TheHandyMan02 Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Hi, two months ago i broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half. We lived two hours away from each other but we always managed to see each other on weekends and decided to make it work. She was my first girlfriend and i was quite in love with her and was somewhat ignorant and also somewhat of a pushover. When we first met we clicked immediately and soon began dating. We had a rough first six months and broke up two times but eventually got back together. After we got back together for the last time We said I love you and we had both had some of the best experiences we have ever had. We were closer to each other than we have ever been with anyone and everything seemed great. Right before the summer of last year we ran into problems, her family vacations in New Hampshire for the entire summer and we would not see each other for months but we decided to stay together. The night before she left i discovered that she had cheated on me earlier on in our relationship. This traumatized me but like i mentioned earlier i was a pushover and forgave her too easily. She then left for the summer and we did not see each other. the combination of the cheating and then immediately not seeing her for months served to drive a wedge between us ( At least for me). I slowly felt myself falling out of love with her and noticed that i was becoming increasingly shut off. She noticed it as well and brought it up to me several times and i could tell it was always on her mind but i always denied it. several more months went by and the distance only increased, i began to know in the back of my mind that the end was coming. however, i denied it even to myself, i still cared for her a great deal even though i knew it would no longer work. I could not bring myself to hurt her in such a way and stayed in this state for several months. I knew in the back of my mind that this was not love and that at 18 years old i wanted more passion and excitement in my relationship ( There is a difference between wanting sex and wanting passion, throughout the years that we dated we never had sex because she wasn't ready and i respected that). I wanted to try dating other people and to be more independent of this relationship that she thought was going to last until marriage. i felt like i was suffocating. I eventually ended it which hurt her a great deal. she has accused me of being a cold person and for breaking all my promises. My question is, am i bad person for wanting more passion and experience at a young age? And am i a bad person for treating her in the way that i did. I told her that i wanted to marry her and that i loved her but that was before that summer and at the time those things were true. I never yelled at her, cheated on her, or disrespected her. i know i could have been more careful with her feelings but i am young and this was my first relationship. Am i a bad person?
Saphira Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 i dont think you are a bad person. it didnt seem like it was too great anyway. with the cheating and distance. But if she saw it as coming into more, marriage and stuff, then she most likely said those things out of hurt. you cant stay with her just because of what she wants. because it will hurt her more if you are in it but not all the way. It would be worse if you stayed in a relationship but wasnt completely commited to the relationship.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 I think you are the opposite of a bad person! When people cheat they seem to often not realize the trauma and damage that it causes, they also seem to put the blame on others. I do not think that you should feel bad about "breaking promises" to someone that gas so clearly violated basic relationship promises. She may he feeling bad about what happened to your relationship and us projecting it on to you as well. The dumpee has not gone through all of the grief and adjustment that the dumper gas gone through. Next time: set the bar higher, make your boundaries and needs known (and stick to them) and if you know that you aren't going to bs in the relationship then end it instead if wasting someone else's tone and feelings. It isn't bad to want better for yourself at all, but it isn't right to put someone on ice either. If it was that you weren't sure and you were trying to make it work, then that is different. I think you'll do just fine as long as you watch how others treat you and you treat them. Good luck!
Author TheHandyMan02 Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 Thank you for saying that i really appreciate it. I feel awful knowing i hurt her and it seems like selfish reasons to break up with someone even though i know you have to be selfish sometimes.
fresh8 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Every breakup has one person more hurt than the other. If it is any consolation to you, you broke her heart so she's going to move on pretty quickly. So right now, you should just worry about yourself. You said it's your first relationship. Sounds like mine. I had a gf at 17 and we dated 1.5 years like you. She went overseas for 6 months. I waited because before she left, I realized I did care about her more than I thought I did. We spent 6 months together when she got back before I dumped her because I did not feel like she was the one for me. I foolishly hung out with her because I felt bad that I hurt her and in the end she hurt me back by dating (and still is) a guy who used to be one of my best friends. Don't let that happen to you.
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