. I know that just getting through each day is generally the only objective you can acknowledge and work towards. I just want to offer you a bit of support. You're not alone, please remember that. We're just names on a screen, I know, but those of us who have suffered similar can be much more than that, if you need. Take care.
Chi townD Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Personally, I don't think that anything is wrong with porn and in some situations, it helps a marriage or relationship. Guys are very visual creatures and seeing an act like that performed would get the juices flowing (pardon the pun) and get him in the mood for some fun time! However, in your case, he has an addiction. This is not good. I agree with most on here. I would say leave. High and dry, he comes home from work to an empty house one day and him saying, "Damn, she was serious." I think that might wake him up. And open his eyes on how hurtful his addiction is.
carrie999 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I have posed on here under marriage in the past. My situation seems to be almost infidelity at this point. My husband has detached emotionally and sexually from me due to being enthrawled in porn DVD's. He sleeps on the couch and we have not had sex for 6 weeks. he watches them several times a day and j-off. He has no sexual interest in me at all anymore. My mind is driving me crazy. From anger to "maybe we can work on this" thoughts. One minute I want to cover his 50 porns in corn oil.....the next minute I try to ignore the problem. I tried to talk to him about this but he wont. I wrote him a letter about how his actions made me feel as a women, but then he wouldnt talk to me for 3 days until I apoligized for writing the letter. I am having a horrible struggle in my head from anger, to self esteem issues, to distructive thoughts. can anyone help me sort this out and what I should do? he wont go to couceling at all. Help. Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I wasn't married to the man, but I have been there. My ex was my best friend and I loved him dearly...he was my first serious boyfriend and we had been on and off for literally half our lives. We moved in together, and we expected this was it; we were very happy and worked well as a "real" adult couple. But our sex life was an issue even when we were younger. He was on an SSRI medication for depression, and struggled with arousal issues in the bedroom. That was true from the time he was 15 or so, and I knew that unless he stopped taking the medication, it was always an issue we'd have. I thought that knowing I understood him and that it wasn't his "fault," but that wasn't enough. I blamed myself, and him, and wondered if something was wrong with me. Mind you, at the time, I was working out constantly and had by any definition a "slammin'"body, so it wasn't my body that was the problem. So I thought it was my face, or something else about me...his lack of interest (and obvious devotion to porn) made me doubt myself in a way that nothing else ever did. What it comes down to is this: it's either a straightforward ego issue (difficult but something that is worth working on changing), it's a sex/porn addiction, which isn't fixable or worth fixing, IMO. Don't let him undermine your self worth.
BB07 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 The abuse you have suffered is the main issue hon, you really need to do whatever it is that you have to do to protect yourself and your son. He is an addict but that is no excuse for his threats and intimidation. Please keep you and your son safe and I'm sorry this has happened to you.
TigerCub Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 This post is very insensitive. Tigercub, you obviously have no idea what it means to be the wife of an addicted and abusive man. I don't think it was insensitive. I didn't mean for it to come out that way. I just got so mad FOR HER for putting up with so much crap. She comes up with any excuse not to leave this guy - you suggest she goes to a safe house. I suggested she leave him - what's the difference??! You suggest she takes her son into consideration. I did the same. How is your post any better?
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