Found out today, marriage might end.

[big JL]

Well, here I am. Only hours after leaving the apartment (lower of a duplex) that my wife and I have called home for awhile.

 

We have been together for about 5 years now, and will hopefully celebrate 2 years of being married in July. I'm 25 and she is 24.

 

There is soo much, where do I begin?

 

The basic story laid out for me is that we never do anything together anymore, and she got to the point where it was okay. We each did what we wanted separately. Usually that consisted of her sitting in her room watching all sorts of reality drama shows (like Jersey Shore and such) and playing on here computer, and I would sit in my room and either be on my laptop or playing video games.

 

We usually never do anything together because we never really compromise. That I know, and am willing to change, but she has said in the past that she is unhappy. After our talks this morning I told her that I know its completely my fault for not listening better or actually trying to change things. And I truly mean that I want to make an effort to turn us around and get us out of the rut we are in.

 

But alas, she said she was tired of this and wants to end it. These were words I never thought I would hear. Especially this early in our marriage. In the grand scheme of things, giving a marriage less than 2 years is not alot of time. Last week she started hinting at this stuff (not spending any time together) and I told her I would make an effort to change it. And I just started, we went out to the Milwaukee Art Museum, and I suggested bowling later, and she was more or less acting bummed out and non-receptive.

 

 

What makes this difficult is that I work 1st shift and she works 2nd, and in completely different cities. So literally the only time we get together is on the weekends.

 

After lots of talking and a few things that I do not feel comfortable saying on a publicly viewed website (don't worry, I did not hurt her or anyone else. I would never even think about harming my wife for any reason, I love her too much), she finally said maybe we need a break. But I can feel that it may still not end well if I don't prove to here that I want to change.

 

Tomorrow morning I plan on making an appointment for a counselor and try to get my wife in it. For now, I'm staying at my parent's place until I can fix this.

 

I suppose I'm looking for support and more advice from you guys.

 

Thanks;

Joe

[Duckduckgoose]

Its okay to post whatever you want here, this is an anonymous forum.

[Goldenspoon]

 

 

What makes this difficult is that I work 1st shift and she works 2nd, and in completely different cities. So literally the only time we get together is on the weekends.

 

 

I think she is having an affair. Have you check her cell phone records? Whom she's been calling at odd hours?

 

Do you know what she's been up to online?

[big JL]

Well, basically the whole talk of us not being together anymore was pretty much the most devastating thing I have heard. I really couldn't picture myself living without her... Sooo- I was considering not living, if you get my drift. I don't want to get into details, but for now I'm still alive and am looking forward to a long live with the person I chose to spend the rest of my life with. But I am also dreading that she is just making a show of all this and has her mind made up... Although once she saw how serious I was at not being able to live without her, she finally (hopefully) realized that even in my laid back nature, she is what matters most.

 

I know we have lost what we had when we were in the dating scene, and we are not as intimate as we once were. I have been too stupid/selfish/blind to see what I wasn't doing. I want to change it.

 

She also feels responsible for this, but I kinda don't buy it. she blames herself for not telling me her feelings about us sooner or more often because she was afraid that I would be hurt. And thats true, but then it escalated to this, and now I was reduced to wanting to end my own existence.

 

I told her, and it was probably very cold of me, that what is the difference if I'm alive or not if you leave me? Either way, you will never see me or talk to me ever again. I wonder if that made her realize what she means.

 

 

I don't know what to make of this. I know her family always got along and loved me. Even after a year or so of dating her mom said that if we ever split up, they would disown her and adopt me... I know that was only a joke, but it told me just how well I fit.

 

Tomorrow is a new day. I'm sure I will not wake up back in our bed like I want to and believe this was all a terrible dream. But I think I will take a half day off at work, go buy some flowers and leave her a heart-felt note for when she gets home. But before that I will hopefully have a counselor appointment made and give her the date and time in the note. I hope that may bring her around to actually try and work this out. But if anything, just me talking with the counselor may give me some tools or methods of repairing the marriage that we have.

 

 

 

 

Every moment that passes by right now, I still can't believe is actually happening. It doesn't feel real, nor does it feel right. I'm ashamed of myself for not being the person I should have been, but I feel that we really need to understand the inner workings of what is going on here because I think that will help us in knowing how to prevent this situation again.

[big JL]

I think she is having an affair. Have you check her cell phone records? Whom she's been calling at odd hours?

 

Do you know what she's been up to online?

 

Well, I asked her if she was putting on this show to leave me for someone else so I wouldn't think that there was... She replied that there is no one else.

 

I generally believe that she tells me the truth, but I'm unsure about this. She did get a call the other night at an odd hour, but I think it might have been a friend/ co-worker. A couple nights a week she will go out to the bar and have a good time with her friends/ co-workers. Thats the stuff she likes to do. I'm not too into that, but I did offer to come out with her on friday night, and saturday night, both times she said that I should stay home, but she acknowledged that I was making the effort I said I was. The bar scene is not really my thing. Costs too much to drink, makes people idiots, and the music played is just not what I'm into (hardcore metal fan here, but you couldn't tell by looking at me).

 

Although I am suspicious a bit, she really doesn't have any weird excuses for going out at weird times.

 

 

Oh, and our sexual activities have, well... been few and far between as well as not feeling special or having any real intimacy.

[WorldIsYours]

Yup she's cheating. She's just hiding it well.

[Fleur de Lis]

Well, basically the whole talk of us not being together anymore was pretty much the most devastating thing I have heard. I really couldn't picture myself living without her... Sooo- I was considering not living, if you get my drift. I don't want to get into details, but for now I'm still alive and am looking forward to a long live with the person I chose to spend the rest of my life with. But I am also dreading that she is just making a show of all this and has her mind made up... Although once she saw how serious I was at not being able to live without her, she finally (hopefully) realized that even in my laid back nature, she is what matters most.

 

I know we have lost what we had when we were in the dating scene, and we are not as intimate as we once were. I have been too stupid/selfish/blind to see what I wasn't doing. I want to change it.

 

She also feels responsible for this, but I kinda don't buy it. she blames herself for not telling me her feelings about us sooner or more often because she was afraid that I would be hurt. And thats true, but then it escalated to this, and now I was reduced to wanting to end my own existence.

 

I told her, and it was probably very cold of me, that what is the difference if I'm alive or not if you leave me? Either way, you will never see me or talk to me ever again. I wonder if that made her realize what she means.

 

 

I don't know what to make of this. I know her family always got along and loved me. Even after a year or so of dating her mom said that if we ever split up, they would disown her and adopt me... I know that was only a joke, but it told me just how well I fit.

 

Tomorrow is a new day. I'm sure I will not wake up back in our bed like I want to and believe this was all a terrible dream. But I think I will take a half day off at work, go buy some flowers and leave her a heart-felt note for when she gets home. But before that I will hopefully have a counselor appointment made and give her the date and time in the note. I hope that may bring her around to actually try and work this out. But if anything, just me talking with the counselor may give me some tools or methods of repairing the marriage that we have.

 

 

 

 

Every moment that passes by right now, I still can't believe is actually happening. It doesn't feel real, nor does it feel right. I'm ashamed of myself for not being the person I should have been, but I feel that we really need to understand the inner workings of what is going on here because I think that will help us in knowing how to prevent this situation again.

 

 

JL,

 

You're young and I have no doubt absolutely devastated by what appears to be your marriage go down the tubes. As hard as this is, keep your chin up and let go of any suicidal thoughts.

 

I have been devastated in the past by losing relationships that I cherished. I assure you that if your marrage ends, your life does not. It takes time, but you learn what you need to learn and each new relationship gets better, deeper, and more meaningful.

 

It may not seem like that right now, but it does.

 

Good luck, man.

[big JL]

Yup she's cheating. She's just hiding it well.

 

Possibly, but she goes to the bar- as I've said. And I somewhat know these people that she goes with. But if you're so sure she is, maybe I will do some deep checking if I cant sort any of this huge event out.

[WorldIsYours]

Possibly, but she goes to the bar- as I've said. And I somewhat know these people that she goes with. But if you're so sure she is, maybe I will do some deep checking if I cant sort any of this huge event out.

 

Yup. Do a little snooping and don't tell her what you're doing. That'd just alarm her....

[desertIslandCactus]

Possibly, but she goes to the bar- as I've said. And I somewhat know these people that she goes with. But if you're so sure she is, maybe I will do some deep checking if I cant sort any of this huge event out.

 

JL, I don't like to call out 'A' .. But normally people stay together unless there is someone else in the picture. It could even be job related.

 

Also, I'm not into counselers for myself, but making an appt with a MC, may be the only way you'll truly find out where she is coming from.

 

You're 25 - believe me the best of your life is still ahead, don't think about robbing yourself of the opportunity to see it.

[big JL]

I'm looking into snooping around. Technology is great- and I will leave it at that.

 

But I got a call from her over an hour ago, and she was basically saying the same things that she had been earlier- we spend time apart doing what we each enjoy separately, and we were okay with it... and that is a problem, even if we don't think it is. She also talked with her parents, and told me if I wanted to talk with them about it its okay... So if there is someone else in the picture then she is putting on a huge show. More than just to me, but her parents and family.

 

She also said that even though she wants some time apart, I can call and text her at any time to talk, and I can stop home to pick up some things if I want to.

 

I'm not going to give up.

[Steadfast]

There are two things you need to know before asking for, and receiving advice on a forum. One iron clad rule is actions speak louder than words. Let that sink in. Two, the advice you'll get here is percentage driven. It is impossible to be 100% sure about anything (from a distance) but stay here long enough and you'll quickly notice a pattern of human behavior. It is not unique.

 

First: It is normal to 'wake up' when trouble is announced. The normal reaction is to quickly try and restore the relationship. And while it's almost certain that you could have 'done things better' the fact is, so could she. In this economy you're fortunate to have paying jobs. Shifty schedules and time apart are issues easily tackled by people in love. You make it work.

 

A red flag: You've 'drifted apart' and this is her reasoning for a loss of feeling. Yet, your attempts to rectify that were refused. That probably means the 'drifting' was an excuse. She has something or someone on her radar, and you're in the way.

 

She replied that there is no one else.

 

Cheaters always say that. At least, in the beginning. Then again, so do those who aren't cheating, but those who honestly are not tend to be a bit less defensive. Again, human nature. You trust your wife? Aren't you supposed to? Not trusting is no way to live.

 

Women do not leave men they are in love with. Period. Cheating may, or may not play a part, but when a spouse requests 'space' or 'time to think' the odds are they're trying to free up some time to get the new relationship rolling. Saying "I don't know" or "I'm not sure" are signs that the new relationship is not strong enough to sustain her the way yours can, and she's buying some time until she knows for sure. A person, truly unhappy (but not cheating) will -out of respect for the partner- leave the home right away as not to drag the other person along. This still isn't good, but it's better than being lied to, betrayed and used.

 

Finally, for now, resist the urge to control her with guilt. Threatening to kill yourself only makes you look worse in her eyes. Pity is for losers, but sympathy or an understand ear can make all the difference. The best advice is to face it head on, ask direct, pointing questions and inform her that if she's lying, you will find out. The difference between how you feel about her as a person, and in the long run, hangs in the balance.

 

Find out the truth, then plan your next move. Keep in mind you can only decide for you. Not for her, no matter what. Again, resist the urge to fix or control.

 

Keep us posted-

[big JL]

Insightful words.

 

I want to trust my wife, and I want to believe her that she says there is no one else. Today I really couldn't stay at work and let my relationship continue to fail, so I confided a bit in my boss and he told me that family is very important and if I want to take a half day or more I could. So I went back to my parents house and got the address for a counselor.

 

I then left and went to their office and made an appointment, and got all the paperwork to take home and fill out. After that, I planned on doing things for her, and because she hadn't left for work yet I wanted to surprise her with one of her favorite foods- Chinese from this little place down the road. And even if she already ate, she loves the stuff re-heated. So it would be a win-win.

 

also our two dogs are staying a couple blocks away at her parent's house until this is all sorted out. But because I popped in before she took them, she asked me for help... So I got to go over and see her mom. And while my wife was in the back hall, and I by the front door, her mom came over and gave me a big and tight hug and whispered to me that she wants us to work it out and that she loves me. I whispered back that I'm trying.

 

 

Something tells me that even though I'm not blood family, I'm just as good, and my wife might catch alot of grief from her parents if she ends things. So this is more that the relationship I share with my wife, its the relationship I have with her family, and her relationship with them as well.

 

I have faith in us, and I told her I will do what it takes.

 

Maybe I will call her tonight and directly ask if she is seeing someone else, and tell her why I think she is. (More like what you guys have pointed out)

[jstobo]

Don't ask if she is seeing anyone else. You already asked and she said no. If you have proof, than by all means, ask. She is emotionally checked out right now. Do NOT BRING HER CHINESE FOOD!! She needs to miss you. Be super nice when you interact and "act" confident, even though you are crumbling inside. But do not do things FOR her.

 

Trust me on this.

[heartshaped]

For the record, personally, I don't think she's cheating. It just sounds like she's terribly unhappy with the way things have been. You say the two of you never do things together, but it sounds a bit like the two of you don't even spend time together. Would you say that assertion would be correct?

[Steadfast]

Heartshaped, there is no way we can 'think' anything from the information given. But I will say (again, using percentages) that when a wife is seeking distance from her husband, there is usually another person involved. That's a fact. The truth has yet to be revealed. OK?

 

Another red flag: she's a 2nd shift worker. That shift is notorious for after work bar action. And married women alone in bars after 10:00 pm is not a good thing. IMO.

 

Something tells me that even though I'm not blood family, I'm just as good, and my wife might catch alot of grief from her parents if she ends things. So this is more that the relationship I share with my wife, its the relationship I have with her family, and her relationship with them as well.

 

No it isn't. Your wife is not married to her family, and neither are you. This is exactly the type of control-thinking I was trying to warn you about.

 

Answer me this OP; would you rather your wife stay with you because she loves and cares about you and is devoted to your marriage, or because she's afraid what her parents/family will think if she leaves? This is not a long term recipe for happiness. And (speaking from personal experience) it isn't a guarantee either.

 

So while family is bound to get involved or have a take, it is wise to keep the problems between you two and work them out that way too. Outside pressure to stay together can be just as harmful as outside pressure to split up. You don't need it.

 

Get to the bottom of it. Either with her help and assistance or on your own. keep us posted-

[WorldIsYours]

Dude listen to Steadfast. He took the words out of my mouth.

 

She's cheating.

 

Women who cheat will most likely remain calm about it. Don't tell her you're snooping. Just act like nothing's going on.

 

The red flags are there. Just be cloak and dagger about this for a while.

 

You WILL find evidence.

[big JL]

Okay, her seeking distance was sort of a mutual agreement because I basically convinced her to not flat out leave. There has been distance between us for a while.

 

And to clear something else up- When I said that we didn't do anything together, I meant that we didn't spend time together.

 

We are talking, I'm sure she enjoyed the Chinese food. Maybe not the best thing to do, but maybe I got my point across in a small way: I want to start focusing on her and change how I think.

 

Currently we have plans for brunch at a restaurant on Sunday... Either she want to call it quits there so I won't make a scene (I still would though), or she wants to start with small steps.

 

Oh, and to all the ones here that are quick to judge that she is cheating, I asked her again- but a little differently. Pretty much it was kind of like a "How dare you" type response.

 

And to the 'being in bars after 10pm' comment- She works 2nd shift. I don't think that she is going to be able to be at a bar before 11pm.

 

It really sounds like a lot of you are actually trying to destroy what I'm trying to save.

 

In fact, after this post I don't know if I will come back. I know I sought out the help here, but now I'm not sure I want it. Thanks anyway.

[WorldIsYours]

Oh, and to all the ones here that are quick to judge that she is cheating, I asked her again- but a little differently. Pretty much it was kind of like a "How dare you" type response.

 

Red flag. A big one.

 

And to the 'being in bars after 10pm' comment- She works 2nd shift. I don't think that she is going to be able to be at a bar before 11pm.

 

It is very easy to cheat.

 

It really sounds like a lot of you are actually trying to destroy what I'm trying to save.

 

We're not here to hurt you or make you feel down. We're just here to let you know that in cases like yours most of the time it involves cheating. We're trying to prepare you for certain possibilities. You asked for our advice and we're giving it to you. We're not here to validate you.

[heartshaped]

Heartshaped, there is no way we can 'think' anything from the information given. But I will say (again, using percentages) that when a wife is seeking distance from her husband, there is usually another person involved. That's a fact. The truth has yet to be revealed. OK?

 

Actually, Steadfast, anyone with a brain can 'think' anything from any information given. If his wife was seeking distance from him for no reason, then, yes, I would agree that she was most likely cheating, but this isn't the case. Don't push your perceptions of a situation off on someone else. He doesn't think she's cheating, she's said she isn't, and he's chosen to believe her. Let sleeping dogs lie.

 

But OP, I think I have a good perception of what's going on. The two of you have been living separate lives, she's expressed to you that she was unhappy with this before, you didn't make any real effort to change things, and now she isn't sure she wants to try to make things work with you anymore.

 

You say it's your fault the two of you never compromise, which that might be you taking the blame on yourself, but if that was the case, that would make even more sense.

 

Women need attention and affection. The two of you haven't even been spending time together. OP you say yourself that the two of you have been pursuing different activities in separate rooms and I get that's the extent of the relationship between the two of you.

 

Now whether or not you two can repair this is up to your wife. I don't think there's much you can do or say at this point that is going to make her think or feel differently. I would definitely try asking her out to go to different places and doing some mutual activities the both of you like to show her you are willing to change, but other than that, it's up to her.

 

Counseling of course would be wonderful, but if she won't agree to go she won't agree to go. It may be too little too late or things might be repairable. Either way, I wish you the best.

[Steadfast]

It really sounds like a lot of you are actually trying to destroy what I'm trying to save.

 

In fact, after this post I don't know if I will come back. I know I sought out the help here, but now I'm not sure I want it. Thanks anyway.

 

Believe it or not, most here just want to see people make wise decisions and be happy. Experience teaches us many things, and not all of them are pleasant.

 

When the house is crumbling we must dig down and find the problem. It's hard, dirty work. It would be easier to just hang some pictures and pretend its not happening, but that won't fix anything. Please read my posts again. I don't know what is happening with your wife; I'm making no assumptions. But something is wrong and kissing her ass isn't going to fix it.

 

That isn't love...it's need and fear. Real love is strong. And real. I know you love your wife and you want to trust her. Make sure that you can.

 

Best of luck to you JL. Happy to listen if you change your mind. This stuff isn't easy. I know.