Second chance with a twist

[WanderingBard]

Long story short. I dated this girl for 3 years, we are in our early 30's. She broke up with me. I did all the wrong things early on, pleading, emailing, texting, etc. After a month of this, I stopped and went NC. 3.5 weeks later I get an email from her. We start talking again and meet up for lunch one day to catch up. We have a nice time and we didn't talk about the relationship.

 

A week later I call her and ask her out, at first she said it wouldn't be a good idea, but after some coaxing she reluctantly agreed to "go out" with me (but not really a date)

 

I put forth some effort and planned a big night for us and I essentially turned it into a date, and it worked! We had a GREAT time. We end up back at her place at 3am a little bit drunk and we fall asleep but we don't have sex.

 

At that point I was really happy because it looks like a second chance was in sight.

 

The next morning she tells me that while we were broken up she slept with someone else and contracted genital herpes. She wanted to let me know in case that affected my decision in pursing her further.

 

Now I don't know what to do. I love this girl very much (before the breakup I was ready to marry her) but I'm also confused and am feeling a range of emotions. I'm angry that she dated someone else and had sex with him (twice). I'm sad that she got herpes and that its something she's going to have to live with for the rest of her life, and I'm happy to have a chance to be with her again.

 

I feel like maybe I could get over the mental aspect of her having been with someone else, but then there is the STD. I feel like it would be a constant reminder of the breakup and how she was with another man.

 

I feel so sad and hurt whenever I think about her having shared a physical experience with someone else so shortly after we broke up.

 

I also wonder if maybe she just came back to me just because she has this STD and its just easier to date me because I'm already so emotionally invested in her. Versus her trying to date new people and having to tell people about her herpes and possibly being rejected because of it

 

Also, If I did decide to give it a second chance, I don't know how this would affect our sex life.

 

Anyone have any advice? Anybody out there comfortable talking about STDs and how you live with it or how its affected your relationship?

Edited March 7, 2011 by WanderingBard

[timchambo]

Long story short. I dated this girl for 3 years, we are in our early 30's. She broke up with me. I did all the wrong things early on, pleading, emailing, texting, etc. After a month of this, I stopped and went NC. 3.5 weeks later I get an email from her. We start talking again and meet up for lunch one day to catch up. We have a nice time and we didn't talk about the relationship.

 

A week later I call her and ask her out, at first she said it wouldn't be a good idea, but after some coaxing she reluctantly agreed to "go out" with me (but not really a date)

 

I put forth some effort and planned a big night for us and I essentially turned it into a date, and it worked! We had a GREAT time. We end up back at her place at 3am a little bit drunk and we fall asleep but we don't have sex.

 

At that point I was really happy because it looks like a second chance was in sight.

 

The next morning she tells me that while we were broken up she slept with someone else and contracted genital herpes. She wanted to let me know in case that affected my decision in pursing her further.

 

Now I don't know what to do. I love this girl very much (before the breakup I was ready to marry her) but I'm also confused and am feeling a range of emotions. I'm angry that she dated someone else and had sex with him (twice). I'm sad that she got herpes and that its something she's going to have to live with for the rest of her life, and I'm happy to have a chance to be with her again.

 

I feel like maybe I could get over the mental aspect of her having been with someone else, but then there is the STD. I feel like it would be a constant reminder of the breakup and how she was with another man.

 

I feel so sad and hurt whenever I think about her having shared a physical experience with someone else so shortly after we broke up.

 

I also wonder if maybe she just came back to me just because she has this STD and its just easier to date me because I'm already so emotionally invested in her. Versus her trying to date new people and having to tell people about her herpes and possibly being rejected because of it

 

Also, If I did decide to give it a second chance, I don't know how this would affect our sex life.

 

Anyone have any advice? Anybody out there comfortable talking about STDs and how you live with it or how its affected your relationship?

 

Not an STD connoisseur but I have seen this before. You will never know the truth one way or another though. Ask yourself the reverse. Are you willing to settle for the STD because you don't want to chance finding a new girl? Best of luck man.

[aerialgirl]

How very silly of her to not have safe sex with a stranger. Ask yourself how you might feel in 6 months time if you did get back together? Probably pretty grossed out. If she had thus when you met her it would be different. Now it seems like she is running scared. I feel for both of you. Just be truly honest with yourself.

[Call Me Al]

There is no such thing as 100% safe sex.

 

Using a condom doesn't guarantee you wont get herpes or HPV for that matter. The guy could have had 'razor burn' elsewhere that wasn't covered by a rubber. I knew a girl whom the very thing happened to....took all necessary precautionary measures and still got herpes. Granted, the guy thought he had jock itch...so it wasnt like it was absent symptoms.

 

That being said, I dont know that I would take that risk second time around in a relationship. If I met someone and I truly loved them and they had a disease....I wouldn't reject them for it, but it would require precautionary measures before Id sleep with them.

 

You basically have to be accepting of the possibility that you could walk away from this relationship with herpes.

[jstobo]

I don't have any STD experience so I need to exclude that from my response.

 

I keep going back to you needing to coax her into the date. I would let her pursue you. If you pursue her, you'll always wonder if she really wanted you back.

[WanderingBard]

That being said, I dont know that I would take that risk second time around in a relationship. If I met someone and I truly loved them and they had a disease....I wouldn't reject them for it, but it would require precautionary measures before Id sleep with them.

 

You basically have to be accepting of the possibility that you could walk away from this relationship with herpes.

 

That's the thing. If she would have had the STD when we first met, I still would have pursued the relationship. She was just that awesome.

 

But now I'm torn. I feel like I'm her safety net and she's settling for me and maybe now I would be settling for her because I'm scared I won't find someone as good as she is/was. The truth is I love this girl very much.

 

I told her that I felt like I was 2nd best. and she assured me that it wasn't the case, and that in fact it was harder for her to tell me about it than it would have been to tell some stranger, and that if she wanted the easy way out she could have kept on dating the guy that gave it to her.

 

Also this wasn't a reason for our breakup, but we had some issues with sex toward the end of our relationship. She wasn't as aggressive as I would have liked and she wanted me to be more dominant and more verbal (talking really dirty and such).

 

One of the things I wanted was to "upgrade" our sexual relationship if we ever got back together. But now with herpes in the picture I feel like our sex life would be downgraded instead - I feel we would have to plan sex around her outbreaks and have to use condoms all the time (we used to have unprotected sex when we were together and she took birth control) and me performing oral sex on her now just seems unwise. I feel we would no longer be able to as spontaneous about sex... I feel she would resent me when/if she just did oral for me during an outbreak while I could do nothing for her. (She didn't always want to give me oral when I wanted it, why would she want to please me all the time now?) And maybe I would resent her every time I had to unwrap one of those condoms. It would be a constant reminder of her leaving me and being with another man :(

 

I always fantasized about getting back together and she telling me she hadn't slept with anyone. And now instead its the COMPLETE OPPOSITE.

 

And now its like the tables have turned and she's asking me for a second chance.

 

I was trying to heal and get over her during those 3.5 weeks of NC. And now I'm back to square one crying every few hours since yesterday, because I love her so much and now I have a second chance, but I don't know if I should take it because there are no guarantees about anything

 

I know its silly - a grown man crying. I never did that before, but I really feel confused as to what I should do now. Life threw me a curve ball like never before.

[WanderingBard]

I keep going back to you needing to coax her into the date. I would let her pursue you. If you pursue her, you'll always wonder if she really wanted you back.

 

I was pursuing her hoping this would be my chance to win her back. And that night I thought I did. The next morning though I feel as if though the tables had turned. She told about the herpes and was crying and then we started talking about what would happen if we tried again.

 

Now I feel like she's asking me for a second chance (although she hasn't directly yet) but with all her crying and telling me to "think about it" I feel like she is asking for a second chance

 

She started getting very emotional and told me maybe this would help me get over her If I decided I didn't want to try again with her.

Edited March 8, 2011 by WanderingBard

[TurboGirl]

OMG enough with the drama, my ex husband had it and I never caught it in almost 12 years of being with him. Tell her to get on preventative Valtrex and still you would have to use condoms to be sure.

 

Herpes is not the end of the world. HIV would be.

 

Get informed, go talk to your doctor, read up on it. Ask her questions. Was she tested for Herpes?

 

Any of the things you discussed would not be a problem with her on Valtrex.

 

Sounds like she is really emotional & upset about it... I might chill for a little bit, do your research, and see what happens. But Herpes shouldn't play into it if you two love each other.

[Call Me Al]

Well the suppressive therapy route will definitely reduce your likelihood of contracting it...but you must accept the notion that you could leave the relationship with herpes.

 

Performing oral I wouldn't really worry about absent symptoms. No one freaks out about if someone had a cold sore 3 months ago when they make out with someone do they? Same virus, just a slightly different type.

 

If she just got it, then yea....there may be a long period of adjustment for her and she probably wont feel as sexual off the bat.

 

I've never dated anyone with herpes...so I cant say for sure how I'd respond in this situation. I would give it some time to think though.

[WanderingBard]

OMG enough with the drama, my ex husband had it and I never caught it in almost 12 years of being with him. Tell her to get on preventative Valtrex and still you would have to use condoms to be sure.

 

Herpes is not the end of the world. HIV would be.

 

Get informed, go talk to your doctor, read up on it. Ask her questions. Was she tested for Herpes?

 

Any of the things you discussed would not be a problem with her on Valtrex.

 

Sounds like she is really emotional & upset about it... I might chill for a little bit, do your research, and see what happens. But Herpes shouldn't play into it if you two love each other.

 

Hi TurboGirl,

 

I'm not trying to be dramatic. Just venting and expressing how I feel about the situation. But maybe you can help me better understand your point of view though. We could talk privately too if you decide you want to share anything.

[betterdeal]

You crying says to me your inner self is not happy with this contact with this person. I recommend you take some time to understand and accept the reasons why you're crying and work from there. Equally, working out the things that led to the breakdown of the relationship to start with will be important. Herpes is, as other have said, a manageable condition. It's getting to know yourself and each other better that will let you know whether or not to continue this relationship.

[WanderingBard]

You crying says to me your inner self is not happy with this contact with this person. I recommend you take some time to understand and accept the reasons why you're crying and work from there. Equally, working out the things that led to the breakdown of the relationship to start with will be important. Herpes is, as other have said, a manageable condition. It's getting to know yourself and each other better that will let you know whether or not to continue this relationship.

 

Thank you for your words.

 

It just feels so bittersweet. It's not that I'm not happy with her. Yes, I'm sad that she left me and now she's back. I just feel so disappointed. I'll never know if she came back because she loved/missed me or if it was because she was scared she wouldn't find anyone else now that she has this virus. I feel we will resent each other in the future if I decide to take her back.

 

It's difficult to ask friends/family for advice because I wish to protect her privacy, and so I'm here hoping to glean little bits of wisdom and reason

 

Should I feel angry and hurt that she was with someone else so shortly after we broke up and picked up this STD? Am I being unreasonable or childish?

Edited March 8, 2011 by WanderingBard

[heartshaped]

Should I feel angry and hurt that she was with someone else so shortly after we broke up and picked up this STD? Am I being unreasonable or childish?

 

I don't feel you are being unreasonable or childish. An incurable STD can be a deal breaker for some people. I think you need to take some time out to see if it is for you. I don't think this is her coming back to you because she has contracted this disease though. It would have been much easier for her to have stayed with that guy or even found someone else rather than having to face you and tell you this.