Why do I have to make the first move?

[hesh86]

I suppose a lot of guys like me have come across this. Whether it is date night, physical intimacy or just flirting, guys are always expected to be the ones to initiate. I have been dating my girl for almost six weeks now. I'm the one picking the dates and being the one to start the physical intimacy. She doesn't want pre-marital sex, which is fine by me, but is okay with other intimate things ...I have to ask her what she wants and what she doesn't and have to listen to the rejections to find out if she is interested or not. I feel like a pervert or a sex-addict asking her that. Ultimately, I don't know whether she likes it or not, even though she passingly mentions that she does. And I feel confused when she does say that she likes it, because I am not even sure if I forcefully made her like the physical stuff or not by going against her will since I made the first move. Like I said, she does tell me politely to stop if she feels something is inappropriate, but why can't she tell me all the things she expects beforehand, instead of me finding out. Afterwards I feel guilty about myself, because I am somewhat religious.

 

Is she just trying to play me like a puppet or are all girls the same? This is my first time dating. She sometimes complains (although diplomatically make it seem like she is not) if I did not hold her hand, or kiss her goodnight, or say goodbye or tell her if she looked pretty. What is the deal with this? Can someone please explain this to me? I feel like I should just wait for her to make the first move. I'm getting sick of doing this actually. Don't get me wrong, I do love her and I tell her that and she tells me so also. But, I think a relationship should be two sided.

 

Anyway, comments would be appreciated

[Movingthrough]

First of all i have a big problem with this. I feel it should at least be 60/40 but really be 50/50. Now dont get me wrong, i feel the guy should make most of the effort and show that he cares. BUT if she is getting mad that you arent doing this or that, then she needs to make that effort to show you thats what she wants. Her excuse would be "I shouldnt have to tell you to do it" but guys dont work like that, especially nowadays where you can be labled as a weirdo for making moves.

 

I dont think she is playing you, but 6 weeks in there should be some sort of equality when it comes to things you do. The red flag IMO is her making no effort then getting mad if you dont...you arent her keeper or a mind reader.

 

I would probably just bring it up if i was you, or just know that your relationship is going to be based off of you doing all the work.

[hesh86]

Thx for the reply. Well, she isn't getting mad or disappointed, I think she just feels like wanting more and she lets me know about it. Probably that is worse. I am a grad student and she is a post-doc, older than me and been through the hectic schedule that I am facing. She is very busy herself. My point is that, I can't chase her any longer or feel guilty about giving too little and feeling insecure when in fact I'm giving too much IMO. At least someone sees this my way.

[xpaperxcutx]

I'm going to assume she's a virgin? Is she religious?

 

Are you a virgin?

[hesh86]

Yes, we're both virgins. Well, at least she says so. She does go to church (not catholic) and I'm Hindu. But I feel like we've lost our virginities to each other also, although 'technically' we have not had penetrative sex. I've seen her topless and she has seen me unclothed. Again, both as a result of my first move. And I feel guilty about it, of course she said she enjoyed it and I also liked it, but afterwards I just felt like I gave her everything physically and took a lot from her also. Whatever, for the last few days I didn't feel like getting intimate with her, but tonight I kissed her after work (we work nearby) and although she responded I just felt angry with myself for making the first move again. Anyway, I have a career outside of my relationship and I have an important exam coming up and I am going to focus on those things.

Edited March 9, 2011 by hesh86

[hesh86]

Yes, we're both virgins. Well, at least she says so. She does go to church (not catholic) and I'm Hindu. But I feel like we've lost our virginities to each other also, although 'technically' we have not had penetrative sex. I've seen her topless and she has seen me unclothed. Again, both as a result of my first move. And I feel guilty about it, of course she said she enjoyed it and I also liked it, but afterwards I just felt like I gave her everything physically and took a lot from her also. Whatever, for the last few days I didn't feel like getting intimate with her, but tonight I kissed her after work (we work nearby) and although she responded I just felt angry with myself for making the first move again. Anyway, I have a career outside of my relationship and I have an important exam coming up and I am going to focus on those things.

[waynebrady]

Men desire women ALOT more than women desire men. Thats why men(and not women) make the first move and initiate all physical intimacy.

 

It's like this in all animal species.

[xpaperxcutx]

Yes, we're both virgins. Well, at least she says so. She does go to church (not catholic) and I'm Hindu. But I feel like we've lost our virginities to each other also, although 'technically' we have not had penetrative sex. I've seen her topless and she has seen me unclothed. Again, both as a result of my first move. And I feel guilty about it, of course she said she enjoyed it and I also liked it, but afterwards I just felt like I gave her everything physically and took a lot from her also. Whatever, for the last few days I didn't feel like getting intimate with her, but tonight I kissed her after work (we work nearby) and although she responded I just felt angry with myself for making the first move again. Anyway, I have a career outside of my relationship and I have an important exam coming up and I am going to focus on those things.

 

 

Personally, I don't think you should view physical intimacy as a power move. I see it more as character trait. There are some people who are not phyiscally open as others, ie. those who are openminded about PDA ( public display of affection).

 

If this is a continuous problem have a talk with your girlfriend and ease her slowly into being more proactive about showing you physical intimacy. Do not turn your back on her or distance yourself from her to make a point. That usually pushes the other person away.

[DarQDawG]

I suppose a lot of guys like me have come across this. Whether it is date night, physical intimacy or just flirting, guys are always expected to be the ones to initiate. I have been dating my girl for almost six weeks now. I'm the one picking the dates and being the one to start the physical intimacy. She doesn't want pre-marital sex, which is fine by me, but is okay with other intimate things ...I have to ask her what she wants and what she doesn't and have to listen to the rejections to find out if she is interested or not. I feel like a pervert or a sex-addict asking her that. Ultimately, I don't know whether she likes it or not, even though she passingly mentions that she does. And I feel confused when she does say that she likes it, because I am not even sure if I forcefully made her like the physical stuff or not by going against her will since I made the first move. Like I said, she does tell me politely to stop if she feels something is inappropriate, but why can't she tell me all the things she expects beforehand, instead of me finding out. Afterwards I feel guilty about myself, because I am somewhat religious.

 

Is she just trying to play me like a puppet or are all girls the same? This is my first time dating. She sometimes complains (although diplomatically make it seem like she is not) if I did not hold her hand, or kiss her goodnight, or say goodbye or tell her if she looked pretty. What is the deal with this? Can someone please explain this to me? I feel like I should just wait for her to make the first move. I'm getting sick of doing this actually. Don't get me wrong, I do love her and I tell her that and she tells me so also. But, I think a relationship should be two sided.

 

Anyway, comments would be appreciated

 

Let me see here. How can I break this to you? It's a cultural thing. As a conservative estimate, I'd say most women in America want you to make the first move.

 

Spanish women twice as likely to make the first move than American women, according to dating site

 

BY MEENA HARTENSTEIN

DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

 

Men, are you tired of always having to make the first move? Try going to Spain, where women are twice as likely to approach you as in the U.S. Online, that is. Spanish women are the most outgoing when it comes to reaching out to a potential date, according to international dating website

Badoo.com

. The site analyzed 90 million users in over 240 countries during a one-month period to see how often women in each country reached out to men, or "made the first move." While the numbers revealed that male online daters initiated contact with women more often than the other way around, the survey revealed the top 20 countries where women are the most willing to take the first step.

Spain, Poland, the Dominican Republic, Argentina and Italy nabbed the top five spots of countries where women are the most flirtatious. The United States was near the bottom of that list, coming in at number 19 out of 20, just ahead of Ecuador. "The average Spanish woman on Badoo makes the first move with 1.33 men per month, while women in Ecuador only start a conversation with 0.62 per month,"

says the site's blog

.

American women are more shy online than their fellow females in Chile, Portugal, Venezuela, the Netherlands, Germany and the Czech Republic. So if men want a more aggressive woman, they might want to look North. "It turns out that American women aren't that interested in making the first move either," Badoo's blog says, "although their Canadian counterparts are a little friendlier!"

It's also a biological thing. Women tend to as a rule be less sexually aggressive on average than men on average. They tend to like for the man to be the aggressor. Make sure you distinguish between "going against her will" and leading her through a romantic experience. Women like men to lead them through sexual experiences, not for men to go against their will. Be careful not to end up with a rape charge.

 

I'm a guy so I know what you're finding out about this frustrating truism.

 

The good news is this. If you do have sex with her all you have to do is keep that G-spot on GPS and she'll rape you at the threshold of your door the next time you see her.

 

Bad news is it's going to be hard for you as a virgin to satisfy another virgin. You really should've found you some hot cougar to break you in like a brand new pair of Nike's.

 

Good news is it really doesn't matter how much experience you have if you can acquire the know how by other means.

 

I suggest reading these books:

 

"How to make Love all night" by Babara Kessling, "The Multi-Orgasmic Man: Sexual Secrets Every Man Should Know" by Mantak Chia and Douglas Abrams, "The Secrets of Female Sexuality" by David Shade.

 

 

I suggest lots of heavy petting. And make sure you're the one in control and you're the one who puts a stop to the proceedings. Learn to anticipate the line she doesn't want to cross and stop before reaching it. Leave her wanting more and she'll want to go further next time.

 

You said you've been partially naked with one another before. That's good. See how far you can take it. Tell her you want to cuddle naked in the shower. Tell her it won't go further than that. And if she tries to take advantage of your gentlemanly nature you'll have to put her across your knee and give her a time out.

 

If she agrees get in an empty bathtub butt naked. Bring some baby oil. Be very careful because you can really hurt yourself if you slip and fall. It's best to do this sitting down together in the tub with her on top or between your legs. That way if she slips you can take the brunt of the pain. Pour the oil all over both of you. Now rub your bodies together, kiss, stroke each other, frolic and have fun. No penetration. No oral stimulation below the belt. If you're not one of those minutemen you should be able to handle that much without your testicles turning into twin Papa Smurfs. It's a way to have lots of fun without going all the way. I can personally attest that this is lots of fun if you're careful not to slip and bust your @$$. When finished be sure to wash away the oil with soap so you can safely get out of the tub. Later on you can substitute edible oils or even butter for more fun.

Edited March 10, 2011 by DarQDawG

[hesh86]

Well, thanks everyone for the responses. Actually, for the last couple of days, she has been making the first moves now. Maybe it was just a phase. That has been settled. Thanks DarQDawG, but the two of us have decided to not get anymore physical than kissing on the lips and hugging until we get married. So we will both remain virgins until then. She does enjoy the sensuality but prefers to leave it for a later date. I suppose we just have a more romantic relationship than a sexual one. So we both confessed to going too fast and I asked her to stop me the next time I proceed (yes, I'm religious - sue me) too far and she said she would do it in a way that would not make me feel guilty. She admitted that she didn't feel as bad about the physical stuff as I, but still did not want to do it again. She also said that even though we have been together for such a short time she could not imagine being without me How often do you get to hear that being in a relationship for just 6 weeks? We won't rush it though. Thanks again.

[Mark11]

I suppose a lot of guys like me have come across this. Whether it is date night, physical intimacy or just flirting, guys are always expected to be the ones to initiate. I have been dating my girl for almost six weeks now. I'm the one picking the dates and being the one to start the physical intimacy. She doesn't want pre-marital sex, which is fine by me, but is okay with other intimate things ...I have to ask her what she wants and what she doesn't and have to listen to the rejections to find out if she is interested or not. I feel like a pervert or a sex-addict asking her that. Ultimately, I don't know whether she likes it or not, even though she passingly mentions that she does. And I feel confused when she does say that she likes it, because I am not even sure if I forcefully made her like the physical stuff or not by going against her will since I made the first move. Like I said, she does tell me politely to stop if she feels something is inappropriate, but why can't she tell me all the things she expects beforehand, instead of me finding out. Afterwards I feel guilty about myself, because I am somewhat religious.

 

Is she just trying to play me like a puppet or are all girls the same? This is my first time dating. She sometimes complains (although diplomatically make it seem like she is not) if I did not hold her hand, or kiss her goodnight, or say goodbye or tell her if she looked pretty. What is the deal with this? Can someone please explain this to me? I feel like I should just wait for her to make the first move. I'm getting sick of doing this actually. Don't get me wrong, I do love her and I tell her that and she tells me so also. But, I think a relationship should be two sided.

 

Anyway, comments would be appreciated

 

Yeah, I hate the burden of having to make the first move. It puts all the pressure on the man.

[DarQDawG]

Well, thanks everyone for the responses. Actually, for the last couple of days, she has been making the first moves now. Maybe it was just a phase. That has been settled. Thanks DarQDawG, but the two of us have decided to not get anymore physical than kissing on the lips and hugging until we get married. So we will both remain virgins until then. She does enjoy the sensuality but prefers to leave it for a later date. I suppose we just have a more romantic relationship than a sexual one. So we both confessed to going too fast and I asked her to stop me the next time I proceed (yes, I'm religious - sue me) too far and she said she would do it in a way that would not make me feel guilty. She admitted that she didn't feel as bad about the physical stuff as I, but still did not want to do it again. She also said that even though we have been together for such a short time she could not imagine being without me How often do you get to hear that being in a relationship for just 6 weeks? We won't rush it though. Thanks again.

 

She's been making the first moves? So what happened exactly? And how did the conversation go when you decided not to pursue any extracurricular activity?

 

Several things you've said lead me to believe that she really does want to have sex whether you do or not. Things like this "she didn't feel as bad about the physical stuff as I" peak my radar. She may be simply afraid to tell you for all sorts of reasons: religious, inexperience, etc.

 

I don't mean any ill will on you, however, I've seen guys make the mistake of thinking that b/c they wanted to wait their women also wanted to wait. This is unusually not the case. Women simply don't expect to have to wait for a man to catch up to their wants sexually. They figure if they're ok with it, no man should have a problem with it b/c men always want sex. Believe it or not this is the mindset of a lot of women.

 

Back when I was a virgin in high school I had the same attitude as you. I had a girl question my orientation, become angry, and curse me out for saying I wanted to wait. They just didn't expect for a teenage boy to be less ready to have sex then they were and felt rejected and hurt, as if I really didn't want them and just made up some bull$#!% to avoid having sex with them.

 

Your experience may be different, but you've already said some things that indicate to me that she is not that forthcoming with needed information. If she's not telling you how she really feels and instead only tellling you what she thinks you want to hear, you're setting yourselves up for some problems later on. I've seen guys in just your situation get cheated on by girls that swore up and down that they wanted to wait until marriage. Girls that then go on to bang the varsity football team.

 

Please be certain she's being honest with her feelings.

 

Good luck.

[Drazgirl]

No, not all women are like that.

I have been with the same man for almost 3 years and only in the first week of begining to get sexual did I NOT have to initiate sex. After that it was ME EVERY TIME who had to begin things. It's a real bummer.

I even asked him within the 1st 6 months if he could take a bit more active roll. He said he would, but never did. I have since asked him several times, but he won't. When we do have sex he enjoys it very much, but still, it is always up to me to initiate, to take action during and make suggestions. He will never just take control. Sometimes he reminds me of an adolecent female that has to be led through sex because she is shy or inexperienced. He is neither. I have tried waiting to see how long it would take him to initiate sex, well I waited for 2 weeks before I had to give in and do it myself.

Ugh!

[Drazgirl]

Men desire women ALOT more than women desire men. Thats why men(and not women) make the first move and initiate all physical intimacy.

 

It's like this in all animal species.

 

 

This is absolutely false.