laRubiaBonita Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 i see it as a topic on LS a lot... "have I settled" "should i settle so i will not be alone" i think there is a MAJOR diffence in settle with someone because you are taking what you can get so you will not 'die alone' And settle with a person because they are basically the yin to your yang even if they didn't initially knock your socks off. it seems that Settling is now a negative term- when it shouldn't be, unless you are settling for some lousy shame to the human race. how is it a bad thing to settle down with someone? especially if it someone that you love and you both enjoy each other and enrich each others lives? how is it bad that maybe that person doesn't have your dream date's physical appearance, but you have learned that looks aren't everything, and this person treats you like you should have been treated by al the losers you dated previously? how is it bad?
Scottdmw Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I agree, I think people overuse this word. I think settling can be bad if someone decides to be with someone that they are not attracted to. However, a lot of people refuse to “settle” with someone that they ARE attracted to because that person is not their ideal image of a mate. Perhaps the person does not have the physical characteristics they want, a good enough job, physically beautiful enough, slim enough, tall enough, or some other thing like that. People can make a choice to not be with someone under those circumstances, to not “settle”, but I think that's more likely to cause a person to end up alone for long periods of time. People get very attached to their list of “requirements” that they must have in a mate. They don't realize how low the odds are that they will actually meet someone that has everything on their list. The test for me is that if a person goes more than one year without a relationship, unless they are recovering from a serious heartbreak or ridiculously busy, they are being too picky. Everyone has SOMEONE who will like them, even the people that say they have no options usually really do, they are just options they don't want to consider. Scott
runner Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 i see it as a topic on LS a lot... "have I settled" "should i settle so i will not be alone" i think there is a MAJOR diffence in settle with someone because you are taking what you can get so you will not 'die alone' And settle with a person because they are basically the yin to your yang even if they didn't initially knock your socks off. it seems that Settling is now a negative term- when it shouldn't be, unless you are settling for some lousy shame to the human race. how is it a bad thing to settle down with someone? especially if it someone that you love and you both enjoy each other and enrich each others lives? how is it bad that maybe that person doesn't have your dream date's physical appearance, but you have learned that looks aren't everything, and this person treats you like you should have been treated by al the losers you dated previously? how is it bad? i like where you're going with this. i think 'settling' tends to get a bad rep in ultra-competitive societies like the US because it implies failure; the idea that you've somehow failed yourself, and failed to live up to society's standards. it's a bunch of crap. if one's goal is ultimately to be in a healthy and happy relationship i think it's perfectly fine, and in many cases necessary, to shift your expectations and refine your strategy to something that actually works out in the end. but again this sense of 'compromise' is just unnacceptable, because only losers concede 'defeat' likewise i find equal danger when someone doesn't actually have any standards and is only with someone for the fear of being alone- but that's another thread in itself.
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 i see it as a topic on LS a lot... "have I settled" "should i settle so i will not be alone" i think there is a MAJOR diffence in settle with someone because you are taking what you can get so you will not 'die alone' And settle with a person because they are basically the yin to your yang even if they didn't initially knock your socks off. it seems that Settling is now a negative term- when it shouldn't be, unless you are settling for some lousy shame to the human race. how is it a bad thing to settle down with someone? especially if it someone that you love and you both enjoy each other and enrich each others lives? how is it bad that maybe that person doesn't have your dream date's physical appearance, but you have learned that looks aren't everything, and this person treats you like you should have been treated by al the losers you dated previously? how is it bad? I think people give up too easily. This society has become more and more selfish, ME ME ME and MY happiness, I want to feel good ALL the time. That's why so many break up and/or cheat. If one doesn't FEEL that intensity of LOVE/LUST basically all the time, well, something must be wrong right? Forget sacrficing, that's become a negative thing too. If one puts another before themselves, kids/family unit, it's poo-poo'd on now, instead of it being a good thing. Anyway I see nothing wrong if two people love eachother, care about one another, are good for one another and want to stay together even if the fireworks and stars aren't there and it's what they want, who's to say anything negative about that? It's their choice and it makes them happy. Not everybody wants that intense passion and lust 24/7, drama filled lives that keep the intensity going. Some people forget to stop and smell the flowers, enjoy the smaller things in life. Some have to have the stars and pure happiness ALL THE TIME to make their lives enjoyable. It's too extreme. Just my 2 cents.
alphamale Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 everyone has to "settle" in some aspect of their life
Author laRubiaBonita Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 thanks responders! all excellent points so far.... and on the lines of my OP.
somedude81 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Unfortunately, it seems that many young women refuse to settle. It's because of that fact, that my life is the way it is.
Feelin Frisky Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 "settling" is not "settling down". Settling is what you alluded to in the OP--staying in a relationship that isn't working out or is rocky rather than facing being alone. Sometimes people can "settle" and get along and aim low and not be terribly unhappy. But more often than not "settling" means starting off having already seen the best days of a relationship. I pitty some of the people I know who have settled. It's a prision.
creighton0123 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 To settle is to take someone you're with, knowing that they're not the best for you and you're not the best for them, and to agree to stay together because "it's better than being alone". That attitude can only ever lead to a sub par and most unremarkable relationship. This is not to be confused with settling down with someone, where nothing about the relationship is unremarkable and everything about the relationship, both the good and the bad, is beautiful.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Settling = being with someone who you're not attracted to. This doesn't always mean looks. It can mean personality, too. I could be with a beauty queen, but if she has the personality of a brick, then that would be a no-go. I would be settling, and unhappy. Then again, if I was with a girl who was a little chubby, average looking, yet she had an award winning personality, then I would not be settling.
Duckduckgoose Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 You can fix fat and ugly (diet exercise and makeover), but you can't fix stupid Good point Litm
proactivedreamer Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I think people give up too easily. This society has become more and more selfish, ME ME ME and MY happiness, I want to feel good ALL the time. That's why so many break up and/or cheat. If one doesn't FEEL that intensity of LOVE/LUST basically all the time, well, something must be wrong right? Forget sacrficing, that's become a negative thing too. If one puts another before themselves, kids/family unit, it's poo-poo'd on now, instead of it being a good thing. Anyway I see nothing wrong if two people love eachother, care about one another, are good for one another and want to stay together even if the fireworks and stars aren't there and it's what they want, who's to say anything negative about that? It's their choice and it makes them happy. Not everybody wants that intense passion and lust 24/7, drama filled lives that keep the intensity going. Some people forget to stop and smell the flowers, enjoy the smaller things in life. Some have to have the stars and pure happiness ALL THE TIME to make their lives enjoyable. It's too extreme. Just my 2 cents. I definitely agree with everything you said. I definitely see this "me me me" mentality. It's unfortunate, and it might be because our family values and overall values seem to be deteriorating over time. I am not sure what it means for the future of humanity but there is definitely a great deal of disconnection going on in relationships. It is troubling but it only makes me reflect on what I am willing to give and what sort of efforts I am willing to make for the "right" person. It is really important to understand that relationships are not perfect and that nothing in life is linear. People have to start learning not to quit when the going gets tough. Sometimes, we have to quit but I think people are quiting their relationships before they even have chance to become anything substantial. I,especially, think we all have to be more careful of this once we decide to bring children into the world.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 The last guy I was with, I was settling. I knew he liked me and thought he would treat me well. He did like me, and the sex was decent but he was the most passive aggressive person I have ever met. When I got pregnant, it was worse. I left him when I was 6 months pregnant. I can honestly say though, that if it weren't for that I wouldn't have my little boy now. His picture is in my profile, and he was worth it. His father? Well... let's just say I will never settle again. I prefer being alone to settling just to stave off loneliness.
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