Weight, Sexuality, and love Insecurities

[buffythemusical]

I'm currently in my 6th month of dating my first ever boyfriend at 27 years old. He was my first kiss, lover and well...pretty much everything. I've been extremely insecure about several things lately and am looking for some advice. One of the problems I'm having is that I am falling in love with him and am worried that he'll never be able to love me back. Two years ago he was in a relationship with a girl who he had been best friends with in high school and whom he dated for 9 months. She dumped him and it took him a long time to even start to recover told me about two months into the relationship that he wasn't sure if he could ever fall in love again. This terrifies me. I know the fact that feelings might not be fully requited can happen in any relationship and it's not that I need to hear him to say or even feel it yet, but the prospect of it not happening because he can't get over past trauma really scares me.

 

We've had intercourse three times (we're currently in a LDR). It may have been more than that but after the third time he told me that it just wasn't the same without love...which I knew he meant well by but it made me feel rejected. Actually he said something similar after the first time (he thought he was going to be able to say he loved me but couldn't...not what you want to hear after losing the v card) . Oddly he's the one who initiated sex each time but seemed let down afterwards...not physically but but I guess emotionally. I told him I wouldn't have sex with him because he wasn't ready on our most recent trip. I did this both for him and because it hurts so much to be told that basically you're a romantic let down in bed.

 

I think part of the problem is that the first two times (I was better the third) I was EXTREMELY self conscious (which I know is a big turn off) I'm a fat girl who has been raised being told how unattractive and disgusting I am, and while I don't believe that in my heart, I still have extreme anxiety about sexual rejection. I also have a hormone problem where I have excess body hair which of course only adds to my issues. I do what I can to remove what I can but I still feel "gross" compared to his thin, ex girlfriend who he was in love with. I'm better and somewhat more confident now...the first three times we had sex I wore lingerie but the last time I visited I got fully naked in front of him for the first time and I masturbated him a lot and gave him blow jobs...and he tried to masturbate me as well which wasn't as successful but I think that it'll take time for me to get comfortable and to show him what i like. He has offered in the past to go down on me but I've declined for now until I get more comfortable with him and my body.

 

Another issue I have with him is that he's admitted to me he misses the missionary position. Two of the three times we've had sex were what I thought was missionary but he told me he meant with the man lying directly on top of the woman whereas when we did it, he was more propped up on his hands. I guess because of my weight he has trouble being at a good angle to be fully on top of me direct skin to skin contact. Does anyone know of a way to make this more possible? I'm currently losing weight to try to make this easier but until then, how do I satisfy him fully? We've done girl on top which he liked but which made me kind of physically uncomfortable. What are the most intimate positions one can do (eye contact, skin contact) when one partner is fat? How do I work on feeling more comfortable with him sexually? Another thing is that he is questioning his sexuality. He, from what we've talked about is very bi-curious and may easily be bisexual. I'm fine with this, and don't care if he has fantasies about men but how do I help from feeling insecure? I mean, he is hard all the time around me, has told me we have great sexual chemistry, doesn't seem afraid, grossed out, or hesitant to touch me and never has erection problems once we're together in the bedroom either. Still, part of me does worry I'm not what he needs...which isn't fair but I can't help it.

 

So I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice for me on these fronts? Anyone know any way to help myself get over my insecurities on on all these issues? Thanks so much.

Edited March 7, 2011 by buffythemusical

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I love how sincere you are in every way.

 

Firstly, I think you should divide and prioritize many of these things.

 

 

Time and steady, continued, heightened familiarity are key ingredients to building on romantic feelings. So I would put the first paragraph on the back burner - completely out of your thoughts.

 

IF two years ago he was hurt by someone, it is very possible that his feelings of hurt over how that ended are indeed much of the cause for him to have observed that sex isn't the same without love. It might not be a reflection on you at all.

 

The self-conscious part really IS a big hurdle, and you just have to resolve to let yourself feel comfortable when naked in his presence. Don't do that for him - do it for yourself!!

 

At some point soon, even afford yourself the pleasure that will be him going down on you. The key element/appeal in that on both sides is your being willing to show that vulnerability!!

 

Most importantly, use your interest in having comfortable sex with him as a continued motivation to lose weight. Obviously you'll want your own self to be your inspiration and priority in so doing, for the long haul, but nobody ever said it wasn't OK to be inspired into action by a romantic interest.

 

If you are successful at inspiring yourself as such, you may find that after some progress, you will have a lot more social doors opening up to you, to where this guy and his issues aren't so prominent in your immediate considerations anymore.

 

Convince yourself to take small and deliberate steps... while understanding that 'progress' on all fronts would be a great goal. You need not render yourself unrecognizable to others over night... just start with small steps and remain dedicated.