Broke Off Our Engagement - What are the RIGHT reasons?

[TooLittle]

I broke off my engagement 3 weeks ago. What are the right reasons for doing this to someone? I cannot believe I am now hurting who I thought would be my future husband, and it hurts me so much to see him this way. I am not asking for validation, but possibly some insight.

 

We dated for 3 years, then got engaged. We've been engaged for 3 years. He is 9 years older than me. I've never been married, and he had been divorced 5 years when we met. I knew (thought) he was the "one" when I saw him. I am an extrovert, he is an introvert. Yet we connected on so many levels.

 

After 3 years, he proposed. I thought the planning for the future would begin. Little did I know that his lack of self confidence, insecurity and constant fear of losing his job would crumble my dreams.

 

He lives across the street, and we both live in the same apartments as when we met, still SEPARATELY. He has a constant fear of losing his job... therefore buying a place together was always put off. All I wanted was a house with a backyard for our dogs... yet he never made the initiative to move out of the same apt he had with his ex. He has lived in the apartment complex for 15 years.

 

While he has an income 2x as mine, our combined income is 150k/year. The last straw was a month ago - he said he heard his company would be making cuts in June, so it would be foolish to buy a house knowing that was coming.

 

What I came to realize off and on throughout the relationship - was that this life step for him was a huge stressor - and I just didn't keep pushing it because I didn't want to stress him about it.

 

Of course, as many of you can probably see here, it isn't about the "HOUSE" as much as it is about confidence in our future and our lives together. As much as I loved him and still love him, I think I lost respect for him. My mind keeps going back to guys I've dated who wanted so much for themselves, so independent, and confident.

 

The other night I went out, did not drive home as I had been drinking and stayed with some friends, and he was ballistic the next day. Given we have been staying in our own apartments for a year, but since I said I was going to my parents house (which I did for a few hours and then went out), he drove by at 11 pm and was a mental case when I wasn't there and assumed I was out with someone else. I will now mention that his previous marriage ended when his wife had an affair, so the insecurities are huge and I did feel a bit suffocated at times - I had hobbies, but I was his life. Then he mentioned Facebook as one of the things I do - almost like he was jealous about it?!? When all I use it for is dog rescue and catching up with old friends at times.

 

Can someone give me some insight? Am I being superficial or reasonable or do I just not know what I want in life? He is the nicest guy I've ever met, and cares for me like no other man I've known, yet looking back it's almost like I was all he had, so he was ALWAYS there with me and for me. Maybe a bad thing?

 

I'm heartbroken that he's going through this but I know I've got to make myself happy - and he needs to do the same - and I could not continue the relationship any longer being the way it was.

 

THANK YOU in advance for any dissection into this crazy mess.

[valdeetz1]

I agree it sounds like he has some issues with moving forward in life. It's jut an excuse- and the same one 'we can't do this, I'm on the chopping block at work' that you guys need to try to work through. Wanting a house and moving forward in life isnt unreasonable- and in the market today you can get a home for a low price if you have good enough credit.

 

I can understand if he wanted to wait till June just in case though- but it sounds like thats always his excuse. Maybe some counseling is needed?

 

As for the recent incident- he obviously has trust issues, both because of how his previous relationship ended, and he seems to have never gotten over that- seriously? Driving by to check up on you. It says he doesnt trust you in my opinion. However...

 

I don't think you should have went out with at least letting him know- because if he's like this its probably something you know about. In this day and age a small 'going out with the girls' text is enough to keep him in the loop. But eh- I don't know the dynamics to your relationship that well.

 

From this- it seems like you guys need to talk through some things seriously in my opinion. It all depends on if this is salvageable with you. If you would rather cut your loses- thats up to you too.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

There are too many implications there.

 

When do we get to hear his interpretation of all of that??

[timchambo]

There are too many implications there.

 

When do we get to hear his interpretation of all of that??

 

Is it really that obvious to everyone? Thought it was just me when I read it. Maybe we are both biased. My ex just left me a couple months back. She had a new guy the next day.

 

I think my ex may have thought I was less ambitious than I was when we met. In reality it was my need to keep a roof over our head as she proved incapable of providing any consistent source of income. Meanwhile she tells everyone who will listen that she gave me all she ever made. She's using these false excuses to rationalize leaving a good man for mr excitement.

 

I hope your situation is exactly how you say and not just something you are trying to convince yourself. If this man cared about you so much who cares if your stress him about deal breaking issues. At least try to fix it before you throw it away. It sounds like he has plenty to offer and found someone who made his life complete. Why didn't those last RL work out for you with those strong independent men? Did he hav a habit of checking up on you all the time, or you think he grew suspicious recently?

 

Sorry if this came off bitter... But right now I just am.

[TooLittle]

I agree it sounds like he has some issues with moving forward in life. It's jut an excuse- and the same one 'we can't do this, I'm on the chopping block at work' that you guys need to try to work through. Wanting a house and moving forward in life isnt unreasonable- and in the market today you can get a home for a low price if you have good enough credit.

 

I can understand if he wanted to wait till June just in case though- but it sounds like thats always his excuse. Maybe some counseling is needed?

 

As for the recent incident- he obviously has trust issues, both because of how his previous relationship ended, and he seems to have never gotten over that- seriously? Driving by to check up on you. It says he doesnt trust you in my opinion. However...

 

I don't think you should have went out with at least letting him know- because if he's like this its probably something you know about. In this day and age a small 'going out with the girls' text is enough to keep him in the loop. But eh- I don't know the dynamics to your relationship that well.

 

From this- it seems like you guys need to talk through some things seriously in my opinion. It all depends on if this is salvageable with you. If you would rather cut your loses- thats up to you too.

 

Thank you! Yes I guess that is what I am trying to figure out - if it is salvageable. The bottom line for me is that I KNOW I'm not happy - with him or with myself - and when I broke the engagement, I told him that I loved him but that I could not continue this way, and that I know I would NOT make him happy right now, so I we need to stop before going forward. I will be going to counseling to figure this out, so this is something I am NOT taking lightly at all. Breaking his heart is killing me. But I just know that I can't go forward being so unhappy. I need to figure out why I am feeling this way.

 

My original post sounds like it is all his fault. Believe me, that is not my intention. When we started dating, I lost contact with all my friends, and looking back, realizing how dependent he was on my presence and attention, that I wanted to make him happy and make him trust that I wouldn't be like his previous relationship. I lost myself without realizing it I think ... while trying to make him secure and happy.

 

He is almost 50 years old - and I just feel like if he was secure enough in himself for us to have a life together, that he would do whatever it took for us to start it. I wasn't asking for a lot - just a sign that he was confident in himself to make a permanent improvement in our lives... instead of living separately for 3 years AFTER our engagement.

 

I'm about to go to his apartment to get my things and we're bringing it all back to my apartment across the street.

 

I do not want to be selfish about this and leave him hanging on waiting to see if I see a future with us. We BOTH have things to work on before we continue to marriage, and he fully agrees with that. But he said this is just too hard not knowing where he stands. And all I can say is that "I just don't know". That is so hard for me to say, yet that's all I can say to him.

 

Thank you again for your response! I am trying so hard to sort this all out and do what's best for us - but when I don't know, I don't know.... and that is the hardest part for me and him... ugh!

[TooLittle]

Is it really that obvious to everyone? Thought it was just me when I read it. Maybe we are both biased. My ex just left me a couple months back. She had a new guy the next day.

 

I think my ex may have thought I was less ambitious than I was when we met. In reality it was my need to keep a roof over our head as she proved incapable of providing any consistent source of income. Meanwhile she tells everyone who will listen that she gave me all she ever made. She's using these false excuses to rationalize leaving a good man for mr excitement.

 

I hope your situation is exactly how you say and not just something you are trying to convince yourself. If this man cared about you so much who cares if your stress him about deal breaking issues. At least try to fix it before you throw it away. It sounds like he has plenty to offer and found someone who made his life complete. Why didn't those last RL work out for you with those strong independent men? Did he hav a habit of checking up on you all the time, or you think he grew suspicious recently?

 

Sorry if this came off bitter... But right now I just am.

 

Thank you for responding. I just posted a response to a previous post that may help explain some of it more. It is so difficult to talk about this online without writing 20 pages. lol.

 

He didn't have a habit of checking up on me because I was always conscious of letting him know what I was doing - shopping, sleeping, at my parents - whatever I was doing he knew. He was always a question asker (not accusatory - just asking), and I always am a talker, so at the time I never wondered why. But now looking back, I wonder if it was him just reassuring himself that I wasn't lying or doing anything 'bad'? Even if he didn't know it himself.

 

I totally understand about trying to keep a roof over our head. I just wanted us to start a life TOGETHER after 6 years, and I still don't get WHY he couldn't make this step.

 

When I was discussing all of this with him a few weeks ago, he said he had heard all of this before (from his ex-wife). So he knows he has some issues with this.

 

I work full time - I work hard. I've always told him that if he lost his job that I would get two jobs - that's what you do to survive - and he always said he would not buy a condo/house that the payment was more than one of our incomes could afford. Please understand I wasn't asking for a huge house (it's just the two of us and my dog - we don't need a lot lol), just security and a foundation to build upon. I just can't help but think that if he wanted this at his age, that he would have done it way before now...

 

I understand your bitterness. And I am very sorry you're going through a similar experience. The ironic thing is that I feel bitterness too even though I'm the one that has put things on hold just because I'm unhappy. Is that crazy? I've been crying off and on all day - I hate this so much - I'm going to his apartment across the street to get my things and we're doing that together and bringing it back over here. I never thought I would be doing this if you would have asked me 3 years ago... but I am so adamant that I need to make this break for me and for him. It will not work if I don't figure out why I'm so unhappy. I just knew I couldn't continue on the way it was. When I tell him "I don't know"...that's the truth. I just don't know.

[Graceful]

It's perfectly understandable, at least to me, why you are miserable. You're not getting any younger, neither is this man, and you feel like you are spinning your wheels, not working with him toward any resolution, and it's like being on a treadmill to no where.

 

Who wants to live like that and who wants to plan a life with someone who makes excuses about every last damn thing that has no basis in reality and if anything, finally makes you doubt if he thinks you're even worth it?

 

It almost looks like he proposed just to hold on to you, with no intention of ever marrying you. It's like you're in a stage of permanent engagement, likely never to marry, likely to never move forward. Seriously. If you were happy right now my only conclusion would be that you two are two peas out of the same pod.

 

You are not. Clearly.

 

I guess that is what I am trying to figure out - if it is salvageable. The bottom line for me is that I KNOW I'm not happy - with him or with myself - and when I broke the engagement, I told him that I loved him but that I could not continue this way, and that I know I would NOT make him happy right now, so I we need to stop before going forward. I will be going to counseling to figure this out, so this is something I am NOT taking lightly at all. Breaking his heart is killing me. But I just know that I can't go forward being so unhappy. I need to figure out why I am feeling this way.

Well, good move, and thank goodness you broke off the engagement so he can see you're serious. When you get into counseling, and the sooner the better, you will be able to assess the vast gap between what you want and what he is giving you. What you want and expect and are asking for is perfectly normal, and it's LONG OVERDUE.

 

People your age don't need three year engagements. You strike while the iron is hot. Life is too short. What are you waiting for? You want a man who can't wait to get the ring on his finger, who can't wait to live with you, plan with you, have a future with you, right? Not some guy who is sitting there waiting for the sky to fall. Not some guy who continues to have issues about his former marriage and divorce when it's been like over 11 years now ... hasn't he worked through all that yet? It does not sound like you are anything like his ex, you work hard, make your own salary, and have not pushed him in any way. Cheesh, you're a saint in my book.

 

When we started dating, I lost contact with all my friends, and looking back, realizing how dependent he was on my presence and attention, that I wanted to make him happy and make him trust that I wouldn't be like his previous relationship. I lost myself without realizing it I think ... while trying to make him secure and happy.

Well, that should not have been necessary, but you did it, and that was very nice of you, but it sounds like he never established himself in a life of his own, and yes, that's a long-term problem. It's wonderful to be together, but it's healthy to also have friends and do things apart. Should not be a big deal.

 

Put this on your list when you talk to the counselor.

 

He is almost 50 years old - and I just feel like if he was secure enough in himself for us to have a life together, that he would do whatever it took for us to start it. I wasn't asking for a lot - just a sign that he was confident in himself to make a permanent improvement in our lives... instead of living separately for 3 years AFTER our engagement.

Who needs to tell you it's crazy that you have not moved in together. Me? Okay, fine. It's crazy. For someone hung up on finances, you've been spending double rent, utilities, and all expenses for years and years now. That makes sense in his mind? Makes no sense in mine and I don't think I'm alone in that.

 

I realize you live across the street, which is pretty darn convenient, but he seems to have used that as an excuse. A 50 year old man who has been living alone all this time, with trust issues, and security issues, and finance issues ... well, can you see where I'm going here??

 

We BOTH have things to work on before we continue to marriage, and he fully agrees with that. But he said this is just too hard not knowing where he stands. And all I can say is that "I just don't know". That is so hard for me to say, yet that's all I can say to him.

It's not true that you don't know. You do know. Here it is:

 

"Lovely guy of my life, you're a wonderful person, but here I am, 6 years into this thing, and I feel like life is passing me by, even though we are together, we are not together. You have not been able to lighten up and enjoy life, you proposed to me and now it's been three years, and I just feel like I am losing all the excitement and fun in our relationship. So I'm trying to figure out what I want, and I will do that asap, if you will discuss with me openly if we want the same things in our future and make sure we have the same values, and then go forward. I cannot stay engaged any longer. I am basically on hold, and so are you. It's not fair to either of us. And if you want to marry me, then you have to get the wheels turning, darling. Actions speak louder than words, and your actions have not been sayin' too much. So love of my life, if you feel the same, then let's get to work or let's get out of each others' way and move on."

 

No one breaks an engagement and then says they don't know why. You do know why, but you are terrified of admitting it and telling him. Is this salvageable? Time will tell. You need counseling, you need to come up with your future plan, you need to come up with the deal breakers and stick with them. He needs to do the same. Then you see where you stand. It does sound like he means well, but is that enough? Nope.

 

You are not happy. That's enough for me to hear. Now you dig down and figure out all the reasons why. Should not be that hard, IMHO. Take care. ps Feel free to use the script.

Edited March 10, 2011 by Graceful

[TooLittle]

Graceful? THANK YOU! You seem to get it!!!!!! I will write more about it tomorrow (I've already taken my sleepy meds ) but I really appreciate your insight and it has helped me tremendously. Being 9 years younger than him, I guess I just think I expected maybe something more. It was a hard day for both of us - he cried and cried, I cried and cried. And we are doing the NC. I'll be making an appt with a counselor tomorrow.

 

I must say that I feel so much better, as weird as that sounds. I haven't had one migraine, no aches/pains, no stomach issues etc since I broke off the engagement. I don't think I realized how unhappy I was at the time. Anyways - thank you and I will respond more tomorrow!

[Graceful]

Graceful? THANK YOU! You seem to get it!!!!!! I will write more about it tomorrow (I've already taken my sleepy meds ) but I really appreciate your insight and it has helped me tremendously. Being 9 years younger than him, I guess I just think I expected maybe something more. It was a hard day for both of us - he cried and cried, I cried and cried. And we are doing the NC. I'll be making an appt with a counselor tomorrow.

I must say that I feel so much better, as weird as that sounds. I haven't had one migraine, no aches/pains, no stomach issues etc since I broke off the engagement. I don't think I realized how unhappy I was at the time. Anyways - thank you and I will respond more tomorrow!

 

Awesome.

 

I'll look forward to hearing more when you have the time to respond. Hang in there. I hope you were able to get an appointment with a counselor, so you know you have that in the works. Take care.