dreamingoftigers Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Okay I get it, you feel trapped and smothered and you used this A to assert your independence in a highly dysfunctional way. It seems pretty clear that your husband is dependent on you for some of his family, emotional and financial needs. He has been traumatized by your actions and is trying desperately to out the pieces back up and stabilize any way he can, whether it be guilt, anger or counseling. All of these are attempts to stabilize the situation to see if things can be worked out. You, like my H, are not willing to give that security because you (I imagine) feel exasperated, drained, trapped and full of anxiety about the future. You are trying to make the run as quick as possible so as not to end up trapped in the sane unfufilling life. And yes, you ain't gonna be sleeping with your H with any passion under circumstances like these. Even under pressure, your H can't force you to love him or your marriage. He can only put on the pressure in various ways, including trying to show he loves you. What you can do us give yourself enough security and strength to make sure over the course of the next year that you aren't going to make any promises about the final outcome of the relationship but that you will provide stability for him and your family to recover from this. Over the next year he may Not change his patterns. He may he hot on your tail the whole time. He may be upset, he may be bitter. He has a right to be. Let him desk with how he will work through that. Your job as a responsible wife and mother is to make sure that you can stabilize yourself AND not respond to pressure tactics. He is hurting and scared (duh) he will test you. Your other job us to make sure that you are doing something for yourself that is healthy and enjoyable. Give yourself some kind of time and space to deal with your anxiety. If you stop yanking the security chain on him he will cool off in a few weeks if you stick to what you say you will stick with. The reason I give you this advice, despite the fact that you are hell-bent on leaving is that people often pitch their families at times of high-emotional stress. This isn't rational or helpful. You are under a ton of stress. You are going to have to deal with it calmly and let go of what you can't control. Tough lesson, but it is true. Cheating is a heavily conflict-avoidant act. If you have not dealt with (and not just know why you did it) the reasons you cheated, you aren't going to find happiness with or without him. Stabilize your family circumstance for now to not cause anymore damage then what has already been done. Calm down. Take a breath. Ignore the pressure, pretend like you are wearing a big teflon suit everytime something heated gets thrown at you. Just understand that he is hurting and trying to pick up the pieces in a hurry before you run and leave again, and give yourself some time. Time is on your side right now. You can't solve the world's (or your own, or your marriage's) problems in a day, week or month. Just little by little introduce joy to your life and make sure that your husband knows that that in no way is threatening to him.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 I was hoping you would respond.. i have enjoyed your take the most so far. pretty straight forward and stong opinions. Why woul dit be a downfall if we have 3 kids including a 16month old? I believe in my heart that I could forgive her and put it behind us if she would give us a chance. However.. that said.. yeah.. it was lust initially.. but they are still seeing each other.. and she even opened up her own phone line to be able to talk to him... they tell each other "I love you!" This dude has 3 kids from two marriage and he hasn't even seen two of his kids for 6 years.... one of thos he has NEVER seen at all... but she sympathizes with him... she is crying one day.. and hugging me.. and then she is a total biitch the next day telling me she hates me more than anyone she has ever hated... I wish i could get past wanting her back tho... tell me how! lol. Talk to Divorce Busters, they seem to have a good model. I wish I had the sense to practice it.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 I know it was wrong, I felt like it was my last option to get him to realize how bad things were for me in our relationship. I want to leave, I really really want to leave, but my husband wants me to stay and work it out. We have been together for 8 years, 2 kids. How do I just tell him its over? We are going to marriage counseling and I go to counseling by my self. I feel so much pressure to stay. He tells me things like if I leave I will ruin his life, or that I wasted the last 8 years of his life. He also tells me to put things in perspective, that a lot of other people dont have as much as we do. To me that means suck it up and be happy no matter what. Well im not happy and nothing we have been doing is making me happy. He keeps asking me what leaving him will accomplish. I have no clue, I feel like I wont have the pressure from him anymore. I can do what makes me happy for a change. I know I will still have to deal with him and our kids and all of the things that go along with it. So how do I end it? How do I just walk away with out it getting messy and complicated and mean? Then divorce. Be fair, be kind, do counselling together, the two of you and family counselling for the kids. If you are sure you don't love your H anymore and can't see you being happy again, don't stay. It'll suck and be very hard on him and the kids, but staying is going to be worse. This doesn't to have to end badly or be nasty. its' up to you and him to co parent together, yet apart. Forever. OR, Sort this out. Do counselling together, give him and yourself a chance to make it work again. For the sake of your kids, for you and for him. Obviously you loved him at some point, to marry and have kids with him. Is throwing it all away without trying something you might regret one day?
WorldIsYours Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 I was hoping you would respond.. i have enjoyed your take the most so far. pretty straight forward and stong opinions. Why woul dit be a downfall if we have 3 kids including a 16month old? You can still raise the kids in a decent way without being with their cheating mother. Never use your kids as an excuse because they'll soon pick up on what their parents are going through, and your wife didn't think about you or the kids when she cheated. I know leaving a marriage is hard and I know that from experience. But the cold fact remains, she doesn't care about the life you two built together. I believe in my heart that I could forgive her and put it behind us if she would give us a chance. You're saying this because you're highly emotional right now and that's okay. Some betrayed spouses will do this, thinking it'll make the situation right, when it won't. However.. that said.. yeah.. it was lust initially.. but they are still seeing each other.. and she even opened up her own phone line to be able to talk to him... they tell each other "I love you!" People say silly things after sex. But does she talk to this guy in front of you? If she does you need to do something about that. That should not be tolerated. She's disrespecting you. This dude has 3 kids from two marriage and he hasn't even seen two of his kids for 6 years.... one of thos he has NEVER seen at all... And that is why people who mess with married folks are slimeballs. They're just as low as the married person cheating on their spouse. but she sympathizes with him... she is crying one day.. and hugging me.. She's not sympathizing with him. She's trying to justify her cheating. Don't let her hug or cry on you. She's doing that to try to remove some of her guilt. and then she is a total biitch the next day telling me she hates me more than anyone she has ever hated... Again she's saying those hurtful words to justify her degrading and irresponsible behavior. And this just shows even why you should divorce her. I wish i could get past wanting her back tho... tell me how! lol. By letting yourself heal. By doing things you normally do. Living life so you can take care of those kids. Don't let her words penetrate you. Compartmentalize your feelings when around her and don't get into an argument with her. Find someone to talk to and work out your body. Do a 180 on her.
WorldIsYours Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Moving on can allow you to meet someone that will respect your marriage vows. Sometimes loving a certain person brings way too much baggage, heartache!! Is loving her worth the pain and deception that comes along with her? Exactly. A person who cheats has mental issues, and a bad character. Forgiving an adulterer doesn't mean they will suddenly become loyal. Love this right here.
WorldIsYours Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Is throwing it all away without trying something you might regret one day? The kids should not be the reason why they should stick together, and she already threw everything away when she cheated.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 The kids should not be the reason why they should stick together, and she already threw everything away when she cheated. No it isn't. But it certainly is a reason to give her best, and for her H to give it his best to try to salvage what's left. If both are willing to, why not? Many marriages can and do work after an affair. It takes work, and desire, but it can be done. To give up without trying (right now she's in an affair fog and isn't thinking clearly) and make huge decisions without therapy, is a mistake. one she may regret one day if she walks away.
WorldIsYours Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 No it isn't. But it certainly is a reason to give her best, and for her H to give it his best to try to salvage what's left. Her husband doesn't have to do anything, especially after what she's done to her family. If both are willing to, why not? Many marriages can and do work after an affair. She doesn't want to and her leaving can be a great decision. It takes work, and desire, but it can be done. To give up without trying (right now she's in an affair fog and isn't thinking clearly) and make huge decisions without therapy, is a mistake. Well if she wanted to make the marriage work then she should've talked to him or separated/divorced him before making the decision to deceive her family. one she may regret one day if she walks away. She already walked away when she cheated. The talk about rebuilding the marriage shouldn't even be on the table now. It is about her husband and how he's going to cope with his wife's selfish, omega destruction.
notwhatIwanted Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 You can still raise the kids in a decent way without being with their cheating mother. Never use your kids as an excuse because they'll soon pick up on what their parents are going through, and your wife didn't think about you or the kids when she cheated. I know leaving a marriage is hard and I know that from experience. But the cold fact remains, she doesn't care about the life you two built together. You're saying this because you're highly emotional right now and that's okay. Some betrayed spouses will do this, thinking it'll make the situation right, when it won't. People say silly things after sex. But does she talk to this guy in front of you? If she does you need to do something about that. That should not be tolerated. She's disrespecting you. And that is why people who mess with married folks are slimeballs. They're just as low as the married person cheating on their spouse. She's not sympathizing with him. She's trying to justify her cheating. Don't let her hug or cry on you. She's doing that to try to remove some of her guilt. Again she's saying those hurtful words to justify her degrading and irresponsible behavior. And this just shows even why you should divorce her. By letting yourself heal. By doing things you normally do. Living life so you can take care of those kids. Don't let her words penetrate you. Compartmentalize your feelings when around her and don't get into an argument with her. Find someone to talk to and work out your body. Do a 180 on her. thanks!!! I went there tonight to see the kids... and she cooked a nice dinner and served me a plate. I ate some of it... but never looked at her. Thanked her for the food and took the kids upstairs for bathtime.... While washing the kids... she comes up... goes into the walk in closet just to my left... and proceeds to get naked and change into her pajamas... and I just ignore her... once the kids are in bed... I simply say.. "I want to come see them tomorrow after work" and then I turned and walked out. It felt good to be strong.
WorldIsYours Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 thanks!!! I went there tonight to see the kids... and she cooked a nice dinner and served me a plate. I ate some of it... but never looked at her. Thanked her for the food and took the kids upstairs for bathtime.... While washing the kids... she comes up... goes into the walk in closet just to my left... and proceeds to get naked and change into her pajamas... and I just ignore her... once the kids are in bed... I simply say.. "I want to come see them tomorrow after work" and then I turned and walked out. It felt good to be strong. That's very good news, man. Keep it up.
robf1971 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 How do I just walk away with out it getting messy and complicated and mean? Lol this is every walk away wife's/husbands fantasy world. Maybe they can still be friends even. What planet are you living on???
robf1971 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I was hoping you would respond.. i have enjoyed your take the most so far. pretty straight forward and stong opinions. Why woul dit be a downfall if we have 3 kids including a 16month old? I believe in my heart that I could forgive her and put it behind us if she would give us a chance. However.. that said.. yeah.. it was lust initially.. but they are still seeing each other.. and she even opened up her own phone line to be able to talk to him... they tell each other "I love you!" This dude has 3 kids from two marriage and he hasn't even seen two of his kids for 6 years.... one of thos he has NEVER seen at all... but she sympathizes with him... she is crying one day.. and hugging me.. and then she is a total biitch the next day telling me she hates me more than anyone she has ever hated... I wish i could get past wanting her back tho... tell me how! lol. Hey is this Schmuck she's seeing married?. If he is, expose the whole thing to his wife. That'll nip it in the bud..
notwhatIwanted Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 That's very good news, man. Keep it up. Thanks... I am feeling a lot better now. Hey is this Schmuck she's seeing married?. If he is, expose the whole thing to his wife. That'll nip it in the bud.. No.. he is not. He assaulted his last wife.. she "dissapeared" and he has not seen his 2 kids with her since then... one of the kids he has never seen.. that was about 6 years ago. pretty certain he is a piece of ****.
Stateandbroadway Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 If you knew it was wrong and still cheated, you obviously didn't care. And you're trying to rationalize your cheating. If you wanted to "wake him up," you should've divorced him. And I'm sure whatever problems your relationship had is not all his fault. But it's good that you're leaving. It will spare him a lot of pain than what you've already caused him. He can find someone else who won't cheat on him. ---------------------------------------------- You might think it's good that she's leaving and that it will spare him more pain, but obviously the husband dosnt!!! That's why he's begging her to stay!!! Maybe if she were your wife that would be the case, but you're a different human being, with a different history than either of these two people. People are differnt, lives are different, philosophies are different. Maybe (and this is purely conjecture) her husband grew up watching parents who were miserable and believes that's what marriage is. Maybe he's comfortable in his misery. Maybe she won't leave because although she is not in love with him, she loves and cares for him as a human and the father of her children and fears what he will do if she leaves? My mother-in-law walked away from someone she was dating and he killed himself! Whatever you do you should definetly stick with the counselour. Even if divorce is the outcome, marriage counselours can help you navigate the divorce waters and leave the relationship in as healthy a way as possible at this point. They can act as mediators. I think most people who are getting divorced should see a counselour, especially with kids involved. It can help you learn the best ways to speak to your kids about the situation and provide a safe enviornement to say things to your spouse that you may not be comfortable saying one on one - or that may errupt into arguments if said one on one. Good luck to both of you.
Stateandbroadway Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 This is why you must leave him. This is a perfect example of how faithful, hard working guys get screwed over. He's working his butt off and serving his country so you and his children, and millions of American people can have a good life and this is how you repay him? ______________________________________________________________ Why do we have to turn this into "you are not a true patriotic wife conversation." Do you know how many military men and women cheat on their spouses overseas. The other day I happend on a website with military wives voicing their concerns that their husbands were being unfaithful while deployed. While their wives are trying to keep the house from being forclosed, putting food on the table and holding it down and being faithful. What does she get repayed with for her level headed thinking and ability to keep it all together under dire circumstances, while sustaing the lonliness and fear. Not ALL deployed men are saints! Having grown up in San Diego with tons of military families I can attest to this fact. Trying to paint a person as a faithful becasue of what their station in life is or is not...is just ridiculous.
Stateandbroadway Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 The world would be a happier place if more spouses adopted this attitude. Sadly, that isn't the case. And, as I continue to learn, is becoming the case less and less often. You are correct. It would even be better if people stop thinking that the words are the only thing that matters. Saying a group of words strung together is one thing. Doing the action is another. Loving is a verb. This applies to all aspects of marriage.
Stateandbroadway Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I know it was wrong, I felt like it was my last option to get him to realize how bad things were for me in our relationship. I want to leave, I really really want to leave, but my husband wants me to stay and work it out. We have been together for 8 years, 2 kids. How do I just tell him its over? We are going to marriage counseling and I go to counseling by my self. I feel so much pressure to stay. He tells me things like if I leave I will ruin his life, or that I wasted the last 8 years of his life. He also tells me to put things in perspective, that a lot of other people dont have as much as we do. To me that means suck it up and be happy no matter what. Well im not happy and nothing we have been doing is making me happy. He keeps asking me what leaving him will accomplish. I have no clue, I feel like I wont have the pressure from him anymore. I can do what makes me happy for a change. I know I will still have to deal with him and our kids and all of the things that go along with it. So how do I end it? How do I just walk away with out it getting messy and complicated and mean? Listen with sentences like "so i can do what makes me happy for a change" you're really not gonna find much "understanding." I'm actually very case by case when it comes to demonizing the "infidel" and even this strikes me as sounding EXTREMELY CHILDLIKE...especially when you have children. Are you very young? Were you very young when you got married? Just curious. Anyway when you have children...it's a whole different ballgame. So please take it slowly and be thoughtful about each step you take. And do not be bogged down by fear. Fear is what is keeping you trapped in the "inbetween" Maybe it's the fear of being alone with children to raise, fear of causing the additional hurt of divorce - especially if he wants you to stay. Or perhaps you are scared becasue you know the divorce with or without the infidelity would be very ugly. The first thing I would do is stop asking people what they think. Get yourself one good friend, who is mature and level headed - and isnt just into being a spectator to your entertaining life - and make sure you and your therapist are connecting and he/she is truly helping..not just allowing you to YAP your brains out without offering direction.
WorldIsYours Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 If you knew it was wrong and still cheated, you obviously didn't care. And you're trying to rationalize your cheating. If you wanted to "wake him up," you should've divorced him. And I'm sure whatever problems your relationship had is not all his fault. But it's good that you're leaving. It will spare him a lot of pain than what you've already caused him. He can find someone else who won't cheat on him. ---------------------------------------------- You might think it's good that she's leaving and that it will spare him more pain, but obviously the husband dosnt!!! That's why he's begging her to stay!!! Maybe if she were your wife that would be the case, but you're a different human being, with a different history than either of these two people. People are differnt, lives are different, philosophies are different. Maybe (and this is purely conjecture) her husband grew up watching parents who were miserable and believes that's what marriage is. Maybe he's comfortable in his misery. Maybe she won't leave because although she is not in love with him, she loves and cares for him as a human and the father of her children and fears what he will do if she leaves? My mother-in-law walked away from someone she was dating and he killed himself! Whatever you do you should definetly stick with the counselour. Even if divorce is the outcome, marriage counselours can help you navigate the divorce waters and leave the relationship in as healthy a way as possible at this point. They can act as mediators. I think most people who are getting divorced should see a counselour, especially with kids involved. It can help you learn the best ways to speak to your kids about the situation and provide a safe enviornement to say things to your spouse that you may not be comfortable saying one on one - or that may errupt into arguments if said one on one. Good luck to both of you. Lady, this woman is a cheater. Enough said. And the only reason why he's begging is because he's in shock.
WorldIsYours Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 You are correct. It would even be better if people stop thinking that the words are the only thing that matters. Saying a group of words strung together is one thing. Doing the action is another. Loving is a verb. This applies to all aspects of marriage. But cheating doesn't apply to marriage. At least, not morally.
WorldIsYours Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Listen with sentences like "so i can do what makes me happy for a change" you're really not gonna find much "understanding." I'm actually very case by case when it comes to demonizing the "infidel" and even this strikes me as sounding EXTREMELY CHILDLIKE...especially when you have children. Are you very young? Were you very young when you got married? Just curious. Anyway when you have children...it's a whole different ballgame. So please take it slowly and be thoughtful about each step you take. And do not be bogged down by fear. Fear is what is keeping you trapped in the "inbetween" Maybe it's the fear of being alone with children to raise, fear of causing the additional hurt of divorce - especially if he wants you to stay. Or perhaps you are scared becasue you know the divorce with or without the infidelity would be very ugly. The first thing I would do is stop asking people what they think. Get yourself one good friend, who is mature and level headed - and isnt just into being a spectator to your entertaining life - and make sure you and your therapist are connecting and he/she is truly helping..not just allowing you to YAP your brains out without offering direction. Divorce is necessary for cheaters, especially if they're unremorseful. Break ups are always ugly, and just because children is involved doesn't mean they all of a sudden take over everyone and everything.
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