spice4life Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Spice, you are there no doubt about it. I have noticed how you are all over here, helping, advising and supporting. Glad you are here!! You nailed it again Spice! Listen up Star. You know I will always be there to kick you in the fanny Thanks! If some of what I have learned on my journey can help others, I'm more than happy to help. Have a great day! I'm off to get YET another cell phone. My replacement isn't working either...they better give me a brand new one this time!
Flabbergaster Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 sometimes I wish my therapist would pop me on the head, but she is so accepting and tolerant that she would never do that. Ha ha. I know that's how she's supposed to be and that it's good, but, sometimes, I need a dose of objective reality. Tell her that this is how you feel? She might start asking some questions that help you bop yourself over the head. Such as..."what do you think would be an exmple of objective reality that you want or need to hear? Is it want, or is it need?"
myname Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I didn't meet my biological dad until I was in my mid-thirties. And that was because I made the effort to search him out. And yeah I sometimes have felt why didn't any man fight for me, to be with me, to have a relationship with me. Was I trying to make that happen, to rewrite history, by getting involved with a MM. I sure didn't manage it, just recreated the painful feelings of being not good enough, secondary, all over again. Feeling sorry for myself this evening.
spice4life Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I didn't meet my biological dad until I was in my mid-thirties. And that was because I made the effort to search him out. And yeah I sometimes have felt why didn't any man fight for me, to be with me, to have a relationship with me. Was I trying to make that happen, to rewrite history, by getting involved with a MM. I sure didn't manage it, just recreated the painful feelings of being not good enough, secondary, all over again. Feeling sorry for myself this evening. This is exactly what happens when there are unresolved issues with our fathers. The universe keeps sending the same lesson back to you again and again until you figure it out. The "MM lesson" is the universe hitting you over the head and saying, "Okay, maybe she will understand it after this one!" lol. Aww...cheer up myname. You are asking the right questions now, which means you are on the road to figuring it out. ((HUGS)) Better days are ahead.
myname Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 This is exactly what happens when there are unresolved issues with our fathers. The universe keeps sending the same lesson back to you again and again until you figure it out. The "MM lesson" is the universe hitting you over the head and saying, "Okay, maybe she will understand it after this one!" lol. Aww...cheer up myname. You are asking the right questions now, which means you are on the road to figuring it out. ((HUGS)) Better days are ahead. Thanks, feeling sorry for myself now, but in other ways I'm proud I found my dad, and he was so pleased to hear from me and to be able to try to build a relationship with me now. I just wish he'd been the one to make the effort sometimes, maybe I should tell him that. In so many ways I wish my past had been different so I wasn't here now, it's hard work having to overcome these things and feeling like it affects my relationships with men feels so unfair. I guess life is unfair.
Jonah Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 When I was 15, I bought my girl a gold pendant: obtuse triangle with 1 diamond on one side. It came with a thin chain. I remember it was pretty keen. It cost me $80. My dad found the receipt and gave me three levels of he**. "Never buy a girl jewelry again. Never never." I think that he could have explained that a bit better for me. My birds and bees explanation was just about sex. Nothing about how to be noble or anything at all about marriage. Are we supposed to just figure this stuff out listening to rock and roll? I missed the "leave it to beaver shows.." instead vying for "Gilligan's Island."
spice4life Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 When I was 15, I bought my girl a gold pendant: obtuse triangle with 1 diamond on one side. It came with a thin chain. I remember it was pretty keen. It cost me $80. My dad found the receipt and gave me three levels of he**. "Never buy a girl jewelry again. Never never." I think that he could have explained that a bit better for me. My birds and bees explanation was just about sex. Nothing about how to be noble or anything at all about marriage. Are we supposed to just figure this stuff out listening to rock and roll? I missed the "leave it to beaver shows.." instead vying for "Gilligan's Island." Why did your father tell you that? Did he ever provide an explanation? Unfortunately, some of us have to find out things the hard way. I took the time to explain to my kids what it is they should look for in a relationship because I had to figure that out all on my own. This is much needed information and if no one is giving you the open forum to seek advice and guidance then well... It comes down to having self esteem and knowing who you are and what you want. And not letting anyone try to make you feel badly for who you are. But again...sometimes it's a journey to get there.
BB07 Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Thanks spice for your kind words. As for telling my mother, naw.......I don't think I can or I should. I have previously vented some of the stuff about how I wish that she had done things differently back then and I've mentioned that I wish she had done more to protect me and my brothers but when I said this I also said that I knew she did the best she could at the time and it sounds contradictory but I do believe she did the best she could. It's a fine line if that makes sense. I can relate to what you said about your mother not being able to offer support, my mother is similar. She is a wonderful, kind, sweet lovely woman and the past is not something she wishes to dwell on. No therapy now but I had some many, many years ago. Take care hon! I hope this isn't a thread jack. If it is, please accept my many apologies Star_Bright. I just wanted to get these thoughts out before I lose them...lol. BB07, I've been thinking about you and wanted to add a few more things. Hopefully there will be something in it that will help or possibly add some insight on where to look. I felt very stuck when I first started therapy and have uncovered tons of "stuff" (yes, stuff is appropriate because that's what it is!) that contributed to the prison I found myself in. Are you in therapy? There will come a point during your healing where you will need to confront this issue and possibly disclose this to your mother. I don't know your circumstances and the relationship you have with her, so you are the best judge there. If you can't disclose it to her for some reason, there are other ways to handle it, like venting out all of your feelings in a letter, good, bad and ugly, but not sending it. In many letters if you have to! What is your relationship like with your mother? Is she emotionally available to you and someone you can go to for guidance and support? My mother is gone now and I miss her horribly, but when she was here, she was dealing her own emotional "stuff" and couldn't really handle emotional "stuff" from me. She would get upset and didn't know how to offer support and guidance. Don't get me wrong, she offered it many MANY others ways, she just couldn't deal with it one-on-one with me. So I wouldn't go and seek motherly advice from her because I didn't want to upset her. I dealt with those issues in therapy and that worked. I'm completely at peace with it now and see all of the wonderful things she did contribute to my life. The thing is, part of the hurt you experienced, from what your father did to you, has to do with not being protected. There may be some anger inside directed at your mother regarding that issue. And that is normal and those feelings are VERY valid, you just need to let them out so you can heal. This is very normal. We all regress during times of stress and as long as we know it, we can control how it effects our life. It happens even when we've healed a lot of our issues...the symptoms are not as strong though. Whenever I start to beat myself up and begin jumping to the negative, I stop and think about why I am doing that. It usually means I'm stressed about something, tired or not eating right, so I take some time to nurture myself to get my emotional strength back. Then it goes away. So if you recognize when you are starting regress, you can manage it by taking a break to rejuvenate your emotional reserves. It's good you're pissed off about it. You should be! You were violated as a child by the very person who should have been protecting you! That is the worst thing that can happen to a child! Use that anger to motivate you and start digging to find the how and why this "stuff" motivates your choices. Find out how it is connected to them and that will help you understand why it is effecting your life. It's like tracing a wire to it's source of energy. Once you see the source and how it is connected, you can begin healing and release it from your system. Anyway, these are just some thoughts. I hope it helps in some way. No worries, you WILL get to the bottom of this and begin to live the life you really want for yourself. I hope your feeling better, BB07.
spice4life Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Thanks spice for your kind words. As for telling my mother, naw.......I don't think I can or I should. I have previously vented some of the stuff about how I wish that she had done things differently back then and I've mentioned that I wish she had done more to protect me and my brothers but when I said this I also said that I knew she did the best she could at the time and it sounds contradictory but I do believe she did the best she could. It's a fine line if that makes sense. I can relate to what you said about your mother not being able to offer support, my mother is similar. She is a wonderful, kind, sweet lovely woman and the past is not something she wishes to dwell on. No therapy now but I had some many, many years ago. Take care hon! You are very welcome. Sorry if I got a little too detailed. It happens when I'm on a bit of a streak. Take care!
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