Boyfriend of 5 years wants to date long time crush and 'see'....

March 7, 2011

Hi everyone,

I have been with this guy for 5 years since college.Now I am in London pursuing further studies and he is back home working. Before coming to London, I decided to make him meet my parents since they had been asking me about marriage. Since we had been together for over 4 years I thought it was natural for us to plan for the next step and so our families met. But suddenly after meeting my parents (to which he had agreed reluctantly) he showed some doubts about getting married. First, he said it was too early and that he definitely wanted to marry me but needed some time. He said he wanted to propose in the traditional way and that I should wait and not spoil it by asking him. I have been away from him for 6 months now and he has started having doubts about 'us'. He is thinking about this girl he has had a 'crush' on for a couple of years. He thinks that the girl will be perfect for him in 'every' way, something that I am not;and so wants to see what happens. Earlier we had planned that he would come to London this year but now he wants to go to US where this girl is studying to give it a shot. The amazing part is that this girl has never expressed any feelings for him but she does 'like' him and flirts with him (according to him).

We have always been very good friends and so we talk about anything under the sun with each other. He has always been honest about his feelings with me.

I told him that we should break up if he wants to experiment and that it is 'unfair' to keeping me hanging as a 'fall back option'. He said he cannot do that since he cares a lot about me and cannot hurt me.

I tried breaking up with him once but being alone here in London I feel very lonely and end up calling or texting him. With our families involved it is even more difficult for me to break up. The thought of being single all over again and the fear of not being able to love anyone again is driving me crazy.

We are both 26 and this is my 2nd relationship.Its his first.

Please help.Is he being commitment phobic or is there no hope at all? Is it a side effect of Long distance relationship? Guys could u please throw some light.

Thanks.

R

March 7, 2011

Ok first of all, i understand being completely honest and talking to each other about everything but i dont think i could be with a man who was constantly talking about someone else. and how perfect they are form him. absolutely not! Then on top of that, talk about wanting to have a relationship just to see how it will go and have you as a back up option.

then on top of that!!!!! he didnt even want to come visit you after you being gone for 6 months. he would rather go a year+ withought seeing you just to visit some girl he thinks is perfect.

Correct me if im wrong but that is pretty horrible. I dont understand why you are still with him. Im sorry im sure you have friends in London right? You have been there 6 months already and are going to be there for some time right? Have you made any friends? im sure you cant be completely alone. But seriously, why are you with someone who so bluntly admits that his "dream Perfect" girl is not you?

If it were me. I think the relationship wouldn't have lasted this long. If you guys can work it out, more power to you. But i think you need to take a good look at your relationship. I mean if he thinks his perfect girl is somewhere else, why are you still in the picture?

March 7, 2011

Thanks for your insight Saphira...

He has always maintained that he cannot compare both of us,we both are two different people and that he loves one (me) and 'likes' one (its more of awe and admiration). I am what he has who is probably the best and the other is the perfect girl he 'can' have.You are right when you say that I shouldn't be with someone who thinks his dream 'perfect' girl is not me and I know it sounds like he is totally un-committed but he is not. The problem is that even when we gave each other a break for a month he didn't act on it. He didn't contact her and said later that he felt guilty.He says that he is still confused and there is a chance that he may never act on it and always stay with me.

I am totally confused. I do love this guy and we have shared lots of good and bad times together.

Your post totally makes sense and this is what my friends said too. I just want to hear what other people think before I take this step. As I said its all talk and nothing has been done. Is it good to end a relationship on the basis of conjecture? Should I give us more time to see if he clears up his mind?

I do have friends here in London, but I don't see myself dating in near future. I haven't felt a connection with anyone yet.

March 7, 2011

What an utter twat. Why are you even considering marrying someone who treats you like this?

There is no "conjecture". He has told you that you are not perfect for him. He admits that he is not really happy with you and is settling for you. Really, is this the kind of person you want to be with? Someone who will always be on the lookout for someone else? You will be looking over your shoulder for ever. He will have an affair and leave you when he finds someone he likes better, don't think that tying him down with a wedding ring will stop that. Better that he told you this now, so you can eject him from your life. What a disrespectful, horrible person he is. Be glad you found out now rather than after marriage!

What do you imagine his reaction would be if you said the same things to him? That you would like to try out the waters with some other guy who you think is perfect but if it doesn't work out then you expect him to come running back like a puppy dog?

March 7, 2011

I told him that we should break up if he wants to experiment and that it is 'unfair' to keeping me hanging as a 'fall back option'. He said he cannot do that since he cares a lot about me and cannot hurt me. and telling you this crap is supposed to be painless?!! As PNP said, what an utter twat. He wants it both ways, but he doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy. Either he commits to the relationship and gets his head outta his *ss concerning his crush by admitting that it's never going anywhere, or he breaks it off so that both can go about your merry way. THAT is what caring is about, not hurting you by having it both ways.

I tried breaking up with him once but being alone here in London I feel very lonely and end up calling or texting him. With our families involved it is even more difficult for me to break up. The thought of being single all over again and the fear of not being able to love anyone again is driving me crazy. I feel for you, kid, but the truth of the matter is, you've convinced yourself that you cannot exist without this person. And that's not good because then you're giving him a kind of power over you to a point where you cannot operate unless you've got his "okay" to be and do ...

break-ups are horrible, especially when you've got so much emotionally invested in someone, but they're also not an impossible thing to recover from. The question here is, are you strong enough to be your own person with or without him, or are you fully reliant on him to make your existence complete.

take it from an old fart who's been there: You will be madly in love in your life time, and you get over it when it ends. Gradually, but you do get over it. And in its place you find the love you're meant to have, not the one you *think* you're supposed to have. And it's a huge world of difference!

March 7, 2011

Thanks for your insight Saphira...
He has always maintained that he cannot compare both of us,we both are two different people and that he loves one (me) and 'likes' one (its more of awe and admiration). I am what he has who is probably the best and the other is the perfect girl he 'can' have.You are right when you say that I shouldn't be with someone who thinks his dream 'perfect' girl is not me and I know it sounds like he is totally un-committed but he is not. The problem is that even when we gave each other a break for a month he didn't act on it. He didn't contact her and said later that he felt guilty.He says that he is still confused and there is a chance that he may never act on it and always stay with me.

I am totally confused. I do love this guy and we have shared lots of good and bad times together.

Your post totally makes sense and this is what my friends said too. I just want to hear what other people think before I take this step. As I said its all talk and nothing has been done. Is it good to end a relationship on the basis of conjecture? Should I give us more time to see if he clears up his mind?

I do have friends here in London, but I don't see myself dating in near future. I haven't felt a connection with anyone yet.

Well if my post makes total since to you i dont know why you still have to ask yourself that question. He did contact her because he didnt want to. He didnt because he thought it would hurt you. He may care for you but the other woman will always be on his mind. And now he is hesitant on marrige. and he is hesitant because he feels he still may have a chance with his "perfect girl" All im saying is if it were me, then he and i would no loger be dating. and you dont see yourself dating in the future but its not unlikly, and you havent met everyone in london. and your not going to be there forever. Take a little time to be on your own and figure out what you want because he deffinitly wants something else. and he wants you to stick around incase his "perfect girl" turns him down, then he has the next best thing waiting for him. I think you have all the answers already, you just dont want to see them yet.

March 7, 2011

Thanks a lot for your posts everyone.

PNP When we both talked of marriage around a year back he did not bring up this girl. This new development happened after I came to London.I pictured having a family with him in the future but unfortunately that dream came tumbling down in the past six months.You are right when you say "He will have an affair and leave you when he finds someone he likes better". As much as I may try to hide from this but it is true.

quankanne..it is weird how people around me, my friends, family see me as a rock solid and strong person and this guy manages to bring me down to tears with just his words. I am emotionally dependent on him and so find it difficult to break away from him.

I think I will have to be strong and break up with him. I cannot control the future but at least I change my present.

March 7, 2011

You know, I had a similar experience with my now ex. It was a few weeks before we broke up and we were talking about the relationship. She told me about this guy she was interested in and that she wanted to go meet him and see if her feelings were really true. If they weren't then we were fine and our problems were solved.

I was completely floored and angry. I couldn't even articulate how mad I was. She seemed like she had no idea why I was so mad. She didn't get the concept that she was basically saying, "Ok, you're my number 2, so if things don't work out with number 1, I'll stay here."

She's "with" him now in a LDR. They still haven't ever met. Har har.

March 7, 2011

You know it mildly angers me when you have an independant women studying in another country to further herself, but makes excuses for some pond scum hanging round her. Get rid and move on. Now.

March 7, 2011

SOunds like a committment phobic to me, you guys were together 4 years before he met your family? Are you kidding? Then as soon as it looks like there could be some committment involved he suddenly thinks there is someone perfect for him? Geesh. No one is perfect hunny, no one. He's building her up and he doesn't even know her and he's doing it because he is terrified of committing to you most likely.

Even if I am way off beam the guy is an a$$, how dare he tell you this and try to keep you as back up. NO NO NO hunny, you are worth more than that and that is what you tell him. Obviously it is your decision whether to break up with him or not, you have to live with the choice but if it were me...he'd be out the door and no way back in.

March 7, 2011

Better leave him now than wasting more years or your precious life. You will find someone who doesn't treat you this way.

March 7, 2011

You know it mildly angers me when you have an independant women studying in another country to further herself, but makes excuses for some pond scum hanging round her. Get rid and move on. Now.

Wow, me too! You have so much going for you and can do so much better. Trust me... 26 is young. There will be others, give yourself a little time. Totally agree with PNP too. This guy is a total jerk, and when you step away from it for a few months or so you will see.

March 7, 2011

I told him that we should break up if he wants to experiment and that it is 'unfair' to keeping me hanging as a 'fall back option'. He said he cannot do that since he cares a lot about me and cannot hurt me.

It doesn't need to be his choice whether he can do that or not. You have the capability to take matters into your own hands and make this decision, for you.

I tried breaking up with him once but being alone here in London I feel very lonely and end up calling or texting him. With our families involved it is even more difficult for me to break up. The thought of being single all over again and the fear of not being able to love anyone again is driving me crazy.

OK, now he may be "commitment-phobic" but I'm concerned that you might be "independence-phobic", which is another kind of problem. I believe that we are healthiest when we confidently believe that we are whole, strong, independent people, not needing to fill an empty space with a relationship, or needing someone else to "complete me."

Being independence-phobic factors into decisions and behaviors around relationships - staying in them when we shouldn't, accepting disrespect that we don't deserve, desperately seeking the next relationship to fill the hole when one ends...

I think we are at our best within a relationship when we can be confident, independent, and strong outside a relationship.

So I don't mean to minimize the importance of your current relationship, nor the sense of loss at its possible ending, but try not to be afraid of "being single again", or letting it drive you crazy. This is an important developmental opportunity - to build stronger muscles of personal confidence and independence, that will serve you personally for the rest of your life, as well as make you a stronger, healthier partner in whatever relationship you enter next.

I think I will have to be strong and break up with him. I cannot control the future but at least I change my present.

If you choose to end it, this is the right attitude. And even if you can't control your future - in the sense of being able to guarantee its outcome - you can certainly insist on having your hands on the steering wheel and your eyes wide open and focused forward.

Don't be afraid of change; don't be afraid of your future. And most importantly, don't let those fears dominate your decisions.

March 7, 2011

I think we are at our best within a relationship when we can be confident, independent, and strong outside a relationship.

this says it best ... OP, you're not weak, you just want to be fair in this game of love. And that's admirable, but at some point you need to figure out what you're going to put up with and what you're not gonna put up with. If you don't want to break up with him, that's okay – he still plans to cat around, though.

if it's an acceptable solution to you, tell him you're considering it, with the understanding that while he's on his "hall pass" you also have the opportunity to have a little fun with other men. Whether you do or not isn't the point, his response is. Because I guarantee, that boy wants to wrap you up in cotton and put you on the shelf where you'll remain pure and unchanged until he decides he's had his fill of fun.

however enticing as it may be, it won't address the main issue, that he's now singing a new song and dancing a new dance. Again, you're not weak, you're just acting on feelings of love. Sometimes, though, you've got to direct that love toward yourself instead of the other person ... especially in situations like this. What's best for YOU? Will it make y'alls relationship better? Do you really feel that it's a good thing to trust your heart to someone who would willingly do this to you? Especially if he expects you to fall into place, be patient and not do as he does because "it wouldn't be right"?

the best relationships are based on commitment and love and respect. And an ability to survive without that person, as I tell my husband. It's not that I want to be without him, just not be so hung up on him that I can't function, and I hope he sees us the same way ... otherwise, it's a matter of the one person who loves a little bit harder always being asked to make the sacrifices. And that's not a solid relationship ...

Edited March 7, 2011 by quankanne

March 8, 2011

Love should > Like.

So if he is going for his longtime crush and would rather see her than you, he is clearly not loving you as much as claimed. Just my 2 cents.

March 9, 2011

Hi everyone,

I told him that we should break up if he wants to experiment and that it is 'unfair' to keeping me hanging as a 'fall back option'. He said he cannot do that since he cares a lot about me and cannot hurt me.

I tried breaking up with him once but being alone here in London I feel very lonely and end up calling or texting him. With our families involved it is even more difficult for me to break up. The thought of being single all over again and the fear of not being able to love anyone again is driving me crazy.

We are both 26 and this is my 2nd relationship.Its his first.

Please help.Is he being commitment phobic or is there no hope at all? Is it a side effect of Long distance relationship? Guys could u please throw some light.

Thanks.
R

Your instincts are very good... and you should break-up, at least to allow his "experiment".

NOT that his experiment matters at all to any of the three of you, but your guy is just behaving like someone who doesn't know where he is and doesn't know where he wants to be. Ultimately you don't need someone like that.

Set him free... if he comes back to you (in better internal shape) he's yours, if not, you didn't really want him for the long haul anyway.

I know it will be tough, but perhaps it will afford you some helpful perspective in the way that you'd experience other males.

March 11, 2011

Thank you all for your replies.Sorry for posting in late.

I have given him an ultimatum that I will not stay 2nd to any other girl and would break up if he compares me to her. He said that he is not willing to act on his feelings. I also told him that I'll begin dating other men too if he goes ahead and dates her. Incidentally, a couple of guys had shown interest in me a while ago and so I told him that I would date one of them.This has made him a little insecure although I am not sure how long this is going to help.

This may just be another of his 'yes you are the one and not her' phases and so I am giving it a little time.Since we are in a long distance relationship already and we only communicate over phone and skype, there is minimal contact between us. I don't talk to him unless he calls or messages. I have decided that if he goes back to his confusion state again, I will completely break up with him. As of now I am in retrospection mode to see if there is something I did that triggered this situation and pushed him away.

March 11, 2011

Thank you all for your replies.Sorry for posting in late.
I have given him an ultimatum that I will not stay 2nd to any other girl and would break up if he compares me to her. He said that he is not willing to act on his feelings. I also told him that I'll begin dating other men too if he goes ahead and dates her. Incidentally, a couple of guys had shown interest in me a while ago and so I told him that I would date one of them.This has made him a little insecure although I am not sure how long this is going to help.
This may just be another of his 'yes you are the one and not her' phases and so I am giving it a little time.Since we are in a long distance relationship already and we only communicate over phone and skype, there is minimal contact between us. I don't talk to him unless he calls or messages. I have decided that if he goes back to his confusion state again, I will completely break up with him. As of now I am in retrospection mode to see if there is something I did that triggered this situation and pushed him away.

NO! NEVER THINK YOU DESERVE THIS TREATMENT FROM A MAN! NEVER!

For the rest, good for you! You are worth the world, remember that!

March 12, 2011

I thought the same stuckonyou.

But I also had thrown at me everything that ever happened in our relationship, from front to back. Things I think she even made up as well in her anger! I realised it was nothing to do with that stuff, and nothing to do with me because she had a far easier time as a mum with me doing so much for our son!

You can spend a lot of time looking for it, and you won't find it.. It's them!

March 13, 2011

NO! NEVER THINK YOU DESERVE THIS TREATMENT FROM A MAN! NEVER!

For the rest, good for you! You are worth the world, remember that!

Ditto!!! This is not your fault AT ALL. This is all him. He is an insensitive jerk who does not deserve to have you in his life at all. You deserve so much better then this loser, please have confidence in yourself! Break up with him and start dating one of those guys that has shown interest in you!

March 14, 2011

This guy is trash... I'm sorry you wasted 5 years on him but if you marry him your relationship will probably not last if he is crushing on other girls.

Sign In

Boyfriend of 5 years wants to date long time crush and 'see'....

Recommended Posts

stuckonyou

Saphira

stuckonyou

PegNosePete

quankanne

Saphira

stuckonyou

bslchump

depplover_1980

willowthewisp

Bionic Me

TurboGirl

Trimmer

quankanne

fresh8

SincereOnlineGuy

stuckonyou

willowthewisp

stop_the_lies

Lauriebell82

Hhhh

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...