My LC diary -stop me pining and get me moving!!!!

[Miss_G]

Ok, so you only have to look at my last posts to know that my break up journey with ex. In a nutshell: together 3 years, 18m child together, lived together briefly, split 6 months ago, on and off all this time, ex wanting to working on things but dragging feet alot and then BAM(!) at Christmas he decides he does not anymore. He just wants to be 'friends' but go out as a family and do things together. Quite clearly enjoying spending time with me, has told me that he does still loves me and cares for me deeply and sometimes still feels 'in love with me' but at this moment in time just 'cannot handle a relationship'. He also says he is still 'hurting' because I initiated split but tried to reconcile within hours!! He says I became a bitch, which I was but had PND, and that he was 'taking control back'. This was in the beginning although he said he was still 'hurting' a couple of weeks ago.

 

Anyway, I told him no more family outings unless we worked towards getting back. He said he needed to think about it but I pretty much knew he didn't care anymore. I made a concious decision (after being a bit of a wimp for many months now!) to move on with my life and go into LC. I have told him I would no longer be his 'friend'. I feel he wants me in his life but doesn't want to commit. I told him, it's all or nothing. He text me to say that he would like child alone on Weds. I made no big deal. Simply said 'thats fine' and left it at that.

 

I have entered LC and have been in relative LC since Thursday. Ex is coming to collect child tomorrow and sent me a 'sign off' text saying "see you tomorrow". I have no mentioned that I am working tomorrow and therefore when he comes to collect child he will see on my mum. He will see me in the evening but I'm making an effort to only see him once a week or so and not be there when he collects or drops off baby. He needs to stop the comfort of thinking 'well, I'll see her when I pick child up and drop child off.' I want him to feel that sensation of not knowing when he will see me again.

 

I'm up and down like a yo-yo and need someone to talk to, someone to listen and a place to vent. I'm in the stage where I either wanted to cry or just go to bed and never wake up. Imagining life without him is a knife to the heart but I can't justify allowing this to go on when this man who 'loved me unconditionally' can just dump me. He says there is no one else. I'm not so sure. I just want some happiness in my life

[Miss_G]

It's been over a week since I'm cutting myself off from my ex. He came to drop baby off the other day and I could sense he was hanging around and he started to initiate conversation. He began asking me about work, telling me about his work and various other things. He stayed for 15 minutes or so just stood on my doorstep talking. Usually, he would dump baby and leave.

Then, the next day, I agreed to drop baby off at his house on my way to lunch with a friend. I was quite dressed up and I made a point of not mentioning who I was going to see. I asked ex if my childs coat had been left and he invited me in to look around. Remember, this is our home. The home I have been more or less forced from and seemed to have been kept away from. He invited me in, I had a quick nosy around and again he started making conversation. I cut him off and told him I was late for lunch. Again, not telling him who I was going with.

His texts seem to be much friendlier. Hes making big converations instead of the normal 'what time should I pick **** up?' etc.

I don't know why but I just believe this isn't the end of us. But I'm trying to detatch myself from NEEDING to be with him alone. For example, I was depressed when we first stopped going out as a family because I knew that we wouldn't be alone anymore but I'm feeling more positive now that I'm used to the idea of not going out. I've been feeling strong and quite happy really. Feeling good about my life and the future.

But I keep dipping and when I think about life without him I get this HORRENDOUS lurch in my stomach. I can't believe how perfect we were and how awful it has ended. I genuinely believe this would be the one that stuck and I've never been so happy than I was with him. I've not just lost my partner but my best friend

[Trovador]

I am not qualified in the least to offer you some advice, but I'd like to say something: in the end, games don't pay off, while keeping an aura of mystery is good (according to gurus of love), this should be done in a natural way, like going to a real date!

 

But what do I know, I'm here struggling with a failed relationship but at least I read your thread and wish you good luck!

[Miss_G]

I did try to play games hoping to bring him back. This time I am genuinely moving on with life. I have hope that one day he will come back but I realise the chances are minimal. I just want to be happy and at this moment, he does not so I need to find it elsewhere.

Thank you for reading and I hope ill be able to give you advice too

[Miss_G]

Ex just dropped baby off and has been acting very strange. He gave a funny look when I mentioned the man who is taking our son's Saturday Fun Club is 'about 25' (we're 24 so he's our age). He seemed a little concerned that I was meeting men my age.

He dropped baby off and said "Oh he's tired. I'll give you a ring later." I said ok but why he is ringing I don't understand. I don't know what there is to talk about. He's going away so perhaps it's about that but since we split we've never RANG each other. It's always been texts. Suddenly he's not calling me last night and this evening. He said this morning, "we can never just sort things out can we, it takes us ages to organise things". He was laughing implying that was the reason for the call last night but our sons arrangements were made BEFORE the call and he rang to discuss work and things.

Are these breadcrumbs or is he missing me? I'm not mentioning our relationship at all which is what I used to do. I was always questioning what he was doing. I'm just playing it cool and continuing moving on inbetween seeing him. Do you think he's sensing I'm moving away? I'm feeling slightly empowered ha!

[Trovador]

Overanalyzing what he did or said isn't helping you at all... it's crazy to look for meaning in words and acts, even if there was such meaning... all those wasted hours thinking of our exes won't make them love us or coming back to us...

 

But by being cool you are doing fine, I never could do that, I always was too emotional for my own good...

[Miss_G]

It's been two/nearly three weeks since official LC, split, etc. I was feeling confident at first, then I dipped, then I went up again, and now I'm dipping again :/

There are several things contributing to this:

I feel so miserable about going out and looking for someone new. I miss having someone in my life and although I know that it will not be my ex again, the thought of someone else is just not doing it for me! Maybe it's because I was so used to my ex and don't particularly fancy anyone at the minute. Everybody always seems to have something wrong with them. I've been introduced to someone who I found very attractive but soon realised he was 2 years younger and I am about 99% certain that he would not be able to commit to a relationship with someone who has a child.

My ex was the main provider in our household and has an excellent well paid career. He bought the majority of the home we lived in. I did have a small share and will get that back when we sell. I am currently living with my mum which is very kind of her as she does help out with the baby. But there is little room here and I constantly feel like I'm walking on egg shells as my older brother is less than happy that there is now a toddler waking him at all hours before work (he does love my son though and plays and cuddles with him, it's not the BABY himself that he can't cope with). I worked out my finances believing that in a year or so I would be able to buy my own home. This, however, does not appear to be the case and although I could managed to buy somewhere I would not to able to afford anywhere near my mum!

I feel like I've hit a dead end. My job is stressing me out ridiculously, I've been very poorly this last week and am on a high dose of antibiotics. I work all day and then come home and flog myself to death caring for the baby and then, by the time he's in bed, it's time for me to go to bed.

I've been going out with friends, sometimes for a drink and a dance, or times just to go for some food and bowling. I do this once a week, maybe twice if I'm lucky, but still can't shed the guilt of leaving my son with my mother, although she says she's happy to have him and I usually do get him in bed before I go anyway. I've started going to exercise/dance classes and eat healthy to get me feeling good about my body. Nothing is working anymore. These things kept my occupied for a while but now I just feel down and out.

Ex has been ringing me to talk about visitation for our child but he has, for the past week or so, been making converastion (only slight) and told me the other day that my 'hair looked really nice' even though I'd just scraped it back. I thought for a little while that he was mellowing but he's now gone a little more distant.

Having him still in my life is hell. I can't move on at all! When I think I am I'm just getting nowhere. I like to believe there's a special somewhere out there for me and I'm waiting to meet him and that's why no one is popping up on the scene and ex and I are not getting back together but I just can't see it happening. I just feel like rubbish

[Konan]

You are in the stages of greif and the first piority is the child. I think it's great that he is involved in the helping looking after your little one but it sounds like you two need to work some stuff out.

 

What you need is a bit of distance for yourself and find that inner piece that you are so longing for right now. And my suggestion would be to do that alone but if the right person comes along then no harm if they can handle it. Either way it should not be the drive for you to get over your ex. You can only do that by yourself and through talking it out to someone who is understanding.

 

The relationship over the child should be set in stone between you two, in anyway possible. Once you have that you can work it out what you want from him on your side for you.

 

He sounds like he's a bit of a clown hat for what he has done in the past to you. But you must face the music and decide if you want to be alone and happy or with someone and not. Find that happiness in yourself before going for another relationship be it anyone and you wont regret it.

 

Get out of the game or refuse to play for a while... See how it pans out

[Miss_G]

I'm now on my 3rd week today since breaking the 'family outings', pining and begging stage. Before, I would constantly make comments about if my ex was seeing anyone else, if he'd been with anyone, if he wanted to get back together. Just being plain desperate really. And obviously we had our days out.

Like I said, 21 days with no seeing each other and reasonable LC. For me, the only LC I can do that is for my benefit really is to stay distant and not make any contact. Ex is still being friendly and calling instead of texting about the baby. This, obviously, leads to conversaiton.

I could cut him off completely and tell him I only want to discuss the baby but I don't want to cause tension. We have a child and I can see slight 'mellowings' in my ex and obviously I would love to work things out.

However, these last few weeks (despite the dips) is the first time I feel like I'm really moving on. I'm embracing the idea of having someone new in my life and knowing that the chances are that I will not be spending my life with ex. It still hurts because I do love him but I am starting to get on with life.

[Miss_G]

I'm feeling really down tonight I don't know why. Me and ex have been getting on ok. We were chatting slightly yesterday after he dropped our child off and he was discussing his brothers new girlfriend. He said that she is 'hated' by his family, perhaps more than me. He started laughing when he said this. And I laughed and said I was glad I was not the most hated anymore. He went serious and made a point of saying (3 times or so) "My family never hated you, they just disagreed with somethings you said/did." I also met his mother face-to-face since our arguement in October 2 days ago. Things were awkward but we were both friendly and ex even made a point of saying that his mother (who's a bit 'hard') said how nice I was to her.

I am going out for a few drinks tomorrow, my ex knows about this, and he made a point of saying 'I might see you tomorrow then'. I asked him if he was out and he said that he may well be and perhaps we'll bump into each other.

I'm feeling down as I know that we will not work things out. Things have both changed so much since the split and I do believe if we got together now that we would be maturer, better people and our relationship could be just as good, if not better, than it was before. There was so much love between us. We were pretty much 'perfect'. Everyone was so surprised when we split. I accidentally came across old pictures of us tonight and they have made me remember how wonderful we were and now I feel so down.

I need someone to talk me out of it. I'm making a point of not mentioning our relationship, whether we're working on things or what. I'm staying cool (something he told me I needed to, go with the flow). I worry I'll get drunk and make a prat of myself! Help!!!

[Miss_G]

Its now been about 6 weeks since I cut meetings/extreme friendly contact with ex. We are still speaking friendly and will have conversations when he dropped off our son. He is making absolutely no implications that he wants to get back together.

I do, however, feel much better about myself. I am spending lots of time with my son and my friends and just genuinely moving on with the attitude that 'what will be, will be'.

However, last night I was told that he has been 'chatting up' an exotic dancer although she had a boyfriend and turned him down. He's maintained that he has slept with no one and has no girlfriend. This may well be true but he is quite obviously 'getting his kicks' from other means if you understand me. I appreciate that he is a man but I feel let down that he is not as 'squeaky clean' as I thought he was. I have spent all night and morning wondering if he was cheating on me whilst we were together.

I do miss him badly and still get that sinking feeling when I think of life without him. But I am moving on, slowly. And, surprisingly, it doesn't hurt to think of him with someone else as much as it used to.

He is taking me to pick my car up today after he collects our son. I have no one else around to take me and he offered. I am desperately trying to stop myself wanting to ask him about this 'dancer'!!

[Miss_G]

Ok, so after the news of the 'dancer' I have now seen pictures of ex with arm around a girl on the internet (they are raunchy or anything, more friendly but I have never seen her before...no doubt she'll be some 'random' friend from college...I've heard that one before...)

I wasn't bothered at first, just a little gutted, but now I'm feeling a bit low. I think less for the fact that I want him back but more for the fact that I want to BE in a relationship. I have surpassed the stage of being single. I am a mum and crave a loving family for my son. I have, however, come to the realisation that the family unit he lives most of his life with will be with another man.

I am trying to move on and think I'm doing reasonably well. A few weeks back the pictures and rumours would have crushed me. To say I'm not upset would be a lie but I don't feel liek curling up and crying. I still have emotional ups and downs but I am moving on.

I'm foruntate to have a good support from my mum (although I have had problems with my brother that affects my relationship with her). At this moment in time everyone is getting along, I'm doing plenty of work and my finances are much better.

I have been spending plenty of time with my friends as well. I am lucky in that my mum is more than happy to have my LO and encourages me to keep my mind 'busy'. (Before I sound like a bad parent, I put my LO to bed BEFORE I leave to go anywhere with my friends and I am always home in the evening and there when he wakes...I'm not a 'stay out all night' kind of girl!)

I seem to be doing much better from spending time with my friends. I was feeling miserable the other night and within 10 seconds of meeting up with friends was hysterically laughing.

I just hope I meet someone soon, even if he is not the love of my life, just someone who I can talk to and date and will make me feel beautiful again