Mountain Dew Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Ok, I've been reading and commenting a couple days now and there seems to be a lot of good people here. My wife had at least one long term affair 3.5 yrs ago. I didnt see it coming. We were both very unhappy but she knew I wasnt capable of cheating and I thought she could be trusted. She used my honesty and trust against me. I found out one day and was completely shocked and shattered. I decided before I even comfronted her to try to stop her from leaving for our 3 yr old daughter's sake. My Mom left when I was 13 and I dont want that for my kid. There would have been a huge custody battle. It would have been ugly. The OM would not have raised my daughter without lots and lots of trouble from me. Wife said she couldnt stay there near him so I gave up all my friends, family, house, business and moved to an area she's from we have both hated from day one. She took a couple years to act like she was truly sorry but has been very good about where she is and with who. But I cannot let it go. I hate her more every day for the betrayal. How could you lie to my face and our daughter's for 11 months straight? Who else did you cheat with? She is finally in counseling now, has lots of issues from childhood. And is on medication which has helped a lot. But all I can think of is getting even so I will stop feeling so wronged. I dont want to, I feel if I dont I will leave her and hurt my daughter. Our daughter is happy, we dont fight and we fake affection in front of her. At least I'm faking it. I've told her many times I think if I had either sex or an affair like she did I would be able to let it go finally because I wouldnt feel so kicked in the balls all the time. As usual she cant accept someone doing something she did. She "had her reasons'. Well I have my damn reasons too but she never sees anything like that. She is very jealous since her affair and is always afraid I will use my free pass and leave her for the OW. I think I have an offer from a very very attractive much younger woman now and my wife sees it too and is freaked out. If she had any sense she'd encourage me to sleep with her instead of trying to keep us apart. She isnt anyone I would leave her for and she knows that. It would be purely sex for me , she's way too young for any kind of lasting relationship with someone my age and I know it. Yes she is over 18, duh. But just barely. Should I just go ahead and stop wishing for my wife's ok? I truly believe I would feel a lot better and stop hating my wife so much. She cant see that. She expects me to get over it but I can see I never will. I will only hurt her severely one day when I cant take it any more or meet someone I will leave her for. How about a vote, yes or no I jump the bimbo who is hot for me and knows all about my wifes affair? My wife was the one who told her why I was always so angry and it backfired.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I don't think jumping the " bimbo" would solve your problems. Rather, you'll just aggravate everything. You have alot of anger and instead of seeking revenge, find a better way to channel your emotions. I think you should seek out a therapist and talk about your issues. While it's great your wife is seeking personal help, I think Marriage Counseling would better benefit you and help you work on your marriage. Yes, she's the one at fault here for betraying your trust, but if you want her to actually listen and accept her faults in this, force her to sit down in therapy ( with you) and the two of you talk it out. I hope you get the help you need. I'm certain that the 18 year old girl is tempting but being a father yourself, you wouldn't want other people to call your daughter a " bimbo" and jump her bones just because it's for sex.
TigerCub Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 You're pissed at your wife for making a CHOICE to cheat on you. But you stayed with her based on YOUR CHOICE - you say its for your kid - fine, its still your choice, the real reason doesn't matter. So deal with it. You say that you and your W fake being pleasant with one another - how are you doing your daughter any favors if you go ahead and sleep around? You'll just be creating a worse scenario where your daughter lives in a home where her parents are fake with one another, and on top of that whore around on each other - that's would be such a sad place to be Yeah she may not understand everything now - but kids pick up on vibes. You wouldn't be doing her any favors. I can completely understand your anger and your hurt over all this, I certainly can even understand the desire to have a "revenge" lets make things even f***, but at the end of the day you made your choices too - just like your W did, and you wouldn't be any better than her if you went through with this. Also, I agree with the previous post - don't demean a girl and call her a "bimbo" cuz you just view her for sex, if anything, your W is the true bimbo, and you wouldn't be any better if you went through with this. You made your choice to stay - so deal with it like a grown up. I also agree with the previous poster about how you and your W should probably seek marriage counseling if you hope to make things work. I am honestly sorry that you had to go through any of it, but life is about choices, you can either stand by yours or find ways to weasel out of them. Good luck to you
UnsureinSeattle Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Don't see how it would help, friend. It's not worth it. It wouldn't even out any kind of "score." It will only make you feel better short-term- but, in the long run, your resentment will still be there.
Spark1111 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 You are still so angry and not thinking very rationally. Have YOU been to IC. Do you and she go to MC? Because you should to figure out why your anger has not dissipated. Or YOU made the wrong choice in staying with your wife for the sake of your child and do not love her enough to forgive her. In which case, you have two choices: Get yourself to counseling and you and she get to MC to figure out if there is a marriage worth saving, or divorce her and then you will be free to jump anyone's bones you would like.
ladydesigner Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Hi I'll chime in since I had a revenge affair. While I feel the score is even and I no longer hold any resentment for my H, I FEEL WORSE. I have become a cheater with no integrity and that is not a powerful feeling. It is very self-defeating and caused a good loss of self-esteem. If I could do it again I would have worked out my anger in MC or IC. Just my .02
What_Next Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I also had a revenge affair. It was one of the worst things I've done and I regret it every day. After I discovered the final truth about my wife's affair I went out on dating sites and eventually found someone and got involved with her. I did so initially while still living under the same roof as my wife. I eventually moved out and continued it with her. I had myself convinced this was my road to recovery. Boy was I WRONG! The score is not "even", I simply degraded myself. Get some help to deal with your anger. I really do understand it, heck I live it every day. I am angry, sad, quiet, you name it. It comes in waves. I can also empathize with your thoughts, in fact after my wife and I decided to attempt a reconciliation she was quite concerned that I would cheat, in fact so was I. I told her so. I was almost sure my anger would overcome me and I would cheat. As time wore on I realized that I could not do that to my wife, my child and myself. My wife is also what could be termed jealous now, but I don't think it is rooted in jealousy as much as a fear of what I might do. I have tried to re-assure her, but only time will do that. Good luck; it is much better to talk through something like this via IC or MC or even and Internet forum before acting on it. If you really cannot get past what she did, then let her go.
Darth Vader Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Ok, I've been reading and commenting a couple days now and there seems to be a lot of good people here. My wife had at least one long term affair 3.5 yrs ago. I didnt see it coming. We were both very unhappy but she knew I wasnt capable of cheating and I thought she could be trusted. She used my honesty and trust against me. I found out one day and was completely shocked and shattered. I decided before I even comfronted her to try to stop her from leaving for our 3 yr old daughter's sake. My Mom left when I was 13 and I dont want that for my kid. There would have been a huge custody battle. It would have been ugly. The OM would not have raised my daughter without lots and lots of trouble from me. Wife said she couldnt stay there near him so I gave up all my friends, family, house, business and moved to an area she's from we have both hated from day one. She took a couple years to act like she was truly sorry but has been very good about where she is and with who. But I cannot let it go. I hate her more every day for the betrayal. How could you lie to my face and our daughter's for 11 months straight? Who else did you cheat with? She is finally in counseling now, has lots of issues from childhood. And is on medication which has helped a lot. But all I can think of is getting even so I will stop feeling so wronged. I dont want to, I feel if I dont I will leave her and hurt my daughter. Our daughter is happy, we dont fight and we fake affection in front of her. At least I'm faking it. I've told her many times I think if I had either sex or an affair like she did I would be able to let it go finally because I wouldnt feel so kicked in the balls all the time. As usual she cant accept someone doing something she did. She "had her reasons'. Well I have my damn reasons too but she never sees anything like that. She is very jealous since her affair and is always afraid I will use my free pass and leave her for the OW. I think I have an offer from a very very attractive much younger woman now and my wife sees it too and is freaked out. If she had any sense she'd encourage me to sleep with her instead of trying to keep us apart. She isnt anyone I would leave her for and she knows that. It would be purely sex for me , she's way too young for any kind of lasting relationship with someone my age and I know it. Yes she is over 18, duh. But just barely. Should I just go ahead and stop wishing for my wife's ok? I truly believe I would feel a lot better and stop hating my wife so much. She cant see that. She expects me to get over it but I can see I never will. I will only hurt her severely one day when I cant take it any more or meet someone I will leave her for. How about a vote, yes or no I jump the bimbo who is hot for me and knows all about my wifes affair? My wife was the one who told her why I was always so angry and it backfired. I can see already your wife's faced no real consequences for her actions! Therefore she continues to humilate and disrespect you, furthermore, she clearly tells you by her actions if you would've cheated on her, she'd be gone! I can understand your hate against her, but, if you cheat on her, you'll hate yourself in time! Don't cheat on her, just Divorce her! Realize you don't have any obligation/s to your wife after what she's put you through, even though you two have a daughter. Better for your daughter to come from a broken home, than live in one! Chances ar, she can feel the tension, even resentment between you two, children see more, and are smarter than you give them credit for! Have you been to IC and/or MC? You may need the IC because your mother left you when you were younger, hence, you married a cheater! They may be able to determine as to why you married a cheater so you won't do it again! When you do Divorce, go for sole custody of your daughter and protect your assests, bank account, house, cars, 401k, etc. Why do I say go for sole custody? If you go for sole custody, you may get joint custody 50/50, otherwise you'll end up paying child support, aka paying for your wife's affair! Oh, speaking of the affair, since no one has bothered mentioning it, make sure that's really your daughter, I know you've thought of it, get Paternity testing done on your girl! You don't know for sure how many times your wife's cheated, that's apparent.
Author Mountain Dew Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 I don't think jumping the " bimbo" would solve your problems. Rather, you'll just aggravate everything. You have alot of anger and instead of seeking revenge, find a better way to channel your emotions. I think you should seek out a therapist and talk about your issues. While it's great your wife is seeking personal help, I think Marriage Counseling would better benefit you and help you work on your marriage. Yes, she's the one at fault here for betraying your trust, but if you want her to actually listen and accept her faults in this, force her to sit down in therapy ( with you) and the two of you talk it out. I hope you get the help you need. I'm certain that the 18 year old girl is tempting but being a father yourself, you wouldn't want other people to call your daughter a " bimbo" and jump her bones just because it's for sex. Nice answer, thanks. And Bimbo was a bad choice of words-you are correct. And she's a little older than that.
neveragain1 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I've told her many times I think if I had either sex or an affair like she did I would be able to let it go finally because I wouldnt feel so kicked in the balls all the time. don't do it. it won't make you feel better, and you will now be a cheater and no better than she. and if you are thinking you want to do it, then you wanted to do it all along and simply think this is an excuse to do so......its not. As usual she cant accept someone doing something she did. She "had her reasons'. Well I have my damn reasons too but she never sees anything like that. then get rid of her. I would have wanted to push her out the door if a wife had told me she had her reasons in an effort to justify it. Should I just go ahead and stop wishing for my wife's ok? no, you should divorce her. cheating in revenge won't change the fact that your wife is a cheater and it won't help you get over what she did. You'll still resent her for it AND because that which you resent. I truly believe I would feel a lot better and stop hating my wife so much. no you won't She cant see that. She expects me to get over it another reason you should give her walking papers How about a vote, yes or no I jump the bimbo who is hot for me and knows all about my wifes affair? My wife was the one who told her why I was always so angry and it backfired. No. and if you do, then you will then be unworthy of support.
neveragain1 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 You're pissed at your wife for making a CHOICE to cheat on you. But you stayed with her based on YOUR CHOICE - you say its for your kid - fine, its still your choice, the real reason doesn't matter. So deal with it. someone who was betrayed never needs to be told to just "deal with it" or "get over it".
Author Mountain Dew Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 I can see already your wife's faced no real consequences for her actions! Therefore she continues to humilate and disrespect you, furthermore, she clearly tells you by her actions if you would've cheated on her, she'd be gone! I can understand your hate against her, but, if you cheat on her, you'll hate yourself in time! Don't cheat on her, just Divorce her! Realize you don't have any obligation/s to your wife after what she's put you through, even though you two have a daughter. Better for your daughter to come from a broken home, than live in one! Chances ar, she can feel the tension, even resentment between you two, children see more, and are smarter than you give them credit for! Have you been to IC and/or MC? You may need the IC because your mother left you when you were younger, hence, you married a cheater! They may be able to determine as to why you married a cheater so you won't do it again! When you do Divorce, go for sole custody of your daughter and protect your assests, bank account, house, cars, 401k, etc. Why do I say go for sole custody? If you go for sole custody, you may get joint custody 50/50, otherwise you'll end up paying child support, aka paying for your wife's affair! Oh, speaking of the affair, since no one has bothered mentioning it, make sure that's really your daughter, I know you've thought of it, get Paternity testing done on your girl! You don't know for sure how many times your wife's cheated, that's apparent. Some great advice, thanks. And there's no denying my daughter, she looks just like me. Some of you people are really making me feel better!
Author Mountain Dew Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 Hi I'll chime in since I had a revenge affair. While I feel the score is even and I no longer hold any resentment for my H, I FEEL WORSE. I have become a cheater with no integrity and that is not a powerful feeling. It is very self-defeating and caused a good loss of self-esteem. If I could do it again I would have worked out my anger in MC or IC. Just my .02 you may be right, not being a cheater is the only self esteem I have left. And being a good Dad. Sure helps with this new one throwing herself at me though...
Darth Vader Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Some great advice, thanks. And there's no denying my daughter, she looks just like me. Some of you people are really making me feel better! That's good that she looks like you, still, if you have any doubts, get the testing done! "Just get over it"? She said, um, no, I don't think so, that shows you she has no real remorse, she's sorry she got caught. How did you catch her anyway?
Darth Vader Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 you may be right, not being a cheater is the only self esteem I have left. And being a good Dad. Sure helps with this new one throwing herself at me though... I've seen this before, it seems when women find out a man has been cheated on, those women want ya bad!
What_Next Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I've seen this before, it seems when women find out a man has been cheated on, those women want ya bad! That is a fact Darth, that is a fact.
TigerCub Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 someone who was betrayed never needs to be told to just "deal with it" or "get over it". If they decide to keep the cheater and stay in the relationship - of course they need to deal with it, and work on getting past it. What would you have them do? Stay in a failed M and just stew on their anger??
Jonah Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Matthew 7:2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
Jonah Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 She is very jealous since her affair and is always afraid I will use my free pass and leave her for the OW. I am sorry to read of your pain. I must point out though that your line of thinking is pre-pubescent. The best thing you could do for this woman is to leave her and let her find a real man that can care for her and her daughter. Yes do leave her. She will get over it easy enough.
StoneCold Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Well Mountain Dew. My Take: I've been on both sides of the fence... I've been cheated on and I have cheated. I never used to be the type to cheat but after getting cheated on a couple times I realized that theres no virtue in being cheated on....its just foolish....may as well have fun. It sounds like you have one foot out the door so......On one hand: A) So what if you cheat? big deal....she had her fun and you're going to be checking out anyways; your marriage will dissolve whether you do or dont and you'll move on. May as well have some fun HOWEVER on the other hand B) You may not be able to handle such a step and you may end up feeling bad. Perhaps even more so should you manage to fix your marriage. Many here say... "its not going to make you feel better" but what makes them so sure of that? Perhaps it will...perhaps it wont; It all gets down to you and how you tick....there is no right or wrong answer to this. Just make sure you are certain about the choices you make.
Snowflower Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Mountain Dew (love your moniker by the way!), I sense a lot of confusion in your posts...which is completely normal for a BS. I sense on one hand you don't want to let your wife/marriage go for whatever reason. Residual love, your daughter, history together, only you can answer that. On the other hand, you are still angry with her and seek revenge for the great hurt and wrong she did you. Anger like this will eventually destroy any love you still feel for your wife and ultimately harm you emotionally as well. So, all these conflicting emotions leave you confused. I think men handle the aftermath of betrayal by infidelity very differently than women in many cases. I don't mean to generalize but men often stay angry for a lot longer...no matter what happens to the WS and the marriage. I am nearly 2.5 years out from my d-day and I'm no longer angry. Sometimes I think men hang on to anger longer to avoid feeling the pain. But what I can relate to is the confusion that you speak of. The second year after d-day was filled with confusion for me. I didn't know myself, didn't understand why, what, how I was feeling or even what I should feel. I think this is where you are Mountain Dew...and this is an important part of the healing process...which is a different timeline for everyone. Have you ever gone to IC in the aftermath? It might be really helpful to you... But, I completely understand the confusion. And FWIW, I'm glad you have resisted the revenge affair. You will hurt even more people including that young woman, your wife, and yourself if you have an affair. The fact that you wife is scared that you will have a revenge affair with that young woman is interesting. Have you asked your wife what she is most worried about?
WorldIsYours Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Dude just leave your wife. Don't waste your life with someone who tells you to get over it, and is unremorseful for her betrayal. You can still raise your daughter well without seeing her cheating mother all of the time. Find a real woman. No point in revenge cheating, because why do the same damn thing that killed the love in your marriage in the first place? You'll only hurt yourself even more. Finding a mature woman who won't treat you that way will have your cheating wife so jealous she'll be begging to get back with you.
Chula Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 If they decide to keep the cheater and stay in the relationship - of course they need to deal with it, and work on getting past it. What would you have them do? Stay in a failed M and just stew on their anger?? TigerCub...I agree, if the BS and WS decide to stay in the marriage and attempt reconciliation, the BS does eventually need to find a way to "deal with it" and work on getting past it. But in THEIR OWN time, not the time line of the WS. It's gonna take the BS as long as it takes to be able to work through the aftermath of the A and the WS just has to deal with that....or bail.
TigerCub Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 but "deal with it" in the spirit you wrote basically reads, "get over it". I think you interpreted my response on your own. I never said - well tough buddy, just deal with it. I said, if he made a CHOICE to keep the cheating wife, then he needs to find a way to "deal with it" meaning he needs to be able to get past it somehow. OR else, what's the point of staying together? cheating is basically emotionally abuse, intentional or not. The person upon finding out is devestated, hurt, in pain, confused, not thinking clearly, distraught, and angry. There is no just "getting over it" or "dealing with it" in the way the phrase is said. I agree, he does need to get some help, or divorce his wife. i'd opt for the latter because I know that he will never truly trust her again. Things may get to a point where its not consuming his thoughts on a daily basis. But from time to time he will see a big "C" stamped on her forehead. Triggers suck. I don't think that cheating is ever unintentional. Therefore I can certainly understand the pain and devestation that a BS would suffer. However, if for whatever reason they make the choice to take back the WS, they need to be open to the idea of forgiving and moving past the issue. I'm not saying that it has to be on the WS's timeline, and I'm certainly not saying that anyone can have it in them to take someone like that back. I just don't think that a revenge cheat (as tempting as it may be) would be the answer - I think it would defeat all the reasons tha the couple should be staying together for in the first place.
Jonah Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 uh, in case you haven't realized, his wife is a cheater. I do not agree with his thinking about getting even, but he has been mentally abused by his cheating, unremorseful, gaslighting wife. You don't know that she was un-remorseful ng. But your point is exact with the "acting out" of this coward. I know all about it. Been there done that such a dope I was. Wish someone would have pointed it out to me would have saved me from making an ass out of myself. Sounds rough, but I stand by my call. Take heed MD.
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