Painful Lessons learned

[solar28]

Warning: Long Post

 

She was def one of the most compelling people I'd met -- very intelligent, witty, outgoing. Our first "date" if you will was last March a couple of months before she got married. The first red flag was that she showed up in the middle of the night and hung out with me, complaining incessantly about her soon to be but also driving me around and talking about all sorts of cool stuff.

 

I chalked it up to cold feet -- we of course didn't do anything but the vibe was most definitely there. We later facebooked that the evening was magical but in the back of my mind I resolved to be friends -- I was also uncomfortable putting myself in the shoes of a soon to be husband -- what guy would want his soon to be wife meeting up with a new guy she met at a party the week before?

 

So we just texted and once a month would get together and she was always half amazing (and drop dead gorgeous, goes to show which head of mine was in control) but over the next 6 months things remained purely on a friend level. I knew I had feeligns for her -- I was single and enjoyed the daily (and sometimes multiple times a day) texts from her and the occasional all nighters, full of conversation, driving places. My connection and love for her was mos def growing. She often seemed afraid to go home -- def half the time she was complaining about how bad her ex was (the things he would do or say). He cheated on her twice, she felt he was emotionally abusive, too controlling not wanting her hanging out with other guys, etc. So I just tried to remain a friend but simultaneously the feelings grow. I even asked if it was appropriate to hang with me and she was like, he knows we're friends and it's none of his business.

 

Eventually in September she wanted to go out with me to a club and we had a kiss. The next day I told her that while I thought the world of her I didn't want to carry on with a married woman and that if things were really bad she should either work it out (and leave me out of the picture) or leave. She did choose to leave and by October we had stared to sleep together. I at first had no expectations -- it seemed like the classic rebound and when I talked to her about it she was adamant that her feelings were true and that she would prove it wasn't a rebound.

 

Meanwhile I started noticing she had a LOT of guy friends and during our friendship she was clear she was very sexual and not against one night stands. Just that she liked to have fun. I noticed on facebook, even a month after we were sleeping together regularly (as in a LOT) that she would openly flirt with other guys and of course equally enjoyed their attention. But when we were hanging (almost daily and convos every day) she would also be texting them and her (not yet ex) husband.

 

Eventually after a couple months, feeling I was 100% devoted, wanted to know what she was going to do about her marriage. She didn't want to get divorced yet and just felt I should be thankful that she was spending time with me. Understandable -- but it nagged me that the times I wasn't with her, she was with her ex (still as late as November/December telling him she was hoping to work things out -- and spending nights with him as late as November) while telling me she was done with him. I just wanted the flirting to stop with other dudes, the texts with him and other guy friends to at least not be happening while we were together. It was as bad as her answering texts from him right after sex with me. Totally would make me feel used.

 

Meanwhile he got wind of our relationship by stalking my place out and catching her kissing me after an evening of sex. While she had left me with the impression that she had told him it was over and had left, she had not told him about me. In december she freaked me out by telling me she had been into me all along -- that the night we met (where she got my number right in front of her fiance) she actually went home to change into something sexy for me. And that over that summer -- she had always been into me, fantasizing about being with me while they were having sex, masturbating to me, even accidentally calling my name out. While it had a degree of ego boost, it was a devastating red flag. All that time spent criticizing him about being too possessive -- she literally would tear him down about how stupid he was to be jealous that she spent time with me when we were "only friends". It's this sort of thing that makes guys wary about chicks with lots of guy friends.

 

So I became very sensitive to her texting and hanging with other guys. The first time I attempted to really break up with her was in early december -- over texting other dudes, over constantly complaining about her ex, over not being willing to set a date over the divorce. I was giving nearly every day -- 3-4 nights a week and a couple of hours of convo so not a day went by without contact -- and I either wanted space if she wasn't ready, or more of a return committment to me. I didn't feel it was right for her to still be seeing her ex. Her parents even remarked that she was "playing both sides" tho she insisted they were just joking.

 

On top of it she wasn't working, had no desire to get a job and was still receiving money from him. I started feeling that it wasn't really over. I didn't suspect they were physical (though who knows) but just that it was unfair to me to be giving all this time and not receiving equal committment in return. I nearly broke up with her the week before christmas over it and she finally agreed to set a date. But meanwhile, she'd (even after I'd asked for it to stop as nicely in as I knew how) text other dudes, joke about having three somes with ex boyfriends right in front of me, about girls she'd do. I know to some degree its normal casually mentioning an infatuation with a movie star -- but I felt it went beyond that.

 

Cue to January, after she mails off the papers, she has a complete breakdown when she finds out her ex is dating a girl he had cheated on her with at the beginning of their relationship. Half the pain was the past yes -- but she was literally devastated, talking to me about slashing her tires, just very upset. It felt obvious to me that she still had feelings and I asked her about that and she insisted no way. I was devastated because I felt like after months of being there for her every day, she was still VERY wrapped up in this relationship. It seemed like WAY too much of our time was devoted to this. It led to me trying to break up with her -- feeling that she wasn't giving her share, feeling that everything was very focused on her and her feelings about her ex, about the texting, about flirting with other dudes. I was willing to be friends -- after all, her feeligns were her feelings but I deserved to not be committed to her if she wasn't ready to be committed to me. Her response was that I was just insecure and that she'd already apologized about the texts and that I couldn't let things go. But her texts too him increased dramatically (at least the ones she did in front of me) from that point on.

 

I did my real breakup the week before valentines day -- over the same issues -- the constant texting, the constant talking about her ex. I tried to just say I wanted it to stop -- that it was unhealthy for me, it made me feel terrible. At least when she was with me, to treat me as number one. I just wanted it to stop and she spent hours explaining that I was too controlling, too jealous, that I was a drama queen, etc. I was so upset I did the wrong thing by breaking up over facebook but I just felt so fed up. I still wanted to be her friend and we hung out a few days later and agreed to go to to a ballet that I'd spent $150 on front row seats for Valentines day. Disaster -- she texted her ex numerous times while we were there about the possibility of hanging out. Right in front of me. Yeah we were technically broken up but I had feelings (and I let her know) and a shred of hope that things could work out over time. She even slipped out during half time at the ballet to make a phone call, leaving me standing in line to get her breath mints.

 

So I let her know how angry it all made me feel, that I felt there was no possiblity of romance. We emailed back and forth and she just said that maybe she needed a few weeks to herself to sort things out, that she knew she held back, etc. So we agreed to just keep loose contact over the next few weeks. I told her several times my feelings for her were still very strong but otherwise completely respected her space. She told me she wouldn't be looking for anything but taking the time to herself and I of course did the same.

 

Cue to today where she told me she was back together with her no-longer-ex and maybe getting re-married over the weekend. that she went to see him the VERY night I broke up with her and had been seeing him regularly ever since. She told me that because she hadn't heard from me (I never let more than a few days go without a text/call or email) that she felt I had moved on and so "tempted fate" and got back together with him.

 

Lesson? Follow your heart. My instincts told me all these things were coming, but my admiration and love for her positive points (which do me no good to dwell on ) led me to ignore very obvious red flags. NEVER date a girl that lies to her husband about not having any feelings for somebody and then lies to you when you are that somebody when they claim they no longer have romantic feelings for someone else. She spent hours insisting to me that her feelings for him were only friendship and that I should be proud she was such good friends with her ex. If they can work things out I wish them the best and the best I can do is learn from this.

Edited March 9, 2011 by solar28
To warn about long post

[race_engine]

good that you learned from this. i would NEVER date, or even see for that matter, a woman who is still married. if she did it to him, she'll do it to you. this bitch sounds like just a straight up whore, homewrecker, and uses guys for money and sex. what a worthless slut, who would want a woman like that regardless of how hott she is...you best never speak to that one again lol.

[FryFish]

She was a total HO! And the PERFECT example of why you cant trust a girl with lots of guy friends... Girls who keep lots of guy friends around are ATTENTION WHORES! If you arent the one giving her attention at any given moment you can bet that some other dude is... and she isnt saying no...