lonely79 Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Hi everyone! here I am again on the other side of a great visit. I feel so sad, just almost overwhelmingly sad. I think the biggest thing is that we don't have a solution to the distance, we havent figured out how to end the LD part. We had a difficult discussion about it and almost ended things, just because we both find it very difficult. But we didnt because we cant let go of each other. I just dont know what to do!! Its such a tough spot and im so sad. anyone else with a situation that has no visible end? how do you deal with it? what things can we do to make it a little easier?
creighton0123 Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 What kind of things are blocking the two of you from ending the long distance aspect of the relationship?
Author lonely79 Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 well several things.... keep in mind that we are in a very new relationship too so thats a part of it. its not like we've been dating for years, we knew each other, but not super well, through work... and we only discovered our attraction for each other after he had made all the arrangements to move. So for his part, he just moved and can't just turn around and move back, esp for something so new, at least not right now. he says he doesnt consider that an option. super harsh sounding, I know but we're both very practical people and right now he can't just turn around and move back, it would be crazy, and I know that. maybe in a year or two it wouldn't be, but we'd have to make it that long and I just don't know if we are both able to handle it. For my part, I can't just pick up and move because I have a child and custody arrangements to consider. I don't think it would be impossible but it would be difficult. It would be easier if he and i were more established, and i would feel better about going through the battle of custody agreements again. typing that makes it seem so hopeless, like i should just end it but I cant seem to let go of him, when we're together its awesome! It seems a shame to throw it away rather than waiting to see what happens - i have faith that something will happen/change and we'll have an opportunity to close the distance, its just waiting for it thats tough. not knowing when it will be...
creighton0123 Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 And what type of distance are you dealing with (time in hours or cost required to travel)? Sounds like he relocated for work. If that's the case, it might be a year or two before he could consider returning to your area. Also, unless you get full custody chances are you would not be able to legally relocate, which makes that a no-option for you. This means it is entirely up to him, his time frame, and his willingness to sacrifice and move back to you in the long term. Even though you've known him for only a short time, do you feel that is something he would ever be wholly willing to do?
Author lonely79 Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 And what type of distance are you dealing with (time in hours or cost required to travel)? Sounds like he relocated for work. If that's the case, it might be a year or two before he could consider returning to your area. Also, unless you get full custody chances are you would not be able to legally relocate, which makes that a no-option for you. This means it is entirely up to him, his time frame, and his willingness to sacrifice and move back to you in the long term. Even though you've known him for only a short time, do you feel that is something he would ever be wholly willing to do? we're 350 miles apart, thats about 5 hours by car, and a 45 minute plane ride. costs for flights are high right now for the route, it used to be about $100, and now its at about $200. its not terrible. as far as custody, theres other options that ive discussed with my ex - he actually brought it up because neither of us has any family or even friends here. my ex said that if either of us wanted to move, we could both consider moving to the same area just to keep things easy. I know his job isnt going well and he could easily find a better job where my LDR SO lives (bigger city, more opportunities), but he can't sell his house and move right now though, so its not an option at the moment. he (ex) also told me that if one of us re-marries, he would want that person to have full custody, which i didnt wholly agree with (im never giving up custody), but its out there, anyway. i KNOW theres ways. as far as your last question, I really don't know. although i have "known" him for 3 years, i really didnt start getting to KNOW him till recently and I can't say what he'd be willing to do. I know he's not willing right now, but I also know that could change. sounds so hopeless.
folieadeux Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 I'm in the exact same boat as you. My SO and I don't have an exact end date in sight either right now, although we've both agreed we won't do another year apart. We've always been LD, and work is pretty much the only thing keeping us from being together right now. I just got back from my SO's city last week too, which is compounding the problem. I'm in the whole "nothing is happening fast enough" mode and I miss him like crazy. It took everything I had to get on that plane let me tell you. I always assumed I would be the one to move for various reasons I won't bog down your thread with, but my SO actually took it upon himself to apply for a job transfer by me so we can potentially be together sooner. Up until today, we didn't even have a date setup for our next visit either (we usually always do), which made things even worse. Luckily, that got sorted out today, but I'm still beyond sad and trying everything I can not to pick stupid fights over nothing just because us not being together is unbearable right now. Nothing is ever hopeless; I just think the two of you need to sit down and have a discussion about what will be realistic for the both of you to do in your current situations right now. Try to stay positive above all else.
phillyfan Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Whats to stop u movin out there with ur kids? If its a cool city with good jobs then why not just go make a new life? Have a clear talk wit him, say u 2 can b a proper couple, but that the move is for YOU and ur life, and u arent just movin for him, that way u can jus date like a normal couple n see where it goes. That way u get a new cool change in ur life, u get to date him n see where it goes, if it dont work out hell u have a whole city of ppl to date. If he is as into this as u then hell b pleased.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 heck, i would trade for that 5-hour drive apart. i highlighted this part of your post For my part, I can't just pick up and move because I have a child and custody arrangements to consider. I don't think it would be impossible but it would be difficult. It would be easier if he and i were more established, and i would feel better about going through the battle of custody agreements again. so it's not entirely hopeless. long distance relationships are really difficult. i guess your main concern right now is establishing your relationship and when you have that assurance you can move with him. he just moved too, so like creighton said the timeframe is up to him. this is my take though, because i like making things work in different ways. i say you two continue dating, when you both feel you are ready to take it to the next level then you really have to discuss about the move. in your case, someone has to give. if you want a solution in a quicker way, then whoever can move easily has to sacrifice. if you want to be on the practical side, you have to endure the distance for a set time frame, and make the move when both issues have been ironed out.
Author lonely79 Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 thanks for all the replies, it is SO NICE to discuss this with people who understand... I'm in the exact same boat as you. My SO and I don't have an exact end date in sight either right now, although we've both agreed we won't do another year apart. We've always been LD, and work is pretty much the only thing keeping us from being together right now. I just got back from my SO's city last week too, which is compounding the problem. I'm in the whole "nothing is happening fast enough" mode and I miss him like crazy. It took everything I had to get on that plane let me tell you. I always assumed I would be the one to move for various reasons I won't bog down your thread with, but my SO actually took it upon himself to apply for a job transfer by me so we can potentially be together sooner. Up until today, we didn't even have a date setup for our next visit either (we usually always do), which made things even worse. Luckily, that got sorted out today, but I'm still beyond sad and trying everything I can not to pick stupid fights over nothing just because us not being together is unbearable right now. Nothing is ever hopeless; I just think the two of you need to sit down and have a discussion about what will be realistic for the both of you to do in your current situations right now. Try to stay positive above all else. Thanks foli.... so you guys have always been LD? how did you handle the early part of your relationship? I mean, he USED to live here and be here and i saw him every day at work but we never started hanging out till right before he left and even then we didnt consider dating (it seriously didnt occur to us) until literally the week he left and it totally blindsided us, and by then it was LD - so its really so new and i think this is a huge part of the problem - cuz we have crazy feelings for each other but at the same time wonder if we're crazy for trying this with no solution to our problem. it would be one thing if he was gone for a specific amount of time or something like that....I guess im just wondering if you can relate to these feelings and if so, how did you two get through it?? and yeah, we dont have a date set for our next visit either plus he's going on a short vacation for a boys weekend this weekend so contact will be limited right when i need it the most :(
Author lonely79 Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 Whats to stop u movin out there with ur kids? If its a cool city with good jobs then why not just go make a new life? Have a clear talk wit him, say u 2 can b a proper couple, but that the move is for YOU and ur life, and u arent just movin for him, that way u can jus date like a normal couple n see where it goes. That way u get a new cool change in ur life, u get to date him n see where it goes, if it dont work out hell u have a whole city of ppl to date. If he is as into this as u then hell b pleased. I can't just move because there are certain agreements in place with my ex as far as custody arrangements and you can't just take your child and move out of state. It has to be agreed to in writing. sooo yeah.
Author lonely79 Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 (edited) this is my take though, because i like making things work in different ways. i say you two continue dating, when you both feel you are ready to take it to the next level then you really have to discuss about the move. this is what I have been thinking.. that we should just keep trying and see where it goes and not try to make any hard decisions right now.....but when we discussed it, i was trying to say this but i got all emotional and said something that kinda resembled that but im not sure it quite got the point across sometimes its hard to say what Im thinking cuz i get shy....at least we both decided that we aren't ready to give up yet. Edited March 8, 2011 by lonely79
TokyoG33kyGal Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 this is what I have been thinking.. that we should just keep trying and see where it goes and not try to make any hard decisions right now.....but when we discussed it, i was trying to say this but i got all emotional and said something that kinda resembled that but im not sure it quite got the point across sometimes its hard to say what Im thinking cuz i get shy....at least we both decided that we aren't ready to give up yet. you should however set a time frame for that next relationship evaluation. i actually have been through the same thing but my situation is a touch difficult than yours. i cannot move right away because i need a visa for that, cannot just visit the US because i also need visa for it...so my SO always comes here and i pay for his other expenses. before we decided to get in this relationship though i informed him that this would be difficult so he can back out if he wants to. in the end he decided to find out first if it's worth it. it's hard to pass up this chance, we rarely meet a person who's so compatible with us. so our initial plan now is to wait for my visa (we are gonna wait for like 5 months). if it does not work, he will have to move here (i hope not, he has done so much for me ). we would fight for it whatever happens and he told me how devoted he is with our plan. i guess we might only part ways if we have exhausted all solutions and we cannot still be together. i know that we all get shy sometimes, but voicing out what you want or what you feel is appropriate is the right thing to do. it can cut through all the bullsh*t.
D-Lish Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 It must be difficult, because in the newer stages of a relationship- you just want to be together all the time. It's also hard because the worst moments are the times after a visit, when emotions are fresh. It would be easier if you guys lived closer, but you don't at the moment, so patience is your best friend if you want this to work. My ex husband lived and worked 5 hours away when we got married- we saw each other once or twice a month. It's something you DO get used to, but the frustration never leaves you. What I hear in your post is frustration- you love each other and you want to be together, but circumstances won't allow for this at the moment. If this guy is worth enduring the pain and frustration that comes with a LDR- then don't give up. People have endured worse and come out on top
creighton0123 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 TokyoGal and I agree on quite a few things all the time. You're on sand right now when it comes to what you should do and where your relationship stands. You should take some time out at least every two weeks to have a relationship-status discussion with your SO, covering things like: How are both of you doing in life? How are you feeling about the relationship? What are some good things? What are some negative things that can be resolved? Is the level of communication fine? Should it be less? More? Are you still happy in the relationship? Are there any emotions that need to be discussed/dealt with? Once your relationship with him is more organized, say in a month and a half to three months, then you can consider discussing options for resolving the distance, including possible time frames and both agreeing on it. The longer you go without that time-frame (We will be apart for this long until the distance ends), the harder it will become to maintain the relationship.
folieadeux Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 thanks for all the replies, it is SO NICE to discuss this with people who understand... Thanks foli.... so you guys have always been LD? how did you handle the early part of your relationship? I mean, he USED to live here and be here and i saw him every day at work but we never started hanging out till right before he left and even then we didnt consider dating (it seriously didnt occur to us) until literally the week he left and it totally blindsided us, and by then it was LD - so its really so new and i think this is a huge part of the problem - cuz we have crazy feelings for each other but at the same time wonder if we're crazy for trying this with no solution to our problem. it would be one thing if he was gone for a specific amount of time or something like that....I guess im just wondering if you can relate to these feelings and if so, how did you two get through it?? and yeah, we dont have a date set for our next visit either plus he's going on a short vacation for a boys weekend this weekend so contact will be limited right when i need it the most :( Yep we've always been LD...we met in NY...I live in NJ and he lives in GA. It was a whirlwind experience and honestly we never thought about it in the beginning. We knew we wanted to be together and that's all that mattered. Now that reality set in a bit more, I honestly think things are worse now for the both of us than they were in the beginning as far as handling these emotions go. The more established you are with someone, the harder it becomes to leave them. It's something you never really get used to and it's becoming harder to deal with. It used to be me that always flipped out, but my SO broke down when I left last week...so I know it's getting to us both more now. But these emotions are perfectly normal I think and you shouldn't let them weigh your relationship down. Sure you miss each other, but once you start making future plans, the easier it gets I find (for me at least). So unfortunately, I don't really have a helpful answer to your question because as a couple, my boyfriend and I are still riding this rollercoaster for now. If he's going out this weekend, maybe you can try planning something to do with your friends/family in the meantime? At least you'll both be doing something at the same time and being away will hopefully ease the being apart a bit. And when you get back, you'll both have so much more to talk about.
Author lonely79 Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 Thanks everyone, this is all very good advice! we talked a little today and we 90% nailed down the next visit which will be sooner than i thought, so that's exciting! I am feeling a little better about things now that that is resolved a bit. I know we're gonna have to keep re-evaluating and talking about things, but im just concerned if i bring it up too much, in such a new-ish relationship, wont that be annoying? i dont want to seem desperate either. its such a balance!! He always says that even though its not really fun to discuss (its so emotional!!), he does get that we need to talk about these things and he's constructive with it, and practical and also very kind, so its not like he get mad or shuts down or anything, i just dont want to always spend our time with hard discussions, you know?
folieadeux Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Thanks everyone, this is all very good advice! we talked a little today and we 90% nailed down the next visit which will be sooner than i thought, so that's exciting! I am feeling a little better about things now that that is resolved a bit. I know we're gonna have to keep re-evaluating and talking about things, but im just concerned if i bring it up too much, in such a new-ish relationship, wont that be annoying? i dont want to seem desperate either. its such a balance!! He always says that even though its not really fun to discuss (its so emotional!!), he does get that we need to talk about these things and he's constructive with it, and practical and also very kind, so its not like he get mad or shuts down or anything, i just dont want to always spend our time with hard discussions, you know? That last bit is definitely a delicate balance. It's obviously important to discuss the future, but you don't want to have it be the main focus of every conversation you have either. Right now in a new relationship, I think you guys are playing it cool while always keeping in mind the direction of things at the same time -- which is key. Having a next visit will help out alot for sure (at least that always calms me down). Relax and enjoy until that time gets here, it'll be here before you know it.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Thanks everyone, this is all very good advice! we talked a little today and we 90% nailed down the next visit which will be sooner than i thought, so that's exciting! I am feeling a little better about things now that that is resolved a bit. I know we're gonna have to keep re-evaluating and talking about things, but im just concerned if i bring it up too much, in such a new-ish relationship, wont that be annoying? i dont want to seem desperate either. its such a balance!! He always says that even though its not really fun to discuss (its so emotional!!), he does get that we need to talk about these things and he's constructive with it, and practical and also very kind, so its not like he get mad or shuts down or anything, i just dont want to always spend our time with hard discussions, you know? what comes as annoying would be nagging and the need for constant validation. that will make you appear insecure and desperate. since your partner seems open-minded, i don't think you will have a problem with that. the re-evaluation should be a mutual agreement. it's not like you have to bring it up all the time and the other partner seems to be uninterested with such discussions. this is why it's important you have to let him know about that now rather than later, like folieadeux said...it becomes harder to leave as you get attached to your partner. if he is not as committed as you are early on, then you can find out sooner if this relationship will last or not. that fear you are feeling right now though is understandable. just don't let it overpower you.
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