tincanman99 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 So how bad is it to fade out on someone that you were really flirting with? I have been flirting with this woman for the last month and was getting ready to ask her but have changed my mind. Last week she took my number and email address. I found out some stuff I am sure I am comfortable with and think I want it to end before it goes any further. As we really dont have a relationship, how bad would it be for me to just stop talking/flirting with her? She shouldnt care, correct?
fishtaco Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I think it's no big deal. People change their minds all the time.
lenny Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I'm puzzled by why you want to fade rather than just be truthful. I have been on the receiving end of both and to be honest, never feel proper closure from a fade. I always wonder if it's just on a break and will pick up again or is it over. Plus, if there's any criticism I could learn from the experience I would welcome that. So why would you want to avoid a conversation that says "Hey, I just don't see this as going anywhere because ..... but I wish you the best of luck". Since your not even in dating stages, this convo could be a text or anything.
seekandfind Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I'm puzzled by why you want to fade rather than just be truthful. I have been on the receiving end of both and to be honest, never feel proper closure from a fade. I always wonder if it's just on a break and will pick up again or is it over. Plus, if there's any criticism I could learn from the experience I would welcome that. So why would you want to avoid a conversation that says "Hey, I just don't see this as going anywhere because ..... but I wish you the best of luck". Since your not even in dating stages, this convo could be a text or anything. Because it's awkward, not pleasant, and unnecessary? If it was actually something of substance than of course this conversation would be good, but it doesn't sound like they were very far in the dating stages. Don't be rude, just cut back and become busy. She will get the hint.
cerridwen Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 The flirting should definitely stop, but stop talking all together? That might create more drama than prevent it.
spackle Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 you're showing an interest in her by flirting and she 'shouldn't care' if you stop talking to her. Yeah I'd care. I'd think I did something wrong or you're a douche.
fishtaco Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 you're showing an interest in her by flirting and she 'shouldn't care' if you stop talking to her. Yeah I'd care. I'd think I did something wrong or you're a douche. Really? Hmm. Strange. It's common for women to flirt for fun or whatever, and have no intention of anything more. It happens so often I don't even think anything of it. Well, LS people tend to be more... nice I guess, than the people in the real world. This flirt then disappear thing is so common that I think it's no big deal. I just shrug when women do that to me, and I wouldn't think twice about doing it to some woman either. That's just part of dating. Even getting someone's number is no big deal. People flake, don't call back, whatever. It is what it is. If this is considered bad then the majority of the people in Southern California need to be purged. Maybe it's different elsewhere. I don't know.
Author tincanman99 Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 Really? Hmm. Strange. It's common for women to flirt for fun or whatever, and have no intention of anything more. It happens so often I don't even think anything of it. Well, LS people tend to be more... nice I guess, than the people in the real world. This flirt then disappear thing is so common that I think it's no big deal. I just shrug when women do that to me, and I wouldn't think twice about doing it to some woman either. That's just part of dating. Even getting someone's number is no big deal. People flake, don't call back, whatever. It is what it is. If this is considered bad then the majority of the people in Southern California need to be purged. Maybe it's different elsewhere. I don't know. Not just California, the rest of the country too...
Author tincanman99 Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 you're showing an interest in her by flirting and she 'shouldn't care' if you stop talking to her. Yeah I'd care. I'd think I did something wrong or you're a douche. So you never flirt with a guy and it just ends or goes beyond that?
fishtaco Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Not just California, the rest of the country too... That's what I thought. This fading out is extremely common. So that's why I think it's no big deal if you do the fade out too.
spackle Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 So you never flirt with a guy and it just ends or goes beyond that? he didn't just say flirt did he? He thought about asking her, he gave her his email and number. Which implies intent. He then said he was thinking of either fading or not speaking to her (ignoring her). To me that that is just bad manners.
fishtaco Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 he didn't just say flirt did he? He thought about asking her, he gave her his email and number. Which implies intent. He then said he was thinking of either fading or not speaking to her (ignoring her). To me that that is just bad manners. We are all judged based on our actions, not our intentions. Intent doesn't matter. Plus when a woman is flirting with me, I don't know her intentions. If she was just messing around with me, or she did intent on something more than just flirting but changed her mind later, it's all the same to me. I can't tell the difference. I agree it's bad manners, but it's something that EVERYONE does. So it's no big deal. Using intent as "the line in the sand" is dangerous. Because then I could claim to intent or un-intent many things, and I could get away with bad behaviors. Who knows my intentions except me? Action is the only thing that matters. More than words, more than intent.
New Again Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 As we really dont have a relationship, how bad would it be for me to just stop talking/flirting with her? She shouldnt care, correct? Whether she should or should not care doesn't matter, because she probably will care, regardless.
spackle Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 We are all judged based on our actions, not our intentions. Intent doesn't matter. Plus when a woman is flirting with me, I don't know her intentions. If she was just messing around with me, or she did intent on something more than just flirting but changed her mind later, it's all the same to me. I can't tell the difference. I agree it's bad manners, but it's something that EVERYONE does. So it's no big deal. Using intent as "the line in the sand" is dangerous. Because then I could claim to intent or un-intent many things, and I could get away with bad behaviors. Who knows my intentions except me? Action is the only thing that matters. More than words, more than intent. Everyone? Everyone in the world ever? It must mean it's ok if everyone is doing it. Intent kinda matters it shifts manslaughter to murder for starters. If a woman was flirting with a guy, gave out her number then vanished she would be called, rude, flaky and be accused of leading him on. All I'm saying is if he's changed his mind, fine, but tell her don't just blank the women he was interested in. What have SO many threads on LS shown us, people don't like being treated like that, they think it's ****ty. Sorry OP.
fishtaco Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Everyone? Everyone in the world ever? It must mean it's ok if everyone is doing it. Intent kinda matters it shifts manslaughter to murder for starters. Are you sure? There have been tribes and civilizations in the past where cannibalism was okay, where human sacrifices were okay. They are both considered extremely unacceptable for our current culture and civilization, but it wasn't always always this way. And for more recent cultural shifts, slavery makes an excellent example. First it was okay, now it's not. Culture decides what's okay and what's not. When in Rome, do what the Romans do. But either way, using "intent" to judge if an action is okay or not, is still at best an excuse. So if you think flirting with some guy, then disappear, is fine as long as you never intended it to go anywhere, then that mind set could be applied to many many other things, and it could be used against you as well. I still say action matters more than intent. So I still disagree with you on both points. If you want to say flirt & vanish is not okay, that's great, but then don't use intent as an excuse, and you should never ever do it yourself, no matter the intent. Follow your own advice. If you want to say flirt & vanish is no big deal (like me), then it doesn't matter. Intent doesn't even come into consideration. We can agree to disagree, but pick your side and stick with it. Practicing what you believe, even if I disagree with your beliefs, will earn my respect. But don't do the "I say this way, but I get to behave that way, as long as I have this intent".
East7 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Fading out is coward. Be a gentleman, she cares and she'll be hurt. Instead tell her you don't feel the same way as before and have a clean closure. Don't offer friendship BS if you don't really mean it.
daphne Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Well, LS people tend to be more... nice I guess, than the people in the real world. This flirt then disappear thing is so common that I think it's no big deal. You're kidding right? As for the fade, even though it does seem a little cold, it just means that someone chose not to pursue an interest. Sometimes, it can be more hurtful to enumerate the ways you think your'e not meant for each other. Who am I to tell some guy that what another girl might like about him is something that turns me off? I don't fade, however. When a guy continues to contact me and I'm not interested, I tell them I didn't feel a spark and if I like him as a person I'll tell him he's a great guy. There are some seriously crazy people that think that just because you flirt with someone means you are committed to seeing it through to some sort of relationship status. Those people need to get over it. Sometimes it feels good to make someone else feel attractive. More often you are seeing if there's chemistry and connection and you get to interact with someone to see if it's something you'd like to pursue. Anyone has the right to change their mind at any time. We're not meant to be with every person we flirt with. It's a seriously rigid way of thinking.
fishtaco Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 You're kidding right? No I'm not. Women flirt all the time when they have no intention of following up. Then I come on LS and everyone act like as if that's an evil thing to do. So my only conclusion is that LS people must be extra nice. Because my real world experience certainly isn't like this.
Author tincanman99 Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 Frankly I dont want to have that conversation. Its easier to just stop talking to her. Say hi and go about my business. Most women have no shortage of men, I am sure she has other admirers. Its no different than women giving guys their number and than never picking up.
fishtaco Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Its no different than women giving guys their number and than never picking up. My thoughts exactly. There has been MANY thread here on LS of guys going... she gave me her number, but now she won't call me back, what do I do? And the responses are invariably, that means she's not interested, move on. That's about as basic as it gets. I don't see how this would be any different. Unless the rule is women can flake on men, but men can't flake on women.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Frankly I dont want to have that conversation. Its easier to just stop talking to her. Say hi and go about my business. Most women have no shortage of men, I am sure she has other admirers. Its no different than women giving guys their number and than never picking up. So the " intent" of this thread was for a majority vote, right? ( haha, sorry couldn't resist) I will say the " fade" is common in the dating world, and as cowardly and meanspirited it will make you in her eyes, no, you do not own her an explanation for why you decided to back out. Although, the " polite" thing would ask that you actually say something, you're not obligated. The point here is, we can argue the rights and wrongs of our behaviours, but when we face the tougher decisions, we follow the path that woul benefit us the most.
daphne Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 No I'm not. Women flirt all the time when they have no intention of following up. Then I come on LS and everyone act like as if that's an evil thing to do. So my only conclusion is that LS people must be extra nice. Because my real world experience certainly isn't like this. Lol. I meant you're kidding that everyone on LS is super nice.
daphne Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Its no different than women giving guys their number and than never picking up. I agree. Especially since I think you guys haven't even gone out yet, if I'm not mistaken? If I've gone out with someone I give the courtesy I think you're great speech. Otherwise, I don't see anything wrong with fading. What good could possibly come from you telling her "Hey, you're a rich girl and I have an issue with it."
fishtaco Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Lol. I meant you're kidding that everyone on LS is super nice. Oh LOL, I got the wrong part. Women are from Venus, or something like that. I think if he goes to talk to her about "not pursuing her", when nothing significant has even happened up to this point, it'll actually come off as creepy.
OliveOyl Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 If they haven't even gone out yet, I think the fade is more appropriate. Don't you think it preserves dignity a bit more? Otherwise it's like this: "Sorry, I was going to ask you out, but because you're <insert some reason> I decided there is no spark and we shouldn't continue flirting." which may lead her to respond like: "Hey buddy, whaddya talking about? What made you think I even wanted to go out with you in the first place? I was just having fun chatting!" Do people really want the "no spark" speech even when there's been no discussion of a date?
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