Terrier Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 He is going to therapy. He wants me to come meet with him and the therapist. Which is what I asked him to do. Why is it that I am just as mad at him as ever?
Author Terrier Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 He says that he hates to admit it but he finds therapy valuable. IC asked him if he wanted a partner or a companion. That is the crux for him. He likes having someone around but doesn't want to share himself, or commit. I'm listening but I haven't drunk the koolaid. I gave him six months. We're on week three. He is going to have to do a lot more.
Spark1111 Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 What does your gut tell you to do? Not your head, not your broken heart, your gut? Do you not want to go with him? Ask yourself why? Do you feel it is manipulative on his part? That he is being a good boy so you return? And you do not trust it? Which all may be true in your case. You have the right to do what makes you feel safe now. If attending a session to tell your current feelings to him with a counselor there as a mediator would be helpful TO YOU, then do so. If you are not ready to help HIM with his therapy, then don't. More than anything right now, you have the right to decide NOT to decide anything about your relationship or lack thereof for a good long time. Do not allow anyone to pressure you with their advice, or helping him, or what you should do for anyone other than yourself!
kuma Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 He says that he hates to admit it but he finds therapy valuable. IC asked him if he wanted a partner or a companion. That is the crux for him. He likes having someone around but doesn't want to share himself, or commit. I'm listening but I haven't drunk the koolaid. I gave him six months. We're on week three. He is going to have to do a lot more. He doesn't want to share himself? He has no choice now. He MUST share himself if he wants to stay married to you.
Author Terrier Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 You're right Kuma, he has to want a relationship, I won't settle for a companion, expecially one I can't trust. Spark, I hope you won't think I am a creepy stalker, but I went back and read some of your old posts. You sound so much like me. Wanting it to work, not wanting to have your family broken forever. Issues with the trickle of admissions so it never seems like its over. A lot of it I could have written myself. Are you at peace now? I can't find a single person on the planet who thinks I ought to keep trying with him. But I still can't quite give up. My IC says its because of my totally disfunctional childhood, I don't know when to quit on a relationship. Thanks for your thoughts.
Spark1111 Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 In the dictionary, under Dysfunctional childhood: "See Spark" it reads!:lmao: If you love him, you can give it time to see if he will keep his promise to change. But don't put any stock in it. You can't. That is just setting yourself up for more heartbreak if he does not. I got stronger! More independent, more sure of what I wanted and would or would not tolerate in a marriage. I made myself very clear in that regard as I anticipated, forced myself to focus on, a good future without him. And I started working towards that future. Some call this the "180," but I did it without reading about it and I guess that is exactly what I did. Who knew my self-preservation instincts were as good as they were? Not me, not for a while, but then again, I did survive a dysfunctional childhood so maybe they were there all along, just buried in my love for this man. You have them too. Ressurect them, trust your gut, do not do anything that makes you feel unsafe, and build for yourself a happy and bright, fun, fun, fun future. And let him figure himself out because....it really is about time, don't you think? You need to figure out why you tolerate unacceptable behavior (childhood) and what you plan to change about yourself in that regard. No easy task! Good luck to you.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Oh gosh hello! I Am notoriously not a relational quitter because I was abandoned as a child twice and see leaving someone (or even separating from them) as the worst most tragic traumatic thing you can do to someone else. Even if you are angry and don't trust them! Even if they treated you like dog poop! Oddly enough when they go that you get used to it and even come to count on it as sone kind of sick form of security, you even almost encourage them to stay sick and try to fix or take care of them so you get in this messed up sickening cycle. Almost like Munchausen's (sp?). When said unhealthy person starts to positively work on themselves, it completely undermines the cycle and makes you more insecure then ever. Because if they don't need you to fix or take care if them, they may not want or need you. It's very oddly enraging, it is very messed up too. In my case it has been extremely selfish, I haven't gotten out of my husband's way so that he can come home and complete the cycle with me. The cycle is more comforting then facing the reality that as a healthy individual we may very well have no bond together, aside from the fact that he could look at me as his former screwed-up wife. And then, I would be cast aside once again.
BlackHole Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Imagine a dartboard with your parents face as the background. Throw.
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