rightfield Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 g/f shares custody with ex-husband. They both attend soccer games, practices, medical appointments, and school activities. It seems to me that this should be the extent of the time that g/f and ex should be spending together. However, lately, after soccer games or practice, they all go to dinner together. Dental appointments turn into dinner, or lunch. g/f will meet ex and child at the park to play when he has custody. Her ex bombards her regularly with text, email, US mail, etc begging for he to take him back. She maintains that she does these additional activites with him so she can see the child when she doesn't have custody. This really bothers me, and I feel that spending all of this time with her ex, even though it supposedly to see the child, is disrespectful to me. It has impacted the time we're able to spend together, our ability to make plans together, and has put distance btw us. Am I being unreasonable in expecting that they should part ways after soccer games and doctor visits?
tinktronik Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 The answer to your question could go either way. On one hand, it simply sounds as if she is trying to co-parent and keep things happy and smooth for the kids... but on the other the ex is still hung up on her. BUT she is not responsible for the ex being hung up. Do you trust her? On it's face I would say that you have to let her parent her kids and deal with her ex the best way she can and how she wants to do it. Unless you can give reasons why you cannot trust her to comport herself as an ex I see ne reason that they should have to part ways after soccer or doctor.
Author rightfield Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 I trust her. She divorced him because of emotional and physical abuse. But what happens is, it's difficult to make and plans at all with her. She leaves me to twist in the wind until the last minute because she waits to see if she's going to be able to meet her ex and son at the park, or whatever. Only after she's sure that isn't available, will she contact me, and it's as if I'm supposed to be ready whenever that happens. So where is the line? Is it ok to spend the whole weekend "co-parenting" with this person she divorced? Is it ok for them to go out of town on vacation?
tinktronik Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 I trust her. She divorced him because of emotional and physical abuse. But what happens is, it's difficult to make and plans at all with her. She leaves me to twist in the wind until the last minute because she waits to see if she's going to be able to meet her ex and son at the park, or whatever. Only after she's sure that isn't available, will she contact me, and it's as if I'm supposed to be ready whenever that happens. So where is the line? Is it ok to spend the whole weekend "co-parenting" with this person she divorced? Is it ok for them to go out of town on vacation? This is the rub. You have not been around long enough or ingratiate yourself enough to be included in these activities... Ideally, (if I could stand my ex long enough to be in a room with him for 5 min) my SO my ex, his wife and I would take vacations with the kids.. They could benefit so much from seeing us all interact well and as a family together. You either have to wait out the test of time to incorporate yourself into the family life or decide that's just not your thing.
PegNosePete Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 she is not responsible for the ex being hung up. No, but she is responsible for telling him to STOP THAT SH#T. She needs to make it clear to him that it is never going to happen. If he can't accept that then she needs to stop spending time with him. IMO it is disrespectful for her to hang around with someone who is constantly drooling on her. Only after she's sure that isn't available, will she contact me, and it's as if I'm supposed to be ready whenever that happens. Welcome to the world of dating a parent. The kids will always come first. So where is the line? Is it ok to spend the whole weekend "co-parenting" with this person she divorced? Is it ok for them to go out of town on vacation? IMO, no, absolutely not. She divorced him because he was mentally and physically abusive. Why in the 7 rings of hell would she want to go out of town on a vacation with him?
Author rightfield Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 This is the rub. You have not been around long enough or ingratiate yourself enough to be included in these activities... Actually, I have been around long enough. We've been seeing each other for 3 years. I've taken her and her child on vacations, spent countless hours with her and her child doing everything from swimming, to teachning him baseball, to playing with him in his room. The ex tells his son bad things about me, and it's so bad that the child tells me that I have to be silent while he's on the phone with dad, because if dad hears that I'm around, dad will "put me in trouble" next time I'm with him. Ideally, (if I could stand my ex long enough to be in a room with him for 5 min) my SO my ex, his wife and I would take vacations with the kids.. They could benefit so much from seeing us all interact well and as a family together. I wouldn't have a problem being included in that situation, but the dad is the hang up there. You either have to wait out the test of time to incorporate yourself into the family life or decide that's just not your thing. It's time for me to decide right now, and your responses are helping me clarify that decision. Thanks for your thoughts.
tinktronik Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 It's time for me to decide right now, and your responses are helping me clarify that decision. Thanks for your thoughts. If you've been around for 3 years and the situation is contentious between you and the father then something is broken here. It is in fact time for you to make a decision. For whatever reason things have not worked out to where you are included in family time, and that sounds like what these parents are doing, spending family time... Perhaps inclusion VS. disclusion is the conversation you should be having with your GF.
Author rightfield Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 That is a very thoughtful observation. Any suggestions on how to approach inclusion when the ex hasn't let go of her and moved on? Seems to me that she is going to have to get that point across first.
tinktronik Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 That is a very thoughtful observation. Any suggestions on how to approach inclusion when the ex hasn't let go of her and moved on? Seems to me that she is going to have to get that point across first. What are your GF's tactics in dealing with the 2 of your interactions? Why after 3 years are you not engaged or married? Is it perhaps easier for your GF to deal with her ex fawning than it would be his anger and abuse? (one side begets the other on these situations). Lets drill down and answer some questions to get to the best resolution for the inclusion conversation.
Author rightfield Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 Thus far, her tactic is to keep him from getting angry about me by not mentioning me, hiding me or any evidence that I've been involved. Sadly, the child has learned to do this too. I'm not allowed to attend soccer games or even be seen when ex will be around during child xfers, etc. In the past, when he been upset about me being involved, he has pulled back on the invitations for dinner, park visits, and other time with the three of them. He uses the child as a tactic. Initially, she was freaked out by him fawning over her, because that only started after the final court proceedings, which lasted for 14 months. Long story, but he dragged the divorce all the way to a trial, refusing to cooperate with settlement offers or mediation. Through it all, he sent her some of the meanest, rambling, pages long messages running her down with the most hurtful language imaginable. Then when the fight was over, he turned on the love. But yeah, it is clearly easier to deal with for her now that she expects it. I think neither of us have been ready to marry or get engaged due to some of these complications. I think part of it is that she was abused, then has a kind of post traumatic stress from a contentious divorce, and is now dealing with this lovey dovey manipulation. That's enough to mess with anyone. Frankly, there is so much of that drama, it's been all we can do to hold our relstionship together. So many forces tearing at it.
tinktronik Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Thus far, her tactic is to keep him from getting angry about me by not mentioning me, hiding me or any evidence that I've been involved. Sadly, the child has learned to do this too. I'm not allowed to attend soccer games or even be seen when ex will be around during child xfers, etc. In the past, when he been upset about me being involved, he has pulled back on the invitations for dinner, park visits, and other time with the three of them. He uses the child as a tactic. Initially, she was freaked out by him fawning over her, because that only started after the final court proceedings, which lasted for 14 months. Long story, but he dragged the divorce all the way to a trial, refusing to cooperate with settlement offers or mediation. Through it all, he sent her some of the meanest, rambling, pages long messages running her down with the most hurtful language imaginable. Then when the fight was over, he turned on the love. But yeah, it is clearly easier to deal with for her now that she expects it. I think neither of us have been ready to marry or get engaged due to some of these complications. I think part of it is that she was abused, then has a kind of post traumatic stress from a contentious divorce, and is now dealing with this lovey dovey manipulation. That's enough to mess with anyone. Frankly, there is so much of that drama, it's been all we can do to hold our relstionship together. So many forces tearing at it. So your GF is in effect pacifying him by hiding you away... This sets a precedent to make things smoother for you GF but also to draw out a leaving out of any spouse she may have ever. Not okay. You need to address this specifically with your spouse and I would suggest doing it in writing as it's easier to parse your thoughts and not get caught up in the conversation... This is the stepping stone to where to start the conversation... the leaving you out or hiding you away. She is allowing her ex to dictate how she is living right now.
Author rightfield Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 Thank you very much for taking the time and for your excellent advice.
tinktronik Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Thank you very much for taking the time and for your excellent advice. You are more than welcome.
iJester Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 You've wasted enough time with her, and that's probably why you want to hang around longer to try and make it work. Bottom line is, her ex is permanently in her head and it's time for you to leave.
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