If you had serious doubts about long-term future, would you stay anyway???

[buckeyelove]

I've been with my partner for about a year and a half. I believe that he is one of my soul mates. We met as I was going through a divorce and we instantly connected and have been deeply in love ever since. We consider each other life partners and we are/were married in our hearts. Several weeks ago, I made a decison to move to a different state. This was not a decision made lightly or without my partner's input. I truly believed that he would be able to make the move with me after a few months and he would be happy for me in the meantime. What has happened since then has been nothing short of hell. He has put me on an emotional rollercoaster than noone should ever have to experience, to the point of me having a nervous breakdown. I've discovered that he has some control issues, as well as some abandonment issues that result from his childhood. I went ahead with the move, even though I was a complete wreak. My partner will not continue to be with me if I choose to live in a different state. His belief is that a long distance relationship just does not work for him and he isn't willing to try it.

 

Being away from him for several weeks, I've continued to be an absolute mess. I've had a very difficult time deciding if I should stay in my new state or move back to be with my partner. I feel in my gut that the best thing for me right now is to move back. However, long-term, I know that there are many issues in our relationship and I don't believe that it will ultimately work out.

 

Would you stay in a relationship because it feels good now, even if you knew that long-term, you want different things?

[january2011]

It doesn't feel good now though, does it?

 

Knowing that they have limited time together, some people make the best of it and try to enjoy what little time they have left.

 

In my opinion, a successful long-term relationship is one that can be flexible and stay strong to weather the storms. Partners need to be able to grow together and support each other during important life changes, particularly if it involves fulfilling an individual dream or something the person just has to do out of necessity.

 

The long distance move was a good test for your relationship and you've now seen a side of him that you don't like. Perhaps an LDR brings out the worst in him - perhaps other things will also bring out the worst in him. Only time will tell.

 

In my opinion, a year and a half isn't really a long time in the grand scheme of things. And if his actions affect your mental health so badly that you had a nervous breakdown, that's a dealbreaker in my book. No matter how compatible or attracted you are to him. Or how much you think he's your soulmate. And if you want different things and neither of you can support each other towards these goals, I think you already know it's not viable for the long-term. If long-term is what you want, then I don't see another way through this.

[buckeyelove]

It's not that it feels good now. But the knot in my stomach is relieved everytime I consider going home. My partner believes that I just did not give him time to prepare for the move and it is true that we had a couple of plans in place to align him to be in a better position to also be able to move. Ultimately though, I don't believe he will ever really move for a variety of reasons.

 

Our differences are great- we have differing views on marriage, owning property, having a dog, the importance of family, etc. But despite all of that, I am so in love with him and just want to go home. Is it niave to believe that "love will conquer all" and we will figure it out?

[dreamingoftigers]

Yep it is, especially since live isn't conquering his abandonment issues.

 

Furthermore differing views on marriage is not going to negotiate itself out, one of you would have to cave, you can't be half-married.

[buckeyelove]

I guess I'm just having a hard time ignoring the sick, heartwrenching gut feeling I get every time I consider staying here. Has anyone else ever experienced this? Does it ever go away? Even though I know that our long-term future is questionable, I still feel like I want to try because I'm so in love with him. He has said that he will legally marry me, although I don't want someone to marry me if they don't believe in it and don't really want to.