dressing up Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 In order for real NC to take place, no expectations has to be achieved first, right? In one of my earlier threads, I mentioned about quitting a platonic friendship because the guy has recently got himself a girlfriend. I can't hang around him or them so have to leave for the sake of my sanity. A most recent incident left me disappointed in him and I haven't contacted him since. Still, I can't help but wonder if he would contact me. This isn't healthy and I want to rid myself of that expectation. I'm trying to get to the no-expectations stage so I could properly move on. How do you get there? Or is time the only enabler?
voels Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Good question. After 130 days of NC, I realize now that I'm waiting for her to break the contact, asking for forgiveness, asking how am I doing or something. She does not attempt to contact me whatsoever. I'm still waiting. This sucks.
Vickstar Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 The thing is, all im waiting for is an apology for the way he has been and i think i can move on fully when he does that, but i doubt he will
dng Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 The thing is, all im waiting for is an apology for the way he has been and i think i can move on fully when he does that, but i doubt he will My ex apologized profusely to me and it didn't change anything. It didn't change that she is gone, it didn't change what she did. This yearning for an apology is simply the expression of wanting to talk to them again and nothing more. After the apology would come more questions that cannot be answered and more heartbreak.
radrluv72 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 In order for real NC to take place, no expectations has to be achieved first, right? In one of my earlier threads, I mentioned about quitting a platonic friendship because the guy has recently got himself a girlfriend. I can't hang around him or them so have to leave for the sake of my sanity. A most recent incident left me disappointed in him and I haven't contacted him since. Still, I can't help but wonder if he would contact me. This isn't healthy and I want to rid myself of that expectation. I'm trying to get to the no-expectations stage so I could properly move on. How do you get there? Or is time the only enabler? Thank you so much for posting this question. I'm 68 days NC with my ex. Most of the duration of this, I haven't had a serious expectation of hearing from him because he's been overseas for the last 13 weeks (he broke up with me 2 days before he deployed). But, as March came upon us, it dawned on me that he's due to come home next month. He's been on my mind more than ever, and I'm starting to wonder more than ever what's going to happen when he comes home, and if he'll finally reach out to contact me. Yes, I'd love to hear from him because I miss him being in my life, but on the flip side, I kind of don't. I don't want a phone call or a text telling me that he's sorry for how cruel he was in ending things with me like he did, but that he doesn't want to reconcile. So now as the weeks fly by, I'm more apprehensive of what next month is going to bring. And I really wish I could stop thinking about it. The fact that I'm even being this way is an obvious sign that I'm not as fullt healed as I'd like to be, and I'm in no shape to deal with him yet. As tempted as I've been to break NC these past couple of weeks, I know that if I do, I'll just be setting myself up for a relapse. And since he did the dumping, if anyone reaches out, that's on him. Yeah, I want what maybe most would want...but I know an apology by itself wouldn't be good enough & wouldn't fix anything. He apologized enough when he broke my heart. It didn't make anything feel better back then, and it still wouldn't now, almost 13 weeks later.
Author dressing up Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 But why do we still want them to contact us? Do you think it will really help resolve matters? While I want my guy friend to contact me and I miss him, I know it's better for my healing process without him interrupting it. Because him contacting me without telling me he actually likes me and will dump his girlfriend for me won't change anything.
radrluv72 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 But why do we still want them to contact us? Do you think it will really help resolve matters? While I want my guy friend to contact me and I miss him, I know it's better for my healing process without him interrupting it. Because him contacting me without telling me he actually likes me and will dump his girlfriend for me won't change anything. My only answer to that is the heart wants what the heart wants. My ex certainly wasn't my first breakup, but it was the first time my head and my heart had a horrific conflict, and I base that on why the breakup happened in the first place...because I'm still mixed up on why it even occurred. My ex didn't cheat on me, he didn't treat me badly...as a matter of fact, he treated me like a queen. The night that he ended things with me, we had planned a romantic evening out since it was going to be the last time we would see eachother until he got back from Afghanistan. We had a nice romantic dinner, he took me to the officer's club for a holiday party, he introduced me to his best friends...later that night when we got back to his place and we were in bed, all of a sudden he started spouting off reasons why we shouldn't be together anymore. He didn't know what I was to him and he didn't know how he felt about me. He didn't think I would move with him to Texas in 2 years when he was due to be stationed at a new base. He didn't see me as often as he wanted. He thought about other girls. I mean, it came from nowhere. "They" say sometimes one will overlook signs of an impending breakup, but not 2 weeks before this happened, he was telling me how much he cared about me, that I made him happy & he didn't want to lose me, that I made him forget all the things that drove him mad, and talked about going to his hometown of Portland when he came back home from overseas & then taking me to NYC in the fall because I'd always wanted to go. His behavior never changed, we talked to eachother every single day, and he seemed just as crazy about me as I had become about him. And then BOOM...bomb dropped from out of nowhere. Next thing I knew, within one night he totally turned himself off emotionally to be...cold, stoic, unwavering, just like the soldier he'd been trained to be. I tried to be cordial & friendly for 3 weeks after he dumped me, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I finally blew up at him in an e-mail off FB, told him I was sending everything he gave me back to him in Afghnaistan & not to contact me unless he was ready to get real about what was really going on with him. He de-friended me on FB and I haven't heard from him since. Tomorrow it'll be 10 weeks of NC for me. So I suppose for myself, part of the reason I want to hear from him is because I love him, I miss him, and yes, I want him back. But the other reason is because what happened with my ex was explained to me by one of my best guy friends...he freaked out on me. I knew he'd been dumped by a couple of previous ex-girlfriends in the previous year because of the fact he was career military, and it's a very real possibility that he got burned by someone on his first deployment overseas. I was told that it sounded like my ex thought I was too good to be true, that he more than likely saw a future with me, but was confused by what he felt, flipped out & deliberately tanked the relationship to protect himself from getting hurt. I should probably be insulted by the possibility that he didn't have enough faith in me or trust me enough to stay faithful while he was away. I've never on cheated one anyone in my life, not even past boyfriends that I cared less about compared to him. But a big part of me gets it, because I know what it's like to get burned, and I know what it's like to not feel that confident in yourself. I've also been told that he did what he did as a reaction to getting deployed...I've read about the 5-7 stages that active military members & their families go through before, during, and after deployment, emotional detachment & separation being one of them. Well, the sudden & abrupt shutoff of his inner self towards me was definitely that. It's just way too coincidental. I think that every situation is individual, but I think the want is still the same after everything else. We want to hear from those people because we remember how happy we were when they were in our lives, and we want that back. But like I said, the heart wants what the heart wants. If my ex came back & said that he wanted to be friends with me, as much as it would kill me, I'd have to tell him no. I have enough friends, and I'd just be cheating myself by accepting his request to settle. We want our exes to pull their heads out of their a**es and see the light...we want the fantasy of them showing up on our doorstep on bended knee, begging us to take them back because they know they screwed up. But the reality is there's nothing anyone can do to change someone else's mind. We have to move on with our lives, because that's what we deserve. We have to remember what out lives were like before that person came along, and realize that yes...it is possible to live without them. When my ex comes home from Afghanistan next month, I refuse to hold to the expectation that I may hear from him. My best guy friend insists that my ex will not forget me, and more than likely is hurting over what he did to me, but the bottom line is that at the time, he just wasn't ready. There's a part of him that is a scared kid, and that kid needs to grow up on his own. I also have to realize that he may be too scared to contact me because of how I tore into him and because he knows how deeply he hurt me. His reaction to personal confrontation is to shut down & turn off, and I can't expect that, or anything else to change. That's not to say that some things do happen when you least expect them. I've had 2 exes from a million years ago attempt to get in contact with me strictly for the purpose of telling me they had realized how poorly they had treated me & how sorry they were...but so many years had gone by I just didn't even care. I wasn't that same person, so an apology wasn't needed or wanted. I'd moved on. Stick to NC. One you think through every possible scenario and you know what your heart wants, it's the most logical conclusion of what's best for you. Eventually, all things come full circle, it's just a question of whether it's tomorrow or years from now.
Author dressing up Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 My only answer to that is the heart wants what the heart wants. We need to stop it then! For our sanity. I tried to be cordial & friendly for 3 weeks after he dumped me, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I finally blew up at him in an e-mail off FB, told him I was sending everything he gave me back to him in Afghnaistan & not to contact me unless he was ready to get real about what was really going on with him. He de-friended me on FB and I haven't heard from him since. Tomorrow it'll be 10 weeks of NC for me. So I suppose for myself, part of the reason I want to hear from him is because I love him, I miss him, and yes, I want him back. The three weeks must have been hard. Would you contact him? We want to hear from those people because we remember how happy we were when they were in our lives, and we want that back. But like I said, the heart wants what the heart wants. I miss the guy friend but maybe I've put him on a pedestal that he doesn't belong on? If my ex came back & said that he wanted to be friends with me, as much as it would kill me, I'd have to tell him no. I have enough friends, and I'd just be cheating myself by accepting his request to settle. We want our exes to pull their heads out of their a**es and see the light...we want the fantasy of them showing up on our doorstep on bended knee, begging us to take them back because they know they screwed up. But the reality is there's nothing anyone can do to change someone else's mind. We have to move on with our lives, because that's what we deserve. We have to remember what out lives were like before that person came along, and realize that yes...it is possible to live without them. This is so well-said. It's how I feel too. That's not to say that some things do happen when you least expect them. I've had 2 exes from a million years ago attempt to get in contact with me strictly for the purpose of telling me they had realized how poorly they had treated me & how sorry they were...but so many years had gone by I just didn't even care. I wasn't that same person, so an apology wasn't needed or wanted. I'd moved on. I don't think this guy friend would contact me. Probably he thinks I'm angry with him, which I am, that he doesn't think he wants to face. Or he thinks it's easier to just move on instead of facing my wrath. Or he's too busy with his new life to remember me. Stick to NC. One you think through every possible scenario and you know what your heart wants, it's the most logical conclusion of what's best for you. Eventually, all things come full circle, it's just a question of whether it's tomorrow or years from now. I'm sticking to it as much as I can. I just want to forgive him and myself. It's a pity we all can't live thinking that life is too short to beat ourselves and others up.
Cassandra92 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 My ex boyfriend and I are meant to be NC... but I broke it the other night when I send him a text saying 'I can't stand this'... I actually woke up to a missed call from him after that. Then I broke NC again the next night by sending an email apologising for the text and basically gushing about how much I miss him... I'm still expecting a reply to that, although I know I shouldn't. NC is hard
Author dressing up Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 My ex boyfriend and I are meant to be NC... but I broke it the other night when I send him a text saying 'I can't stand this'... I actually woke up to a missed call from him after that. Then I broke NC again the next night by sending an email apologising for the text and basically gushing about how much I miss him... I'm still expecting a reply to that, although I know I shouldn't. NC is hard This reminds me of something. That NC shouldn't be broken because then you go through this waiting-for-a-reply phase. Been there, done that. Horrible time waiting. I hope you regain your strength to continue with your NC.
Author dressing up Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 Have to add this. Real NC probably should also include not talking to friends about the situation, reliving the whole traumatic "breakup." I just spoke to a friend about how I felt. I had been better. Now I feel awful because I just poured salt on the wound by talking about my situation. When will I fully recover from this?
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