Butterfly5525 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 This past Friday (the 4th), I had gone two weeks of complete NC with my ex. He had been continuing to send me texts & leave me voice mail messages every single day but I had been completely ignoring him for the last two weeks. However, all of that changed this past Friday, the 4th. Here's what happened... Last Thursday night, I'd been thinking about how just because my ex & I weren't together anymore, it seemed kind of silly for me to also feel like I had to give up being friends with the people/friends I had met through him. There was one girl in particular that I used to really enjoy spending time with. So, I decided to send her a friend request on FB just to say hi, how are you, etc. On Fri. morning, I saw that she had approved my friend request so I went on her page & sent her a quick friendly email. While looking at her page, I happened to notice right away that my ex was listed right near the top of her friend list. So, I decided to click on his page. (Yes, I know that was really stupid of me. However, I'd already been looking at his page on a fairly regular basis although there was really nothing to see (normally) since he has his FB page set to private). However, when I looked at his page this time, everything looked exactly the same except for one glaringly obvious difference. This time, you could see his relationship status & it showed that he was in a relationship with ____. (He must have had his privacy settings set up so that friends of friends could see this). Words can't even express how upset I was when I saw that (at that moment much more angry & sad). Now, we're broken up so obviously he had every right to be out there dating & sleeping with whoever he wanted to. However, he had been contacting me every single day (on average 3 times a day, occasionally as few as once a day & sometimes several times a day). He continued trying to contact me every single day even when I went total NC with him for two weeks straight!! He kept contacting me like this after I had already asked him (repeatedly) to please just leave me alone & not contact me AT ALL unless & until he was serious about wanting to be in a relationship with me again because I told him I didn't want to be just friends with him or just casually date him while he was also seeing other girls. Clearly, he didn't respect my feelings about that since he just kept on contacting me. When I asked him once recently why he just kept on contacting me, he told me it was because he was scared that if he didn't contact me every day, that I'd forget all about him & find some new guy to be with. I was so angry when I found out he had a new girlfriend because I thought it was just totally wrong that here he was sending ME messages EVERY day saying things like please call me, I miss you, are you seeing anyone? I hope not, etc. Around 3:00 AM last Friday, the 4th (same day I found out he was in a relationship with some other girl), he sent me four texts in a row that said stuff like "I miss you lots. I've been thinking about you alot lately". One text even said "I still love you. I'm just dumb". When I saw those texts, I just ignored them & my plan was to keep up with complete NC cuz even though I hoped to reconcile, he wasn't actually asking me to be his girlfriend again. When I saw on his FB page last Fri. that he actually had a new GF, I was just so, so angry. I just couldn't even believe that he'd have the nerve to send me messages like that telling me he misses me & loves me when he was seeing some other girl exclusively. So, I contacted his new GF by sending her an email on FB. (I now really regret doing that as it resulted in MAJOR drama). I normally am not at all a vengeful person (honestly!), but I was just so incredibly hurt and angry due to how often he was contacting me & the kind of messages he was leaving me. She emailed me back almost immediately. I didn't in any way directly encourage her to break up with him but I did tell her hey, these are the texts he sent me this morning & he's been contacting me every single day (even after I asked him not to) & I thought you deserved to know that. I figured she might not believe me so I offered to forward the texts to her on her phone. She told me she did believe me but asked me to forward the texts anyways to her phone & so I did. She even called me & we talked (only for maybe 5 or 10 minutes max). She was really nice to me as I was to her (as it's not like she did anything wrong) & she thanked me for letting her know. She said she really appreciated it. (Still would NOT recommend it to anyone in a similar situation as it did end up causing MAJOR drama)!! I also let her know how he had tried contacting me literally about 10 times recently on my birthday (a few weeks ago) asking go out me if I'd like to go out to dinner with him that day. (Even though I had no clue at the time that he was seeing someone else exclusively, I still ignored him completely because I was trying really hard to stick with the whole NC thing). He now claims that he never met would have actually gone to dinner with me on my birthday. He says he was just trying to get me to pick up the phone & talk to him. (Yeah right)!! To make a long story short, later that same night, she dumped him. (She told me on the phone earlier that she'd already been leaning towards breaking up with him because I guess things hadn't been going that great between them the last week or so they were together). He then called me up & he was so angry at me for as he put it, ruining things between them. He yelled at me on the phone & called me practically every name in the book. The next day, Saturday he kept calling & texting me, like incessantly. Since I was still really angry about the whole situation, I ignored him all Friday night and all day & night Saturday. Sunday afternoon, I made the mistake of picking up the phone to ask him to leave me alone & stop contacting me. At first, he was all friendly & then he asked me please be his girlfriend again. I told him that I couldn't even believe he had the nerve to ask me to be his gf again almost immediately after this other girl dumped him! I was SO angry & sad that he'd do that because I had let him know for like the past two months that I would really like us to be bf & gf again & instead of choosing to be with me when I gave him the chance (repeatedly), he had chosen to ask this other girl to be his gf instead! I just can't even believe that he expected me to go flying right back into his arms & get back together with him immediately because of course I would have felt like he wasn't necessarily with me because he really WANTED to be but maybe only because this other girl was no longer an option! He kept persisting on Sunday & yesterday to try to talk me into going out with him & when he finally realized that I wasn't about to bend & just immediately get back together with him, he was SO angry!! From the way he was yelling, I was really getting worried because he was acting like he was about to lose it. (I'm sure he wasn't too happy because he had basically just had two girls reject him at basically the same time). He said some really mean, awful things to me (that made me cry). Also, before he had asked me back out & while he was still ranting & raving about how mad he was that I screwed things up with him & this other girl, he negatively compared me to her in a number of ways & that upset me so, so much. Yet he expects me just a few days later to already have forgived him for all the mean stuff he said to me?? Not to mention the fact that he chose to date someone exclusively & have sex with them when he could have been doing that with me instead??? Also, when I said no to going back out with him, he actually had the nerve to be like "Fine, then I'll see if ___ wants to be with me" who is the girl that had just dumped him!! He clearly was acting like he had the attitude of he didn't seem to really care WHICH one of us would be his GF,like either of us would do&he really thinks that's supposed to make me feel special?? Yesterday, I called my cell phone company & had my phone number changed. I had asked him to give me space right now because I was feeling so upset & p***ed off about everything, yet he just kept on trying to contact me alot & I just couldn't deal with it anymore, especially since he was still continuing to leave me some really angry sounding messages including some where he was practically demanding that I go back out with him rather than asking nicely & being all super apologetic about things. At that point, he hadn't apologetic AT ALL. He stopped by my apartment both yesterday & today but I just ignored him & didn't answer the door as I'm still really angry right now. Yesterday, he left a card for me in my mailbox. Today when he came by, he left another card as well as a dozen roses for me. The roses were beautiful & the card he left today was very romantic but at this point I'm still keeping up with ignoring him because I am still just SO angry & upset about the whole situation! I'd hoped for quite some time that we could reconcile as I do love him alot. We dated for three years & I loved him so much that I'd hoped to someday marry him & have a family with him. So, now he's finally giving me the chance to reconcile with him but this is not at all the way I'd wanted it to happen. I mean, how could I not feel like he was only choosing to be with me since his first choice dumped him?? Also, some of the mean comments he made the other day had to do with my weight. So, if he's not going to be satisfied with my body, why would he even want to be with me or me with him?? I've been trying to work out more & I'm working on losing weight but I know that at my current size (14), he's probably not going to be satisfied with me since he complained about my weight after the last time he saw me (& I've only lost a couple of pounds since then). I really hope he's not going to come by my house yet again tomorrow as I just don't ed want to see him right now. I need more time to think about things & have space from him. In the card he left for me yesterday, he asked meto please call him from a restricted number. I guess because he knows I'm not about to give him my new cell phone number right now. I didn't call him though. He's blocked now from being able to email me but he has been sending me text messages through yahoo instant messenger which I've also been ignoring. On those messages, he's been saying stuff like he's so sorry for everything that's happened, etc. Any thoughts/input would be much appreciated.
Author Butterfly5525 Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 Okay, now I'm crying. Just logged into yahoo IM & there was an offline message from him that he'd sent me earlier today. He said "Please check your front porch. I'm coming over to take you to look at rings". (When I didn't answer the door when he came by earlier today, he left the card & roses for me on the front porch). I know when he said the ring thing, that he was referring to taking me to look at engagement rings. So, that just really upsets me because for one thing, he ALREADY took me to look at engagement rings (his idea) a long time ago after we broke up & he certainly never ended up buying a ring & proposing to me. Looking back now, I think he only did that because he was desperate to try to see me. A big reason we broke up is because after 3 years together, I was ready to take things to the next level with him (marriage, kids) & he apparently wasn't ready for that (with me anyways) so we both went our separate ways. He kept trying for months to convince me to forget the whole engagement/marriage thing (for now anyways) & just get back together with him as bf&gf. Because I love him so much, he finally wore me down & I finally agreed a few months ago to be his gf again. Last I knew, he'd decided that maybe he was having fun being single & maybe he just wanted to be single for awhile. So, you can imagine how much it hurt me to find out that he actually went ahead & asked someone else to be his gf. I just can't even believe he wanted to (supposedly) take me to go look at engagement rings today (for the second time).
betterdeal Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 He's hugely unstable. I'm surprised you're even entertaining the idea of dating someone who is so needy, desperate, self-centred, unstable, tiresome, a complete drain on your energy. He left. He hasn't changed. He will get a little thrill if you date him again, because he, like a dog, has learnt a new trick - he can have sex with any woman he likes just so long as he dumps you then charms you with flowers and hollow promises. It's up to you if you want to be part of that.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 You keep talking about NC but I don't think you even know what that means. NC is no contact for the sake of moving on, not to be used as a manipulation tactic to keep your ex coming back. Do you like the fact that your bf is begging you? Because I can you see do so much more than accept crumbs from this man. Your relationship with this man went down the drain the minute he walked away. His behaviour only reinforces that you will get no happiness from him. If a ring and a marriage can make you happy, it will be shortlived. You'll end up being his baby mama but it won't stop him from seeking out women or cheat on you later on.
Author Butterfly5525 Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 Thanks for your input better & xpaper. xpaper, I've read alot on here & in books about NC & I do understand that NC should be used as a way to move on & not as a manipulation tool to try to get the ex back. I had been doing NC to try to move on since I realized that staying in touch with him was making it nearly impossible for me to truly move on. However, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't at least a little hopeful that maybe at some point the ex & I would be able to successfully reconcile. Again though, this is not all the circumstances I was hoping to reconcile under. He actually just tried stopping by (again) a few minutes ago. I guess maybe I'm going to have to say something to him to ask him to stop coming by because I don't want to see him right now & I don't want him bothering my neighbors (or me) by continuing to stop by all the time. Do you guys think I should send him a text via yahoo IM asking him to please stop coming by or do you think I should just keep ignoring him & hope he gets the message? Problem with that though is that he tends to be pretty persistent so even if I ask him to leave me alone, it doesn't mean he's going to give up & stop trying anytime soon. Also, I guess some people might say that if he keeps coming by to calls the cops on him but I'd really rather not do that unless it's absolutely necessary.
ffred Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 What a horrible realisation. I felt that awful twisting pain in my gut when you said that you saw his facebook relationship status. I can't really believe how similar your story is to mine at the moment - apart from I thought that the best way for me to move on was to stay cordial with him, and I thought it was working until the other day. On Sunday I finally told him that there was no coming back. He had made his choice and that if, in 6 months time, he changed his mind, he had no right to tell me that. We had a nice coffee and I thought that was that. Little did I realise that he had been seeing someone else, but that she had told him on Friday that she didn't want a boyfriend. Suddenly he decided he wanted to get back together. I got a message saying that he did love me after all! There are complicating factors, in that he has a problem with alcohol (i posted another thread about this) and has been drinking for a few days, but when I went to check that he was still alive last night he kept saying we should get back together. He knew by this stage that I had found out about the other girl by checking his phone, but he didn't know that she had replied to my ranting text to her (same as you except text rather than facebook!) and told me what she had told him. I didn't even fully make the time sequence connections in my mind until this morning. So basically, because he can't be with her, he's decided I'll do after all. All of a sudden the fact that I want to settle down and have babies isn't an issue. I have just sent him a message saying that I will never be anyone's second choice, and I really think with your guy you needto stick to this too. I completely understand that desire to get back together - I am struggling with that a lot at the moment, and it is worsened by the fact that I'm scared about his health - but he sounds like a ****. I won't write the word but you know what I'm trying to say! Mine is as well. I still love him. I find it hard t o switch that off. Last night he told me he had only wanted to have sex with her, and that he loved me, and despite all the evidence to the contrary I really wanted to believe him. But there is NO WAY i could handle having a relationship with him now that it has fully dawned on me what he has done. As far as your ex coming around all the time goes, I would call the police if it doesn't stop. It's got crazy psycho written all over it. The other thing is, do you have anything over him? A friend of my friend was getting increasingly stalkerish behaviour from her ex, but she knew about something he had done wrong at work, and threatened to let his employer know if he didn't leave her alone. It worked....
xpaperxcutx Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Thanks for your input better & xpaper. xpaper, I've read alot on here & in books about NC & I do understand that NC should be used as a way to move on & not as a manipulation tool to try to get the ex back. I had been doing NC to try to move on since I realized that staying in touch with him was making it nearly impossible for me to truly move on. However, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't at least a little hopeful that maybe at some point the ex & I would be able to successfully reconcile. Again though, this is not all the circumstances I was hoping to reconcile under. He actually just tried stopping by (again) a few minutes ago. I guess maybe I'm going to have to say something to him to ask him to stop coming by because I don't want to see him right now & I don't want him bothering my neighbors (or me) by continuing to stop by all the time. Do you guys think I should send him a text via yahoo IM asking him to please stop coming by or do you think I should just keep ignoring him & hope he gets the message? Problem with that though is that he tends to be pretty persistent so even if I ask him to leave me alone, it doesn't mean he's going to give up & stop trying anytime soon. Also, I guess some people might say that if he keeps coming by to calls the cops on him but I'd really rather not do that unless it's absolutely necessary. No, you keep to NC. Don't text him or write him. Don't even respond to his calls. If he tries to see you at your place again, tell your family ( and/or your siblings). He's bordering on harrassment here. I can tell you right now, if you want someone out of your life, it's very simple: don't let them in.
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