MJ2 Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 (edited) As rough as it may be when things end against your will, it's a hundred times harder when u have to send your child back and forth to the home your ex now shares with an affair partner. It's been somewhat traumatizing to know that my babies are being cared for by my ex finacees girlfriend - a woman whom i hate and have never even met. Its grated against every primitive protective instinct that i have inside. The situation sucks but I can't fight the fact that my children will be spending time with this woman, whom to me, is the personification of evil but not necessarily to my kids. Ive had no choice except to rise above it. The only way I've been able to do that is by compartmentalizing and choosing my battles. Our relationship ended a year and a half ago & luckily I made it this long without having a nervous breakdown. Yesterday was the first time in a long time, that I had to fight back the tears. When I picked our children up, they were having a get together w friends for supper. I saw her - And all of his friends, whom I used to call my close friends - laughing and carrying on as if theyd been bffs for years. All last night, I found myself feeling so empty. I have moved on with my life. I've been seeing somebody for several months now. The dust finally settled and I'm comfortable with my new life. Ive forgiven him for The heartache he caused me and our twins. I want him to be happy. I'm just wondering if it's a struggle I'll always have to deal with? You know, The random little triggers that make me wonder what if. What if i was still the one he knew better than himself. Not her. What would the boys lives be like if they cld grow up with mom and dad under the same roof. What if I could go back in time and stop their affair before it ever started. What if I wouldve taken that high paying job instead of sacraficing it so he could work on advancing his career. I work so hard to stay strong and try to avoid situations that may give me a glimps of their life together. It's just impossible to dodge them all I guess. Things always get better with time. Edited March 9, 2011 by MJ2
Author MJ2 Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 I'm worried about why it upset me so much. I thought Id finally reached a point where i was able to accept things for what they are and moved on. But clearly I still have some healing to do. words of encouragement &/or advice would be very much appreciated:)) thank you...
GreenPolicy Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 A woman I work with went through something similar, although her ex-husband didn't cheat on her. He did start dating a woman while they were separated that he eventually married. My friend was very upset about it, that he had a new partner that she had to send her son to spend time with on the weekends in their nice new house while she had to live in an apartment. Well the guy she's with now is a much better man than her ex-husband and she's very happy with him. She gets her son 70 percent of the time. As painful as that process was, she's MUCH happier with her new boyfriend. But she wouldn't have the new guy if she were still married and miserable with the ex-husband.
BlindRage Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 I'm sorry for what you're going through. I guess I am lucky that there werent any kids because I couldn't imagine having to witness that sort of family "gathering". You are a very strong women. Congratulations Keep your head high like you have been. I hate the triggers too. What if I could go back in time and stop their affair before it ever started.. Believe me even if you had stopped their affair he would have probably gone with another. It was bound to happen.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 As rough as it may be when things end against your will, it's a hundred times harder when u have to send your child back and forth to the home your ex now shares with an affair partner. It's been somewhat traumatizing to know that my babies are being cared for by my ex finacees girlfriend - a woman whom i hate and have never even met. Its grated against every primitive protective instinct that i have inside. The situation sucks but I can't fight the fact that my children will be spending time with this woman, whom to me, is the personification of evil but not necessarily to my kids. Ive had no choice except to rise above it. The only way I've been able to do that is by compartmentalizing and choosing my battles. Our relationship ended a year and a half ago & luckily I made it this long without having a nervous breakdown. Yesterday was the first time in a long time, that I had to fight back the tears. When I picked our children up, they were having a get together w friends for supper. I saw her - And all of his friends, whom I used to call my close friends - laughing and carrying on as if theyd been bffs for years. All last night, I found myself feeling so empty. I have moved on with my life. I've been seeing somebody for several months now. The dust finally settled and I'm comfortable with my new life. Ive forgiven him for The heartache he caused me and our twins. I want him to be happy. I'm just wondering if it's a struggle I'll always have to deal with? You know, The random little triggers that make me wonder what if. What if i was still the one he knew better than himself. Not her. What would the boys lives be like if they cld grow up with mom and dad under the same roof. What if I could go back in time and stop their affair before it ever started. What if I wouldve taken that high paying job instead of sacraficing it so he could work on advancing his career. I work so hard to stay strong and try to avoid situations that may give me a glimps of their life together. It's just impossible to dodge them all I guess. Things always get better with time. Hunhhhhhhhhhh? You haven't moved on at all. You are blaming the wrong person for the affair, and yet she's somebody whom you have never even met. You are neither "rising above it" nor are you making your children the priority in all of this. Not only that, but now you tell of a new partner, and you're subjecting him (??) to all of this as well. Please recalibrate "rising above it" and then do so at once.
Author MJ2 Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 (edited) Hunhhhhhhhhhh? You haven't moved on at all. You are blaming the wrong person for the affair, and yet she's somebody whom you have never even met. You are neither "rising above it" nor are you making your children the priority in all of this. Not only that, but now you tell of a new partner, and you're subjecting him (??) to all of this as well. Please recalibrate "rising above it" and then do so at once. You are right. I thought I was over everything, but I had a wake up call. I didn't act out or tell anyone how I truly felt inside after seeing them. I had a moment of weakness and I'm trying to understand why & if its normal. I was fine the next morning but I can't help how I felt for that moment in time. I'm not perfect, I have my flaws. Trying to work on them so I can be a better person and mother. I wish my health insurance covered therapy!! Lol Ive very much so made my children the priority in this situation. I never told my kids to hate her - nor did i expect them to. I actually want my kids to love this woman even though I don't - i want them to have a happy childhood. They have been living together for almost a year. it was a tough pill to swallow the first time I left my boys with them for the wknd. My kids will never know how much I struggled then, to accept the situation. I wanted to run away with my kids and never come back. Never allow her the chance to be a part of the childrens lives. But did I? Of course not. I did what was best for them. Edited March 9, 2011 by MJ2
aeren944 Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Hi MJ2, Well, I know exactly what you're going through. My ex-fiancee cheated on me (with another woman) and now lives with that woman, and I'm forced to know that every time I went to go pick up or drop off my kids. First, no, I don't think you're over it, but neither am I. It's been about 10 months since we broke up, and I still have a hard time sometimes. I completely understand what you're saying about how she's the embodiment of evil, and a piece of sh** because of what she did to your family... at least, that's how I saw it. Previous posters are right, though, she's not the one you should really be mad at. You know that, I bet. But, I DO think it's absolutely, completely normal to react that way to seeing her with him and all the "old friends". Honestly, the same thing happened to me 2 months ago. I picked my kids up on her birthday, saw her current GF on the porch with some old "friends" and I snapped. I went home and it was as bad as it was at the very beginning. It sucked bad. So, hopefully it's normal, or we're both in trouble. Anyway, what I do to think about it, is picture all the crap my ex put me through, and then I picture that other girl dealing with it. I haven't been able to totally forgive my ex, yet, and you're luckier than me since you've found someone new and you're able to pick up and move on with your life. I'm trying that, just farther behind on the path than you. Anyway, I just wanted to message you and tell you that I'm going through the SAME thing, and it's totally normal to get upset. Your moment of weakness is over, carry on.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 You are right. I thought I was over everything, but I had a wake up call. I didn't act out or tell anyone how I truly felt inside after seeing them. I had a moment of weakness and I'm trying to understand why & if its normal. I was fine the next morning but I can't help how I felt for that moment in time. I'm not perfect, I have my flaws. Trying to work on them so I can be a better person and mother. I wish my health insurance covered therapy!! Lol Ive very much so made my children the priority in this situation. I never told my kids to hate her - nor did i expect them to. I actually want my kids to love this woman even though I don't - i want them to have a happy childhood. They have been living together for almost a year. it was a tough pill to swallow the first time I left my boys with them for the wknd. My kids will never know how much I struggled then, to accept the situation. I wanted to run away with my kids and never come back. Never allow her the chance to be a part of the childrens lives. But did I? Of course not. I did what was best for them. Yes, that moment of weakness was/is "normal". And it sounds as if your mind wants to deal with everything directly - which is really encouraging. Just give yourself more time, and find a friend in whom you can and will really CONFIDE about all of this. Maybe even create a timeline in your head which says that, say, by two years from NOW you fully anticipate interacting on a calm and steady level WITH that mis-designated representative of all that went wrong with your marriage. The very fact that you are addressing all of these feelings puts you miles ahead of so many others. (I'm slightly regretting the fact that you have 'boys', instead of girls, as they would be more sensitive to how you have been affected, and at some point sooner or later would be a means of inspiration and some small source of support) (*** and of course it is surely taboo to put upon children of either gender the responsibility of being a significant source of support... but I just think girls would 'care' more, and would let you know)
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