lovnlost Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I am in a breakup where my ex, in an LDR until this coming summer, went back to her ex husband for the sake of their kids. The have been divorced for 1 year and he has been playing the "pity me" role and the new job and best for the kids....and guilt. Anything but being positive towards her. Anyway, we have been broke up for almost 4 weeks and NC for 3 of those. We are/were very much in love. She had mentioned confusion at this before in previous situations. But always realized she loved me most and came back. Has anyone experienced this and can offer advice? I havent found a thread on here yet that deals with this scenario. Thank you all. here is my story in a previous post. I apologize about the length. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t267680/
Mcnulty Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I wouldn't be too sure that it's JUST for the sake of the kids. I think there's more to it than that and you are doing yourself no good ruminating over it all. She has made a choice for herself as well as her kids, it may not be the right choice, but she's a grown woman. You really need to focus on you and you only from here on. Do you think she is thinking/feeling the same as you? No, she will be trying her hardest to prove to everyone that she has made the right decision..it won't be a decision she has took lightly, but it looks like you're the fall guy in all of this unfortunately.
Movingthrough Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 she will be trying her hardest to prove to everyone that she has made the right decision This is it right here, and is usually the issue. In some ways this is a GIGS situation, something over there "pulled" her back into that situation. I will say that it could have been the kids. I have heard many girls not break it off for the kids sake, which i dont think is overall right, but i respect it. This is always easier to say then do, but if she has the capacity to leave that quick, and jump into something else, that is not what you want OR could trust. My ex didnt go back to her ex, but she went to another guy real quick. The main thing i had to focus on was the fact that i would NEVER be able to trust someone that could "move" on that quickly, im pretty sure you couldnt either... And if the pity, complaining etc really did the trick on her....well thats pretty weak on her part.
depplover_1980 Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 You cannot blame a woman for trying to give her children a family environment. This is a case of 'if you love them let them go' as if you really loved her, you would understand why she has done it...
Movingthrough Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 You cannot blame a woman for trying to give her children a family environment. This is a case of 'if you love them let them go' as if you really loved her, you would understand why she has done it... My argument to that would be she should have thought about that before getting with the OP and confessing her "love" etc, when in reality she still had an open wound from her past relationship. Overall i think its a respectful thing to try and keep it together for the kids, but you have to think ahead, leaving a relationship with baggage only to get into a new one and play love story with them, then go back, is like using someone to me. As an adult she needed to think more then right now and think ahead like maybe im not fully over my ex and that situation, so maybe i shouldnt be getting into a relationship right now.
depplover_1980 Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 But people are humans, they aren't programmed machines, many people are balls of need and compulsion. I have made a hell of a lot of mistakes to get to where I am, at times I have been pure selfish and now I am quite the opposite. It is very easy to sit and point out others errors, in this case I would agree BUT if fundamentally she is now thinking for her children and not herself, I would say it may be worth it for their sake. You could equally blame the OP for getting involved with a woman in her situation - for arguments sakes he should have just left it alone? But again I would defend he did what was right for him at the time and he also went with his 'heart'. Our hearts do seem to get us into trouble, which is why I think with my 'head' these days!
Movingthrough Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 But people are humans, they aren't programmed machines, many people are balls of need and compulsion. I have made a hell of a lot of mistakes to get to where I am, at times I have been pure selfish and now I am quite the opposite. It is very easy to sit and point out others errors, in this case I would agree BUT if fundamentally she is now thinking for her children and not herself, I would say it may be worth it for their sake. You could equally blame the OP for getting involved with a woman in her situation - for arguments sakes he should have just left it alone? But again I would defend he did what was right for him at the time and he also went with his 'heart'. Our hearts do seem to get us into trouble, which is why I think with my 'head' these days! I agree and i think we all do it. I do wish people would look more ahead though when using the L word and stuff. My biggest gripe out of my learning in life is that people would think before they speak, because in the end, emotions hurt. My ex did the typical "i love you, and want to spend the rest of my life with you", two days later she broke it off. To me its simple, think before you speak or at least try too . We do have to go with our hearts sometimes, and thats how we learn, it just sucks that people get hurt in the process.
depplover_1980 Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Hmmm people that say 'I love you and want to be with you' 2 days before dumping you are trying to convince themselves! In those cases zipping it shut is very much required!!
Whatshername Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Ouch. Yep, that is what I got. A 6:00 am voicemail, all sweet and yummy, ending with not love you, or love you bunches, but I love you (inset name). Call at lunch, call afternoon texts in btwn. Tues similar, Wed, one call, no texts, Th.......POOF
Author lovnlost Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 (edited) Thank you very much for your insight. It has been a rollacoaster to say the least. Dealing with NC the whole time and swimming for answers...well...I took it all so personal saying should woulda coulda when in fact it wasnt my fault. She made these decisions. Not me. I agree with the whole proving to everyone its the right choice concept. And while I understand where you are coming from, and that I need to work on me, its just so hard. Yes I led with my heart. Yes I should not have gotten in involved from the beginning....but its to late for that now. I am doing my best to move forward and....on. It will be some time before the whole in my soul fills again....but there will be a tender scare there as the walls around my heart are currently being rebuilt. I wish this wasnt the case. But it is how it goes for so many. The understand what you mean about having to "prove" to everyone that this is going to work. The divorce has been finalized already and she has only her parents to be a model of how a relationship should be. Interestingly enough her mother has done the same for 30 years. Stayed with a man because of the kids and has tried to leave severa times for it...but ever had the strength. She has had it, and now lost it. And I have told her before....this is very weak of her. She didnt like the truth so much. I know I cant talk with her. I cant share some of the amazing insights I have had since we split. This saddens because it is information that would be incredibly valuable to her even now. If this is the decision she made. So be it. I am not going to change that for her. Only she can learn on her own here. I wish I could help her understand though that it does not need to be this hard. That life isnt as complicated as she is making it out to be. That she can truly have the desires of heart if she wishes. But sacrifices must be made to accomplish such. You need to jump in order to learn how to fly....and to overcome your fear of heights. Thank you again for your insight. I will do my best to let her go so she can pursue whatever it is she is doing. I love and honor her even through this storm. Funny how that hasnt changed. I am trying to tell myself now...that even though this ended badly...I had the opportunity to love someone so beautifully, so complete and true. With out fear. To be vulnerable in her arms. This...is the substance of life and I have been privalged enough to be apart of it. I will forever be better and changed by it inside. Therefore, the memory of her will be sweet. And wonderful. Thats a nice change from what I think so many are not able to realize. Edited March 10, 2011 by lovnlost
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