lenny Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 We were at a pool tournament's closing social last night and the both of us had been drinking. There was a young fellow there that I had just met that volunteered some personal troubling information. I got into rescuer mode and went out for a cigarette with the lad to talk to him about it and offer him some advice to seek counseling. We were outside for about half an hour and were not by any means alone as there were others outside smoking as well. I had told my bf that I was going for a smoke. I came back in and the bf flipped that I had been gone for an hour and he had no idea where I was. He was actually in the process of leaving without even looking for me in the smoking area. We had a discussion for quite some time about this when we got home where I apologized for doing anything that would have made him upset. I explained that I really didn't think at the time I was doing anything wrong or inappropriate and had I anticipated that he would have gotten upset about it wouldn't have done it. It then came out that he doesn't trust me. I told him I would correct this by trying not to have this situation come up again but I really think he was over the top here and I really don't know how I can avoid him getting upset similarly in the future. I feel he was being quite unreasonable. Really I could have gotten into a conversation with anyone while I was out there that could have held me up like that. I think this argument happened as a result of the combination of the alcohol involved as well as this lack of trust. I was very surprised he didn't trust me as I recognized early on he has these trust issues due to previous relationships where he was cheated on and I've done everything I can think of to try to earn his trust. Now that it's the next day there is no lingering tension or anything but I just don't know where to go from here. I will continue to work on this trust thing but I don't think I can ever totally avoid him having an insecure flip out like he did last night. I'm a little lost as to if there is anything I can do to make this better.
bobfisher Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 ... I really don't know how I can avoid him getting upset similarly in the future. No, you can't avoid him getting upset in the future. ...I've done everything I can think of to try to earn his trust. Only honesty can earn trust. If that doesn't work, no other words/actions will ever be enough. ... I don't think I can ever totally avoid him having an insecure flip out like he did last night. Again, no, you can't avoid him getting upset. Man, I hear this ALL the time and it's always the same. "I do everything I can to make him/her (insert emotion here)." We can't control the emotions of others. Sure, we can make decisions that affect the emotions of others, but ultimately, we don't control them because (here's the big secret) emotions can not be controlled by either person. Emotions just happen. This guy has a lot of emotional baggage. Until he deals with that on his own, there is nothing you can do to change it. You could spend 24/7 within eyesight of him, and tell him you love him every day, and he'll still be insecure because that's HIS problem. What can you do? Remain honest and allow him to be angry. This may seem hard, but it's the only way to avoid feelings of guilt for something you didn't do. You can't keep rescuing this guy.
Author lenny Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 bobfisher: Are you suggesting that the thing to do is to let him have his flip outs and then just reassure him, and that's the way to go? I am extremely open and honest with him about everything. After we've gone through the process of flip out and reassure, all is good. This is the second time this has happened but I didn't think too much about the first time since we were pretty new in our relationship. I do know and understand this is his baggage. I would like to do anything I can to help him through it though. I also understand that any distrust he has for me is not of my doing, it's totally spill over from previous relationships.
bobfisher Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I'm suggesting you let him have his flip outs and NOT reassure him. Constant reassurance will only allow him to become weaker and more reliant upon your strength. It's like lifting weights for him and expecting his muscles to get bigger. This isn't easy. It's very hard. I don't have kids, but I heard a very vivid analogy to this point. A parent told me a story of when his 2 year old daughter was running a fever. He described to me the pain he felt when they had to run a cold shower over her, and she reached her little arms up to him, crying, asking to be taken out of the shower because it was so cold. It makes me tear up just thinking about the scene. But he knew that in order for her to get better, she had to stay in the shower, no matter how hard it was for him to refuse her outstretched arms. Your man has been rescued out of the cold shower all his life.
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