ffred Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Really, really long story short (as I can make it!) My ex has a history of drug and alcohol abuse, but has been sober for 6 months, until last Monday. He got drunk and sent me a message asking could he come over because he was nearby - I let him and showered him and slept in the same bed as him, but that's all. I gave in to temptation and looked at his phone, only to discover that there IS someone else. I had asked him to be honest about the reasons for our breakup and this girl hadn't come up. I was insanely hurt and took her number and sent her a series of ranting messages about him being an alcoholic and a drug addict, and some intensely personal details, including the fact that his mum will no longer see him when he's drinking because she can't bear it. I told her about the time he drank methylated spirits. All that kind of stuff.......... He's still drinking. I went round to see him tonight and admitted I had sent her a message, but just said I had told her he was seeing 2 other women (he has slept with other women - he's being an arsehole) and warned her to stay away. I didn't tell him about everything else I wrote... I'm SO ASHAMED. It was really really terrible of me, and he will find out ( I did check and she has been calling him all day, he just doesn't answer his phone when he's drinking). The thing is - I don't want him back and I was really pleased that we seem to have come to a place where we can admit we still care about each other, but as friends. But I lost my mind when I learned what had been going on and I deliberately set out to hurt him, because I think he genuinely liked this girl (although she's NINETEEN! I'm 34...) and that really hurt - that he had moved on very quickly and lied to me. He will be so angry when he does find out, which he will..... I'm so sad that I've not only lost my lover but now also my best friend, in a moment of pure insanity Has anyone else done anything like this? How did it turn out? I just feel so stupid and intensely ashamed, and VERY scared of his reaction when he realises.... He hasn't been perfect but I seem determined to destroy everything
PegNosePete Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 This sounds like an episode of the Jeremy Kyle show. Seriously why are you still talking to him if he's an alcoholic, druggie, arsehole liar? Is that the kind of person you want to call "friend"? NC him and all your troubles will go away. You will have a much happier life with much better people, I promise.
Cee Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Remember the serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (the Ex) The courage to change the things I can (Myself) And the wisdom to know the difference Alcoholism is a disease that affects 10% of people (probably more) and there is nothing you can do about it. He might go back to AA or he might die. His recovery is out of your hands. You can create another disease though, which is codependency. You can enable your ex so that he will be your "friend." You can give him money, food, showers, hugs, and back rubs. And think that he will get better and love you. That is not love. That is killing a man with "kindness." His family cut him off for a reason - to give him consequences so that he will go to rehab and/or AA. But you sabotage his recovery by enabling him. You aren't a bad person at all. I have done that too. But it is behavior that will lead you down a road of chasing sick men and trying to rescue them. Codependents end up in very bad places and that's why there is a 12 step program for them... Al Anon I'm not saying you have a problem. It is not for me to say that. All I do is share my personal experience with this problem. You might want to post in the Addiction and Recovery section of Love Shack. You might find guidance there. Good luck.
Renewed Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 I have never done that before, however it doesn't appear that you are not over him. Even though you say you don't want him back you are clearly not over the relationship because you A-let him come over drunk and showered him (unless that was a typo) B- slept in the same bed-do you have a couch he could have slept on and C-sent the new girl text because you were hurt and jealous that he likes someone else. You need to distance yourself from him. It is hard to let toxic relationships go and it appears that yours was one. If he lied to you then I guess he wasn't the best friend you thought he was. Get him out of your system.
Author ffred Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 Remember the serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (the Ex) The courage to change the things I can (Myself) And the wisdom to know the difference . I like this. Obviously there is quite a bit more to this story, but I would be boring you all half to death and typing all night. And yes, it gets even more like an episode of the Jeremy Kyle show... You've all given me food for thought though. Thank you...
Beeotch Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 (edited) Really, really long story short (as I can make it!) My ex has a history of drug and alcohol abuse, but has been sober for 6 months, until last Monday. He got drunk and sent me a message asking could he come over because he was nearby - I let him and showered him and slept in the same bed as him, but that's all. I gave in to temptation and looked at his phone, only to discover that there IS someone else. I had asked him to be honest about the reasons for our breakup and this girl hadn't come up. I was insanely hurt and took her number and sent her a series of ranting messages about him being an alcoholic and a drug addict, and some intensely personal details, including the fact that his mum will no longer see him when he's drinking because she can't bear it. I told her about the time he drank methylated spirits. All that kind of stuff.......... He's still drinking. I went round to see him tonight and admitted I had sent her a message, but just said I had told her he was seeing 2 other women (he has slept with other women - he's being an arsehole) and warned her to stay away. I didn't tell him about everything else I wrote... I'm SO ASHAMED. It was really really terrible of me, and he will find out ( I did check and she has been calling him all day, he just doesn't answer his phone when he's drinking). The thing is - I don't want him back and I was really pleased that we seem to have come to a place where we can admit we still care about each other, but as friends. But I lost my mind when I learned what had been going on and I deliberately set out to hurt him, because I think he genuinely liked this girl (although she's NINETEEN! I'm 34...) and that really hurt - that he had moved on very quickly and lied to me. He will be so angry when he does find out, which he will..... I'm so sad that I've not only lost my lover but now also my best friend, in a moment of pure insanity Has anyone else done anything like this? How did it turn out? I just feel so stupid and intensely ashamed, and VERY scared of his reaction when he realises.... He hasn't been perfect but I seem determined to destroy everything Wow... The good news is: we all do very insane, rash and foolish things during break ups when we're hurt. I've never reached out to another woman, as I have way too much pride to let any woman or man see me in such a state but I've done other things that I regretted. I'd say: tell him what you did and don't wait for him to "find out". That shows more maturity and the fact that you're sorry and not just sorry to get caught. People have problems, so who am I to judge, but if he is an a-hole, drug addict etc. I'm not sure how valuable such a person is as a "bestfriend". He needs to work on himself and he doesn't need enablers in his life who allow him to continue his habits...until then, that will be a very one-sided and dysfunctional friendship/relationship regardless of if he dates other women because his problems are WAY more compounded and complicated than that. Edited March 9, 2011 by Beeotch
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