Daddy Issues

[Star_Bright]

So, I guess this is a rather personal topic to be posting out here in cyberspace, but, I've come to realize that I have major daddy issues (and mommy issues... I guess they're related). I have a very complicated and strange relationship with my dad. I feel like this has something to do with why I was attracted to exMM.

 

I know exMM and I had an unhealthy relationship and I know I want better. But I can't seem to get to "healthy." I'm in therapy and it really helps. I'm staying single/ just casually dating because I'm working/focusing on myself and I have a broken man-picker like some of us have talked about... and I don't want to repeat the same patterns. But I find myself missing exMM... it's like I know in my head it was bad for me, bad for everyone, but I am attracted to something about that kind of a relationship, I don't know why or how to fix it.

 

I want to stay positive and think eventually I'll find a great guy and I'll be a great healthy person and we'll have a great relationship. But I have fears about ever getting married and especially having kids. I don't think I'll ever have them because I feel like so many people are messed up, including me, and I don't want to mess anyone up. I don't feel like my father tried to mess me up, I'm sure he meant/means well, and I don't blame him for my bad decisions, but, I just want to be at a place where I'm not, I guess. A healthy place. And I don't know how to get there. Does it just take time? Like, will I eventually be attracted to good guys and be able to have a normal relationship? Or am I forever messed up? I have the tendency to over-analyze things and I don't mean to "look" for problems... I want to just be happy and have a happy life, but, it doesn't seem to happen. I guess I thrived on the drama I had with exMM even though it was bad... it distracted me from my normal life I guess.

 

I started this thread with the intent to ask everyone who is or has been an OW what your relationship (if any) with your father is like. Then I realized that could sound judgmental or like I'm saying there's something "wrong" with being an OW. I'm not saying that. I think that for me it was "wrong," in that it was a less than ideal relationship for me and unhealthy. Also, it goes against my values, in that I believe in "do no harm" or "do unto others" (not in a particular religion, just that general concept that's in all religions/ I'm more of a secular humanist), and yet, I was completely able to sleep with another woman's husband when I wouldn't want someone to sleep with my husband. (I know it's mainly the husband's fault, I'm just saying, I don't think I should have been apart of it). I was able to do something I "believe" is wrong. So I don't know what that means. That I have two identities or something. The one that can do all of that and the one that feels bad about it and regrets it now. I guess.

 

Anyway. I am going off topic. I guess I would like to hear from those of you who were OWs and who regret it, what your relationship with your dad was like if any and whether you think it had anything to do with your relationship with your dad? And how are you progressing now, are you able to have happy relationships and do you feel healthier, and how long did it take? Of course if current OWs want to discuss, or to say their relationship with their dad is just fine or they don't think daddy issues have anything to do with it, that's cool too. (Or if former OWs want to say that.) The point of my post is not to judge but to share and to learn. LS was very helpful for me when I was an OW and now I'm not but I guess I have lingering issues and so I'm trying to talk it out and still get help in this way.

[TigerCub]

So, I guess this is a rather personal topic to be posting out here in cyberspace, but, I've come to realize that I have major daddy issues (and mommy issues... I guess they're related). I have a very complicated and strange relationship with my dad. I feel like this has something to do with why I was attracted to exMM.

 

I know exMM and I had an unhealthy relationship and I know I want better. But I can't seem to get to "healthy." I'm in therapy and it really helps. I'm staying single/ just casually dating because I'm working/focusing on myself and I have a broken man-picker like some of us have talked about... and I don't want to repeat the same patterns. But I find myself missing exMM... it's like I know in my head it was bad for me, bad for everyone, but I am attracted to something about that kind of a relationship, I don't know why or how to fix it.

 

I want to stay positive and think eventually I'll find a great guy and I'll be a great healthy person and we'll have a great relationship. But I have fears about ever getting married and especially having kids. I don't think I'll ever have them because I feel like so many people are messed up, including me, and I don't want to mess anyone up. I don't feel like my father tried to mess me up, I'm sure he meant/means well, and I don't blame him for my bad decisions, but, I just want to be at a place where I'm not, I guess. A healthy place. And I don't know how to get there. Does it just take time? Like, will I eventually be attracted to good guys and be able to have a normal relationship? Or am I forever messed up? I have the tendency to over-analyze things and I don't mean to "look" for problems... I want to just be happy and have a happy life, but, it doesn't seem to happen. I guess I thrived on the drama I had with exMM even though it was bad... it distracted me from my normal life I guess.

 

I started this thread with the intent to ask everyone who is or has been an OW what your relationship (if any) with your father is like. Then I realized that could sound judgmental or like I'm saying there's something "wrong" with being an OW. I'm not saying that. I think that for me it was "wrong," in that it was a less than ideal relationship for me and unhealthy. Also, it goes against my values, in that I believe in "do no harm" or "do unto others" (not in a particular religion, just that general concept that's in all religions/ I'm more of a secular humanist), and yet, I was completely able to sleep with another woman's husband when I wouldn't want someone to sleep with my husband. (I know it's mainly the husband's fault, I'm just saying, I don't think I should have been apart of it). I was able to do something I "believe" is wrong. So I don't know what that means. That I have two identities or something. The one that can do all of that and the one that feels bad about it and regrets it now. I guess.

 

Anyway. I am going off topic. I guess I would like to hear from those of you who were OWs and who regret it, what your relationship with your dad was like if any and whether you think it had anything to do with your relationship with your dad? And how are you progressing now, are you able to have happy relationships and do you feel healthier, and how long did it take? Of course if current OWs want to discuss, or to say their relationship with their dad is just fine or they don't think daddy issues have anything to do with it, that's cool too. (Or if former OWs want to say that.) The point of my post is not to judge but to share and to learn. LS was very helpful for me when I was an OW and now I'm not but I guess I have lingering issues and so I'm trying to talk it out and still get help in this way.

 

Hey SB,

 

I think its great that you recognize your issues and that you went to therapy to deal with them.

 

I have been open on this forum about having daddy issues.

The A completely brought those out for me.

 

My R with my dad was weird too. He wasn't abusive or mean, but one of my sisters was a clear favorite and no matter how hard I tried to 'win' his affections and earn a place as high as hers, I never could - I completely realized that it was the same dynamic with xMM (I was competing with another female for his affections - well, to win Top Level, I guess) - it was so f'd up to really realize what was happening there.

 

Also, more f'd up is that my dad is dead - he's been gone for 6 years now, so I'll never truly get closure on all of that - but going to therapy has helped me a lot, and I was able to put so much of those issues to rest.

 

Now I know that if I get in a mode where I wonder "why can't he love me like I want' its the little girl in me that's talking - logically I know that it doesn't matter at all. I'm a good person and plenty of people love me, and I've learned to truly love myself.

 

As for the part in bold. I completely feel the same way.

I think that parents screw their kids up, one way or another, no matter how good their intentions are - there will always be something... I think its just the way it is.

 

I just don't want screwing someone up on my conscience. But maybe that line of thinking is an indication that I need more therapy - but I dunno, I thought that way for a long time....

 

who knows...

[Star_Bright]

Hey SB,

 

I think its great that you recognize your issues and that you went to therapy to deal with them.

 

I have been open on this forum about having daddy issues.

The A completely brought those out for me.

 

My R with my dad was weird too. He wasn't abusive or mean, but one of my sisters was a clear favorite and no matter how hard I tried to 'win' his affections and earn a place as high as hers, I never could - I completely realized that it was the same dynamic with xMM (I was competing with another female for his affections - well, to win Top Level, I guess) - it was so f'd up to really realize what was happening there.

 

Also, more f'd up is that my dad is dead - he's been gone for 6 years now, so I'll never truly get closure on all of that - but going to therapy has helped me a lot, and I was able to put so much of those issues to rest.

 

Now I know that if I get in a mode where I wonder "why can't he love me like I want' its the little girl in me that's talking - logically I know that it doesn't matter at all. I'm a good person and plenty of people love me, and I've learned to truly love myself.

 

As for the part in bold. I completely feel the same way.

I think that parents screw their kids up, one way or another, no matter how good their intentions are - there will always be something... I think its just the way it is.

 

I just don't want screwing someone up on my conscience. But maybe that line of thinking is an indication that I need more therapy - but I dunno, I thought that way for a long time....

 

who knows...

 

I could always relate so well to you Tiger!! Thanks for sharing.

 

When I was with exMM I don't even know if I truly wanted him to leave his wife. I think I found comfort in the NSA relationship. There was no fear or danger of being hurt maybe. I used to have thoughts like "well, he could just put me up as his mistress... I would be taken care of and could do what I wanted and I don't want to get married or have kids anyway." Is that f'ed up or what?! But then I would always want more of his time and love and commitment. My exMM was very f'ed up, we had a lot of the same issues, even though he was a lot older than me, and I think I was attracted to that in him, and vice versa. His wife is perfect. Just perfect. Yet that wasn't enough for him, he still wanted me in all my f'ed-up-ness. I am afraid I am just like him and can't change. That I can't be happy in a real, healthy relationship.

 

I guess getting out of the relationship with exMM was my first step but I still have a lot of steps to go. I feel like something allowed me to get there in the first place that I have to fight/change. People say "people make mistakes, pick yourself up and move on" and I try, but it's not that simple for me. Maybe I make mountains out of molehills. Maybe I'll just never be happy but at least overall I'm happier than when I was caught up in that stuff with exMM.

 

That is sad about your dad, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm grateful that my dad is still alive. I know some people have never even known their dad and I am glad that mine was there for me and in the picture. But it was such a conditional love. He had such high expectations of me and it was all about image. He wanted to project the perfect little family because he never had that himself. He was so overly freakishly religious and strict and a control freak. I could never be myself. I didn't even know who I was. I'm only now starting to find out who I am. I'm not trying to whine, I just realize all of this and think, wow, I'm f-ed up, how can I get over this. Growing up I tried to be his perfect little project but that wasn't good enough still, and then I totally rebelled and got disowned. (I didn't even do anything that bad but whatever. I was a saint in high school compared ot most kids. I just questioned the religion, then declared myself an atheist, then moved in with my boyfriend in college. All mortal sins in his book). After I broke up with said boyfriend he came back around and I would say we have had a comparatively "good" relationship for the last eight years or so. But in many ways it's overly close, and his relationship with my sister is overly (emotionally) close as well to the point of disturbing me, and he has no boundaries. In many ways he is still a kid looking for love and guidance, which is what I saw in my exMM too. Ugh. I wonder how we ever escape our pasts. I feel mired down in mine. His relationship with my mom is terribly horrible and that's a whole other can of worms.

 

Well, thanks for sharing, it helps to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. I don't want to escape into an affair with an MM ever again (or anything like that... I have done some other stupid stuff but that took the case) but it is scary to face it. I guess all I can do is keep facing it. Thanks for the support Tiger. And good luck with your own journey... it seems you are so much further along than I am, and I admire you!!!

[OWoman]

I had a problematic R with my mother, but my memories of my childhood R with my father are of hands-off benevolence.

[TigerCub]

I could always relate so well to you Tiger!! Thanks for sharing.

 

When I was with exMM I don't even know if I truly wanted him to leave his wife. I think I found comfort in the NSA relationship. There was no fear or danger of being hurt maybe. I used to have thoughts like "well, he could just put me up as his mistress... I would be taken care of and could do what I wanted and I don't want to get married or have kids anyway." Is that f'ed up or what?!

I don't think its that f'd up - you were telling yourself what you needed to in order to keep going in a situation that deep down you knew you shouldn't be in.

 

I can totally understand that - we all try to convince ourselves of one thing or another when our head & heart don't match.

 

But then I would always want more of his time and love and commitment. My exMM was very f'ed up, we had a lot of the same issues, even though he was a lot older than me, and I think I was attracted to that in him, and vice versa.

xMM had daddy issues of his own too. His dad abandoned him when he was a baby - so he never knew him, and I think xMM certainly has anger, trust, and abandonment issues as a result. It really is sad.

 

That part in bold - OMG!! I can so understand that.

I find myself really attracted to 'damaged' or 'broken' people - I think on some level its because I can relate to them. I see myself in them, I don't know for sure, but I totally get what you're saying.

 

xMM used to joke about how I have a lot of 'strays' (because I make friends with people, even if they have lots of issues) - he used to joke that he was one of my strays (hehe, I guess he was, neither one us really saw that till the end though)

 

 

I guess getting out of the relationship with exMM was my first step but I still have a lot of steps to go. I feel like something allowed me to get there in the first place that I have to fight/change. People say "people make mistakes, pick yourself up and move on" and I try, but it's not that simple for me. Maybe I make mountains out of molehills. Maybe I'll just never be happy but at least overall I'm happier than when I was caught up in that stuff with exMM.

You are making progress, its just not happening at the speed you'd like, but SB don't overlook all that you have accomplished.

Yes, people do make mistakes, but the smart ones learn from them and move on - and you're doing that.

 

You're also looking deeper into yourself and your past to understand yourself better and make peace with your past - that's not an easy task - I know from experience, and I'm not done all I have to do.

It is tough, but you're doing it.

 

Be very proud of yourself for that - you are so strong for facing your demons - most people are too afraid to take that step.

 

 

That is sad about your dad, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm grateful that my dad is still alive. I know some people have never even known their dad and I am glad that mine was there for me and in the picture. But it was such a conditional love. He had such high expectations of me and it was all about image. He wanted to project the perfect little family because he never had that himself. He was so overly freakishly religious and strict and a control freak. I could never be myself. I didn't even know who I was.

Thanks SB

 

WOW, its so amazing how alike we are and how our past is almost the same when it comes to that.

My dad was very much like yours, and I reacted exactly like you did...

 

I'm only now starting to find out who I am. I'm not trying to whine, I just realize all of this and think, wow, I'm f-ed up, how can I get over this. Growing up I tried to be his perfect little project but that wasn't good enough still, and then I totally rebelled and got disowned. (I didn't even do anything that bad but whatever. I was a saint in high school compared ot most kids. I just questioned the religion, then declared myself an atheist, then moved in with my boyfriend in college. All mortal sins in his book). After I broke up with said boyfriend he came back around and I would say we have had a comparatively "good" relationship for the last eight years or so. But in many ways it's overly close, and his relationship with my sister is overly (emotionally) close as well to the point of disturbing me, and he has no boundaries. In many ways he is still a kid looking for love and guidance, which is what I saw in my exMM too. Ugh. I wonder how we ever escape our pasts. I feel mired down in mine. His relationship with my mom is terribly horrible and that's a whole other can of worms.

 

My dad disowned my other (non favorite) sister for moving out.

He didn't care that I questioned religion - we had a few logical, calm discussions. I didn't fully become an atheist until after he passed.

 

You went through a lot, and I see that you walked a tough road, but one thing my therapist told me was when I get anxious about someone accepting me (in my case it was xMM at the time) - he told me to remember that the feelings of being anxious are ingrained in us at infancy - and then it matters because we need the attention and someone to look after us for survival.

 

But now, as an adult, he said that if I ever feel that way, I just need to remind myself that "I don't need him to survive, I'm capable on my own".

It makes sense, it seems kinda weird to have to remind yourself of something like that as an adult - but honestly it works.

 

 

Well, thanks for sharing, it helps to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. I don't want to escape into an affair with an MM ever again (or anything like that... I have done some other stupid stuff but that took the case) but it is scary to face it. I guess all I can do is keep facing it. Thanks for the support Tiger. And good luck with your own journey... it seems you are so much further along than I am, and I admire you!!!

Aaawww thanks SB

 

I think you're doing so incredibly well by your self examination and I see that you're learning from your mistakes.

 

You will get there, you're so strong.

 

I hope you keep on with it and find more peace with every step you take

[Star_Bright]

I don't think its that f'd up - you were telling yourself what you needed to in order to keep going in a situation that deep down you knew you shouldn't be in.

 

I can totally understand that - we all try to convince ourselves of one thing or another when our head & heart don't match.

 

I guess so. I want to get to the point where I think, and feel, that a "normal" healthy relationship is best. I guess I'm not there yet. I'm still cynical, I still see old patterns/attractions surfacing, and it makes me stay away from relationships, or, when I'm feeling especially cynical, I start to think, well, if it weren't for the morality of it, I would just go be a kept woman. Then I think, would I really be happy that way? Don't I deserve true love and my own relationship? I know objectively that I do but then I start to think, no, I'll just stay away from love and be on my own since being a mistress isn't an option because of my darn pesky "values" or at least my desire to want to live according to my values. Or maybe my "values" are just a cop-out because even if the wife were okay with her husband keeping a mistress (I think this is sometimes the case, or at least she looks away as long as the family stays together), I don't think I would do it, because deep down I do want the whole schabang, I just don't know how to get there.

 

xMM had daddy issues of his own too. His dad abandoned him when he was a baby - so he never knew him, and I think xMM certainly has anger, trust, and abandonment issues as a result. It really is sad.

 

Yeah my exMM had major daddy issues. His dad was cruel and abusive, to him and especially to his mom. He had to witness abuse in his home. His dad has had a "kept woman"/mistress for many many years... whom exMM found out about as a teenager and who is still there. It's sad because exMM said he didn't want to be like his father but in many ways he is. He wasn't physically abusive but he could be very very emotionally abusive. He would tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me and that I deserved more than to be an OW, but with his actions/non-actions, he showed that he preferred to have both: his wife and me, and many of his tendancies were like I was a kept woman, which I guess is what got me thinking maybe that wouldn't be so bad. He has a lot of money (that he earned all on his own, working his way up from pretty much nothing-- another way I could relate to him) and he loves to spend it and have fun. I never had to pay a cent for anything when I was with him. He didn't buy me extravagant gifts (ironically until I kept trying to break up with him, then he heaped it on), but it was more about spending time and having fun together. He took me on nice vacations (and he was separated and took me around town as if he didn't care who saw us, so it wasn't just to be out of town... he just liked to go on vacations, like me ha ha), he would pay for drinks for me and all my friends (and his friends ha ha), my meals, everything. Really it was a "cheap" form of love because of everything he wasn't giving me (which, again, looking back, I don't even know if I really wanted... I told myself I would rather be the spoiled mistress he had fun with than his wife who was being betrayed and hurt... the cynical side of me still feels that way and is afraid of ever being that wife), but I had never had anything like that and there was definitely an allure to it. I know he did it sub-consciously even like his father. It was what he knew and I wonder if we can ever break free from what we know. It's a really depressing thought.

 

Even when exMM was acting like a complete douchebag, totally being manipulative and controlling and selfish and even emotionally abusive, I couldn't hate him, because I knew who he was, I got him. And he got me, knew who I was in a way no one ever has. And I know it's because we are both f-ed up. Two f-ed up people finding comfort in each other, sometimes trying to help fix each other and sometimes just giving into that reckless abandonment that was there in both of us. It was crazy ugly and crazy beautiful. I could never hate him even though I know it wasn't right for me and he made it so damn hard to get out of. If anything I feel sorry for him. My therapist said that I should be glad because I can reconciling myself and he has never made it there and probably never will. I get her point but it also makes me feel very sad for him. I don't know if that is "love" -- knowing and accepting someone even for their really bad parts and not hating them even when you probably should... I think I have a messed up definition of "love" but to me this is the closest I've come.

 

 

That part in bold - OMG!! I can so understand that.

I find myself really attracted to 'damaged' or 'broken' people - I think on some level its because I can relate to them. I see myself in them, I don't know for sure, but I totally get what you're saying.

 

xMM used to joke about how I have a lot of 'strays' (because I make friends with people, even if they have lots of issues) - he used to joke that he was one of my strays (hehe, I guess he was, neither one us really saw that till the end though)

 

Yep, I can totally relate. I was just thinking today how most of my friends have "issues." And how I rarely see the ones who don't... I guess I'm not as attracted to them and don't want to spend as much time with them. I don't know how to break this cycle. I have recently cut out some friends that kept me down and were really bad influences. But the rest are like me... they have issues but are trying to work on them and I don't know if we help each other or hurt each other!!!

 

 

You are making progress, its just not happening at the speed you'd like, but SB don't overlook all that you have accomplished.

Yes, people do make mistakes, but the smart ones learn from them and move on - and you're doing that.

 

You're also looking deeper into yourself and your past to understand yourself better and make peace with your past - that's not an easy task - I know from experience, and I'm not done all I have to do.

It is tough, but you're doing it.

 

Be very proud of yourself for that - you are so strong for facing your demons - most people are too afraid to take that step.

 

Thank you for the pep talk. I needed it today and I guess that's why I posted. I know that everything you say is right, it's just that sometimes it's hard to realize it.

 

 

Thanks SB

 

WOW, its so amazing how alike we are and how our past is almost the same when it comes to that.

My dad was very much like yours, and I reacted exactly like you did...

 

 

 

My dad disowned my other (non favorite) sister for moving out.

He didn't care that I questioned religion - we had a few logical, calm discussions. I didn't fully become an atheist until after he passed.

 

You went through a lot, and I see that you walked a tough road, but one thing my therapist told me was when I get anxious about someone accepting me (in my case it was xMM at the time) - he told me to remember that the feelings of being anxious are ingrained in us at infancy - and then it matters because we need the attention and someone to look after us for survival.

 

But now, as an adult, he said that if I ever feel that way, I just need to remind myself that "I don't need him to survive, I'm capable on my own".

It makes sense, it seems kinda weird to have to remind yourself of something like that as an adult - but honestly it works.

 

 

Wow, maybe you are my sister?! Ha ha. She was definintely my dad's favorite daughter (although neither of us could come close to his very-favorite son lol). She is even more of a "pleaser" than I am and did everything for his approval. I became more of an open questioner/rebel and that sent him over the edge. But in many ways I am so much more like my dad (which scares me). Now that I'm older I think he realizes that and we are much "closer" but I don't know if that's healthy or not!!! It is so very complicated. I look back and think, well, at least I was honest. I didn't have a clue who I was, but I tried on all of these different identities and voiced all my doubts and thoughts... I didn't just give in and become exactly what he wanted (although in many ways I did, or I became the opposite of what he wanted... still in many ways it was based around him, not me.) I think that being an OW was in some ways about me trying on another identity. How about this one? Well, that didn't work but at least it made me take a deeper look into myself. At least as you say I'm working on myself and what else can I do?! That does make me feel better, so, thank you. I'm so glad you posted in my thread!!!

[silktricks]

OK, so I only read the 1st 2 posts.... (disclaimer)....

 

I don't know of anyone who doesn't have some kind of issues/baggage from their birth family. Speaking as a daughter, I know I have them - both father and mother issues. Speaking as a mother, I know my children have them - both father and mother issues.

 

I know my parents did the best they could do, and I know I did the best I could do. Doesn't stop the issues/baggage from happening, because NONE of us are perfect. We're not perfect children, we're not perfect parents. All we can do is the best we can do - and not blame either our parents or ourselves for the f-upedness of ourselves or our children

 

What's good is having the willingness to self-examine and take responsibility (yeah there's that phrase again ) for our own f-up selves. Once we're grown, we really can't say anymore that blankedy-blank wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for our mother or father. At some point we have to realize that we are now our own rudder and the captain of our own ship (bit of a mixed metaphor, but you know what I mean, I think). Being self-aware is IMO hugely important to resolving our issues.

[Flabbergaster]

xOW had major daddy issues. They divorced when she was young, it was BAD, she had practically no contact with him since preteen. Dated lots of bad boys. Was swayed by 'game' (not that I used it; I saw it used on her in bars and noticed she enjoyed the attention, played into game).

I've known a number of W that were in affairs (friends of mine), over the years. I think most of them came from homes where there was a messy divorce when they were btwn 9 and 17, where the mother had custody and things were Ugly between the parents.

I've also noticed that these women tended to either date 'bad boys' or 'older men,' whether an R or A. When dating an older man, these W _craved_ approval. That was a big thing I noticed about OW...she really needed my approval to validate herself.

 

Good for you, going to therapy! Want to get rid of love handles? go to gym. Want to get mind/emotions in shape? go to therapy.

I've known many W who learned to lust after 'good men' instead of the 'bad choices' they had always wanted before therapy.

[TigerCub]

OK, so I only read the 1st 2 posts.... (disclaimer)....

 

I don't know of anyone who doesn't have some kind of issues/baggage from their birth family. Speaking as a daughter, I know I have them - both father and mother issues. Speaking as a mother, I know my children have them - both father and mother issues.

 

I know my parents did the best they could do, and I know I did the best I could do. Doesn't stop the issues/baggage from happening, because NONE of us are perfect. We're not perfect children, we're not perfect parents. All we can do is the best we can do - and not blame either our parents or ourselves for the f-upedness of ourselves or our children

 

What's good is having the willingness to self-examine and take responsibility (yeah there's that phrase again ) for our own f-up selves. Once we're grown, we really can't say anymore that blankedy-blank wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for our mother or father. At some point we have to realize that we are now our own rudder and the captain of our own ship (bit of a mixed metaphor, but you know what I mean, I think). Being self-aware is IMO hugely important to resolving our issues.

 

I totally agree, we have to own our actions.

We're adults and we make our choices, and even when they're bad - we should learn from them, and move on without trying to blame anyone else for our own f**k ups.

 

I'm not blaming my father for my mistakes. I'm just saying that being in the A brought to the surface a lot of daddy issues that I've struggled to deal with in the past.

 

Realizing the similar dynamic between being an OW and being the neglected child (desperately trying to get approval) was what shocked me, and got me to a therapist.

 

That's all.

[noelle303]

Oh I had perfect parents! I mean.... of course there were problems when I was a teenager but they are wonderful, supportive, they are strict but not in a controlling way and have always been extremely loving.

 

My relationship with my dad has always been very close. Closer than with my mom. We did a lot of stuff together, hardly fought, he is extremely attached to me, would do anything for me and is very protective.

 

So I really don't know how my relationship with exMM came about but it certainly did not stem from my relationship with my parents

[desertIslandCactus]

As I grew up my father was angry, smoldering, short, pouting, explosive.

 

His attitude had nothing to do with the men I was actually attracted to.

 

However whether it had been my H .. or whoever, I don't think I would marry anyone of my father's disposition ..

 

(Moved out of the house as soon as I could. Then he mellowed some by the time I had my twins. They were never afraid of him, and let him know it. )

[silktricks]

I totally agree, we have to own our actions.

We're adults and we make our choices, and even when they're bad - we should learn from them, and move on without trying to blame anyone else for our own f**k ups.

 

I'm not blaming my father for my mistakes. I'm just saying that being in the A brought to the surface a lot of daddy issues that I've struggled to deal with in the past.

 

Realizing the similar dynamic between being an OW and being the neglected child (desperately trying to get approval) was what shocked me, and got me to a therapist.

 

That's all.

 

I didn't get that either you OR Star was blaming your parents for anything . If my post came off that way, I apologize. I was actually thinking of someone I know well who constantly blames everyone else (and most especially parents) for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life. Just a fairly crappy way to live IMO, and one that won't ever get you out of the swamp. After all, if everything is the fault of someone else, then why should you ever look at changing yourself????

 

Don't mind me, just rambling here....

[Spark1111]

I think it is great you are introspecting and trying to figure it out.

 

Keep working it!

 

And when you get to a point of acceptance of it, that is when you will be able to move beyond it like Silk said. You will be able to forgive yourself for your imperfections, whether as a child, a parent, or forgive your parents.

 

And that is one tough task! So be proud of yourself.

 

Childhood is key for forming our self-perceptions, and how daddy treats us can become how much or how little we expect from the men we fall in love with later in life.

 

So if Daddy was quiet, aloof, emotionally unavailable, didn't dote on you, did not accept you for the little girl you were....guess what?

 

You may be drawn to partners exactly like daddy because to you, that is what love feels like.

 

If Daddy was warm, loving, doted on you, supported you and cherished you, you will expect that, hell no, you will demand that from a love partner, or you will move on.

 

There is an old psych chestnut that we are attracted to a more improved version of the parent we had the least succesful relationship with.

 

Why?

 

Because we subconsiously want to go back and fix that relationship; we want to go back and do anything in our power to reclaim the love and acceptance we wished we had from that parent.

 

And if it is a habit to rescue strays; if you get stuck in the "what ifs:" If only he hadn't been abandoned, if only he hadn't been abused; if only this or that; if only he wasn't married to that woman who doesn't appreciate him enough, blah blah blah....

 

If you are attracted to the drama and to saving someone else....

 

a good counselor will tell you that you are trying to save yourself!

 

You are recreating your childhood drama with a more improved version of a person like the parent you had the worst relationship with because, "what if daddy loved me more, what if daddy had more time for me, what if daddy didn't prefer my sister...and on, and on....

 

Your lover becomes the diversion of doing the hard job of introspecting and saving yourself!

[fooled once]

So, I guess this is a rather personal topic to be posting out here in cyberspace, but, I've come to realize that I have major daddy issues (and mommy issues... I guess they're related). I have a very complicated and strange relationship with my dad. I feel like this has something to do with why I was attracted to exMM.

 

I know exMM and I had an unhealthy relationship and I know I want better. But I can't seem to get to "healthy." I'm in therapy and it really helps. I'm staying single/ just casually dating because I'm working/focusing on myself and I have a broken man-picker like some of us have talked about... and I don't want to repeat the same patterns. But I find myself missing exMM... it's like I know in my head it was bad for me, bad for everyone, but I am attracted to something about that kind of a relationship, I don't know why or how to fix it.

 

I want to stay positive and think eventually I'll find a great guy and I'll be a great healthy person and we'll have a great relationship. But I have fears about ever getting married and especially having kids. I don't think I'll ever have them because I feel like so many people are messed up, including me, and I don't want to mess anyone up. I don't feel like my father tried to mess me up, I'm sure he meant/means well, and I don't blame him for my bad decisions, but, I just want to be at a place where I'm not, I guess. A healthy place. And I don't know how to get there. Does it just take time? Like, will I eventually be attracted to good guys and be able to have a normal relationship? Or am I forever messed up? I have the tendency to over-analyze things and I don't mean to "look" for problems... I want to just be happy and have a happy life, but, it doesn't seem to happen. I guess I thrived on the drama I had with exMM even though it was bad... it distracted me from my normal life I guess.

 

I started this thread with the intent to ask everyone who is or has been an OW what your relationship (if any) with your father is like. Then I realized that could sound judgmental or like I'm saying there's something "wrong" with being an OW. I'm not saying that. I think that for me it was "wrong," in that it was a less than ideal relationship for me and unhealthy. Also, it goes against my values, in that I believe in "do no harm" or "do unto others" (not in a particular religion, just that general concept that's in all religions/ I'm more of a secular humanist), and yet, I was completely able to sleep with another woman's husband when I wouldn't want someone to sleep with my husband. (I know it's mainly the husband's fault, I'm just saying, I don't think I should have been apart of it). I was able to do something I "believe" is wrong. So I don't know what that means. That I have two identities or something. The one that can do all of that and the one that feels bad about it and regrets it now. I guess.

 

Anyway. I am going off topic. I guess I would like to hear from those of you who were OWs and who regret it, what your relationship with your dad was like if any and whether you think it had anything to do with your relationship with your dad? And how are you progressing now, are you able to have happy relationships and do you feel healthier, and how long did it take? Of course if current OWs want to discuss, or to say their relationship with their dad is just fine or they don't think daddy issues have anything to do with it, that's cool too. (Or if former OWs want to say that.) The point of my post is not to judge but to share and to learn. LS was very helpful for me when I was an OW and now I'm not but I guess I have lingering issues and so I'm trying to talk it out and still get help in this way.

 

 

Sometimes I want to pop you in the head (and before anyone gets all freaked out - SB and I are friends and she would be okay with me popping her in the head ).

 

Let me answer your question first....

 

Do I / Did I have daddy issues? No. My father was gone most of my life (military man) but I don't believe that had any impact into why I took part in an affair. First of all, the guy told me he was separated...and he was...for a year. But after he moved home, I still continued to see him. Why? No idea. Probably self esteem issues. I had come out of an abusive marriage where alcohol was my xH's best friend. I had a young child. I was dirt poor. I had been the one taking care of everything since I married - bills, home, pregnancy, newborn, toddler, etc all while working full time. He took care of me. He treated me very well. He spoiled me with gifts (flowers, jewelry and even some more practical gifts such as fixing my garage door opener, installing a storm door, key to his apartment, etc). I think he gave me things and did things for me to make up for lack of his attention when he moved back home (prior to that, I saw him daily). I guess I was vulnerable. I guess I wanted to feel wanted. He did that for me. He made me feel like a princess and I know he loved me. I know I did feel scared, but relief after I broke things off. He called and begged me to give him another chance - offered to divorce his wife, etc. But I said no - I was D O N E.

 

And then - believe it or not - I met the most wonderful man in the world who I married I had told myself I was done with relationships, I didn't need a man, I didn't need the heartache or the disappointment. AND bam, I met H.

 

You too will meet someone. I think part of it is you are worrying about it per say. I don't think you are messed up or broken. You made a mistake. We all make mistakes. But I do think you know you will NEVER again be an OW. It isn't who you are. It isn't what you want or what you believe in.

 

I personally, from what I know about you, will make a very good mom. Know why? Because you are so kind, because you are so caring, because you are sensitive, because you know what it feels like to not be treated right and I know you will treat your children in the appropriate manner. You are unique, SB. You are truly a sweet and giving woman. You are so smart and at the same time, so down to earth and so easy to talk to. It will happen....when it is the right time. Maybe this is the time for you to focus on you. And to start - you have GOT to forgive yourself. To me, that is the #1 thing you should work on. You can't love anyone until you love yourself.

 

I haven't read the rest of your thread, so I will do that now. But I want you to promise me you will stop beating yourself up. Accept the past and remember it, because it will help you to not make the same mistakes again.

 

BIG HUGS to you!!

[Jonah]

Almost everyone that is or was close to me has daddy issues, which usually means mom was kinda wacked out too. Thus most everyone that is or was close to me has problems.

 

I am a father who got it together (sort of) when I was 30, got custody of my two boys. My oldest, though successful so far is worrying me for his drinking and womanizing. My youngest has wisdom and a good woman and they are happy. So you can see how my oldest who was young when I was drinking is having more problems than my younger son who was barely a toddler when I quit.

 

My dad was an alcoholic. He did love us, but drank at home hard whiskey. Mom drank too so insanity was the norm. The worst part was watching my dad die a slow, humiliating and painful death. My first memories was of him being very sick. At one point in my teen year he told me he wanted to die. He passed at the young age of 54.

 

When my dad died, I was 19 and almost immediately acquired a taste for alcohol. I loved, got hurt, and I hurt some ladies. After my breakdown at 30 I quit drinking. It is quite a mess and I have many major unresolved issues.

 

So yes I can relate. It is strange the effect parents can have on their offspring, and the results can be unexpectedly complex and devastating as they are in mine and your case.

[spice4life]

I could always relate so well to you Tiger!! Thanks for sharing.

 

When I was with exMM I don't even know if I truly wanted him to leave his wife. I think I found comfort in the NSA relationship. There was no fear or danger of being hurt maybe. I used to have thoughts like "well, he could just put me up as his mistress... I would be taken care of and could do what I wanted and I don't want to get married or have kids anyway." Is that f'ed up or what?! But then I would always want more of his time and love and commitment. My exMM was very f'ed up, we had a lot of the same issues, even though he was a lot older than me, and I think I was attracted to that in him, and vice versa. His wife is perfect. Just perfect. Yet that wasn't enough for him, he still wanted me in all my f'ed-up-ness. I am afraid I am just like him and can't change. That I can't be happy in a real, healthy relationship.

 

I guess getting out of the relationship with exMM was my first step but I still have a lot of steps to go. I feel like something allowed me to get there in the first place that I have to fight/change. People say "people make mistakes, pick yourself up and move on" and I try, but it's not that simple for me. Maybe I make mountains out of molehills. Maybe I'll just never be happy but at least overall I'm happier than when I was caught up in that stuff with exMM.

 

That is sad about your dad, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm grateful that my dad is still alive. I know some people have never even known their dad and I am glad that mine was there for me and in the picture. But it was such a conditional love. He had such high expectations of me and it was all about image. He wanted to project the perfect little family because he never had that himself. He was so overly freakishly religious and strict and a control freak. I could never be myself. I didn't even know who I was. I'm only now starting to find out who I am. I'm not trying to whine, I just realize all of this and think, wow, I'm f-ed up, how can I get over this. Growing up I tried to be his perfect little project but that wasn't good enough still, and then I totally rebelled and got disowned. (I didn't even do anything that bad but whatever. I was a saint in high school compared ot most kids. I just questioned the religion, then declared myself an atheist, then moved in with my boyfriend in college. All mortal sins in his book). After I broke up with said boyfriend he came back around and I would say we have had a comparatively "good" relationship for the last eight years or so. But in many ways it's overly close, and his relationship with my sister is overly (emotionally) close as well to the point of disturbing me, and he has no boundaries. In many ways he is still a kid looking for love and guidance, which is what I saw in my exMM too. Ugh. I wonder how we ever escape our pasts. I feel mired down in mine. His relationship with my mom is terribly horrible and that's a whole other can of worms.

 

Well, thanks for sharing, it helps to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. I don't want to escape into an affair with an MM ever again (or anything like that... I have done some other stupid stuff but that took the case) but it is scary to face it. I guess all I can do is keep facing it. Thanks for the support Tiger. And good luck with your own journey... it seems you are so much further along than I am, and I admire you!!!

 

You are not f-ed up at all! Do you realize that you are actually on the road to solving your issues? Recognizing them is the first step and the rest just opens up from there. You're doing great! Keep up the good work!

 

Don't minimize yourself by saying you are whining. As you continue this journey, you will realize that apologizing for expressing how you feel is part of the issue you are trying to solve. Your feelings are very valid and there is no need to seek approval for expressing them. It's hard to do, I know, I've been there too.

[fooled once]

You are not f-ed up at all! Do you realize that you are actually on the road to solving your issues? Recognizing them is the first step and the rest just opens up from there. You're doing great! Keep up the good work!

 

Don't minimize yourself by saying you are whining. As you continue this journey, you will realize that apologizing for expressing how you feel is part of the issue you are trying to solve. Your feelings are very valid and there is no need to seek approval for expressing them. It's hard to do, I know, I've been there too.

 

Great great great post Spice!!!

[Star_Bright]

Thank you to everyone who has been posting. It is helpful to know I'm not alone and also to receive the encouragement. I think I have just been having a hard time. My therapist helps a lot but I still worry. Maybe I have depression or something because sometimes the negative thoughts seem uncontrollable and other times I feel relatively happy. I think maybe exMM provided me with an escape. Life with him was so superficially happy. Then it got really, really dramatic and the lows started to outweigh the highs, but, overall, it was still a distraction, still something/someone to focus on other than myself, I guess.

 

Spice your post was very encouraging, thank you. I guess it's true that recognizing my issues is the first step. Silktricks and Spark too, thanks. And Fooled Once, as always, thanks. I always appreciate a good pop on the head from you. I think that's why I come to LS in addition to therapy... sometimes I wish my therapist would pop me on the head, but she is so accepting and tolerant that she would never do that. Ha ha. I know that's how she's supposed to be and that it's good, but, sometimes, I need a dose of objective reality.

 

Jonah- Thank you for sharing your story. It is sad but shows that there is always hope.

[spice4life]

Great great great post Spice!!!

 

Thanks! I think I'm finally getting there FO.

[spice4life]

Thank you to everyone who has been posting. It is helpful to know I'm not alone and also to receive the encouragement. I think I have just been having a hard time. My therapist helps a lot but I still worry. Maybe I have depression or something because sometimes the negative thoughts seem uncontrollable and other times I feel relatively happy. I think maybe exMM provided me with an escape. Life with him was so superficially happy. Then it got really, really dramatic and the lows started to outweigh the highs, but, overall, it was still a distraction, still something/someone to focus on other than myself, I guess.

 

Spice your post was very encouraging, thank you. I guess it's true that recognizing my issues is the first step. Silktricks and Spark too, thanks. And Fooled Once, as always, thanks. I always appreciate a good pop on the head from you. I think that's why I come to LS in addition to therapy... sometimes I wish my therapist would pop me on the head, but she is so accepting and tolerant that she would never do that. Ha ha. I know that's how she's supposed to be and that it's good, but, sometimes, I need a dose of objective reality.

 

Jonah- Thank you for sharing your story. It is sad but shows that there is always hope.

 

How long have you been therapy? I had many MANY moments like you're experiencing right now, so it is a journey. So stick with it no matter what because you are starting to get to the nitty gritty of things. That's fabulous!

 

My father was emotionally unavailable and couldn't deal with emotions unless they were positive, so I learned to stuff anger and sadness. It took me until now to learn that those emotions are completely normal. It wasn't easy though. As I started to truly express these emotions, I would always feel a tremendous guilt afterward and wanted to retract them immediately! I felt like I was a horrible person for having them. The good thing was, I also started to realize that when I did express these emotions as they were occurring instead of stuffing them, positive things started to happen in my life. People started respecting me more and my confidence went up as a result.

 

So no worries Star_Bright, you are doing extremely well. And as time goes on, you will start to feel comfortable expressing how you feel and it will become a part of you. Once that happens, there will be no going back! You won't want to give up the positive impact it's having on your life.

 

Best wishes on your journey. The good stuff is starting to unfold.

[Breezy Trousers]

I wasn't an OW, but almost was. I struggled with a powerful attraction for 2 years.

 

MY DAD --

Codependent, maybe? Adoring, responsible husband who put my mother on a pedestal.. This could account for the fact that my two significant relationships have been with men who are -- despite faults -- kind to me on a daily basis. It's only now that I'm well into middle age that I can appreciate what a powerful template my father provided for the significant men in my life.

 

MY MOTHER, HOWEVER:

 

My mother had serious issues. She had her sweet, wonderful side and her evil side! She had a Dr. Jeckyl-Mr. Hyde personality. She was abusive, telling me she hated me on a daily basis and how she wished I had never been born. She was privately unhappy and blamed everyone else for her unhappiness, but she wore a completely different face in public. Lots of misogyny ...she treated my brother vastly different from her three daughters, whom she kicked out of the house before age 18.

 

The reason this is significant is because the man I * nearly * had an affair with proved to be a D. Jeckyl-Mr. Hyde personality who was abusive and contemptuous of women! I was attracted to a similar sort of guy years before that, too. So I think I'm constantly courting the duality of my parents within myself and this often gets projected out in my relationships and "temptations."' It's not so much about blaming my parents as it is recognizing the patterns within myself and how it gets played out in my periodic attraction to unsafe men.

 

By the way, although I was victimized as a child, I turned out to be very much like my mother privately toward my husband early in our marriage -- abusive toward him in private while sweet in public. As I struggled with it, I began to see how my mother probably couldn't help herself, either. Fortunately, I found a way to heal myself, so the abusive behavior gradually stopped as I healed core issues .... UNfortunately, years later, I believed I could "save" MM from his own unhappiness, just as I saved myself (and couldn't save my mother). I forgot the part that he can only save himself!... So my codependency issues are what I'm working on now, and I'm less interested in focusing on the MM these days.

[fooled once]

Thanks! I think I'm finally getting there FO.

 

Spice, you are there no doubt about it. I have noticed how you are all over here, helping, advising and supporting. Glad you are here!!

 

..stick with it no matter what because you are starting to get to the nitty gritty of things. That's fabulous!

 

So no worries Star_Bright, you are doing extremely well. And as time goes on, you will start to feel comfortable expressing how you feel and it will become a part of you. Once that happens, there will be no going back! You won't want to give up the positive impact it's having on your life.

 

Best wishes on your journey. The good stuff is starting to unfold.

 

You nailed it again Spice!

 

Listen up Star. You know I will always be there to kick you in the fanny

[BB07]

I've mentioned my own issues before so sorry for the recap if you've read previously.

I had a wonderful dad who I adored until the age of nine. Then things fell apart and continued to go downhill. My teenage years were very bad and I left home when I graduated HS at 17.

My dad started having affairs and was out drinking with the guys. I recall plenty of times when he used his new job as excuses for why he didn't come home and I remember he and my mother fighting. Things continued to go downhill from that point. When I was 14 it was the worst. Lots more fights and it was common knowledge to my mother and others that there were other women. Now I know there were numerous other women. He became abusive to me and my mother and he also molested me. My mother still doesn't know he molested me.

I feel like I've spent most of my life trying to leave it behind and I've fought to not let it affect me. There have been periods of time when I'm sure it wasn't primary and front center but yet when something traumatic has happened in my life it's becomes more at the center again.

I turned the big 50 this past year and frankly I'm so damn tired of it, I'm so tired of it affecting my life and my choices in obvious and subconscious ways. I know my past is the reason for my man picker being broken and damn it.......it pisses me off. I apologize for sounding like a victim tonight.

[spice4life]

I've mentioned my own issues before so sorry for the recap if you've read previously.

I had a wonderful dad who I adored until the age of nine. Then things fell apart and continued to go downhill. My teenage years were very bad and I left home when I graduated HS at 17.

My dad started having affairs and was out drinking with the guys. I recall plenty of times when he used his new job as excuses for why he didn't come home and I remember he and my mother fighting. Things continued to go downhill from that point. When I was 14 it was the worst. Lots more fights and it was common knowledge to my mother and others that there were other women. Now I know there were numerous other women. He became abusive to me and my mother and he also molested me. My mother still doesn't know he molested me.

I feel like I've spent most of my life trying to leave it behind and I've fought to not let it affect me. There have been periods of time when I'm sure it wasn't primary and front center but yet when something traumatic has happened in my life it's becomes more at the center again.

I turned the big 50 this past year and frankly I'm so damn tired of it, I'm so tired of it affecting my life and my choices in obvious and subconscious ways. I know my past is the reason for my man picker being broken and damn it.......it pisses me off. I apologize for sounding like a victim tonight.

 

OMG BB07...I don't recall reading that before. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

 

You know what I found and I not sure if it helps or not, but I looked at the age I was when a particular trauma occurred and how it directly impacted my development at the time. Once I understood the stage of development I was in, I was able to see how it impacted my growth and why I was stuck. It explained AHH-LOT! It was a very defining moment for me. That is when my healing really started to take off. It took a long time to undo the coping mechanisms I had built up over the years and I am still breaking them down this very moment and I am happy to say, I feel like I am getting there...humbly of course.

 

I felt like I was constantly banging my head against a wall because the same stuff kept happening again and again. I was so frustrated because I felt so stuck! The good news is, when the frustrations start to build up to the point where you are fed up, it means that something is working it's way to the surface and wants to be healed. It wants out! It's tired of holding you back...it wants to detach itself and move on...lol! It's the best time to really take a look and dig deep to find what is ailing you. It doesn't solve everything right away and there is still a rocky road ahead, but now there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That provides the strength and encouragement you need to continue down the path of healing.

 

Again, I am soooo sorry that happened to you. It didn't take your spirit down though because look at how much you help others. It shows. You are still a kind and compassionate person in-spite of all that. It shows you have tremendous strength. In one of my therapy sessions, my IC commented on how amazed she was that I was still so positive after everything I went through...I told her I was born that way! And I was. After her comment, I looked back at my childhood and remembered that I ALWAYS had that inner desire to find the silver lining in everything. It really helped.

[spice4life]

I hope this isn't a thread jack. If it is, please accept my many apologies Star_Bright. I just wanted to get these thoughts out before I lose them...lol.

 

BB07, I've been thinking about you and wanted to add a few more things. Hopefully there will be something in it that will help or possibly add some insight on where to look. I felt very stuck when I first started therapy and have uncovered tons of "stuff" (yes, stuff is appropriate because that's what it is!) that contributed to the prison I found myself in. Are you in therapy?

 

My mother still doesn't know he molested me.

 

There will come a point during your healing where you will need to confront this issue and possibly disclose this to your mother. I don't know your circumstances and the relationship you have with her, so you are the best judge there. If you can't disclose it to her for some reason, there are other ways to handle it, like venting out all of your feelings in a letter, good, bad and ugly, but not sending it. In many letters if you have to! What is your relationship like with your mother? Is she emotionally available to you and someone you can go to for guidance and support?

 

My mother is gone now and I miss her horribly, but when she was here, she was dealing her own emotional "stuff" and couldn't really handle emotional "stuff" from me. She would get upset and didn't know how to offer support and guidance. Don't get me wrong, she offered it many MANY others ways, she just couldn't deal with it one-on-one with me. So I wouldn't go and seek motherly advice from her because I didn't want to upset her. I dealt with those issues in therapy and that worked. I'm completely at peace with it now and see all of the wonderful things she did contribute to my life.

 

The thing is, part of the hurt you experienced, from what your father did to you, has to do with not being protected. There may be some anger inside directed at your mother regarding that issue. And that is normal and those feelings are VERY valid, you just need to let them out so you can heal.

 

I feel like I've spent most of my life trying to leave it behind and I've fought to not let it affect me. There have been periods of time when I'm sure it wasn't primary and front center but yet when something traumatic has happened in my life it's becomes more at the center again.

 

This is very normal. We all regress during times of stress and as long as we know it, we can control how it effects our life. It happens even when we've healed a lot of our issues...the symptoms are not as strong though. Whenever I start to beat myself up and begin jumping to the negative, I stop and think about why I am doing that. It usually means I'm stressed about something, tired or not eating right, so I take some time to nurture myself to get my emotional strength back. Then it goes away. So if you recognize when you are starting regress, you can manage it by taking a break to rejuvenate your emotional reserves.

 

I turned the big 50 this past year and frankly I'm so damn tired of it, I'm so tired of it affecting my life and my choices in obvious and subconscious ways. I know my past is the reason for my man picker being broken and damn it.......it pisses me off. I apologize for sounding like a victim tonight.

 

It's good you're pissed off about it. You should be! You were violated as a child by the very person who should have been protecting you! That is the worst thing that can happen to a child! Use that anger to motivate you and start digging to find the how and why this "stuff" motivates your choices. Find out how it is connected to them and that will help you understand why it is effecting your life. It's like tracing a wire to it's source of energy. Once you see the source and how it is connected, you can begin healing and release it from your system.

 

Anyway, these are just some thoughts. I hope it helps in some way. No worries, you WILL get to the bottom of this and begin to live the life you really want for yourself. I hope your feeling better, BB07.

Edited March 12, 2011 by spice4life