When your partner says stuff about the people they dated before you

[TruthSetsYouFree]

My boyfriend and I have been together for several months. In all, the relationship has gone well, but there is one issue that I am not sure how to interpret and would appreciate some outside opinions. My boyfriend is great about telling me how beautiful he thinks I am, etc. and I do not doubt his sincerity or attraction toward me. However, at times in conversation, he'll make reference to his ex-wife, ex-girlfriends, and previous sexual flings. He hasn't been with that many women (less than 10) but he has said stuff like, "I consider myself to be a 7, but I never date or sleep with a woman who is less than an 8." He'll say how his ex-wife had the body of a swimsuit model and would turn every man's head when they went out but that she was absolutely lousy in bed, or he'll say how his girlfriend before me got very jealous and insecure when she saw what a few of his previous partners looked like. I will say he doesn't just throw these little morsels of information out there haphazardly, but it makes me wonder WHY even say such things? I mean, I don't talk about how good looking the men I was with before him are (and most of them were very good looking) because I see no real need to make such comments. My friend I talked to about this said she thinks he may be more insecure than he has let on and this is his way of telling me that he's a catch and I should be aware of that. He's not that young - 31- but I am thinking of telling him that I am not interested in hearing about the women he dated before me.

[D-Lish]

My friend I talked to about this said she thinks he may be more insecure than he has let on and this is his way of telling me that he's a catch and I should be aware of that. He's not that young - 31- but I am thinking of telling him that I am not interested in hearing about the women he dated before me.

 

I happen to agree with your friend, it does sound like an insecurity issue. It's his way of trying to convince you he's worthy of desire- and in doing so, he's actually provoking your insecurities. He may not realize what he's doing is pretty rude, but I can't help but think that on some level that he knows exactly what he's doing when he brings these things up.

 

I def think you need to point this out to him. I'd just be matter of fact in your approach, and tell him discussing ex's isn't appropriate.

 

I dated a guy that used to bring up his ex's physical traits, and it drove me crazy. All that did was rev up my own insecurities and put a wedge of resentment between us.

 

Hopefully, when you tell him how you feel, he doesn't turn things around and make you feel like you are the one with the issue. If he does, move on.

[freestyle]

I'm going to agree with D-Lish here---it's the kind of thing that's bound to press anyone's insecurity buttons. (I've had a few guys in my past pull that same crap, too)

 

It's possible he's doing it to boost his own ego

 

OR

 

it's also possible that he's trying to make you insecure, so you "step up your game" or start jumping through more hoops to please him, or prove that you're better that the ex.

 

 

If he continues to do this after you talk to him....introduce him to the curb, he's playing head games at the expense of your feelings.Or at the very least...he's showing himself to be very callous and insensitive. It's disrespectful to you, and to his exes as well.

[D-Lish]

I'm going to agree with D-Lish here---it's the kind of thing that's bound to press anyone's insecurity buttons. (I've had a few guys in my past pull that same crap, too)

 

It's possible he's doing it to boost his own ego

 

OR

 

it's also possible that he's trying to make you insecure, so you "step up your game" or start jumping through more hoops to please him, or prove that you're better that the ex.

 

 

If he continues to do this after you talk to him....introduce him to the curb, he's playing head games at the expense of your feelings.Or at the very least...he's showing himself to be very callous and insensitive. It's disrespectful to you, and to his exes as well.

 

I agree- and it's hard to tell without knowing the guy if he's just misguided and going about things the wrong way, or, he's a seasoned player that knows exactly what he's doing when he says these kinds of things.

 

I think his response will indicate his true colours. If he gets defensive and tries to turn it around and tell the OP that she is the one with the issues, then she'll know he's not the right guy for her. If he listens and makes an effort to stop the ex talk- then he's probably just misguided and worthy of a second chance.

[paleblue]

i think its a combination of insecurity and maturity level. not a huge deal, just kinda annoying. no harm in telling him it's a turn off.

 

i will have to disagree with the not young comment tho - ha.

[TruthSetsYouFree]

Thank you all for your replies! I agree with what you proposed - that a lot of it is borne of his own insecurities. However, regardless of the reason behind the comments, I am going to tell him to refrain from discussing the women he was with before me in such a way because it makes me feel negatively about myself. He compliments me plenty so I don't feel that he says more about them than he does about me, but it is simply unnecessary. And if fuels a type of obsession in me where I try to track down the few women whose names I know on the Internet so that I can see a photo of them to either validate or disprove his claims. This is not a behavior I want to continue or give in to.

[betterdeal]

As a man who has done this, and had it done to me, I don't really know why I said those things, nor why they said them to me.

 

I think you can respond to it in such a way that guarantees the best possible result by making clear what you feel about it, what you feel about him, and offering to listen to any concerns, fears, or things he's just not sure about regards your relationship with each other. That kind of covers any insecurity that may be there, sets a boundary, and gives him a prompt to open up about anything in the present that is worrying him. For example:

 

He: My ex-wife was a swimsuit model!

 

You: I feel a bit awkward when you discuss your former lovers with me. It makes me feel a bit insecure, to be honest. Is there any reason you're bringing these thoughts up? Maybe there's something we can discuss about us? You're a lovely guy, and I'd like to be confident you've left the past in the past and that we resolve any problems between us without referring to the past. Does that make sense?

[TruthSetsYouFree]

@Betterdeal: Bummer. I wish you had some clue why you said things to the people you dated to your present partner. It would help me understand a little why my bf has done it to me! But I really like the way you proposed discussing it with him when he does it again. Actually, I may just bring it up and not wait for him to do it again! It perplexes me. He has told me from the day we met that he finds me to be the most beautiful woman he's known (true or not true he was saying this before the whole hot-exes stuff started coming out) so I never felt he was comparing me to them or vice versa necessarily. But he also KNOWS I have issues with my appearance that caused me to do not-so-nice things to myself in the past, so it makes me wonder why he'd say these things (as true as they may actually be) to me.

[Destiny Rose]

I'm sorry if this sounds cynical but it sounds to me like he's trying to elicit jealousy. Maybe his insecurity issues are such that he needs the attention that creating jealousy will give him.

[betterdeal]

@Betterdeal: Bummer. I wish you had some clue why you said things to the people you dated to your present partner. It would help me understand a little why my bf has done it to me!

 

Only he can know why and even he may not know. But what's more important to you? Knowing why he says these things or knowing he won't say them in the future?

 

But I really like the way you proposed discussing it with him when he does it again. Actually, I may just bring it up and not wait for him to do it again!

 

That's a good idea!

 

It perplexes me. He has told me from the day we met that he finds me to be the most beautiful woman he's known (true or not true he was saying this before the whole hot-exes stuff started coming out) so I never felt he was comparing me to them or vice versa necessarily. But he also KNOWS I have issues with my appearance that caused me to do not-so-nice things to myself in the past, so it makes me wonder why he'd say these things (as true as they may actually be) to me.

 

My guess is he needs a little guidance in how to be part of a healthy, enjoyable, meaningful relationship.

 

The basic template for discussing just about anything is thus:

 

1. State how you feel about it

2. State what you want

3. Offer a way for the other person to explain their side of the issue

[race_engine]

self-validation, plain and simple. maybe a little insecurity, but not as much as a self-validation issue. some guys use that as a way to feel more powerful, or to try and impress you (i know it doesn't impress, it's just annoying and unnecessary) but to him it's a way of letting you see what an awesome guy he is, in a strange weird way if that makes sense to you. i'm a guy so i would know lol. i don't use this tactic but i know a lot of guys who do, it's pretty immature, but i think it's harmless. he probably means nothing by it, he's just trying to act like an alpha male or whatever, if i were you i would just politely tell him next time he does it (keyword POLITELY, don't bash his ego hahaha) just let him know that you don't really like when he does that and that he doesn't need to tell you about his past and all the "hott" girls he dated and all that because he's with you now and shouldn't be thinking about them, he should only be focused on you. i'm sure if you put it like that he'll get the picture and probably cut down on those bragging stories. you may have to tell him a couple times. he'll probably cut down though and then stop once he realizes he sounds like an idiot and that you don't care lol.

[TruthSetsYouFree]

@Race Engine: Thank you so much for your reply! I really appreciate your male point of view on the issue. =) I did speak to him about this the other night. The conversation went well - much better than I expected. I told him that I found it unnecessary to hear about how "hot" his former relations were. (I have actually seen one of these exes and while she is attractive, she isn't drop-dead-knock-me-out gorgeous.) I told him that I refrain from mentioning how good looking the men in my past were (in all honesty if I were to play his silly game I could say that the men in my past were at least an "8" too!) but I don't talk about that because it is inappropriate and has nothing to do with our relationship. Plus, I do believe that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder and what may be beautiful/handsome to one person may not be that much so to another. And vice versa. I think the main reason this made me so insecure is that I imagined these women to be breathtaking. However, we live in the same small town and while there are plenty of good looking women here, I have seen very few that I would qualify as breathtaking. Which leads me to assume that I allowed his comments to mean more than they really do in reality, if that makes sense. I do agree with you, Race Engine, that a lot of it IS self-validation on his part. He DOES talk quite a bit about how good he is at a multitude of things, more so than your average person. So I'd say you're most likely right that his saying none of the women from his past were below an "8" is simply part of that self-ego boosting behavior. Plus, who actively goes out and dates or sleeps with someone they don't find physically attractive? In this way, I also find his comments to be a bit ridiculous. Thank you again!!

[race_engine]

you're welcome