Enlighten_ME Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Just wanted to say thanks for reading my posts.. I do not get a lot of responses so i just wonder if i am not following the proper guidelines. If I am posting incorrectly please point it out and i will be glad to change how i am doing things.. Anyways - here is what i'm struggling with. Early on i found a heart felt post on craigslist from my girlfriend to her ex. It hurt me and i almost ended it over that.. I didn't Simply because she reassured me that is was a monument of weakness and i really felt a connection like i have never before. Found out that she has been posting on their again. Orginal Post from Random Man: "Its v-tines day, although I'm not alone it feels like my heart is. Wish you were here..." Her response to this post: "Sounds like this could be for me. Can you give another clue as to who this is intened for, please. Why cant you just call this person?" Please i really need to hear others opinions on this.. She assures me its nothing, She lied about it when i asked her.. . We have a lot vested now been over a year, but i would rather end it now than to prolong this. She wants me to trust her and says she loves me and only me.. and wants to be with me and only me.. She claims.. I do love her and i feel like i am at a disadvantage because i want to believe her.
MommyofThree Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 First off, how do you know it was her posting it? And posting another one? But anyway, I can see why you would be hurt. I've gone through a similar situation. My boyfriend of 9mo at the time re-opened his profile on a dating site, which I found when giving my girlfriend pointers on how to create her profile. It hurt, because it was at a time that I thought he and I had a strong bond. I confronted him about it and said it was because he was bored at the time. He closed the profile right afterwards. I learned that I have to trust him if I want a good relationship with him. And he does his part by giving me all of his free time, so I know he's not seeing anyone else. There's no way to truly tell if he's talking to or texting other women but I have to trust that he isn't. The thing that has to happen between you two, is that she has to stop posting...and you have to trust her. Without trust you have nothing. I know this is easier said than done.
Author Enlighten_ME Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 Thanks Mommy of Three.. Well i am not exactly proud oh how i know.. early on in our relationship she began to go through my phone and computer to see if i was up to anything. She would call me out on things she found and didn't like. So it started a cycle of snooping between us. This is where i found the original post.. we had agreed to quit and i did for over 7 months.. during that time.. She lost her job and i took her and her son in and supported them for 3 months.. She seemed to be having a hard time due to no job, so she was constantly on me.. looking for thing to be upset with me about.. So it seemed.. When i felt like she was pulling away is when i thought something maybe going on.. so i looked.. I am very computer savvy and had to dig very very deep to find it.. So she was defiantly covering her tracks. .. I know snooping is wrong and i have never had an inclination to do.. She dig and snoops even looking for pictures and information on her ex's new wife.. constantly.. Went as far as using security questions to access his email. Which she claims is because she doesn't know where her son goes when he visits every 4 months or so. My question to you mommy, is if you have caught your husband doing it again how would you handle it?
MommyofThree Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 I've been there too, with regards to snooping. I'm highly computer savvy and trust me, I've found things that I didn't know or like and then I kick myself in the butt because I found out through snooping. I think people in relationships snoop usually when there's a feeling or sense that the other person is up to something or when they have done something to break your trust. Personally, I feel that if they are being secretive about something such as concealing their cell phone or hide their email page when you're around, then somethings up. I believe in the "open book" policy. My boyfriend has my passwords to email, facebook, etc. He says he doesn't need them but I tell him should he ever want to go and look, feel free because I don't have anything to hide. So when I'm on my laptop, I do everything in front of him. However, he's secretive about everything and it drives me nuts! If she's going through all that trouble to look him up then it kinda sounds like she might just be curious about what he's doing with his life. If she re-assures you that she only loves you then I'm pretty sure she does. They say curiosity killed the cat. Hope it doesn't kill your relationship. So now, back to your question: If I ever caught my boyfriend posting another profile, I would sadly let him go. I told him before that if I'm not the one that fills all his needs then he should go find that special one. Just a quick note: I learned that whatever happens, I cannot prevent it. So I stopped snooping.
Author Enlighten_ME Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 Ok so let me give you an update.. I told her i do love her and want to be with her, however i do not know if i will ever be able to trust her again.. I simply said i do not know but i would like to work towards this, but no guarantees. Her reaction is too get upset and tell me not to contact her because its too painful. She wants me to not contact her and she has removed all her contact information from her phone to stop herself from contacting me. Now she is living in my house so that is kinda odd... lol. Anyways i refuse to budge, I think she should put in a lot of effort to try to make amends instead of pretending it never happens. Keep in mind this is the second time this exact thing has happens and the first time i almost threw it all away. And their has been other white lies i have caught her in as well.. Am i wrong for this approach? Should i just try to get over it and pretend nothing ever happened?
MommyofThree Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Dear EnlightenMe, You need to really re-evaluate how you feel about her and the circumstances given. 1. You've caught her in several lies and white lies - honestly, a lie is a lie and has no color, lol, it is what it is....not the truth. - the question is: how many more lies do you need to discover or willing put up with? - does she lie to protect your feelings or does she lie to cover her own ass? 2. The first time she tried to make ammends, the second she says don't contact her - sounds like she's trying to avoid admitting she made a mistake - she might be trying to figure out what she really wants to do: split or stay 3. You told her you forgive her, but can't trust her. - Ouch. I can see why you said that, but one can't go without the other. Trust is rebuilt and earned, however, by you telling her that you don't trust her will kinda make her feel like "well then why even try to make things work if he's not going to trust me anyway". The fact that you two live together makes this difficult. Maybe you should give her space for the next day or so. Let her think about what she wants to do, stay or move out. Then when you two are at home, ask her if she's ready to talk things out. Give her options like "Do you want to stay and work it out or do you want to move out and go our separate ways?" I know its hard to ask that but it might be easier for her to reply to a question. So now, if she says she wants to leave, then let her do so. Don't fight it. You can't make her stay if she doesn't want to be with you. Bite the bullet. If she wants to stay, tell her you are willing to put everything in the past and start fresh. Re-assure her you will stop snooping, start trusting and that she needs to quit the questionable behavior so that you can rebuild your trust for her. This is going to take alot of work and reassurance from both of you (mostly her) but if you two really love each other there's a pretty good chance that you two can move past this. Best of luck.
Author Enlighten_ME Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 Hey Mommy,, She says she wants to be with me and loves me.. Her issue is that i cannot give her a guarantee i will trust her again. I feel like i have always put in the majority of work in our relationship.. I guess what i want to see is if i, our relationship is worth her putting in the effort. She screwed up and i feel like if she loved me she would put in that effort even without a guarantee.. I know if the shoe was on the other foot i would do whatever it takes to make sure the woman i loved didn't walk away due to my mistakes no matter the odds... if she gave me the window of opportunity. maybe i am wrong for wanting to see her put in the work to show this is something she really wants and i guess its validation that she is trying.
MommyofThree Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 It's not wrong for you to feel that she has to put forth more effort. Tell her that your trust will be rebuilt through her actions. She has to put the effort, and you have to learn to trust her again. Again, these two things go together: forgiveness and trust. It takes two to make a relationship work. Obviously you think its worth the try, I can tell you really love her because any other man wouldn't have put up with her kind of crap twice. So don't question "is it worth it", if she loves you and you love her and you have a good feeling that things will work out then move forward
lavidaloca Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Has she given you a guarantee that it won't happen again? Her reaction seemed a bit over the top, which suggests she knows she was doing something she shouldn't have, imho. If she's doing the things to earn your trust back...make a real effort to trust her. Does she even know what those things should be? Stuff like this hurts, and I think sometimes they don't realize just how much it does. And then you get to wondering what else...what else is there, or what else will come? I hope y'all can work this out.
Author Enlighten_ME Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 Thanks for the advice, i think we may have turned a corner last night.. She seems to generally want to make it work.. She is not only going to open up everything and get rid of all the secretive behavior.. She is going to generally try much harder in areas i have always felt were a little weak.. She has been very apologetic instead of defensive which is showing me huge effort. Thanks again for all the advice.. Especially mommyofthree.. And don't listen to people on your other post. No one knows or understands the true situation of any of the posters here. I take it that if someone is on here posting about their relationship is because they don't want to "Run for the Hills" and are looking for some positive advice to help fix what they have..
Recommended Posts