covergirl1977 Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Hi to everyone!! I am desperate for opinions as I am soooo hurt & confused. I met a guy and we dated for a month maybe a few days longer until he stopped calling me and got back together with his on again off again ex...which might I add.....is way older than us. We are both 33, she is 50!! Very soon after meeting we began hanging out fast and very early on had a conversation (initiated by him) about what we are looking for. I was very honest. I explained to him that I am not interested in playing games and that at this point in my life, I am looking for companionship, my buddy, my guy and he understood exactly where I am in life. He explained that he is ready for the same. He was happy that we were having this conversation and thought we should be honest with each other from the start and he wasn't into games. That he as well was ready for a committed loving relationship. He also explained to me that he had his past on and off relationship than recently ended about a couple of months prior to us meeting. He told me that they broke up for the last time, it would never work. All of the horrible break ups they had before, all the crazy, controlling things she has done to him and that she's done things before to make him jealous, how hurt he was, she refuses to spend time with his family only her own, how his family doesn't really care for her and basically that is CRAZY. I trusted him and didn't question the ex much because in the time we were together which was probably every single day I didn't feel insecure, he was into me. He introduced me to his friends, some of his family and spoke to me every single day. In the last week he did mention being upset about something but didn't want to talk about it and then with in the next few days....he was gone. One of the things he described about his ex that was terrible is that she would put him up to "other" girls he'd met during their break ups (some of which were up to 9months) to call in off in front of her so that she would feel ok. I stayed strong when he disappeared and although I wasn't sure...I guess that he had some involvement with her again. A few days later he was calling my phone all day and I wouldn't answer. Partly because I was mad at him and partly because I didn't to hear the bad news. After calling several times he txtd me that he had a long talk with his ex and that they were back together. He also included that he didn't think it was fair for HER if we had any contact. I was soooo hurt at that moment. Everything I had hoped for the two of us was really over BUT worse than that he left me blowing in the wind only to then validate HER feelings and NOT MINE??? Well I couldn't help myself and called him immediately. I explained I didn't answer because I didn't want to hear the news and so on and as we were trying to talk I can tell he wasn't being himself....SHE WAS THERE!!!!! I asked him and he told me she was there. I just couldn't believe that he did the same thing he told me about to ME now. It so sad that even when you are honest with someone they still manage to screw you over. I'm not sure how they started to talk again or why, whether or not she pulled her tactics on him again or what but not only do I feel like he used me but he wouldn't even speak to me on his own. I asked him to touch base with me so we can talk alone, he at least owed that to me and nothing. A couple of days later I drove down his street, hoping he would be home but no lights and left. Right after I get a call from his phone but it was HER, a 50 year old women screaming at me that she wanted to kill me!!!! I am sooo hurt. Its been 2 weeks and he never even attempted to call me so that I can have closure. I was good to him and he was good to me too. We enjoyed each others company and the crazy thing is a few days before this happened told me how he felt that we had a lot to offer each other, he likes spending time with me and son on. Its just so hard to understand why he couldnt be honest and not only that...I feel like he turned on me after the fact. He allowed her to call me with his phone and yell at me? He called me in front of her because it would help her?? I hope someone has the words to help me get past this.....
kat08 Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Wow your story is complete opposite side of mine except I'm not crazy. I'm sorry your hurt and that you were used. That is defiantly the case in this situation. Right from the start he said his on and off again relationship that should have been your red flag. Also him introducing you to friends and family was his way of hopefully getting it back to the ex like "hey I've moved on"and she's younger. In all honesty he never got over her. He sounds like a douch bag and you don't wanna be with someone like that anyway. Look at it this way you should thank him for the not wasting anymore of your time and you only lost a month with him. Which in all reality isn't that long when it comes to a relationship. Good luck with your next guy keep your head up. There's only one of you and thousands douch bags.
geegirl Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 "he was good to me too" It's hard to gauge the sincerity of his "good" if you dated him for only a month. People put their best foot forward in the early stages to get exactly they are looking for. He had to show you his good side. If he didn't, you wouldn't bite. After going through a similar experience, I believe you must give it as much time as possible to get to know someone, if you want specific values and needs in a relationship. Why couldn't he be honest with you? Well, judging from his character, why would he? Who knows what his actual story is. He could have given you a story to put him in a woe is me light and pull at your heart strings. If his ex is truly who he says she is, then they deserve each other. You are better off outside of that equation. There's no way of figuring out why he behaved this way. You dated for about a month. Put this behind you and the lesson learned is to get to really know someone on a platonic level before you place all your cards on the table. If they're on a different page, most likely you will see their colors shine through in time and if they are on your wave length, you could slowly open yourself to a healthy possibility upon slowly discovering who the person really is. He has shown you who he is. You won't find closure or answers from him. It was a bad experience. You opened the door to someone who didn't treat you with respect and care. Try to focus on staying away from them. Don't answer your phone. Stay NC to keep your sanity and peace. All you can do is grieve that you were betrayed. Stay focused on putting this experience behind you and moving on. You're probably going to obsess on this for awhile but that is okay as long as it doesn't cause you to react and reach out to him.
Author covergirl1977 Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 Thanks, I am going to read your story now. I know it isn't a long time but it was special. I was wondering if it is possible that he didn't use me but maybe he himself was hopeful that his past would be just that...his past. Was he hopeful that he can move on but was not successful at it? Why did he turn on me after hurting me? His sister told me I had nothing to worry about and that he had told her he isn't love with his ex anymore. He and his sister are very close. Is it possible that he just didn't have the balls to tell me to my face or does it prove he used me since he called me in front of her? Again I know its a short time but we hung out alot and I'm remembering random times when he would tell me certain things he noticed about "us" that he really loved. Although now I see that those are signs of him comparing "us" to them I think he was genuine. Its hard to get over the hope of something when you've been single and was very open and honest with someone. How do I get him out of my brain?? I thought him explaining would help but I didn't get that from him which is the worst part
Author covergirl1977 Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 "he was good to me too" It's hard to gauge the sincerity of his "good" if you dated him for only a month. People put their best foot forward in the early stages to get exactly they are looking for. He had to show you his good side. If he didn't, you wouldn't bite. After going through a similar experience, I believe you must give it as much time as possible to get to know someone, if you want specific values and needs in a relationship. Why couldn't he be honest with you? Well, judging from his character, why would he? Who knows what his actual story is. He could have given you a story to put him in a woe is me light and pull at your heart strings. If his ex is truly who he says she is, then they deserve each other. You are better off outside of that equation. There's no way of figuring out why he behaved this way. You dated for about a month. Put this behind you and the lesson learned is to get to really know someone on a platonic level before you place all your cards on the table. If they're on a different page, most likely you will see their colors shine through in time and if they are on your wave length, you could slowly open yourself to a healthy possibility upon slowly discovering who the person really is. He has shown you who he is. You won't find closure or answers from him. It was a bad experience. You opened the door to someone who didn't treat you with respect and care. Try to focus on staying away from them. Don't answer your phone. Stay NC to keep your sanity and peace. All you can do is grieve that you were betrayed. Stay focused on putting this experience behind you and moving on. You're probably going to obsess on this for awhile but that is okay as long as it doesn't cause you to react and reach out to him. Thanks!!! You are so right.....he has shown me who he is and I will NOT get answers from him. I am definitely staying NC. I tried to get him to talk to me alone initially but he was mean to me. He must be known to get back with her by others as well. A local bartender knows him and my brother and told my brother "he is a nice guy but he keeps running back to her and she is psyco" I'm so tired of hearing he is a nice guy. Nice guys wouldn't go from one extreme to the other without a true apologetic face to face ending. It just seems that he left what was a new potential with a future for a relationship that doesn't work. One which doesn't give him a future of kids, family of his own and the sort of thing he told me he could see in us. I am getting better with the obsessing thing. Keeping busy. Its not the loss of love that hurts but the feeling so disposable after being open and honest
geegirl Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 (edited) Thanks!!! You are so right.....he has shown me who he is and I will NOT get answers from him. I am definitely staying NC. I tried to get him to talk to me alone initially but he was mean to me. He must be known to get back with her by others as well. A local bartender knows him and my brother and told my brother "he is a nice guy but he keeps running back to her and she is psyco" I'm so tired of hearing he is a nice guy. Nice guys wouldn't go from one extreme to the other without a true apologetic face to face ending. It just seems that he left what was a new potential with a future for a relationship that doesn't work. One which doesn't give him a future of kids, family of his own and the sort of thing he told me he could see in us. I am getting better with the obsessing thing. Keeping busy. Its not the loss of love that hurts but the feeling so disposable after being open and honest I know what you mean. I was with someone who for nearly a year was to me upstanding. Until one day I found out he was cheating with several women and when confronted, showed me a side of him that was just mean and vicious. His friends think he is an awesome guy and a great catch. His colleagues think he is fun and cool. I on the other hand have seen his horns and forked tongue! No one will believe me if I told them what he is like. Some people put on a face that is different in the public eye versus behind closed doors. Maybe he was genuine in his feelings but just could not follow through seeing that there must be some dysfunctional drama that keeps him tied to her. In that case, you don't want to be with someone who is not emotionally healthy. Maybe he knew how to tell you what you wanted to hear to keep you where he wanted you to be. You will never be able to tell intentions, especially when you now know he's not one of good character. It hurts to feel used and betrayed knowing that you went in with a good heart and good intentions. Unfortunately, we cannot control people who don't want to act with integrity and honesty. The only thing we can control now, moving forward is to be mentally and emotionally smart when approached with the possibility of putting your heart out there again. Stay strong. It's normal to obsess about the whys and it will come and go. You want to give people the benefit of the doubt that they have goodness in them to treat you as you would treat them, but unfortunately, it's not how some things work. Whatever his actions, know that he wasn't looking out for your best interest and that says enough to use as closure and move on. Edited March 7, 2011 by geegirl
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