Day 4 NC blues, Left for a co-worker and can't stop questioning everything. Thoughts?

[raidernation]

I’ve been lurking on the forum for about a month now trying to find answers and it’s safe to say I have gained much insight regarding my break up situation with my first love because of all the people here on LS. Thanks for everyone sharing their personal experiences and many of the guides helped me greatly when I was first dealing with the initial shock. I’m only on day 4 of no contact but I wanted to share my experience, hear what people seem to think about it and see if maybe I am approaching this in the wrong way.

 

I was her best friend for 4 years

Every time she communicated a need I would accomplish it (I moved to fix the distance in our relationship, I tried to accommodate her demanding grad school schedule by driving in town, she wanted me to go forward with my education so I got into the same grad school)

I traveled with her to 7 different countries for months at a time,

she would say she loved me, tell me her insecurities and I would make her feel better about them

she would spend time with my family and her family loved me, her friends thought I was a sweetheart

I would sacrifice my time to make her life easier (cook dinner, fix her car, move her in, wash dishes)

I got in ridiculously great shape since dating her

quit smoking, quit drinking, quit hanging around bad influences, saved a ton of money

and had a great sex life

 

What I don’t understand is how someone can go from telling you they love you one day, having sex, showing affection and sleeping in your bed to.. I can’t be with you because I can’t do this one thing for you.

 

We went through a cycle where she would go hang out with her co-worker behind my back because I was away, we break up because of it, she blames it on some issue (distance, career, insecurity), she stops talking to him for a couple of months, begin cycle once again. This has been happening since last Feb, never got past 1 or 2 make outs on separate occasions (when we were broken up) but really stopped around sept last year. We get back from an amazing vacation in Thailand this January, I move into the same town as her, I go out of town for surgery a couple weeks later, she hangs out with him till 4am, I tell her that I can’t handle it anymore, she breaks up with me because of that, I implement no contact, she comes back 2 weeks later saying she loves me and doesn’t want to be with him even though they were fooling around those 2 weeks (she told me what they did.. no sex she says). Being the optimist and forgiving person I am, I believe she might have gotten it out of her system finally because of the two weeks, I really care about her and I just want to move forward from this. Now 2 weeks later we break up because she says, “I can’t not stop hanging around with him and I will only disappoint you. I don’t like him, I love you, I will always love you but I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” This of course all happened after we had an argument over why she had to call him on the phone and something she said about missing talking to him which made me uncomfortable.

 

Honestly, I think it’s a bit offensive to assume that she is doing the noble thing by breaking up with me to be with someone else or because she can’t establish boundaries with someone who she hooked up with 2 weeks ago/had feelings for. I feel it was her dishonesty that made this whole situation so messed up. If she would have just been up front when she first had these doubts a year ago, said I need time to be by myself, I’m not sure if we are compatible, I have feelings for a friend, then I might have been able to accept she was being a fair person.

 

I feel like this whole situation cheapened our relationship and it really has made me question our whole history together. I feel like I was used for support, company, love and tricked into thinking we had a future together. How can someone just throw that way? I find myself saying maybe I shouldn’t have tried so hard but then I think, I’m glad I tried so hard because I would have questioned my efforts if I didn’t give it my all. Now I’m regretting moving, accepting her back two weeks ago, not breaking up with her earlier based on the signs, believing her words about our future/love, but I am also proud I could show so much love for another person (utterly conflicted).

 

I haven’t talked to her since she came over, gave me the talk, refused to leave, stayed on my couch, came to my bed, had sex with me, cuddled with me, talked to me again in the morning about how we can’t be together and left for good. My friend saw her 2 nights ago at a bar having fun drinking it up with her friends like nothing happened.

 

My question is why someone would want to throw away everything especially when someone is working so damn hard to be a good partner. I guess my ego is crying out for validation because it hurts thinking she didn’t mean what she said all those times, that she didn’t think I was worth it and that she used me for whatever she wanted until she couldn't get away with her little game. I feel like she took advantage of my good nature but I understand that it was my choice to work that hard. What do you think about my situation? I know people change throughout the course of a relationship but how can someone just turn off their emotions like that? Does that mean she never loved me? How can you hurt someone like that and not feel bad about it?

 

 

Thanks for reading this long annoying post but it felt good to get it all off my chest instead of reading thousands of stories that were similar but not personal. I appreciate all the help and any insight you can provide.

[Fern]

I've had a lot of those same feelings about my Ex. I think he used me for financial and emotional support for 6 years. You will start to care less about this. As time passes you will see that only a person of very little character could do this to someone they claimed to love. She is NOT a good person and she will not be a better person with this new guy. Eventually she will treat him like dirt too. It's a horrible blow to the self-esteem but it has taught me some lessons about how to set better boundaries with people.

I'm sure she DOES feel bad about it. My own ex feels guilty as hell. And well he should. It doesn't change the fact of what he did and continues to do with this co-worker. Guilt changes nothing for us, the wounded party. Let her live with her guilt and amputate her from your life like a diseased limb. Eventually you aren't going to care what she does. Right now it's still raw enough that you wonder how much was 'your fault'. None of it was your fault, you got used by a pathetic excuse for a woman who didn't have the strength of character to learn to stand on her own feet. In a few months you'll see this was not really a loss - it was actually the greatest favour she could have done you.