Tres Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 My the only son is 26. He is married and he loves his wife a lot. I have no husband and a few friends. I do feel so lonely because my son is so distant from me. He neglects me and he does not need me at all. But, I have never told him that I feel this way. The only thing that he likes is accepting gifts and money from me. When I ask him to help me with advice or to do smth physical that I can not do, he is busy or reluctant to help. I do not have anyone else except him to help me that is why I wish he cared for me. I am not that kind of a mother who is looking for constant attention or very controlling. All I want is that when I need him to help me, he would be there for me. I do not need him often because I am kind of young. But, I feel sad thinking about future when I might need his help more often. I have paid for his education and, presently, I am giving him some money to help to buy an apartment. But, I do not have money for my own retirement. When he got married, I told him that his wife is wonderful. I am very kind to his wife. I was thinking about talking with my son about the issures. I wanted to let him know that I can not be a giver in our relationship anymore because I have nothing to give by now. I want him to understand that now when I am getting older it is his turn to be a giver. I do not want his money but I need sometimes his attention, advice, and help. How can I improve my situation? How should I talk with my son about it effectively? I am afraid that my words might produce the opposite reaction.
sb129 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Could you write him a letter telling him how you feel? If I got a letter saying those things from my mother, I would be devastated... Are they planning to have children? I truly appreciated how much my parents did for me once I had a child of my own.
Tayla Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Tres- As a daughter who has taken my mother in due to her illness, I can totally relate to your saga. I raised my sons to be fiercely independent and they in turn think people should maintain that thru life. What I forgot to show them and it puzzles them now, is that we are in a sense obligated to help out parents when they are no longer capable of taking on certain tasks. We owe this back to them in a social way...Gosh knows they gave soo much and did without to make way for our adulthood. Maybe obligated isnt the right word...but its close to what I mean...... The best we can do is have the honest talk, state our need for assistance and let the chips fall where they may. It was a ruff time for my mom to say she needed help...she was so independent, yet I was there....I hope your son can see you miss him and could use his assistance from time to time....
Omei Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 All your reasons are valid but keep in mind he's only 26 freshly married. There isn't much he can do....Sure help you with thing's you need. I think it's much to early to worry about where you will be when your much older, but your not wrong to worry about it also. He's just starting out on his life with his new wife, getting an apartment like you say he may very well be busy trying to establish himself. I am 24 years old and I can't even start to think about taking care of my parent's future...Mine hasn't even started! Do lunches with your son? I do lunches and go for walks with my parents and help them with little thing's but can't do much more. To what sb129 maybe you could look forward to them having kid's and you'll be in the picture a whole lot more...He will def need ya then! I was so distant with my parent's then had a child and bam!! its brought us so close now I don't let a day go by where I don't call them.
Author Tres Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 Could you write him a letter telling him how you feel? If I got a letter saying those things from my mother, I would be devastated... Are they planning to have children? I truly appreciated how much my parents did for me once I had a child of my own. They are not planning to have kids yet. They work, have a lot of friends, travel.
Author Tres Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 I am 24 years old and I can't even start to think about taking care of my parent's future...Mine hasn't even started! Do lunches with your son? I do lunches and go for walks with my parents and help them with little thing's but can't do much more. To what sb129 maybe you could look forward to them having kid's and you'll be in the picture a whole lot more...He will def need ya then! I was so distant with my parent's then had a child and bam!! its brought us so close now I don't let a day go by where I don't call them. My son has a good job but I understand he is very young anyway. He makes more money than I do. We do lunches about once per month or two even we are living very close. He calls me about once per 2 wks and we have very short conversations like small talk.
lavidaloca Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Gently...if your son makes more money than you do, why are you helping him pay for his apartment? He's a big boy and married...time to let him BE one. But that's just my own opinion. You really need to secure your own future here. My sister and I have long conversations about grown children distancing themselves. I think we've figured out that we never expected anything from them when they were small, so this is what we get now that they're grown. We were strong and independent, and that's what they saw. They never saw weakness or vulnerability, so they don't know that parents *might* need a little help sometimes. Her children are all in their mid-late 30's, mine in their mid-late 20's. It's still the same, regardless of age. Do you have friends? Do you have an active life? It helps to fill that void that children leave with a busy, active life. Helps you not miss them quite so much. And I would suggest you taking him to lunch sometimes, and tell him you REALLY need his help on the rare occasion. I would offer to pay him, if necessary. You shouldn't have to do that, but if you really need his help.............
DaisyLeigh Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 He is married. Kids grow up and start their lives. They cannot always be at your beck and call. I am not trying to be mean, but I have to ask: Why are you so needy? Are you disabled or ill? And why are you giving him money if you don't have ANY money for your retirement. Are you expecting them to support you in your old age because you didn't plan for it? You still have time. Get whatever money you can get, socked away for your retirement. DO NOT give him money. Get involved in your community. Make new friends and get a new life. Do not live your life for him and be waiting for his next visit or call like you are desperate. My own mom is 64, still working and retires next year. She has her pension, will receive social security and her house is paid off. She has always been independent and although we would gladly help her in a pinch, she says that she does not want it that way. She does not whine and demand visits, but we see her a few times a month. My husband fixes things for her, of course, for free. But when he did a major project for her, she INSISTED on paying. My MIL is fairly independent. She did have a period where she DEMANDED her sons come to her house when she wanted. My husband told her that he will be glad to help, but on HIS schedule. (working long hours and we have children, etc) And she backed off and got a life. Heck, she has a more active lifestyle than I do! When we lived away from my mom, she hired people to help her do projects and repairs that she could not do herself, but honestly, she did quite a LOT by herself, because she had to. I have inherited her spirit of independence. And thank God for that. You might want to consider counseling, because you don't seem to have accepted that your son is grown and has a life of his own. Again, that is not meant to be mean. It makes me sad for you. Back off and start living your own life. He will come around if he doesn't think that you are going to ask him to do something or are up his behind.
riskfatlate Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 The first thing you need to do if possible is talk with your parents to see what plans they have made for their future no one wants to get older or sick where they can't take care of themselvtimes in life that will happen,At some point in your life, you may have to take care of your parents who have spent so much time love and money for you as you grow up, Those who are tasked in taking care of their aging parents have to make decisions that can greatly affect both their parents lives and their lives.
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