TigerCub Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 TigerCub...I agree, if the BS and WS decide to stay in the marriage and attempt reconciliation, the BS does eventually need to find a way to "deal with it" and work on getting past it. But in THEIR OWN time, not the time line of the WS. It's gonna take the BS as long as it takes to be able to work through the aftermath of the A and the WS just has to deal with that....or bail. I totally agree, it shouldn't be on the WS's timeline, and that WS would have to show real real remorse for their actions and show true effort to make things right. I completely agree with what you said. As someone that never had to face what OP is dealing with - I can only imagine what it would be like, and quite honestly I don't think I would be able to take someone that cheated on me back - simply because I wouldn't be able to get past the deceit. But if people make the choice to stay together (especially for their kids) I would hope that they take those kids into account when they consider a revenge affair. That's all....
WorldIsYours Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 I think you interpreted my response on your own. I never said - well tough buddy, just deal with it. But you did say deal with it. You know it's the same thing. I said, if he made a CHOICE to keep the cheating wife, then he needs to find a way to "deal with it" meaning he needs to be able to get past it somehow. LOL It's the same thing and you know it. You sugar-coat it. Basically he needs to get over it. OR else, what's the point of staying together? Oooooooohhh. "OR ELSE!":laugh: But you do have a point. What is the point of staying with a cheater? And what about her? If he needs to "get over it" (which will never happen, the pain will just go down to a small dot) then she needs to be remorseful and show him that she loves him, instead of being a bitch. I don't think that cheating is ever unintentional. Therefore I can certainly understand the pain and devestation that a BS would suffer. I notice one thing about cheaters and OM and OW. They all have the same calculated responses. If you understand his pain, why say get over it? However, if for whatever reason they make the choice to take back the WS, they need to be open to the idea of forgiving and moving past the issue. BSs are not obligated to do a damn thing when they get cheated on, even if they take back their cheating spouse. The wayward is the one that needs to be doing the heavy lifting and quit being selfish. I'm not saying that it has to be on the WS's timeline, and I'm certainly not saying that anyone can have it in them to take someone like that back. Then why say what you said? Why say if they take them back, they must forgive? When a cheater cheats, a betrayed spouse doesn't have to forgive them for anything, regardless if they stay or go. But that cheater better be ready to do some hard work and put up with their betrayed spouse when they vent at them. I just don't think that a revenge cheat (as tempting as it may be) would be the answer - I think it would defeat all the reasons tha the couple should be staying together for in the first place. So it's okay for the initial cheater to cheat, but when they get cheated on too that's when the marriage is over, right?
WorldIsYours Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 You don't know that she was un-remorseful ng. Mountain Dew said that his wife told him to get over it. There point proven. But your point is exact with the "acting out" of this coward. Not it's not. And why does he have to be a coward? His wife is the real coward.
WorldIsYours Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 I totally agree, it shouldn't be on the WS's timeline, and that WS would have to show real real remorse for their actions and show true effort to make things right. I completely agree with what you said. Then why say he needs to get over it? As someone that never had to face what OP is dealing with And that is why your assumptions are off point. I don't think I would be able to take someone that cheated on me back - simply because I wouldn't be able to get past the deceit. But you were once the other person. So you can dish out pain but can't take it when it's coming your way, right? (especially for their kids) Staying for the kids is a horrible idea. They are important, yes, but parents should not worship them to the point of staying in a bad relationship with the other parent who cheated on them. They will grow up eventually so no point in wasting all of those years. I would hope that they take those kids into account when they consider a revenge affair. The potential cheater should've took the kids and their spouse before they decide to cheat.
TigerCub Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 But you did say deal with it. You know it's the same thing. LOL It's the same thing and you know it. You sugar-coat it. Basically he needs to get over it. Oooooooohhh. "OR ELSE!":laugh: But you do have a point. What is the point of staying with a cheater? And what about her? If he needs to "get over it" (which will never happen, the pain will just go down to a small dot) then she needs to be remorseful and show him that she loves him, instead of being a bitch. I notice one thing about cheaters and OM and OW. They all have the same calculated responses. If you understand his pain, why say get over it? BSs are not obligated to do a damn thing when they get cheated on, even if they take back their cheating spouse. The wayward is the one that needs to be doing the heavy lifting and quit being selfish. Then why say what you said? Why say if they take them back, they must forgive? When a cheater cheats, a betrayed spouse doesn't have to forgive them for anything, regardless if they stay or go. But that cheater better be ready to do some hard work and put up with their betrayed spouse when they vent at them. So it's okay for the initial cheater to cheat, but when they get cheated on too that's when the marriage is over, right? So are you pretty much saying that if a BS chooses to take back the WS they don't even need to be open to the idea of moving past the infidelity and moving forward? Really? so why keep them? Just to hold their mistake over their heads forever? just because divorce is expensive? Just to screw their kids up by subjecting them to a miserable home where the parents hate each other and have nothing but hostility to offer oh yeah - that sounds like a fantastic plan!
WorldIsYours Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 So are you pretty much saying that if a BS chooses to take back the WS they don't even need to be open to the idea of moving past the infidelity and moving forward? Damn right. Until that cheating POS can show them that they want the marriage and put their betrayed spouse first in line, then naturally the BS will feel better and all is well. But some people, like me, have the One Shot Code, where cheating the first time kills everything. Really? so why keep them? Just to hold their mistake over their heads forever? just because divorce is expensive? Why cheat in the first place? DING-DING-DING!!!!! Because they don't care about the marriage. Just to screw their kids up by subjecting them to a miserable home where the parents hate each other and have nothing but hostility to offer The cheater caused the destruction, not the betrayed. oh yeah - that sounds like a fantastic plan! Oh right, and me f*cking my hot co-worker will help me stay in a bad marriage.
TigerCub Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Then why say he needs to get over it? As in find a way to move past it. MC maybe? Look, you're going to interpret what I say the way you like it - so whatever... But you were once the other person. So you can dish out pain but can't take it when it's coming your way, right? I wouldn't cheat on someone I commit to and give my word to, and I wouldn't take a cheater back because I wouldn't be able to trust them. You can take that and roll your eyes at it and give your snippy remarks back - but that's the way it is Staying for the kids is a horrible idea. They are important, yes, but parents should not worship them to the point of staying in a bad relationship with the other parent who cheated on them. They will grow up eventually so no point in wasting all of those years. Finally!!! Something we see eye to eye on. I'm mainly seein it that way, not only for the "wasted years" factor, but simply because kids pick up on stuff (even if parents hide it) _ I know this from personal experience and I know it was damaging. The potential cheater should've took the kids and their spouse before they decide to cheat. I don't know if you're being sarcastic or not... I do believe that 2 people can raise kids without being together - so I don't really agree that kids should be taken from one of the parents.
TigerCub Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Damn right. Until that cheating POS can show them that they want the marriage and put their betrayed spouse first in line, then naturally the BS will feel better and all is well. But some people, like me, have the One Shot Code, where cheating the first time kills everything. Why cheat in the first place? DING-DING-DING!!!!! Because they don't care about the marriage. The cheater caused the destruction, not the betrayed. Oh right, and me f*cking my hot co-worker will help me stay in a bad marriage. ok, well you do realize that you contributed nothing with you sarcastic remarks don't you. You didn't really answer the questions...but ok, if you got your kicks out of it ... AWESOME!! I'm not gonna thread jack here - so that's it I guess...
WorldIsYours Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 As in find a way to move past it. MC maybe? Look, you're going to interpret what I say the way you like it - so whatever... MC for what? So he can sit there and listen to someone tell him how it was his fault for his wife's cheating and unremorselessness? I wouldn't cheat on someone I commit to and give my word to, and I wouldn't take a cheater back because I wouldn't be able to trust them. You can take that and roll your eyes at it and give your snippy remarks back - but that's the way it is So as I said before, you can dish out pain but can't take it? Whatever. Finally!!! Something we see eye to eye on. OMG!!! YES!!!! I do believe that 2 people can raise kids without being together - so I don't really agree that kids should be taken from one of the parents. Sorry I typed my previous quote wrong. I meant the potential cheater should've took the kids and their spouse into account before they decide to cheat.
WorldIsYours Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 ok, well you do realize that you contributed nothing with you sarcastic remarks don't you. Yes I do realize I contributed a lot, unlike some people. You didn't really answer the questions...but ok, if you got your kicks out of it ... AWESOME!! I did answer the questions. And how can I get a "kick" out of something on an internet forum? Do I ask my computer to kick me?
Woggle Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 I have a one strike rule towards cheating as well but I would just leave. My wife knows that she cheats and she is out. If you are not ready to do the same then don't sink to her level.
bentnotbroken Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 So sinking to a particular level will make you equal. :confused:Interesting. If I couldn't be with someone who helps me to elevate, I don't think I could be with someone who inspires in me the desire to sink myself into a cesspool of mess.
StoneCold Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Yes.... GET OVER IT...DEAL WITH IT....however you want to call it...so what of it? Dont conclude or read anymore into this than its literal meaning. What else do you all recommend? wallow in misery for the rest of your lives and never move on?
WorldIsYours Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Yes.... GET OVER IT...DEAL WITH IT....however you want to call it...so what of it? Dont conclude or read anymore into this than its literal meaning. You have no literal meaning in your posts, so that is a moot point. He'll get over it on his own time. What else do you all recommend? wallow in misery for the rest of your lives and never move on? So you recommend him staying with some brat who doesn't give a s**t about his feelings? Yea that's good.
StoneCold Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 You have no literal meaning in your posts, so that is a moot point. He'll get over it on his own time. So you recommend him staying with some brat who doesn't give a s**t about his feelings? Yea that's good. Show me where exactly I said that Einstein
justsam Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 You know what? I would totally do it just to see her reaction. But... listen to this first. If you really believe that you are a better person than that; you can always play this card with her by not even engaging in sex. Make her feel what you have been feeling for once... SQUEEZE! The thing is that you should'nt use this person for this without her knowing what your intentions are- it wouldn't be fair to her. Then again, if you want your marriage to really work you're going to have to rid yourself of the animosity toward your wife at some point. If not just end it and pursue this other "thing."
robf1971 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Ok, I've been reading and commenting a couple days now and there seems to be a lot of good people here. My wife had at least one long term affair 3.5 yrs ago. I didnt see it coming. We were both very unhappy but she knew I wasnt capable of cheating and I thought she could be trusted. She used my honesty and trust against me. I found out one day and was completely shocked and shattered. I decided before I even comfronted her to try to stop her from leaving for our 3 yr old daughter's sake. My Mom left when I was 13 and I dont want that for my kid. There would have been a huge custody battle. It would have been ugly. The OM would not have raised my daughter without lots and lots of trouble from me. Wife said she couldnt stay there near him so I gave up all my friends, family, house, business and moved to an area she's from we have both hated from day one. She took a couple years to act like she was truly sorry but has been very good about where she is and with who. But I cannot let it go. I hate her more every day for the betrayal. How could you lie to my face and our daughter's for 11 months straight? Who else did you cheat with? She is finally in counseling now, has lots of issues from childhood. And is on medication which has helped a lot. But all I can think of is getting even so I will stop feeling so wronged. I dont want to, I feel if I dont I will leave her and hurt my daughter. Our daughter is happy, we dont fight and we fake affection in front of her. At least I'm faking it. I've told her many times I think if I had either sex or an affair like she did I would be able to let it go finally because I wouldnt feel so kicked in the balls all the time. As usual she cant accept someone doing something she did. She "had her reasons'. Well I have my damn reasons too but she never sees anything like that. She is very jealous since her affair and is always afraid I will use my free pass and leave her for the OW. I think I have an offer from a very very attractive much younger woman now and my wife sees it too and is freaked out. If she had any sense she'd encourage me to sleep with her instead of trying to keep us apart. She isnt anyone I would leave her for and she knows that. It would be purely sex for me , she's way too young for any kind of lasting relationship with someone my age and I know it. Yes she is over 18, duh. But just barely. Should I just go ahead and stop wishing for my wife's ok? I truly believe I would feel a lot better and stop hating my wife so much. She cant see that. She expects me to get over it but I can see I never will. I will only hurt her severely one day when I cant take it any more or meet someone I will leave her for. How about a vote, yes or no I jump the bimbo who is hot for me and knows all about my wifes affair? My wife was the one who told her why I was always so angry and it backfired. Very Tempting, but a bad idea. It will just backfire
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I'm sorry for what you've been going through, and I empathize. Despite all the pain and negativity, the advice I have to give is really simple. It won't be easy to follow, but it is simple and I am sure it is right. You have two choices, if you are interested in being a "good" man and father to your daughter. 1) Continue to stay with your wife, but ONLY if you are willing and committed to going to MC with her to learn whether, and how trust can begin to be rebuilt, and how to get your relationship in a positive realm. 2) If you know you can't do this, your feelings for your wife are irreparably damaged and you can't move away from all the toxicity and negativity, you need to face the divorce process. All the hating that's going on is certainly affecting your daughter. She would be better off not living under its pall. Your home must be a very unhappy place. I don't care if a "revenge affair" would make you feel better or not. It would further trash your already crippled marriage, plus you would be using another human being as well as engaging in behavior that you have some pride in being above. You have your own moral code and ethics, right? Extramarital affairs are not included in what's "okay" according to that, right? You still need to be true to yourself, to your own beliefs and ideals. You owe it to yourself and your daughter. Either try as hard as you can to rebuild your marriage, or divorce.
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