Untouchable_Fire Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Stumbled across this today. I think most guys understand this principle well, however I've had some of the women here disagree. So, for further education... http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/think-well/201009/why-men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends
carhill Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I've personally found few women approach the depth of loyalty, respect, honor, and love my male friends have shown me in my life. Perhaps it's no surprise that those who come closest are the wives of those friends. Another aspect is the typical territoriality most males exhibit over their females, which precludes close and loving cross-gender platonic relationships between their women and other men. It's been my experience that the woman will correctly choose her lover over her friend. It's happened a lot. It'll be interesting to see whether things change or remain the same in the last third of my life. The first two thirds have been pretty consistent, if somewhat outlier from the usual male perspective and experience. Perhaps it's good that psychologists remain grounded in generalities
quietGuy13 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 well i don't know if my situation applies. but i have 2 female friends and wer'e friends. Now, i dont know if it will turn into more although i would like it to:) but if it doesn't i would still be happy being friends. unless she gets a BF. cause that's just sad.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 I've personally found few women approach the depth of loyalty, respect, honor, and love my male friends have shown me in my life. Perhaps it's no surprise that those who come closest are the wives of those friends. I've found this to be very true as well. Most of my female friendships are extremely shallow. The women who are with my best male friends, since I have a strong respect for that relationship, tend to have much more depth... but also have stronger boundaries! I'd say at your age group birds of a feather... it's not surprising those women are good to you.
Teknoe Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I don't think this topic is so much black and white as it is different on each person, especially the man. Me, of course I like the idea of sex, but I have plenty of good female friends with no intent to get in bed with. It's funny, I actually get along better with females. Yes, I'm straight, but I'm a sensitive softie... so it really depends on each person.
MarlyStar Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Maybe a man can only be friends with women he has no sexual interest in at all?
Andy_K Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 That would work. However, since a man wouldn't bother to approach or otherwise introduce himself to such a woman in the first place, friendships with that dynamic become very unlikely.
betterdeal Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 In general, we all have two arms, but that doesn't mean I have two arms, does it? I can be friendly with people at different levels, to differing degrees. What constitutes a friend? Can I not be friends with my lover? What about my sister? Can I not be her friend too? Massive generalisation based on a misreading of the linked article. I've befriended women I fancy, and women I don't fancy. I've had sex with friends and fallen in and out of love with friends. Some days I don't feel that sexual. Others I'm carnal to the bone®. If you can't be friends with women that's fine too. Just don't try and define all humanity as an extrapolation of you because you'd be wrong.
lululucy Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 In general, we all have two arms, but that doesn't mean I have two arms, does it? I can be friendly with people at different levels, to differing degrees. What constitutes a friend? Can I not be friends with my lover? What about my sister? Can I not be her friend too? Massive generalisation based on a misreading of the linked article. I've befriended women I fancy, and women I don't fancy. I've had sex with friends and fallen in and out of love with friends. Some days I don't feel that sexual. Others I'm carnal to the bone®. If you can't be friends with women that's fine too. Just don't try and define all humanity as an extrapolation of you because you'd be wrong. Yesyesyes. I always find these gross generalisations entirely misleading. While yes, I have male friends who I've ended up hooking up with while inebriated, I also have really close male friends with whom I've never come close to doing anything with. One of my bestbestbest friends is a guy I've known since high school and I would tell him anything, and vice versa. I don't see why there has to be this hard and fast rule about it NEVER WORKING. It's disingenuous.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I think this depends on a number of factors. The emotional maturity of the people involved. Emotionally immature people cannot be friends if there is sexual tension. They just don't know how to handle it. It also depends on how the friendship started. There are situations where a man will cold approach a strange woman he does not know and has nothing in common with other than breathing. The only thing they could have in common is sexual attraction. Such a relationship has no compatibility potential and so there is no real basis for friendship (or a lasting relationship for that matter). I have had friendships with women in which we fell into then back out of love. The reason the friendship could endure was because we had more than just sexual attraction in common.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 In general, we all have two arms, but that doesn't mean I have two arms, does it? I can be friendly with people at different levels, to differing degrees. What constitutes a friend? Can I not be friends with my lover? What about my sister? Can I not be her friend too? Massive generalisation based on a misreading of the linked article. I've befriended women I fancy, and women I don't fancy. I've had sex with friends and fallen in and out of love with friends. Some days I don't feel that sexual. Others I'm carnal to the bone®. If you can't be friends with women that's fine too. Just don't try and define all humanity as an extrapolation of you because you'd be wrong. Look, we all like to think of ourselves as "Special", someone who the rules and generalizations simply don't apply. Nobody here is trying to say platonic friendships between the opposite sex don't occur or are impossible. Basically it's saying that the conditions for it have to be just right. Which makes it fairly rare.
Cee Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 From the perspective of 20+ years of adulthood, I have seen dozens (hundreds?) of people come into and leave my life. When I boil down those 100+ people, I can think of maybe a dozen people who are life long friends. The gender breakdown is pretty much split down the middle. What is most predictive of friendship is not their gender, but their availability to spend quality time with me. Time is a scarce resource among busy adults - something friends will freely give to each other. If somebody has ulterior motives, then the "friendship" will likely wither away. At least, that's what I think happened a lot in my life.
somedude81 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Maybe a man can only be friends with women he has no sexual interest in at all? I've wanted to have sex with every single one of my female friends. Which is probably why I haven't had any female friends for a few months. The real issue is that I get infatuated easily even if the girl isn't my type. It's more than just wanting to have sex with her.
fortyninethousand322 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I have a pretty close female friend who I've been friends with since middle school. There was a point where she was into me (when we were both 16), but I wasn't and have never been, and now that ship has long ago sailed away. I think it's to the point where we view each other as siblings almost because of the fact that we've known each other for so long and essentially grew up together (middle school, high school, and college). So I think in these kinds of situations I can definitely see men and women being just friends. And, like others have said, I am pretty good friends with my friends' girlfriends.
betterdeal Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Look, we all like to think of ourselves as "Special", someone who the rules and generalizations simply don't apply. Now where did that come from? Nobody here is trying to say platonic friendships between the opposite sex don't occur or are impossible. In which the thread title is missing some words. Or wrong in my view. Basically it's saying that the conditions for it have to be just right. Which makes it fairly rare. Oh, so men and women can be friends. Thanks for clarifying.
paleblue Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 (edited) I've personally found few women approach the depth of loyalty, respect, honor, and love my male friends have shown me in my life. It's been my experience that the woman will correctly choose her lover over her friend. It's happened a lot. This. I've found this to be very true as well. Most of my female friendships are extremely shallow. & this. Has been my experience so far, 38 now, which i am thinking is about 5/16th's of the way thru my life. Edited March 8, 2011 by paleblue
sally4sara Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Look, we all like to think of ourselves as "Special", someone who the rules and generalizations simply don't apply. Nobody here is trying to say platonic friendships between the opposite sex don't occur or are impossible. Basically it's saying that the conditions for it have to be just right. Which makes it fairly rare. Much in the same way I learned I have the power to have the kind of relationship I want and need, I also have the power to set the tone of association between me and someone else on a platonic level. Attraction only goes so far. Like having a banana tree in your home. You can water it and put it near a window because it looks good there, but it won't grow bananas just because the basic elements are present. It takes just the right kind of environment and conditions for it to produce fruit. I do see that the people we put effort into associating with is rooted in attraction. For you to make a friend, something had to attract your eye first or you wouldn't even notice them to strike up an initial conversation. This happens even with same gendered associations. So if you make a friend of either gender, you found something attractive about them. There are attractive guys and there are attractive guys who invoke feelings beyond simple friendship within me. At this stage in my life, I know what those things are and don't entertain the occurrence of those things within a platonic friendship. Does it take more care and effort to preserve that friendship than it does with a same gendered friend? Sure sometimes. And for some people I've met, that effort is worth it just to continue to know them as a friend only. As long as I see that same effort out of them, the friendship continues in mutual respect.
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