10yearsgone Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Well its been 5 months, ive got advice from everywhere, Magic of making up, every internet site, even here. Basically dated a girl for 10, almost 11 years, and she was my fiance, and 4 months before the wedding, i came clean. admitted i cheated on her many times, and told her because i was cheating on her with a girl i was still "with" at the time, who i thought i wanted to be with more than anything. so, for the first 4 months after the breakup, we were closer than ever! being intimate, and it was really great, but i was STILL with the other girl on the side, and the lust, etc...was still keeping me with the girl on the side. My and my x lived together up until around new years, when she moved back with her parents. after 4 months of the breakup in june, she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore, and started to date other, which just killed me. I had no idea of the hurt i caused her. i thought i kinda knew, but i just had no idea. i moved out for 5 weeks, to just give her space, hoping she would miss me, and did awesome at no contact. she contacted me first around thanksgiving to say hi, have a good thanksgiving. I was ecstatic, but nothing changed. so i moved back, and it was really difficult, and i was making it awkward i think, so she moved out. i again tried NC, which worked, but i still sent her i love you texts, letters, etc...we had a blowout at a bar one night, where i was screaming at her because i thought she was telling lies, and i ended up leaving, quite upset and crying. lately, we have been texting/emailing politely, even joking slightly. she is still dating other people, and said dating sucks, but she wants to be happy, and its better this way (meaning that we arent together). she knows i still love her because i text it to her once in a while still. she will on occasion, text me out of the blue, but its usually when she needs something. Today, i asked her to a hockey game in 3 weeks, thinking she might say yes because of our recently being more friendly. and she said yes, but only as friends. Its a step in the right direction right? am i setting myself up for dissapointment here? i honestly dont expect anything to re-kindle, but i just want her to see that ive changed. I was the same person for 10 years (immature, hanging out with friends a lot, etc..) and i am honestly, a different person. it took this incredible pain to realize that i was an *******. ive hung out with my friends ive neglected, given my family more time, tried to better myself, and i have. basically, is there a chance things can re-kindle down the line? i am just hoping for a good time at the game, and that she can see im still fun, and that we had great times together. after the game, i plan on not initiating contact, to see what happens. thanks for the help, its been 5 months since she stopped loving me, and i still feel the same way as i did that day, i miss her more than ever! thanks in advance!!!
dreamingoftigers Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Have you lookedat sexual addiction as a possible reason for cheating and dishonesty?
dreamingoftigers Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 By the way a lot of people are going to hut you like a ton of bricks on here, just take what is good and what works for you.
Author 10yearsgone Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 yeah i figured as much. I know it was an ******* thing to do, so, bash away. that being said, im asking for help as well...ive done all the repenting and self hatred, etc, that i can do.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Okay, so why the dishonesty and cheating? The odds are incredibly low at this point for reconciliation but you may have some light shining through at this end of this tunnel.
Author 10yearsgone Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 To be honest...because i was getting away with it, and it was easy to do because we lived far apart. I thought i was cool doing it, and that it made me "the man", but now, it just makes me feel empty about doing so. There is no excuse for it, i know that. I looked into finding out why i was "addicted" to it, but i could never figure it out.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 You sound like my husband. No offense or anything, just sounds very similar. Guessing there is some family instability in your background, maybe a demanding or inconsistent mother? Okay so the first thing you would need to do is to work on being honest with yourself and show done major consistency in your actions, trust me, I have been on the other dide of this equation for two years. 1. Not getting caught does not mean that you are not doing serious damage to yourself (yes you!) and your partner. Whether or not you get back together with your gf, you seriously need to deal with this issue or it will impact how you feel about yourself and will also impact your quality of life. If you don't work out the disparity between your values and your sexual/intimate template, you will have to choose: not to become relationally involved with anyone try to satisfy the sex end of things OR you end up in a relationship with someone that is always poised to painfully collapse. Just thought that I would clear that up because a lot of guys with this issue try to justify it and have their cake and eat it too. You cannot sustain it, and YES there is a problem! I strongly suggest you check out done literature on sexual addiction ( nothis doesn't mean you are a flasher or pedo or anything) but if you are finding yourself being chronically dishonest to those you are sexually involved with then I would strongly suggest going overkill to fix the issue. Quite frankly if you have an issue with SA whatsoever but you think it is a "small one" then I honestly suggest that you use a nuclear device to destroy the mosquito. It is that important. Furthermore if you wanted to share with verifiable steps what you are going through with your ex then that would buy you some serious serious trust currency. You were together a long time, the smallest most consistent trust-building action would show more then any essay of "I'll never do it again, I love you." could ever do. No offense but your word is going to have the trading value of a piece of poo, same with any promises, but if you can show that you acknowledge that you have an issue, and a rather embarrassing, shameful one that you can attack as an adult with honesty, openness, and transparency, then a lot if her anger and resentment may disappear. As well you will begin to feel better about yourself and feel those odd stray pieces of your life come into focus. Start small but be consistent, the fact that she is willing to talk to you and see you is pretty big. Keep very positive when you do see her.
Author 10yearsgone Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 i understand what you are saying, i guess i have a lot of things to look into. Id like to get help, if indeed there is a problem. I will do anything to make it right again, and hopefully capture the woman i love again. Just seems telling someone you have a SA, might seem like doing more harm than good, but then again...what do i know, cuz here i am, getting help for things that have gotten me into trouble. now that the NC time is somewhat over, i just did call her tonight for the first time in 5 months +/-, but no answer. i didnt leave a message, hoping it would make her wonder and wonder why i called. thinking i should ask her to a short lunch before we go to a hockey game together, just to get any awkwardness over.
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