silaren Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 (edited) Recently, I 'met' someone online. We went from messages to IMs and then phone calls. But have not met because there are a few thousand miles between us and our schedules aren't clear at the moment. Every day, we've spent hours on the phone and we've fallen for each other. He's been separated and living independently for almost five years. During that time he has only had a handful of casual dates and only since he filed for divorce last year. Today, he told me that he wasn't officially divorced yet. He found out that his wife's lawyer postponed the final court date until next month and felt that he couldn't keep withholding this from me and not give me the chance to pull out. When we 'met', it was a few days before his final court date - the one that got postponed. During their separation, he suspects that his wife may have married someone else in secret and is now 'with' him. There are also two teenaged children involved, who he gets custody of at the weekends. They appear really happy for him and us, when I spoke to them briefly over the phone. As a former BS who was cheated on, I have a strong aversion to what I see as cheating and I have an even stronger aversion to being the other woman. I know what I feel (love and attraction) and want (him) but I also don't want to be in a position that seems 'wrong' somehow where I have to justify my position. Part of me is thinking that perhaps we should go cold turkey until his divorce is final and it will be a good test of how strongly we feel about each other. Another part of me can't bear the thought of going through what is essentially a breakup and I know that I don't want to live my life giving second chances when it should be 'right first time'. I can't bear not hearing his voice and sharing the details of our lives, yet I don't want to make excuses for him or us nor hide our relationship. We had planned to meet in a few weeks' time but his new work schedule doesn't permit it. And now given the latest news, I don't plan to meet him at all until the divorce is final. I'd appreciate any thoughts, personal stories, etc. Edited March 8, 2011 by silaren
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I got a weird feeling about this one. It just seems so 'timingly perfect' how things aren't falling into place anymore.. You don't really know this guy well. You know what he's told you. You don't know anybody IRL who knows him, who can verify, or speak on behalf of him, what type of man he is. Listen to your gut. If it feels "off" or you think that his situation with his wife, what he's telling you about her doesn't make sense, chances are, it's crap/over exaggerated/lies.. Protect yourself. Detach and see what happens. Not saying cut him out of your life, but let his actions prove to you if he's actually being sincere and honest or if he is playing you and just looking for an affair. On or offline. Focus on friends and family in your life. Put a time limit on this. like by the time Spring or early summer comes and he's still not divorced, then reassess if it's worth staying.
fooled once Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I got a weird feeling about this one. It just seems so 'timingly perfect' how things aren't falling into place anymore.. You don't really know this guy well. You know what he's told you. You don't know anybody IRL who knows him, who can verify, or speak on behalf of him, what type of man he is. Listen to your gut. If it feels "off" or you think that his situation with his wife, what he's telling you about her doesn't make sense, chances are, it's crap/over exaggerated/lies.. Protect yourself. Detach and see what happens. Not saying cut him out of your life, but let his actions prove to you if he's actually being sincere and honest or if he is playing you and just looking for an affair. On or offline. Focus on friends and family in your life. Put a time limit on this. like by the time Spring or early summer comes and he's still not divorced, then reassess if it's worth staying. Ditto. I also find it creepy that you have spoken with his children. Sorry, but you don't know this guy from Adam. I really doubt his kids are 'happy' that you and their dad are talking all the time. I mean, how much attention is he paying his children since you and he are either on the phone or on the computer talking for hours upon end? How long have you been talking to him? You two live thousands of miles apart .... it isn't as if this is something that will develop into anything permanent unless you move where he is, because I can't image a father moving away from his kids. It all sounds too weird to me. He was dishonest about his marital status. Now the court is postponed? And he didn't know this? Does he not have a lawyer? Sounds very fishy and honestly not something that is a good idea. Sorry
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 During their separation, he suspects that his wife may have married someone else in secret and is now 'with' him. If this is true, he can talk to his lawyer and get the law involved. Isn't it illegal to marry someone else when you're still married? Sorry, I think he's feeding you crap. You love him and see him in a certain light. There's a HUGE side of him, parts of him you have no idea about. The fantasy of it all, the online thing, you're caught up in and your imagination automatically can fill in the blanks of who you want him to be..Or who you think he can be/ or is. Slow this down. YOu're going to get hurt if you don't. There are also two teenaged children involved, who he gets custody of at the weekends. They appear really happy for him and us, when I spoke to them briefly over the phone. Oh I missed this. How could they appear happy for the two of you when you spoke to them "briefly"? Did he tell you this or did they actually say, Hey you make my dad happy and we're so pleased to have you in my dad's life. Or something along those lines? Also, do they know you're the girlfriend, or do they think you're a friend. Big difference..
BB07 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Well my bull****e meter is going off like crazy, red lights all over the place. Of course I could be projecting somewhat but what the heck. I think this man is lying out of his arse to you. The good thing (for him) is that you have no way to verify any of it. You'd be shocked to find out what some men who claim they are separated will do to convince a woman that it's true. I'm even suspicious of the so called children you talked briefly to. And men who claimed they are separated but who are not can come up with a million excuses as to why the court date gets put off, believe me.........I learned all this the hard way. Don't be a trusting fool, either back off and tell him to call you when the divorce goes thru and oh heck yea you better verify it, (Not hard to do) or do some detective work NOW.
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 and tell him to call you when the divorce goes thru and oh heck yea you better verify it, (Not hard to do) or do some detective work NOW. Idea! If you can afford it, why not hire a PI? Wouldn't that be helpful to find out if he is telling the truth or lying the whole time. Even more so since you don't live anywhere close to where he lives. Just something to think about ..
TigerCub Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Hey Silaren, Yeah, I'm sorry, but that whole story doesn't add up. If they were separated for 5 years - why didnt they divorce sooner - who wants to be in limbo? ie - be separated, but legally bound to someone? Also, if this soon to be xW is married to someone else - why would she be getting her lawyer to postpone the divorce? - AGAIN, this makes absolutely no sense. WWIU's suggestion about hiring a PI would be awesome but if too costly - do this instead: Bluff him: tell him that you got x amount of time off work and you're booking a flight to come see him and stay with him for a few days. See what he says to that, if he makes up reasons right away for why you can't come visit- you certainly have your answers then & there You don't actually book a ticket, but if he doesn't object tell him - yeah its booked for 1 month from the time you talk to him and see if he comes up with excuses until then. If he's married and (ya know living with his W would kinda put a damper on the romantic vacation) then he'll for sure come up with stuff to get you to cancel your trip. I say bluff him and see what happens. If by the time the 1 month rolls around and no excuses come from him - then you just tell him that something came up and you can't come... I'd be really curious to see what happens - because the MM would certainly squirm at that (even if he acts all happy in the beginning they will find all reasons under the sun to stop you - if you're gonna blow his cover with his W).
complicatedlife Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I'd check with the courts for verification. Sounds weird.
alexandria35 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I gotta agree with everyone else, this whole situation sounds kind of strange. He just happened to meet you a couple of days before his divorce would be final and then said divorce is postponed, by his wife, who is secretly married to someone else. Okaaaay? You mentioned you met him online. Was this on a dating site? I ask because I'm very suspicious of guys who sign up on dating sites and then start hitting on women who live too far away to actually start a real relationship with them. I have an ex who let me see his dating profile once and I noticed that he was being hit on by some very nice looking women who lived hundreds of miles away. My ex completely ignored them and when I asked him why he said he wanted to really meet someone, in the flesh, so he could get to know them in real life and hopefully have some real physical contact. I would think this would be true of most men who are serious about meeting someone and who have nothing to hide. I also personally know someone who took off to live with a man she had never even met. At the time they were spending 3-4 hours a day, everyday, on the phone and she wholeheartedly believed that he was her soulmate. When she told me she was leaving our city to go live with him I thought she had lost her marbles. She insisted that through their long conversations she knew everything about him and believed that they had an even deeper connection than most couples because the distance meant they had to verbally communicate much more than most people do. So off she went to live with him. This guy turned out to be such a loser and user. My friend had been very emotionally needy when she met him and she soon realized the terrible mistake she had made. She was back within a year but it sure took an emotiona toll on her. Be very careful here. You can't really know someone by just talking to them and never seeing them in their real day to day life. I think this kind of communication can heighten the feelings of an emotional connection and romance but it is very deceiving. All of your feelings are based on the picture he is painting for you and not on what you are seeing with your own eyes. Remember that saying, believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.
uncool Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 be careful w/his emotions thinking he's an ax murderer and all. If I was that guy and finally met a woman to fill that big empty hole in my heart after 5 yrs and she suddenly ran away cold turkey just when I needed her most... I'd be hurt and not really be open to getting her back... I'd think she could just bail at any moment after that and not trust her anymore. He's already had his wife bail on him... he's not looking for someone else to leave him also. If I were him I wouldn't let you back in and look for someone else who I could trust better. Nothing worse than opening yourself up after 5yrs of hell just to get slammed again.
BB07 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 be careful w/his emotions thinking he's an ax murderer and all. If I was that guy and finally met a woman to fill that big empty hole in my heart after 5 yrs and she suddenly ran away cold turkey just when I needed her most... I'd be hurt and not really be open to getting her back... I'd think she could just bail at any moment after that and not trust her anymore. He's already had his wife bail on him... he's not looking for someone else to leave him also. If I were him I wouldn't let you back in and look for someone else who I could trust better. Nothing worse than opening yourself up after 5yrs of hell just to get slammed again. I get your point but it's really bad to find out you've been conned also. She needs to verify what he has told her for her own protection. There are a lot of wolves in sheeps clothing out there.
carhill Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Hi OP, welcome to LS Request the court docket number from your gentleman friend and peruse the progress of his lengthly divorce at your leisure. In Cali, I watched ours online. Fun. IMO, schedules are choices. We each make choices. If you and he wish to be together physically, you will. The reality is that one or both of you would rather keep this 'intimacy' virtual. Not unusual, and it's happened to me many times in life, as I have traveled extensively. People are strange creatures when one proactively moves to real life interactions. It's good information. Personally, I think he's full of 'creative truth'. YMMV
SoleMate Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Just like everyone else, I find this MM's story exceedingly fishy. The icing on the cake was his "suspicion that his wife is secretly married to another"! That is just incredible in many ways....that it could ever happen....that he would know about it....that he would not be able to prove it....that he would think you would care. Even if this laughable story is correct, her supposed bigamous attempted marriage does NOTHING to regularize HIS situation vis-a-vis YOU. ...have not met because there are a few thousand miles between us and our schedules aren't clear at the moment.....We had planned to meet in a few weeks' time but his new work schedule doesn't permit it. I think you'll continue to find that his "schedule" is quite irregular and things pop up at just the right time to prevent you from learning the truth.
Author silaren Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 Main themes (if there's anything I've missed, please let me know, I'm not trying to avoid any of your questions): Kids - as well as talking to them, I heard them in the background asking him if he liked me and squealing about how happy they are. Of course, they could be 'fake' - as preposterous as that sounds, I suppose it could be an elaborate hoax. He told me that he talks to them about 3 or 4 times a week and the times that we talk do not impact on his time with the kids - though granted, I've only his word for it. His ID - he's in the army. Returned from Iraq last year due to his father being chronically ill and also filed for D. He has been on full pay/compassionate leave but returned on Monday. He's offered to give me his social security number, which apparently I can use to verify his identity via the Red Cross. I also know where he is based and a general overview of what he will be doing. As an aside, two of his years of separation were spent in Iraq, which explains some of the separation time. His father passed away recently - I've verified this online - the names match up. I also have pictures of him in uniform with his name badge, rank and company insignia. Casual pics show the same person and also some show his kids. His new schedule since Monday - it's been defined for the entire year and so he can give me all his leave days in advance now. My schedule is not so easy to sort out or plan in advance. But good point regarding if we want to make it happen then we will. His ongoing divorce - I found the case report and all the dates seem to match with what he has told me, including the final court date and names of his wife and kids. It also gives the date of separation which confirms that it was approximately five years ago. Yes, he does have a laywer and he knew the final court date had been postponed but did not know the new date until the day he he told me that he was still married - finding out the date prompted him to come clean. His wife - he has considered asking his lawyer to subpoena documents but thinks that it will delay the divorce if there are potential criminal proceedings and won't make a difference in the grand scheme of things - she is still going to see that guy and he's still going to try to see me. Personally, I'd want to know but I'm not going to force that on him. For my own curiosity though, if someone knows a way to verify marriages online (for free), I'd be interested. Phone time - we talk mostly in the evenings/overnight as well as daytime - the only people I've heard in the background are his mom, kids and work colleagues. We've been speaking on the phone for almost a week. Meeting - we did meet through a dating website - he signed up a few days before his divorce was meant to be final. In terms of face-to-face, before he told me that he was still married, he had offered to buy me a ticket to fly out to see him. I said that I'd rather wait until we got to know each other better. Now I've told him that I will definitely not meet him at all unless he's officially divorced. He's offered to email me the papers as soon as the divorce is final. Relocation - I'm planning to spend some time abroad in the next year or two and would be open to relocating though have not decided on the location yet. His emotions - he's mentioned a period of depression in the past, particularly with regard to his failed marriage. I've also read his forum posts on another forum dated early separation but pre-D-filing (he gave me his forum ID). Not sure about bluffing him, not sure that I could pull that one off because it requires stretching the truth and I don't want to do that. My conclusion is that unless he's taken on the life of this guy and it's all fake - it's a pretty elaborate and potentially expensive hook-up. Doesn't mean it's not possible but I think it's highly improbable. I'm going to heed the calls to slow down and try to get clear of the fog. I particularly appreciate the horror story and will take this as a wake-up call. I think that just about covers everything raised so far. Thank you very much everyone. If anyone has any other thoughts, I'd be happy to hear them.
2sure Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Since you have spoken to his teenage children , he is probably being honest with you regarding the status of his seperation. 5 years is a long time for a divorce to take so I would wonder about the reasons for that. But you havent met him in person yet. A lot can change between phone calls and distance and real contact. I would try to stop analyzing so much about what could happen until talking on the phone is not the only option. Try to stop investing yourself so much emotionally until you have met him in person. THEN decide how to proceed.
carhill Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 For my own curiosity though, if someone knows a way to verify marriages online (for free), I'd be interested. Ask him which county and state he was married in and go to that county's recorder site and see if they have an online record search. Ours does and I just searched and found marriage dates of a number of former classmates. Ours didn't show up because our marriage was licensed and occurred in Hawaii, but would appear in the Honolulu County records.
BB07 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Well I guess I should admit that my radar detector may have been spitting out wrong information. OP........proceed cautiously and I think 2sure gave you some great advice.
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