start-fresh Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Does anybody have any advice or experience to identify whether a woman is just looking for a guy who's financially stable or if she's a gold digger? I'm fortunate to have a pretty decent job for my age (knock on wood ) and can't help but wonder this. My last girlfriend never went to college and didn't really seem to have any ambition to. She had a job and was living on her own at 21, but I just had this gut feeling that she would never really strive for much career wise. That's the main reason I broke up with her. She was great in so many other ways. Very caring, supportive, etc... sexy, didn't nag. I felt like I was doing all the effort planning dates and paying for everything. She never drove anywhere, either. The whole three months we dated, she drove twice I think. It wasn't like she was asking me to buy her stuff, but that's an obvious thing, so I would think very few women are dumb enough to do that. I just felt like I was investing so much more into the relationship and she was just along for the ride. I know we should have talked about these things more before the relationship ended, but her lack of ambition just really turned me off and you can't really change such a fundamental thing about a person. So, with that being said, does any of this make me sound shallow and judgemental?
Author start-fresh Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 I should add to this, of all the married couples our age in our social circle, all of the women are kind of like this. They don't hold down steady jobs and the guys earn all the money. Is this the norm? Nobody has kids but it's just like the women have no motivation to work, or work minimal jobs. That means they as a couple struggle quite a bit to get by, where if the women worked to earn anywhere close to their husbands, they would be a LOT better off financially.
sugarmomma Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Stay true to yourself and if you know you want a woman with more ambition make sure you can check that off your list early on. It doesn't mean she's either one but maybe this is just where she's at at this point in her life. Doesn't make you judmental or shallow. I like men who are ambitious as well and I make more money than most men I date.
threebyfate Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 So in these friends' marriages, who's responsible for all the domestic duties, emotional health of the marriage and nurturing? Who makes the decisions or has ultimate say?
Sabali Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 There isn't anything wrong with wanting a woman who is ambitious and this can be very crucial for a man with a lot of ambition but always consider that a job situation can turn around in the blink of an eye. Take it from many people who were making 6 figure salaries 3 years ago and now are struggling to make ends meet. On the other hand, a woman that is "very caring, supportive, etc... sexy, didn't nag" isn't a package that you can find on every corner and is invaluable. Someone like this is "richer" than most people. Is your ex still around? let her know that I have strong pelvic muscles...
carhill Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Does anybody have any advice or experience to identify whether a woman is just looking for a guy who's financially stable or if she's a gold digger?I watch what she *does* with my money. Is she proactively as protective of and frugal with it as I am? 'Honey, we don't need that right now. Let me put it back'. If I see her spending habits with her own money matching up with how she handles mine, that's a positive sign, presuming those habits are compatible with mine. From long life experience, what people do with ten dollars is what they do with a million dollars; their essential viewpoint on its value remains nearly constant. It's really good information. People can fool and deceive, but that's why one gets to know them slowly over time, along with having the requisite people-picker skills, something I was a bit short on the last time around. Life will get better
musemaj11 Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 (edited) I watch what she *does* with my money. Is she proactively as protective of and frugal with it as I am? 'Honey, we don't need that right now. Let me put it back'. If I see her spending habits with her own money matching up with how she handles mine, that's a positive sign, presuming those habits are compatible with mine. From long life experience, what people do with ten dollars is what they do with a million dollars; their essential viewpoint on its value remains nearly constant. It's really good information. People can fool and deceive, but that's why one gets to know them slowly over time, along with having the requisite people-picker skills, something I was a bit short on the last time around. Life will get better I have been learning a lot in how to spot a good woman from carhills life experience. I agree that how a woman handles your money is the most important attribute to notice. A quality woman cares about your financial being. But such women are extremely rare. Most women measure a man's appreciation by how much money he is willing to spend. Sickening. Edited March 9, 2011 by musemaj11
mogul Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 I agree that how a woman handles your money is the most important attribute to notice. A quality woman cares about your financial being. But such women are extremely rare. Most women measure a man's appreciation by how much money he is willing to spend. Sickening. Wow, you have no idea how hard that quote hit me. My ex was a great girl. Initially it annoyed me how frugal she was with money and constantly nagged me for my spending habits. Money was never an issue. In retrospect, she was looking out for me and our future together. In regards to the op's question, I usually look for a sense of passion and interested in really motivated women. She must be educated, come from a good/comparable family background, and a successful career. Usually a good indication she isn't a gold digger is if she doesn't care about what you drive, where you dine, or what brand the bag you get her is.
Author start-fresh Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 So in these friends' marriages, who's responsible for all the domestic duties, emotional health of the marriage and nurturing? Who makes the decisions or has ultimate say? I see where you're going, TBF. I would say in most of them it is the woman who does more of the cleaning and cooking. But, that's not to say all the guys come home to a home cooked meal waiting on the table every day. They're not strict traditional marriages in that sense. I don't know, I guess it just means I'm looking for more of an equal partner rather than a traditional arrangement.
Author start-fresh Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 Wow, you have no idea how hard that quote hit me. My ex was a great girl. Initially it annoyed me how frugal she was with money and constantly nagged me for my spending habits. Money was never an issue. In retrospect, she was looking out for me and our future together. In regards to the op's question, I usually look for a sense of passion and interested in really motivated women. She must be educated, come from a good/comparable family background, and a successful career. Usually a good indication she isn't a gold digger is if she doesn't care about what you drive, where you dine, or what brand the bag you get her is. The bottom line is most women, regardless of what they do or don't say, care. It's more of how do you gauge how much they care. That's what I'm not sure about. If you're driving an old beat up car versus something reasonable or even flashy, she's going to care. Also, in a dating situation, I would think it's easy for people to focus on the end situation if that makes any sense. Like in my case, I just feel like even if she wasn't asking me to buy her stuff all the time, she could look at both of our future financial situations and realize she could live very comfortably never having to get a serious job if we got married whereas if she stayed single, she probably could never own her own home on her income.
betterdeal Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 I see where you're going, TBF. I would say in most of them it is the woman who does more of the cleaning and cooking. But, that's not to say all the guys come home to a home cooked meal waiting on the table every day. They're not strict traditional marriages in that sense. I don't know, I guess it just means I'm looking for more of an equal partner rather than a traditional arrangement. Couples come in all shapes and sizes. It's what works for you that matters. 3 months is usually the honey moon period. After that, each party tends to do more of what they were doing before rather than shagging all the time. If you want a 3 month shagathon then that's fine - date anyone you fancy. Just be selective in deciding who to consider to be a keeper.
East7 Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 She had a job and was living on her own at 21, but I just had this gut feeling that she would never really strive for much career wise. Being independent at 21 is not really common. This shows that she doesn't depend on others. Gold-diggers like to depend on others. Regarding career, it is too early for a woman at 21 to make long term plans. Maybe she really lacks ambition now but when she will want to have a better life she may have a wake up call and finish her studies. At 21 people don't always know what they want. That's the main reason I broke up with her. She was great in so many other ways. Very caring, supportive, etc... sexy, didn't nag. I felt like I was doing all the effort planning dates and paying for everything. She never drove anywhere, either. The whole three months we dated, she drove twice I think. It wasn't like she was asking me to buy her stuff, but that's an obvious thing, so I would think very few women are dumb enough to do that. I just felt like I was investing so much more into the relationship and she was just along for the ride. It sounds like the relationship was good overall. As Carhill said (i agree) it wouldn't bother me as long as she doesn't use my money for expensive shoes or handbags. She tries to keep the relationship with the few money she has to share. I know we should have talked about these things more before the relationship ended, but her lack of ambition just really turned me off and you can't really change such a fundamental thing about a person. So, with that being said, does any of this make me sound shallow and judgmental? It is not judgemental if that is part of your values and your standards. If you want absolutely someone who shares the same ambitions that is not being shallow. On the other side you may find someone ambitious and wealthy and be miserable with her, a relationship is not all about money.
lenny Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 I feel work ethic says a lot more about a person than the actual dollars they bring in when discussing ambition. Even if she flips hamburgers at McDonalds, if she puts her all into it, rarely absent or tardy, pays her bills on time, keeps her home running well - these all speak to me of someone super responsible, not someone looking for a ride. Do you really think from her perspective part of her interest in you had to do with your job or would she have been just fine if you worked right along side of her. I'm not sure from your posts I've gotten the feeling she was looking for either financial stability nor being a gold digger. As to the other comments you made; she never paid for anything probably because she's supporting herself on limited income. In lue of taking you out on a date did she ever invite you over and cook you dinner or anything that would be giving back while keeping within her means? And the driving comment I'm just not sure about. Are you saying you wish she was lazier? I guess I'm going to have to agree with the other posters that if what you value is the size of the paycheck to be somewhat equal to yours, than this girl is likely not for you.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 OP, I would not worry so much about whether a woman is a "gold digger" or not. It's up to YOU how and when you part with any of your own resources. From your post, I gather that ambition is a trait you admire and seek in a partner. So, as someone else posted already, just be true to yourself and look for that quality. Don't be intimidated when you find it, either! I notice that some men tend to be intimidated by women whose ambition and earning power are close to their own, yet belittling and suspicious of women who don't have these qualities - fearing that they are "gold diggers." I'm not saying you are one of them. Just suggesting that you focus upon the positive of what you care about and want in a partner, go for that, and accept the reality of it as well.
Author start-fresh Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 As to the other comments you made; she never paid for anything probably because she's supporting herself on limited income. In lue of taking you out on a date did she ever invite you over and cook you dinner or anything that would be giving back while keeping within her means? And the driving comment I'm just not sure about. Are you saying you wish she was lazier? No, she never offered to cook for me. She said she didn't know how. I'm not picky at all and would have been happy if she would have made something impossible to screw up but she didn't go there. And for the driving, I just mean I wish she would have offered to drive sometimes, too. I'm just going on about this because I wonder if I screwed up by ending the relationships over stupid things, that's all. Kind of beating a dead horse at this point. These have all been very helpful responses so far, though.
musemaj11 Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Even though I believe character is the number one 'determinant', but its a fact that people may change so especially when it comes to marriage, nothing ensures more safety than going for someone of comparable socioeconomic level. I used to despise women for putting socioeconomic status above all else. But now I realize that women are the ones who got it right while men are the ones who are stupid.
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