devilmaycare Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 quoth the officiant from Princess Bride..."Mawidge...is a dweam wiffin a dweam..." if you get this, you may get the rest. I love H more than I could imagine ever loving anyone. So much so that I have likely sacrificed my own well-being. My mother's dying wish was that I leave him. But I have never given up without a fight...so here we are...in this struggle...and I wonder how long/if it's worth struggling for. My mother is gone, but I have my marriage, and...my dreams. I find my thoughts turning to an old flame (OF) who has been a dear friend for over 10 years, since before I knew H. I know that I will not contact him, not until my plans are decided for sure. I am not the kind of person who is crazy enough to even attempt anything that would only be damaging to everyone involved, but I cannot get OF out of my mind. I exercise, go to work, focus on EVERYTHING else--including marriage counseling--and POOF--thoughts of OF get in my head, almost on their own. What do I do to get rid of these thoughts, at least until H and I have decided to forge our own path, or break down the bricks and build elsewhere? Again, counseling has helped somewhat...but it seems (crazy as it sounds), the better I feel about myself, the more confident, the more determined I am to forge my own path, the more OF appears in my thoughts, and at the most inconvenient times. I know this could be posted in infidelity...I guess if one can have an EA with oneself, that is the case...but as I won't pursue it, in fact I crave the means to get rid of these thoughts...I don't believe I can be considered a cheater. I also know that thoughts of OF contribute to my feelings of inadequacy in my marriage...my primary concern being H's substance abuse...but what now? How to banish OF and just focus on being healthy, and being in a healthy marriage? Or knowing when to throw in the towel, without the fantasizing about something that may never be?
FreeNow Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Okay... what I'm posting in this reply is *not* intended as insulting to you or intended in any mean spirited way. Consider it an independent POV; no more correct or wrong than your view or anyone else. The intent is to encourage you to examine the issue from a different perspective. {To others that may reply with "bitter", "agenda", "anger" or any number of ad hominen snarks; save your keystrokes. Giving all rainbows and unicorns pooping gummi bears isn't likely to help anyone. Sometimes people need reassurance, sometimes they need a bucket of cold water, and sometimes they need both.} I love H more than I could imagine ever loving anyone. So much so that I have likely sacrificed my own well-being. Hold the story right there. That's just not healthy and it really isn't fair to object of your affection/sacrifice/devotion. It lacks balance. Love yourself then love others. Anything less is dysfunctional at best. My mother's dying wish was that I leave him. But I have never given up without a fight...so here we are...in this struggle...and I wonder how long/if it's worth struggling for. My mother is gone, but I have my marriage, and...my dreams. I'm sorry to read that your mother has passed on, however, what in the world does that have to do with your marriage except to indicate that there was trouble in the relationship between your husband and your mother. You make your decisions... not her... not him. I find my thoughts turning to an old flame (OF) who has been a dear friend for over 10 years, since before I knew H. So you allow your mind and feeling to wander to another. It doesn't matter if you knew him for 10 years or 10 minutes. It's happening in your own mind and unless you are not mentally competent, that's within your control... but only if you *want* to control it. It's much easier for one to throw their hands up and declare that something is happening 'on its own'. I know that I will not contact him, not until my plans are decided for sure. Nice and calculating. Quite the switch from the beginning where "I love H more than I could imagine ever loving anyone." A ring of dissonance in there. There is something down deep that begs to be examined. Bring that to IC and you might get a lot of help for the dollar. I am not the kind of person who is crazy enough to even attempt anything that would only be damaging to everyone involved, Good. You're not acting impulsively. but I cannot get OF out of my mind. But you are acting obsessively. I exercise, go to work, focus on EVERYTHING else--including marriage counseling--and POOF--thoughts of OF get in my head, Same thing can be said of rapist, pedophiles, etc. If one is mentally stable, one can and does control things about which one thinks. If you have a competent counselor and are fully engaged in the process, re-framing those thoughts and ridding yourself of the obsession is a routine thing. Perhaps it's time for a different counselor. almost on their own. That is an attempt to remove responsibility for one's thoughts. The same reasoning is later used to deflect responsibility for one's actions. Not a wise road to even begin to travel down. What do I do to get rid of these thoughts, Find a different counselor and stay at it until there is success. at least until H and I have decided to forge our own path, or break down the bricks and build elsewhere? Until that major decision is made, MC isn't going to be very fruitful towards building the marriage relationship. It can be helpful for both of you to figure out what you want but won't help build things until that primary decision is made. Again, counseling has helped somewhat...but it seems (crazy as it sounds), the better I feel about myself, the more confident, the more determined I am to forge my own path, the more OF appears in my thoughts, and at the most inconvenient times. That really doesn't sound 'crazy'. It seems like you have a preferred path, even if it *is* buried deep in your thoughts, and that is not honestly what you appear to want on the surface. In other words, you probably really want to end the marriage and try to make a go of things with this OF. So, what is stopping you? Are you afraid that the grass is not greener? Are you afraid of 'hurting' others? Are you afraid of being alone? These are the things to explore in individual counseling! I know this could be posted in infidelity...I guess if one can have an EA with oneself, that is the case...but as I won't pursue it, in fact I crave the means to get rid of these thoughts...I don't believe I can be considered a cheater. It depends on one's value system. Some might consider it cheating. Others wouldn't consider oral sex cheating. If one presents as adhering to a particular moral code or value system but their actions (includes obsessive thought since it affects decisions we make) don't match that which one professes; it's hypocrisy. When other people, like say a spouse, makes decisions based upon the others hidden hypocrisy, it's fraud/deception/lying. If your professed value system calls it cheating, then it's cheating. If not, then it's not. I also know that thoughts of OF contribute to my feelings of inadequacy in my marriage...my primary concern being H's substance abuse... Be careful with convenient excuses for yourself. Not saying that's happening here, however, it might be starting down that path. but what now? How to banish OF and just focus on being healthy, and being in a healthy marriage? Or knowing when to throw in the towel, without the fantasizing about something that may never be? Counseling. Working on it. Finally making a decision. Reality calls all the time. Sometimes we keep letting it go to voicemail. Consider answering the call. This OF isn't the answer to your issues. Seek help, work diligently, resolve your own issues; only then can you make mature, rational decisions for yourself.
Author devilmaycare Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 (edited) Not insulted, that actually helps a lot. It is nice to get some logical feedback. IC and MC have been focused solely on "save the marriage" but sometimes I feel I don't get the opportunity to address everything else this way. I know precisely what is happening, but have never had so many problems reining in my emotions. While my marriage does have little to do with my mother, it was a huge issue the last few months of her life. That was the most difficult thing I ever had to deal with, not honoring her dying wishes, much less fighting with a dying woman about my own life. I know precisely what is going on...I am fantasizing about a "simpler" time...a time when she was still here. Also, mom loved OF, and was obviously not particularly fond of H. There are lot of reasons not to do it...grass may not be greener. I am in full realization that it helps NO ONE to act on these feelings, I am just concerned about having them so often. Probably it is because it is a safe place for my mind to go...there, I don't have to focus on my marriage, grieving, work, life plans...I can just retreat into a place outside my own life. But I am working through it, and have even considered looking into a new IC (one less expensive and closer to home to boot). On the plus side, I have made real progress in my personal advancement: I have lost weight with exercise, am eating better, and am in an overall better state of mind. Since H is still indulging in his regular alcohol and pot rituals, I am certain that my mind is wandering thinking I could be better off. I am, already, better off, taking care of myself. Again, thanks. I am really glad I found this forum. I feel the people here are supportive, but that doesn't mean being namby-pamby to save anyone's feelings. We often need to hear the truth, and sometimes those close to us aren't able to see things objectively. Edited March 8, 2011 by devilmaycare
FreeNow Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 (edited) Not insulted, that actually helps a lot. It's good to read that some of it might be useful to you. I'm equally glad that you weren't offended. While my marriage does have little to do with my mother, it was a huge issue the last few months of her life. That was the most difficult thing I ever had to deal with, not honoring her dying wishes, much less fighting with a dying woman about my own life. I can only imagine how difficult those feelings might be. I know precisely what is going on...I am fantasizing about a "simpler" time...a time when she was still here. Also, mom loved OF, and was obviously not particularly fond of H. That seems very insightful. I am just concerned about having them so often. Probably it is because it is a safe place for my mind to go...there, I don't have to focus on my marriage, grieving, work, life plans...I can just retreat into a place outside my own life. It sounds like a 'safe' escape for yourself in your own mind. Perhaps having a little 'safety valve' or mild 'coping method' like this isn't such a major thing? I don't really know but a worthy counselor should be able to bat that around a bit and help you with that value call. IMHO, if it doesn't effect your decisions in reality and can be shifted away from obsession... well then it might not be such a problem if you can conjure the thoughts up 'at will' for a healthy little mental/emotional escape (not unlike a movie, interesting novel, etc.) Many times I had places and things in my own mind into which to escape when I really needed it. It often refreshed me and allowed me to be more patient and overall pleasant with my wife and children. On the plus side, I have made real progress in my personal advancement: I have lost weight with exercise, am eating better, and am in an overall better state of mind. Those are some very good progress areas! Since H is still indulging in his regular alcohol and pot rituals That's some major issue he needs to address. It will likely harm the marriage eventually. Hopefully he will put forth, towards his own issues, at least a fraction of the worthy effort that you have towards yours. I am, already, better off, taking care of myself. That will go a whole lot further in a positive direction for you than just about anything. Good job! I feel the people here are supportive, but that doesn't mean being namby-pamby to save anyone's feelings. We often need to hear the truth, and sometimes those close to us aren't able to see things objectively. Overall I believe that to be accurate. However, if you encounter a poster that is simply too harsh to digest; it's best to use the ignore button. People come from different perspectives and levels of hurt. And then there is the occasional troll too... Again, thanks. I am really glad I found this forum. You are very welcome and I wish you the best. {Hopefully some more LS'ers will give some different perspectives and opinions for your consideration as well.} Edited March 9, 2011 by FreeNow typo
Author devilmaycare Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 I am happy to report that I have managed to cope with my emotions in a healthful way. It seems, that by venting to a couple of well-trusted friends, that I managed to expel OF from the corners where he lurked in my mind. I also do have a new therapist, still too soon to see where that goes, but so far, so good. I have, in fact, been avoiding the internet almost entirely since I noticed it is a place I tend to dwell, rather than flourish. But I did want to post something as it may help someone else. H and I are still working through our issues. We shall see. But actually, as touchy-feely as it may sound, reading Buddhist texts has really helped me. I feel responsible for my own happiness, and it has improved ALL of my relationships. That is not to say I still do not get frustrated, but I recognize he frustration as part of a step to achieving my goals, and my goals are now more in sight. Thanks to Free and all the other supportive people out there. If you don't see me for awhile, it is because I am doing well. If I come back, it is to find a place of refuge for a bit.
FreeNow Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 It sounds like you're on the right track. Good for you! We're rootin' for ya!
kimehh Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I am happy to report that I have managed to cope with my emotions in a healthful way. It seems, that by venting to a couple of well-trusted friends, that I managed to expel OF from the corners where he lurked in my mind. I also do have a new therapist, still too soon to see where that goes, but so far, so good. I have, in fact, been avoiding the internet almost entirely since I noticed it is a place I tend to dwell, rather than flourish. But I did want to post something as it may help someone else. H and I are still working through our issues. We shall see. But actually, as touchy-feely as it may sound, reading Buddhist texts has really helped me. I feel responsible for my own happiness, and it has improved ALL of my relationships. That is not to say I still do not get frustrated, but I recognize he frustration as part of a step to achieving my goals, and my goals are now more in sight. Thanks to Free and all the other supportive people out there. If you don't see me for awhile, it is because I am doing well. If I come back, it is to find a place of refuge for a bit. It's actually good that you didn't end up searching for how to divorce. Like I before, there are several relationships that can be saved when the couple just things about it deeper and deeper. It also helps to think of the people who will be affected when it comes to the divorce.
Author devilmaycare Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Well we've been back together for about a week now and things are even worse than I thought. I beginning to really feel that he has a behavioral disorder. There was a movie produced called "DirtyFilthyLove" a few years back and I SOOOOOO relate to the wife in that. He's back to blaming me for everything that has gone wrong in the relationship, railing against my family (he has a point when it comes to my sister), and obsessing that everyone is against him. I've told him that no one has the time to think about him, everyone has their own lives going on. I am just dead tired. I don't know if I even have the energy for the amount of counseling necessary.
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